I’m 23 and I share an apartment with my roommate Layla, We’ve lived together for about 8 months, and overall things were fine… until she started treating my groceries like they were communal, like it was hers to give.
At first it was small things like a slice of bread, a bit of milk, so ignored that, nothing worth fighting over. But then she began “hosting” her friends at our place without even asking me, and I’d usually come home to find entire bags of snacks, my coffee, and sometimes full meals gone. So I finally asked her about it, and what she said was “You don’t mind sharing, right? It’s not like you’ll finish all this by yourself.”
I do meal prep for the week, so every missing container throws me off. Last week I came back from work and literally half the dinner I cooked for the week was gone because she let her friends “help themselves.” AGAIN, When I told her I couldn’t afford to feed three extra people, she rolled her eyes and said I was being stingy with food.
So I decided to buy a small lock for my pantry and started keeping most of my food inside. She was furious when she noticed and said I was making her look bad in front of her friends because “normal roommates don’t lock up food.” At this point I knew she started was already feeling entitled to my stuff, which doesn’t sit well with me
Now some mutual friends are saying I escalated things by putting a lock on it instead of just setting stricter rules. I feel like I tried that already and it didn’t work, but now I’m second-guessing if I was too extreme.
AITA for locking my own pantry so my food stops disappearing?
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I’m 23 and I share an apartment with my roommate Layla, We’ve lived together for about 8 months, and overall things were fine… until she started treating my groceries like they were communal, like it was hers to give.
At first it was small things like a slice of bread, a bit of milk, so ignored that, nothing worth fighting over. But then she began “hosting” her friends at our place without even asking me, and I’d usually come home to find entire bags of snacks, my coffee, and sometimes full meals gone. So I finally asked her about it, and what she said was “You don’t mind sharing, right? It’s not like you’ll finish all this by yourself.”
I do meal prep for the week, so every missing container throws me off. Last week I came back from work and literally half the dinner I cooked for the week was gone because she let her friends “help themselves.” AGAIN, When I told her I couldn’t afford to feed three extra people, she rolled her eyes and said I was being stingy with food.
So I decided to buy a small lock for my pantry and started keeping most of my food inside. She was furious when she noticed and said I was making her look bad in front of her friends because “normal roommates don’t lock up food.” At this point I knew she started was already feeling entitled to my stuff, which doesn’t sit well with me
Now some mutual friends are saying I escalated things by putting a lock on it instead of just setting stricter rules. I feel like I tried that already and it didn’t work, but now I’m second-guessing if I was too extreme.
AITA for locking my own pantry so my food stops disappearing?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because instead of trying again to talk things through with my roommate, I escalated by putting a lock on the pantry, which could be seen as extreme or passive-aggressive. She felt embarrassed and disrespected, so maybe I handled it the wrong way
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Nta, telling her to stop wasn’t working so settings stricter rules wasn’t going to do anything either
NTA. “Normal roommates” don’t steal.
You set strict rules. You told her twice not to take your food. She’s got noone to blame but herself- I’d have also send her a bill for the stuff she’d stolen. NTA
>She was furious when she noticed and said I was making her look bad in front of her friends because “normal roommates don’t lock up food.”
Normal roommates don’t have thieves for roommates. If she is worried about not looking generous in front of HER friends she can feed them HERSELF. You did the right thing.
NTA
nta lock them up, shut her down. be well
NTA
If also suggest getting a mini fridge with a lock and keeping it in your room and I’d start looking for another apartment and let her know that you don’t live with thieves so you’re looking for a new place and suggest she look for another roommate or a place of her own because you won’t be renewing a lease with her ( unless you’re the only one on the lease in which case I’d tell her that when the lease is up in three months she has to go)
NTA
Normal roommates don’t steal.
NTA You asked your roommate to stop helping herself to your food. When she didn’t comply with your request, you reinforced the fact she’s not welcome to your food by locking it up.
“She was furious when she noticed and said I was making her look bad in front of her friends because “normal roommates don’t lock up food.”
