[19M] About a week ago I got some itchy rashes on my genitals so I decided to go see a deramat. I never visited a doctor alone but it was out of question that of course I’ll be going alone this time, and I’ll be hiding it from my parents for obvious reasons (it would be really embarrassing for me) so I went to the doctor alone, got checked and came back home without any issue. But today she saw the medicines (I kept them in my closet but she was cleaning the room so she saw it) and read the receipt which was enough for her to know i went to a doctor without telling anyone, and eventually I had to tell her that I had rashes and I was embarrassed to tell her. And since then she’s really angry and upset too that, “why you didn’t tell me?”, “how could you go alone ?”, “This is really ill behaviour”, “I’m disappointed” and all.
In my defence I’m literally 19 so I thought it’s not a big deal. Now i know I’m still a kid for her (and I know 19 doesn’t mean I’m mature or anything, I’m ‘legally’ adult only, nothing more than that) but telling her about such a thing…I just thought it’d be really embarrassing and i didn’t wanted to.
Was it my mistake if I’m embarrassed, or i should have told her anyway ?
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[19M] About a week ago I got some itchy rashes on my genitals so I decided to go see a deramat. I never visited a doctor alone but it was out of question that of course I’ll be going alone this time, and I’ll be hiding it from my parents for obvious reasons (it would be really embarrassing for me) so I went to the doctor alone, got checked and came back home without any issue. But today she saw the medicines (I kept them in my closet but she was cleaning the room so she saw it) and read the receipt which was enough for her to know i went to a doctor without telling anyone, and eventually I had to tell her that I had rashes and I was embarrassed to tell her. And since then she’s really angry and upset too that, “why you didn’t tell me?”, “how could you go alone ?”, “This is really ill behaviour”, “I’m disappointed” and all.
In my defence I’m literally 19 so I thought it’s not a big deal. Now i know I’m still a kid for her (and I know 19 doesn’t mean I’m mature or anything, I’m ‘legally’ adult only, nothing more than that) but telling her about such a thing…I just thought it’d be really embarrassing and i didn’t wanted to.
Was it my mistake if I’m embarrassed, or i should have told her anyway ?
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> I didn’t tell my mom about the doctor visit regarding skin rashes on my genitals. I might be asshole because I should have told her about that, and maybe what I did was genuinely upsetting for her.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NAH. She’s processing your maturity. Time to stop having your mom clean your room, thats a task you can easily do.
>Was it my mistake if I’m embarrassed, or i should have told her anyway ?
Your mistake was giving in rather than telling her that she has to get used to the idea that an adult child is entitled to their privacy and autonomy.
You’re NTA, but you should have stuck to your guns.
ESH- why is an adult son letting their mom clean their room? Why does you mom care that you went to the doctors alone without her knowledge? Ya’ll are codependent on one another.
NTA.
Even if you told her. She would have a similar reaction Aka nagging (granted out of concern). So I think it would have been a loss in either scenario. Eventually you’re going to leave the nest and have to do things on your own…..
NTA. You are a legal adult, and have a right to privacy, and she needs to understand that it is no longer appropriate for her to stand between you and your needed medical care.
NTA, you are an adult and should be going to your appointments without a parent present, especially for something personal/private like this. Part of her response might be realizing her baby is growing up and doesn’t need her for everything now. But you dont owe anybody an explanation of your medical situations, and it’s fine that you didnt tell her. She just doesn’t see it that way.
That being said…you are an adult and should set boundaries with her around your room, too. You deserve privacy and she should not be cleaning your room or snooping.Â
Where are you from? This kind of dependency is normal in some culture but very unusual from an American perspective.
I moved out at 16 so I cant imagine my mother having this kind of control over me but alot of people deal with this well into their 30s..
NTA but your mom seems controlling.
not even going to read this. YOU ARE NOT AN ASSHOLE FOR KEEPING YOUR GENITALS PRIVATE!!!!
As an adult it’s your right to see a doctor without consulting her- or anyone. NTA
Nta, you’re 19 the fuck does she expect? Parents like that blow my mind like “how dare my child show any form of independence from me” as if you’re not a whole adult
Nah you are not ! You may be ‘only’ 19 and her kid but she has to respect your boundaries and not overstep when you obviously isn’t comfortable telling her.
NTA- you’re old enough that it isn’t her business- unless you want it to be.
Your mother didn’t accidentally find your medicine, she was snooping. What a violation of your privacy this is! NTA.
NTA; You acted discretely and decently, taking care of a private health issue. Your genitals as a young man are not a matter that your your mother should be kept apprise regrading.
