So I, (18) F and my boyfriend (18) M have been together for a year. We had broken up over the summer because my parents had gotten on my phone and blocked him on everything because of a crude joke he made to me in a group chat with our friends. He is my best friend of 4 years and we have a relatively really good and healthy relationship. The only problem we seem to face is our parents. My parents don’t like him very much nor his mom. His mom is a little bit more understandable because she has spoken very bad about me, cut me out of my wrestling banquet, left me behind before, and overall spoken very ill of my family. They don’t like him very much because we were in the same friend group as my ex, they feel he is cowardly and disrespectful towards me but I don’t agree I just don’t think they understand our humor. I am now a freshman in college many states away and he is away at bootcamp. My parents have given me permission to speak to him again but they don’t want me in a relationship with him because they are not over the stress his family brought to mine. They don’t want me going to his graduation and threatened that if I go I can not come go home. I’m very serious about my bf and I don’t know what to do because I know how important and significant his graduation day is and how important it is for me to be there. My parents want to have control over me and even though I am states away I have to constantly ask them for permission to date, to go out, etc. what do I do ? Am I old enough to make decisions on my own?
Edit: I uploaded this earlier and it got taken down (my fault).
Edit: Yes they do financially support me
TL;DR: I want to go to my boyfriends bootcamp graduation, my parents don’t want me to go they still expect me to ask them for permission, am I an adult yet? I am a freshman in college multiple states away.
Comments
you are legally an adult. if you want to go go.
What kind of humor are we talking about here? Sometimes some jokes arent meant for the family to hear as it sends a bad message. Or maybe you don’t see the disrespect he has for you like the way people around you do? Also what is your plan with your bf? Will this lead into the future, if so you do know that his mother is gonna be a part of that and if she is like this now imagine for a longer while… its a lot of nuance and very vague story so I can’t really tell you.
Sometimes when we are young we think we deserve to be treated in ways that aren’t acceptable because we don’t understand the longterm effects. Maybe that’s whats going on here?
Some questions…
What was the “crude joke?”
What does “cut me out of my wrestling banquet” mean?
What stress did his family bring to your family? Do they have a prior relationship?
You’re 18 and hundreds of miles away from your parents. If you can’t start living your own life now, when can you? You are more than old enough to make your own decisions – legally you are an adult. If you continue to let them control you, it will never stop. Start making moves to make your own money (get a job if you can) so you’re not relying on them financially. Lie to them if you have to, but you cannot continue to live your life like this or you (and by extension all of your friendships/relationships) will suffer.
You’re an adult and can do whatever you want. However, this may have consequences, such as your parents not paying for college (if applicable) or letting you back in their house or whatever.
You’re an adult. You can be with anyone you want to (and he doesn’t sound particularly problematic, though his mom is someone I’d steer clear of).
You don’t need to keep your parents informed or ask their permission. You’re at college; you need to learn to handle your own life, and the more controlling they are, the more likely you are to make dubious decisions.
So, take a deep breath. If you can get to his graduation, go.
If they’re paying for your college, decide whether you want to hold your nose until you have your degree or sort out scholarships/losns/jobs so you’re not reliant on them.
In your place, I’d change your phone passcode; don’t give your parents access. Change your bank account to one they don’t have access to, ideally at a different bank.
If you can’t do that, at least get a burner phone so you can continue to have a social life.
Did your boyfriend specifically and formally invite you to attend the ceremony? Those events often require the graduate to submit the names of attendees, and IDs are checked prior to being allowed access into the military base. Sometimes each graduate is only allowed X number of guests.
I encourage you not to risk your parents generously paying for your university education just for the sake of attending this boot camp ceremony. A university education is far more important than a brief event like this.
If your boyfriend is serious about continuing a relationship with you, the two of you should do this in a way that is not subject to your parent’s or his mother’s approval, and that is within the guidelines set by his military service.
You are still financially dependent on your parents, and he is committed to the requirements of his military enlistment.
The two of you must work with those limitations.
It’s concerning that at 18, the age of legal adulthood, your parents are still checking your phone and making you ask for permission about who you can speak to or date. On the other hand, if they support you financially, then there’s not much you can do (unless you go behind their backs).