How are you making her look bad? Normal roommates don’t entertain their guests with other people’s food. Either she’s embarrassed because her friends found out how cheap she is actually or she’s upset she needs to spend money on food instead of being a gracious host on someone else’s dime. Either way, not your problem.
Stricter rules? Your roommate doesn’t follow rules. Keep the lock.
NTA, if she wants extra food for her friends then she can pay for it.
NTA
When someone steals from you, you lock that shit up.
You don’t sit there and go
~oh my goodness I told you not to steal my stuff, and you did it again and I really wish you’d stop doing that cuz like, that hurts my feelings & my wallet~
Tell your roommate that she wouldn’t look bad in front of her friends if she bought her own groceries, & tell your friends they’re more than welcome to contribute to your roommate’s grocery bill.
NTA
Normal roommate’s don’t steal food and use it to host a dinner party
Okay here is what you do. Eat. Her. Stuff.
Does she have food? That’s your food. She got beer? That’s your beer. She got a nice toothbrush? Brush your teeth with it using her toothpaste. She got makeup? Use whatever you like. Take her toilet paper. Use her towels. Kiss her dad. Kiss her mom.
Normal roommates don’t Bogart their toothbrush.
If someone wants to mouth off about it, invite yourself over and just help yourself to their things right in front of them. Go over to hang out and just start making yourself a sandwich.
You did nothing wrong. She crossed boundaries even after being told no.
Normally roommates don’t HAVE to lock up their food because NORMALLY their roommates don’t steal it in the first place.
NTA – her generosity was at your expense literally. She can now purchase whatever she wants prior to hosting her friends.
She can pay for food for her friends. You asked her to stop and she won’t. NTA.
Naaah. Escalating would be you guarding your food with a chained Rottweiler and a shotgun! Lock be nothing!
Normal roommates don’t steal food. NTA.
NTA but it’s time to stop being nice and start being direct. “Yes I put a lock on the pantry to protect my food. I asked you multiple times to stop taking my food, you kept ignoring me. I pay and prepare my food for the week. You giving your friends the meals I have prepped sets me back. I’m not being stingy. You are being entitled. Please respect this very reasonable boundary and you won’t have to feel “embarrassed” in front of your friends. If this behavior continues, I will not be renewing the lease with you.”
NTA, she knew she was crossing boundaries and eventually should’ve known you were bound to do SOMETHING to make her knock it off. You can also buy fridge lock boxes BTW! If she feels the need to continue to bring it up you could potentially (if it’s something you’re interested in, obviously, don’t have to!) ask her if you two could compromise and everything WOULD be communal if she’s willing to put in half on your groceries or willing to from here on out come up with grocery lists together and then you two split the budget, something along those lines?
Answer back, “Normal roommates don’t help themselves to other people’s belongings, including food.”
NTA you need to drop those mutual friends. Unless you come from a shitty family of thieves I think most children are taught from kindergarten at least not to take things that don’t belong to you which means things you didn’t pay for or that weren’t given directly to you. I really fail to understand where all of this extreme entitlement has come from nowadays. The people who are telling you that you escalated things are not your friends. Your roommate escalated things when you told her to stop and she then stole a weeks worth of food from your mouth.
Post a sign on the fridge and cupboards saying if you didn’t pay for it DO NOT touch it. When she or her friends take it down, put a new one up. If she pays any of the bills, as in say the electric bill is in her name and you give her half every month, total the amount of food that she has stolen from you and deduct it from the bill.
>instead of just setting stricter rules.
It’s hilarious to me that these people think she will adhere to the “rules”. NTA. At all.
Put a mini fridge in your room and lock the door, lock the pantry and don’t let her have access to ANYTHING. While you’re at it, start keeping the things you buy more frequently in your room, again – with the door locked. Are you buying more TP than her? Cool, no more sharing. Keep this up until she either starts splitting things evenly AND reimburses you for the food she stole, or the lease is up, and you move out. I would not want to live with someone like this.
NTA
She already doesnt follow the rules.
I would also get a lock for my bedroom door and get a small fridge for meals you have prepped early.
And not just because if food. If she helps herself she helps herself.