In other words, ‘Mom, why are you so interested in my junk?’
Sounds like you need to sit down with your mom and let her know you would respect a little more privacy considering your age now. It sounds as though she was cleaning your room when she saw this, so maybe instead tell her you’d like to take responsibility over cleaning your room and own stuff. It would at least lower the chances (hopefully) of her rummaging through your things.
NTA. At 15, I took myself to Planned Parenthood and asked to be put on birth control pills. I was on them with no issues for around 8 months before my mom found out and basically reacted the same way that your mom did. All I could say that was that I was making the best and safest decision for myself, based on all of the information I had been given. She got over it eventually and never asked about it again. I think that was fair. There are health issues that are more sensitive in nature, and you have every right to take yourself to a doctor to address those issues on your own. Especially as a young adult.
You’re an adult, dealing with a fairly adult issue. It’s not your mother’s business.
NTA.
I’m in healthcare homie and it’s absolutely your right at 18 to disallow anyone to see any of your medical information. Are you in the US? There’s a law called HIPAA and it’s a big ole law that if us as healthcare workers share any patient information without explicit permission to the specified people the patient allows (so basically anyone that you don’t put on the permission list or people directly involved in your care) the hospital/clinic can get heavily fined and whoever shared it can lose their license. Your privacy is a very serious thing and it’s your right to not share it.
NTA your mom is too nosy!
NTA. Is your mom hispanic by any chance? Because if yes, GOOOODDDDD F’ING LUCK keeping her out of your business until you move out.
I am a mother to 3 baby adults (ages 19-23) and I stay out of their medical stuff unless they come to me directly and say something or ask for help/advice. I also stay out of their rooms and bathrooms. They clean them, not me.
NTA – you are 19 and you are fine to keep your medical secrets. In fact I had a mother with a similar attitude and I appreciate the surgeon who read her the riot act when I was 15 and he caught her reading my medical notes. Interestingly, he also set up an appointment with two other consultants when I was in for an operation because parents like that can actually mean patients aren’t honest with the consultants as the parent has to be involved.
NTA. Need to have a heartfelt discussion of boundaries. Your mom may not be open to boundaries, she sounds like the type. Stand your ground.
NTA. That said, your mother should accept that it’s time to cut the umbilical cord.
NTA Her reaction is obviously why you didn’t say anything. I’m open with my dad about my mental health meds but that’s because he respects boundaries and he has years of doing market research for pharmaceutical companies. I don’t share this stuff with my mom but she also taught me that she couldn’t be trusted with my mental health/safety (mentally/verbally abusive) in my teens. My dad recently said that he noticed a positive difference from when I was in college before I went on meds and after I went on meds. My mom didn’t notice anything and proceeded to be pissed that I wouldn’t come to extended family stuff when she gave me 7 days or less notice. I worked most weekends during college.
NTA, she should be happy that when you have a health problem you go see a doctor to take care of it instead of discouraging that behavior.
NTA, you’re an adult taking care of your own body. Weird that your mom “cleans” your room, sounds more like a snoop.
Morally, it would be wrong if you kept it a secret, did nothing and were irresponsible. You went to a doctor for treatment and that’s the right thing to do.
Technically and legally, you don’t have to disclose info about it if you feel you don’t need support and can handle yourself. Especially since you’re 19
NTA, and you’re not too young to go to the doctor alone, regardless of how your mom feels about it. Around the teen years is a reasonable time to expect privacy and medical confidentiality. I was making my own doctors appointments by 16 and living alone by 19. Not to say that’s how everyone should do it, but it’s not like you’re 11. You’re old enough to take care of yourself with things like this now.
You’re legally an adult. Your medical business is legally no longer her business.
That said, it sounds like you stil live at home, so it’s understandable that she still believes in some way that it’s her responsibility or right to know about it…but at the end of the day, she doesn’t. It’s not her business anymore.
NTAH
NTA at all. Setting aside the fact you’re a legal adult and have the right to privacy regarding your medical treatments, it bothers me this wasn’t a discussion at ALL. Have your parents always been that controlling and overbearing? I fully understand you not wanting your parents there when you go to the doctor, but is their behavior toward you why you couldn’t share what happened after the fact?
So, to recap: NTA, and your mom’s reaction is concerning to me. Calling it “ill behavior” and being “disappointed” as if you were WRONG for doing it is unacceptable in my book. I’m sorry she’s that way.
NTA but you should be able to understand why she’s upset, no?
Question- are you on your parents’ insurance? If so, they will find out some details through their claims and if it’s not fully covered, the bill may go through their insurance too.
