26F, 29M. In need of help desperately. You’re all going to think I’m crazy, and I really am starting to think that I am. Backstory-We’ve been together almost 10 years. He grew up in a religious family and has wanted to get married and have my babies for years. I have been unsure about our relationship for many years and have tried to communicate that, at times even tried breaking up which he always found a way to make me stay. Now I’m not the best communicator from the start, and when communicating with him he always found a way to argue, to gaslight me, to to make me feel crazy for the way I feel. If I’m being honest, with the fact that he wants a family so bad, he should have left ME years ago. I’ve built up a lot of resentment and a loss of a lot of feelings through the years. Where I stand now would be best described as numb, and going through the motions. Outside of a willingness to get married and have kids, I do everything for him. I have spent the 4 years living together feeling like his mommy. Dinner is ready when he gets home, I do his laundry, dishes, pickup after him, the whole 9. I’ve always felt under appreciated because while I enjoy doing those things as a woman, and don’t expect him to do it all, he could at least be respectful and not make my job harder by being a slob. The sex, gone. He wants it all the time and I always make sure he is satisfied but that even feels like a chore. Because of the built up negative feelings, I can’t remember the last time I was turned on. He brought up marriage today. The last time we sat down and had a true conversation I told him many things need to change if I would even consider it. No other conversations have been had since. I feel like all of my feelings are just ignored and that he’s going to strong arm me into getting married. Now I do love him. We are bonded, of course. And things HAVE been better recently. But I don’t know if I can ever get the feelings back that I used to have but for both of us we can’t stay in this limbo. And he’s unwilling to admit that anything is wrong in our relationship but would never consider breaking up and I can’t stomach the thought of not being together. He’s always told me that all he needs in a relationship is love- I need more than that. HELP
TLDR; a lot of love but a lot of lost feelings. He wants to get married, and the thought of it is terrifying to me.
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>Outside of a willingness to get married and have kids, I do everything for him. I have spent the 4 years living together feeling like his mommy. Dinner is ready when he gets home, I do his laundry, dishes, pickup after him, the whole 9. I’ve always felt under appreciated because while I enjoy doing those things as a woman, and don’t expect him to do it all, he could at least be respectful and not make my job harder by being a slob.
Why are you sticking around for this type of shit?
This doesn’t sound like a kind of fleeting feeling of doubt that you’re having, that’s normal from time to time.
It just sounds like you’ve been with the wrong person for a really long time and haven’t been feeling yourself in this relationship for years, but probably staying just out familiarity? Maybe fear of the unknown? Fear of being alone?
if marriage feels terrifying instead of exciting, that’s a clear sign u need to step back and reassess if this relationship truly fulfills u
Breakup as soon as possible. You’re in a fantasy of your own design. You do wife actions for a man who isn’t your husband. You aren’t in love you are ADDICTED to him. He isn’t accountable. You both keep circling and circling over the issues but there is never accountability. With all due respect, you need to wake up from playing wife. Grow the fuck up and dump his ass and make yourself the priority.
Girl.
If you don’t leave now you’re going to end up trapped in an awful, unfulfilling marriage for a long time. There’s a reason why you have been unsure about this relationship for so long and not agreed to marry/have kids with this man. Trust your instincts, it’s been screaming at you for a long time.
He wants to break you (and he’s been chiselling away for all these years), that’s why he can’t leave you alone:
‘Abel wanted a traditional marriage with a traditional wife. For a long time I wondered why he ever married a woman like my mom in the first place, as she was the opposite of that in every way. If he wanted a woman to bow to him, there were plenty of girls back in Tzaneen being raised solely for that purpose. The way my mother always explained it, the traditional man wants a woman to be subservient, but he never falls in love with subservient women. He’s attracted to independent women. “He’s like an exotic bird collector,” she said. “He only wants a woman who is free because his dream is to put her in a cage.’
Trevor Noah, Born a Crime: Stories From a South African Childhood
Run. Run. Run. And the go to therapy to figure out how you got here in the first place because you’ll probably fall into a similar trap again otherwise.
Sincerely,
A woman who’s mother got trapped like this (and then after years of emotional abuse died of cancer. I wish she’d never met my father)
I only read the header (sorry girl) but as someone who was doubting my engagement it is best to set them free if there is any doubt at this stage. 💋
Of course he won’t admit anything is wrong because for him, nothing is. Everything is great for him. The fact he doesn’t give a shit about whether your needs are met, should be enough for YOU to leave. You aren’t happy, he isn’t willing to acknowledge that, so why are you bothering and don’t say “love” because you have fallen out of love. Resentment has set in and it’s killed the relationship for you. He doesn’t have to agree that it should end for it to end.
Here is the issue. You waited 10 years for what? Why wait so long? You knew the answer before you posted this. 10 years of your life down the drain cause either of yall were to afraid to grow up and commit. And honestly a good thing yall did less money being lost in a breakup
“I have been unsure about our relationship for many years”
So leave; that’s not a normal statement to make
I mean you’re only 26 why do this for another 10 years you can leave him and move on with your life pretty easily you don’t even have kids. A husband is the only family you get to choose so choose wisely cuz this sounds like a nightmare. Basically; just leave him and do it quickly before you can get sucked back in
please break up with this man. you only have one life, do you want to spend the rest of it in regret?
You are wasting your life. I’m sorry to say it bluntly, but if some part of you needs permission or some sort of signal to move on, this is it, put as plainly as possible.
You’ve wasted 10 years.
How many more do you want to waste?