And, what a laugh. You are stingy with food? No, she is, because she is expecting you to pay and ship for it, instead of doing it herself.
Start looking for a new room mate.
Life is too short to put up with someone who is entitled and then tries to set people against you when their bad behaviour has consequences.
Lock it up. Also there is lockable mini fridges for you meal prep and cold items.
NTA, as for your friends, nah…you told her you couldn’t afford to feed 3 others, she made it clear she was going to keep stealing your food. F her and F her friends, yours too, tell them they can donate food to her and her friends if they are so put out…
NTA
What were the stricter rules your friends were suggesting? Your roommate clearly didn’t take you seriously and is upset that you took away her access to give away your food. She doesn’t respect your POV here so no rule setting will work because she thinks she’s entitled to your food. Why isn’t she sharing her own food with her friends?
NTA Tell her that normal roommates don’t steal all of the other person’s food and feed it to their friends. Please keep in mind that your roommate wants to look generous as long as she is spending your money and not her own. She’s really just as cheap AF and not above theft. So watch your valuables and lock those up as well, because she sounds like she will take those now that the easy stuff is locked up.
Oh, you have such silly friends! Ask them to explain how stricter rules would make any difference when Layla doesn’t even respect any rules at all? She doesn’t respect the basic and common rules of “don’t take stuff that isn’t yours” or “ask for permission to use someone else’s stuff” or “RESPECT the property owner TELLING you not to take there stuff”.
And why do they think it’s so important to worry about how Layla’s emotions when she can’t muster up a smidge of basic remorse for her choosing to steal your food and cause you to be without food so that she can look like a great, generous hostess to her friends.
Both Layla and your friends have hit a nerve with me. I know you won’t do this, but I am envisioning you wiping out whatever supplies (groceries, toiletries, etc.) and saying to her, “You don’t mind sharing, right? It’s not like you’ll finish this all by yourself.” But, of course, that doesn’t actually make the situation any better, so that was not a serious thought.
I do think it’s possible to tell Layla, “If you are embarrassed by your roommate having to lock her food away so that you don’t steal it for your own benefit, then you probably should have stopped stealing it when I told you that I DO actually intend to eat all my food and cannot/will not subsidize your desire to look like a great hostess on my dime.“
She is making herself look bad to her friends. She set a precedent with them by just opening up your supplies to them. Eff that and eff her.
NTA
NTA
Ask your friend that find you extrême if they are stealing their roommate food too?
NTA.
She was stealing from you, so you locked up your valuables.
If she complains that you are making her look bad, say “Um, I don’t care about that. At all. You were stealing my food.”
Also, move out. She’s not a good roommate.
NTA you already talked to her and it didn’t go well. She looks bad bc what she’s doing is bad.
NTA, but own what you did.
Your roommate was taking advantage of you and counting on the fact that you are kind and most likely don’t really like confrontation, like most people.
Own your actions. Yes you escalated the situation. You protected your investment of time and money because when you spoke to her about it, not only did she not hear you, but she tried to make you feel bad for having those feelings.
I have lived with my partner for over a decade now, and I meal prep my lunches. If they were to just take one of them there would be a big fight over here, and we share most of our food. I guess my point is that it is not just about the money. Yes, that too, but it’s the time to shop, choose what you want to have available and know that later, when you need those things, they are there. No, a slice of bread, (unless the last one), or some butter or milk shouldn’t be a big deal, and it wasn’t. Instead, you somehow started feeding multiple people that you did not agree to, and are left to scramble as you find out what they left you with! You are not being stingy, they are being greedy. There is a significant difference.