Medical info as an adult is private, so she’s overreacting. NTA.
NTA and I suspect you’ve grown used to these reactions which is apart of why you withheld the information.
You’re entitled to your privacy, and if you feel like it wasn’t a big deal and had it handled, then I don’t see how you could be TA here.
NTA. You 19M are an adult. Your healthcare is yours and yours alone. You don’t have to share
NTA… you did the reasonable and responsible thing while avoiding embarrassment.
Your mother is just passing for the phase where you start to leave the nest.
Keep getting independent and she will notice you are getting older
NTA
At your age absolutely should be going to appointments on your own and have privacy. Having said that, you are 19 and should be cleaning your own room, especially if you expect privacy.
NTA
As a mom, this is what we are suppose to help prepare you for. You made your own appointed, had a sense of urgency about your own health, owning the problem.
You deserve privacy.
Some parents struggle at this age. My dad did. The shift from being their child who always listened to the parents advice and demands, to being an adult and needing more of a confidant role, and just listening, and trusting you to make decisions. Going from protecting a child from hurt and failures to allowing them to learn and fail if needed. I would circle back to her and have an open conversation, maybe bring her favorite treat and talk about the future of your parent-son relationships. That having privacy isn’t to slight her and set expectations (like her not cleaning or going through your room, or not asking advice for every decision). God speed.
NTA. Assuming it’s nothing serious then it’s not really any of your mom’s business. Hell if my kid was 19 and taking the initiative to go to the doctor on his own I’d be glad. I want my kids to be self sufficient. As a parent, that’s one of my fears that some day I’ll be gone and I won’t have prepared my kid well enough to be independent.
If you’re adult enough to make your own medical decisions, maybe you’re adult enough to move out? Certainly to clean your own bedroom?! Ffs
YTA. Stay at home to be mothered, you’re going to be… mothered.
NTA. No explanation needed.
I’m proud of how you handled it. Your mom is the one in the wrong here.
From the medical field standpoint point: you are a legal adult handling thing as they are needed. I don’t tell my folks everything. I’m also 27
NTA why is mom cleaning your room for you?
NTA. I wouldn’t say your mom is the AH in this situation but she’s dedinitely not respecting your privacy. You might want to have a concersation with her explaining that now that you aren’t a little kid anymore, you will need more provacy pertaining to some things in your life and how you are capabke of handling a lot of things by yourself now. As someone with helicopter parents, try not to antagonise her too much because it might make things worse but setting up boundaries is essential here.
also, INFO: are you Indian or a POC? Onky asking because overprotective mothers whi baby and control their grown children is usually more common with POC (only basing this off my personal experience, not a generalisation)
NTA. Look, you’re never not going to be her kid, which means sometimes she’s going to lose sight of the fact you aren’t an actual kid. That being said, you are not an actual kid, and that’s a very personal problem. You don’t have to share it wih her unless you want to, like you need emotional support or advice. She will have to adjust to that idea, she clearly hasn’t yet, but that isn’t your fault.
you should be embarrassed at the way you treat yourself like a child. legally adult is an adult. act like it.
NTA. that’s weird as hell for her to react that way to you…caring for yourself. You are a grown man.
NTA. You have medical autonomy and have for a while, and it sounds like this was a fairly low stakes issue that could be discreetly resolved. Your mom doesn’t need full access to anything you have going on medically. As uncomfortable as it can be, I would sit down with her and explain that if you have something going on that doesn’t affect her and that you don’t need help with, you won’t be telling her because you deserve privacy, not just with medical issues. Given that she went through your closet to find the medication and had such an overblown reaction, I would heavily consider moving out if you can. If she thinks you are hiding things and doesn’t respect that you deserve privacy, she might start looking harder.
Definitely NTA. This is private and you are not required to bring her to ANY appointments at this age.
However, outside of this specific situation, there is still a LOT you don’t know or realize due to lack of experience. Bringing a parent or someone else is not a bad idea for other types of appointments. Not only for support, but to ask questions you may not consider or may not have the presence of mind to think about while you’re taking in a bunch of information from a doctor.
Your mom has no legitimate reason to be upset. It could be her poor way of facing that her child is becoming an adult and not dependent on her for everything…but it could also be narcissism and control. If it’s the latter, be careful, start educating yourself on this type of parental situation, and start drawing firm boundaries.
NTA. Good job adulting, keep it up!
NTA you’re a grown adult it’s not her business. Period.
NTA
NTA.
I’m assuming you’re in the US and on your parents insurance still so maybe she feels like she has the right to know but legally she doesn’t.
