I (22F) have been dating my partner (23M) for 1 year. I don’t mind him looking through my phone — I have nothing to hide. What makes me uneasy is how he does it.
For example, the other night we went to a late movie. Toward the end, he stepped out saying he was going to get popcorn, but earlier he had already mentioned the stand was probably closed. At the time, I thought it was a little odd but didn’t dwell on it.
The next morning, while I was on my phone, I realized he had actually gone through it instead.
It’s not the fact that he checked my phone — I genuinely don’t care about that — but it bothers me that he wasn’t upfront and instead used the “popcorn” excuse, which didn’t add up. On top of that, he often does this while we’re spending time together, which makes it feel sneaky and disruptive.
I do want to bring this up, but he’s been stressed lately and the last thing I want is to start an argument, because that’s not my intention at all.
How can I bring this up in a way that keeps the conversation honest and respectful without escalating into conflict?
TL;DR:
My 23M partner of 1 year secretly went through my phone during a movie and lied about why he stepped out. I’m fine with him checking my phone but uneasy about the sneaky behavior. How can I address this respectfully without starting an argument?
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I would start by asking him what he was looking for.
There’s not really any magic words that make him not upset, you can’t control his reaction, you just have to tell him that it bothers you. If he doesn’t trust you then try to figure out together why that is and what would help with that.
I would also change my passcode. Cause if he has trust issues and anxiety and can’t control himself then it doesn’t help to keep snooping, just fuel on the fire.
It’s not normal or healthy to have a partner go through your phone, even when he asks first.
You’re doing him no favors by allowing it. You think you’re reassuring him, but it’s not gonna work like that. He’ll just find things to obsess over instead of learning to self-regulate, and his demands will only increase. Look how worried you are about “starting conflict”! He’s the one sneaking through your phone and you’re worried about making him upset!
“I don’t like how you took advantage of my trust, so I will be changing my passcode and preserving my privacy from now on.” He’ll probably get upset, because he is not nearly as concerned with “avoiding conflict” as you are.
An untrustworthy person is treating you as untrustworthy and lying to you. What does this tell you?
>the last thing I want is to start an argument
Telling him how you feel / not to do something you don’t like isn’t “starting an argument”. If he wants to make it an argument, not much you can do about that, except choose not to engage with it. You’re worrying way too much about “respectfully”, given that he doesn’t give two shits about respecting you.
Change your passcode, take his fingerprint off it, whatever. Tell him that he’s welcome to use your phone if needed, but he’s proved he can’t be trusted with unfettered access to it. And that’s not you being unreasonable, that’s him doing that, via his own actions.
Crucially…why does he even need to look through your phone? My wife and I will use each other’s phones if needed, to look something up or whatever, we know each other’s passwords, no secrets or issues. But we don’t “look through” each other’s phones, because that’s nuts, implies a complete lack of trust, disrespect of privacy, etc.
You should care that he’s looking through your phone, not just that he’s doing it in secret. It’s disrespectful of your privacy (and everyone, including people in relationships, deserve privacy) and shows a lack of trust in you (which can turn into manipulation to the point of abuse.)
Don’t stand for this.
It doesn’t matter if you have nothing to hide. You have a right to privacy, and him going through your phone is disrespectful and gross.
Change your passcode, and tell him directly that you’re doing it because he keeps going through it. He needs to show some respect and trust.
My wife goes through my phone sometimes and she just.. tells me, and I am ok with it. So tell him to tell you. And tell him that you expect the same from him – that when you ask he will give you his phone just like you give yours. If he doesn’t do so with the same readiness that you do then maybe he has something to hide.
This would be a dealbreaker for me. It’s a violation of my privacy. I have conversations with friends via text about which they have a reasonable expectation that nobody else is seeing what they share with me, and I consider it a betrayal of my friendships to give somebody full access to my phone. I would never allow somebody to have a way to get into my phone.
tell him to stop. and to make sure he doesnt do it any more set a password. dont use biometrics and dont give it to him.
prediction is he will say sorry. when you set the passcode he will get angry. and last but not least. you will need to break up since he will not let it go and accuse you of cheating