Don’t back down now. You could remove the lock if you feel you’ve been heard and try again, but that should be based on if you want to, not them. I would say something like…
“Listen, I know what I did was a bit extreme, but when I tried to talk to you about it, you not only shut me down but you actually tried to make me feel bad for not wanting your friends to eat the meals I have prepped for myself so that I don’t have to think about what I am going to eat later, and I can budget my expenses. I choose snacks I can afford, and buy them so they are here and I’m not running out to satisfy a craving and spending more than I needed to. Multiple times I went to get food I thought I had and you and your friends decided it was fair game. No asking, no replacing anything and certainly no respect for my time and money. Then you tried to make me feel bad for asking for that you stop. I’m not going to argue with you about my time and my money, so I protected my stuff. I will admit, it was a big move, but I felt I was left with either doing that or just letting it happen. “
If you want to continue living together you finish with…
“I am open to taking it off, but I need to make sure it is clear that my stuff is not community property. You can feed them, and they can feed themselves, but I am not an option”
If you don’t care if you do…
“You don’t have to like it. You did not hear me, and I either had to let it continue or take a different route. I went different route and now it is super clear that I don’t share food”
To your friends that think you are too harsh…
“Feel free to cook some meals and grab snacks, spend your time and money, and drop them off for her. My guess is that you would of course not be doing that, so why would I be expected to? This is not once or twice, this was a free for all and when I tried talking to her she shut me down and did not want to hear it. I can’t afford for it not to be heard. “
Bullies do not like being called out. That’s what you’ve done. She acted like they could do whatever they wanted, allowed their friends to be “impressed” and now will look stupid when she has to explain the lock. You will be the bad guy, totally unreasonable instead of her owning it and just saying that she was overstepping and now has her own snacks for everyone. Don’t be bullied. You asked for nothing that was unreasonable and you tried talking about it first. You did nothing wrong.
NTA
“Normal roommates don’t steal food” NTA
NTA. Normal roommates don’t steal from the other person. If groceries aren’t shared then she needs to keep her hands off your stuff. Since she showed clearly that she doesn’t respect you or your things locking your food up is reasonable. You should also give her an itemized bill for everything she stole and insist that she replace with identical items or pay you back for them.
NTA, remind her that “normal” roommates don’t steal from the people they live with.
NTA and she’s right. Normally, roommates don’t have to lock up their food. But since she feels entitled to steal yours, you had to protect it with a lock.
You can tell her you understand it’s embarrassing, but you’re not running a food bank to accommodate her being cheap & lazy. You aren’t responsible for feeding her and her guests.
NTA
A little here and there while asking is sharing. Feeding multiple people without offering money to replace the food while also not bothering to ASK is taking advantage. If she wants to keep feeding her friends, she can start buying the food.
NTA. Your roommate is a thief and what they were doing was stealing. You took the only course of action you could by locking up your property. Stealing your food is exactly the same as them opening your wallet and stealing money.
NTA. What your roommate did and kept doing was disrespecting your boundaries. She literally FAFO.
Good on you for sticking to your boundaries and locking your food up.
I wouldn’t want to live with those people who call themselves your friends either. They think you shouldn’t have put a lock on but should’ve made stricter rules?
I tell you they would help themselves to your food as well if they lived with you.
NTA
NTA- Great, tell the mutual friends to buy her food then.
Yes!!!! Send her a bill!
NTA, normal roommates don’t take things that don’t belong to them and give them away
NTA. Tell the mutual “friends” that she ignored the rules.
Layla is all about “looking good” and will break rules to do it. Lock up your other stuff. I wouldn’t put it past her to sell some of your stuff so she can give money to friends, or dress better than she can afford.
And find another roommate soonest.
NTA
Roommates isn’t like you’re married with shared finances or something. It’s a living arrangement. A q-tip or an egg on occasion is one thing. Feeding outside strangers is another.
Normal roommates don’t have to lock up food. Your roommate isn’t normal. Plus, they don’t give you a heads up when people are going to be over? That’s messed up also.
NTA
NTA. You made her look bad in front of her friends? Good. Now they know she was giving out your food without permission, that she was stealing from her roommate.
She is right – normal roommates don’t lock up food, because normal roommates don’t steal food from one another either. You are not being too extreme. You did what you had to do because your roommate told you she would never stop stealing.
“Normal roommates don’t lock up food.”
“I’m sure you’re right. They don’t have to, because normal roommates don’t generally allow people who steal from them to continue living with them.”
NTA.
Sharing without replacing is stealing.
You either make her look bad with the locked pantry or she looks bad with the black eye you’ll eventually give her because you’re tired of her stealing.
NTA