NTA- time to start cleaning your own room so she has no excuse to snoop.
NTA, Mom’s having trouble seeing you as an adult. Stay the course and be responsible about your health.
You’re an adult
Nope
NTA, you’re not “legally an adult” you’re an adult – full stop. She sounds like she’s infantilizing you a lot to have a freak out about a normal adult responsibility when you’re 19.
Legally, you can keep her out of doctor appointments as a teen. But you being legally an adult, omg how dare you take care of yourself? 🙄
I was taking myself at 16 so I didn’t have to schedule them around mom’s work schedule and my work and school schedule. And as much as I have to go, I know I forgot.
Right now, without your permission, legally your doctors aren’t even allowed to talk to her. I’m sure bring a little freaked out you didn’t read all of the papers you were signing. But you signed a HIPPA form if you are in the US. And if you didn’t put her name as one to share info with, they can’t tell her squat.
She should be happy you can handle one of the worst things about adulting on your own, navigating the medical system and advocating for your own health.
I get with the economy, more people are staying home longer. And yes, their house, their rules. But legally, they have no right to your medical stuff. Think that outweighs rules.
NTA
At 19 you’re an adult, and you have no obligation to let her know what you’re doing. When I was 19 I would have done the same thing you did. It’s nice she shows concern, but its your body at the end of the day
I am a doctor, and to be sincere I am tired to see adult males coming to normal consult with their mothers/wives/gf because they are unable to remember what they have ate last day, or what medicine they have been taking for years and years…like, how are they capable to do everyday life if they can’t remember what they have done the day prior.
That’s why I applaud you for taking the reins here and actually behaving as an adult by making the consult, going, getting the medicine and following doc’s notes. You are on a wonderful path to becoming an independent adult that actually addresses the issues they have.
As for your mother, just let her rant. It might be difficult for her to see her little baby growing up, but that’s part of life. She will get it some day…on the mean time, be firm, tell her you felt uncomfortable about going with her because to you, going to the doc was a personal issue.
NTA, but why is your mother still cleaning your room? She might be more receptive to adult boundaries if you took on the responsibilities of an adult as well.
NTA
Dance one again with the ill behavior
IYKYK
NTA. You’re an adult and you’re allowed to have privacy. I’m sorry your mom is so unwilling to allow you that.
There’s one part where you were totally wrong. It was when you said “eventually I had to tell her.”
As an adult, you get to choose what information you share.
NTA.
Thank you for responding, and the ones who are asking why my mom was cleaning my room, I’m going to medschool so to get my stuff sorted and packed. Now i know I’m at fault here and I should have done that on my own, no excuses, my bad.
NTA. This doesn’t concern her – at all.
When will parents understand you are not entitled to knowing every single detail about your child? Especially a son or daughter who’s 19!!!
This is why with my 10 year old I have started having her “check herself” in at Dr appts, and ask questions for her self. I also away now offer to step out or give her one on one time with her doctor. She has told me she is not quite ready to be alone with the doctor – and that’s ok! But her ability to learn to be independent and have the ability to speak for herself about her medical care or body is CRITICAL. It has to start somewhere.
For all parents or people who want to be parents – the kids aren’t “yours”. You, YOU are theirs. Kids are not yours to control or project or own. You are theirs to guide, encourage and help them set up so they can be independent and full functioning adults.
NTA
You’re 19, effectively an adult. Your mom has no right to be that upset that you didn’t include her in your healthcare decisions.
She’ll need to get used to that. You’ve got another 60-odd years of life ahead of you, and she’s probably going to be alive for at least half of that. You really want her this much in your business for the next 3 or 4 decades?
Edit: Also, you’re 19. You should be cleaning your own room, doing your own laundry, etc, unless you’re planning to keep living with your parents forever.
NTA. You had your reasons for going alone and a right to so that since you are an adult. The fact that your mother still doesn’t understand is troubling. I think you are probably going to have this issue with your mom from now on because you will always be her baby. Once you move out it will be easier, but I don’t think she will ever change. I also suspect she is going to have strong opinions about anything you do or don’t do.
>”how could you go alone ?”
Because I’m an adult now and I think it’s time I took responsibility for my own health.Â
Did she expect to drive you to work/ college like when you were at school?
NTA
You are legally and morally entitled to medical privacy. End of story.
It’s your genitals not hers, birthing someone is not an entitlement to their privacy. I’m a father and that’s my belief.
NTA. A mother like that is exactly why I haven’t talked to mine in 3+ months. Im 20, and cut her off because she cant treat me like an adult or a human(or take responsibility for her actions, accountability is important). Just from this post alone, your mother sounds like a helicopter parent. Controlling, invasive, judgemental. Please don’t stay under her…”wing” forever, OP, it won’t be healthy. You’re an adult. You are 19, you are not a child, you can make your own decisions. She no longer has right to your mail, appointments, nothing but the rights YOU give her. I wish you the absolute most strength. Edit to add: At 19(even before 19!!!) you should have full privacy of your room, medical conditions or appointments, and pretty much anything else. She’s snooping. She’s purposely trying to find things to crack you about so she can feel in control and keep you around longer, hoping you’ll conform to whatever she wishes and pity her as she grows older.
NTA, mom is being nosy.
NTA As a mother myself I would be disappointed that I made you embarrassed to share your health concerns with me, but your mom’s reaction is not normal or ok. You have every right to seek medical attention on your own as an adult. Also why is she cleaning your room when you are 19? She should have no reason to be doing that.
NTA. Mother or not, you’re legally able to go to the doctor’s office without her knowing so she doesn’t need to know.
Do not recommend, but if it was MY mother, I would be TA afterwards by returning home every day or two and loudly announcing to her a random junk-fact that seems personal to make her uncomfortable enough to stop asking questions.
You are 19, you can, and should, do anything you want without parent supervison or involvement. And in this case double so.
Your mom need to realize you are a grown man and stop hovering.
NTA. Just remember you will always be her little kid. She’s could also be reacting to a new milestone, that’s she’s not needed. It’s bitter sweet as a parent
NTA
“why you didn’t tell me?”
Cause it’s really none of your business.
“how could you go alone ?”
I’m an adult. I don’t need my mother to come with me to the doctor.
“This is really ill behaviour”
Huh? Handling a personal problem on my own?
“I’m disappointed”
Because I took my personal health matters into my own hands?
Tell her to fuck off.
the fact that you’re questioning whether you’re an asshole for upsetting your mom proves you’re not an asshole. you’re 19, of course you’d be embarrassed about coming to your mother about a rash down there, but you owned up and went to the doctor and got it checked. i’m 37 and i know i would have waited for it to magically disappear if i were in your shoes. luckily it was nothing
however, you really should trust your mother. i get that it’s embarrassing, but she’ll surely comfort and support you like no one else will.
NTA, you’re an adult, you have absolutely zero responsibility to share medical information with anyone besides your healthcare providers unless you’re contagious and they need to be aware of that.
Your an adult
NTA, you are an adult who chose to go to the doctor and not tell anyone. Your mom is not yet treating you as an adult.
All parents struggle to know when to let go and when to help when kids are late teens. You help her by telling her that you are taking care of your healthcare, but will ask her if you need help.
If she ignores that, she’s TA.
Are you on your parents insurance? They’re going to find out anyways…
NTA “I know 19 doesn’t mean I’m mature or anything, I’m ‘legally’ adult only, nothing more than that” See, that’s where you’re wrong. You ARE and adult, and you PROVED that by your behavior. You noticed an issue that needed to be dealt with, and you took care of it, in an absolutely appropriate way. GO, YOU!
NTA and she doesn’t need to be cleaning your closet at 19yo. You deserve some privacy at that age. But you may need to move out on your own to get it.
NTA, you’re an adult. You don’t have to tell anyone anything.
NTA.
You’re an adult.
Objectively the only detail that matters here.
Calling it “ill behaviour” is very bizarre. If that’s literally what she said, that’s just plain gaslighting. There is nothing, and I mean NOTHING, “ill” or bad or wrong about keeping your medical information private. People say things like this in order to manipulate you. Just because someone tells you that you should be embarrassed or ashamed of something, that doesn’t mean you actually should.
And I’ll bet that if you asked her why it’s “Bad behavior”, she would circle right back to “Because you’re hiding things from me! You’re not telling me things!”. Circular logic. You’re bad for not telling her. Why? Because not telling her is bad. There’s no deeper reason.
It’s understandable that you’d be embarrassed, but the reason she thinks you’re still a child that needs his mommy at the doctor is because she’s cleaning your room in her house. NAH, but you need to act like an adult to be treated like one. I’m not sure where you’re from, and I know different cultures have varying customs, but usually you need to get out from under your parent’s roof before they start viewing you as an adult. At the very least you need to clean your own space, and set some boundaries.
NTA: I had a baby at 19, and I went to many doctors’ appointments by myself starting at 17. Your mom needs to chill, you aren’t a child.
NTA. And why does your mom clean your room?