I (42M) am both bald and bearded. If I still had hair on the top of my head, I’m pretty sure it would be going grey. My natural hair/beard colour is a very dark brown/black, and honestly, I just don’t like the grey in my beard because it’s not distributed in a salt-and-pepper way, but more a piebald pony way. So, I dye it. I’m entirely open about this- because I’m an idle bastard I can go from patchy black-and-grey beard to solid black overnight, and I’m the kind of clown who will say to my mates “look! I did my beard!” I should also add that dyed beard or undyed beard, I look my age. I’m clearly a 42 year old man with a beard and male pattern baldness: I do not dye my beard to look younger.
Two days ago, a younger colleague (24ishF) and I were in the break area, and she said “Dude, I need to call you out on this beard thing. Stop dying it, we all know it’s grey. Dying it is predator behaviour.”
Here’s where I might have been the asshole: I pointed out that she is not a natural blonde, and if me dying my beard is predator behaviour, surely her dying her hair is also predator behaviour. She called me a prick and walked off, and since then her particular couple of friends at work have been cold with me. They’ve also been “blowing up my phone” (i.e. two of them messaged me on Teams telling me I was out of order, one deleted the message hoping I hadn’t read it), and said colleague isn’t speaking to me.
So, AITA?
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I (42M) am both bald and bearded. If I still had hair on the top of my head, I’m pretty sure it would be going grey. My natural hair/beard colour is a very dark brown/black, and honestly, I just don’t like the grey in my beard because it’s not distributed in a salt-and-pepper way, but more a piebald pony way. So, I dye it. I’m entirely open about this- because I’m an idle bastard I can go from patchy black-and-grey beard to solid black overnight, and I’m the kind of clown who will say to my mates “look! I did my beard!” I should also add that dyed beard or undyed beard, I look my age. I’m clearly a 42 year old man with a beard and male pattern baldness: I do not dye my beard to look younger.
Two days ago, a younger colleague (24ishF) and I were in the break area, and she said “Dude, I need to call you out on this beard thing. Stop dying it, we all know it’s grey. Dying it is predator behaviour.”
Here’s where I might have been the asshole: I pointed out that she is not a natural blonde, and if me dying my beard is predator behaviour, surely her dying her hair is also predator behaviour. She called me a prick and walked off, and since then her particular couple of friends at work have been cold with me. They’ve also been “blowing up my phone” (i.e. two of them messaged me on Teams telling me I was out of order, one deleted the message hoping I hadn’t read it), and said colleague isn’t speaking to me.
So, AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I might be the asshole because I said that if dying my beard is “predator behaviour”, then my colleague dying her hair is also “predator behavour”.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA – CERTAINLY not for dying your beard – though I think the clapback might have been better left unsaid. Your colleague was VERY out of line to say that to you and honestly you should have considered reporting her to HR because commenting on a coworker’s appearance and suggesting they are a (sexual) predator is disgusting and potentially harmful to you in the workplace. I think others at work who are getting wind of this may feel the comparison, between dying gray to look younger and someone who is a natural brunette lightening their hair, to be unfair. But I think it was a reasonable comparison since a lot of people (especially women perhaps?) dye their hair to look younger and none of them – women OR men – deserve to be called ‘predators’ for doing so. I guess my point on that is, it kinda brought you down to her level when her remark was so inappropriate, it would have been better left hanging, in my opinion.
Nta – She is being insane and you may want to report her to HR for harassment. I know that sounds extreme but what you don’t want is for her or one of her people to go to HR first claiming that you are being predatory.
Also congrats on the beard! I really appreciate it when men take good care of themselves.
NTA. your body, your beard, your dye, your choice. It might be a little unprofessional to say something like that to a co-worker. it didn’t have to be an eye for an eye but I love petty. NTA you stood up for your self. that’s all.
NTA
She called you out on dying your beard (who cares anyway). You called her out on being a bottle blonde. Both use hair dye. She just chose to be the AH and point it out.
NTA. Your coworker was wildly out of line, incredibly insulting, and just flat out wrong and being ridiculous.
Your coworkers who decided to insert themselves and say something were also out of line. I wonder if she didn’t tell them a truly accurate version of events at first, and that’s why the second coworker deleted the message…or if that second coworker just realized how unprofessional it was.
NTA. There’s nothing “predatory” about dying your hair. You’re allowed to color your beard if you want. You’re dying your hair because it gives you the look you wants. She does the same. It was out of line and hypocritical for her to “call you out” about dying your beard. (Given the way she and some other co-workers have been acting, you may want to have a talk with HR. That’s workplace harassment.)
For the record, I’m female. And, I can totally understand why you dye your beard. Patchy white spots don’t look good.
NTA what they’re doing is sexist harassment. Report them to HR if you have it.
>Dying it is predator behaviour.
Excuse me…wtf? No it isn’t.
I think you responded with the same energy she gave you. NTA. Hopefully she’ll think next time before she is so insultingly rude.
Your colleagues are AHs for defending her behavior. If it’s wrong for you to do it, it’s wrong for her to as well…but there they are, jumping to her defense. smh.
NTA. She poked the bull and couldn’t handle the horns.
And wtf do her friends mean your behavior was uncalled for? She called you a predator for dying your beard, how did they expect you to react?
Also, they are using the WORK APP to message you about a personal matter? Dude I would report them, but that’s just me.
NTA, you matched her shitty energy.
NTA. If someone is free to comment on your hair care routine, then you are free to comment on theirs.
She was very rude, and IMO deserved a little bit thrown back at her.
NTA
How is dying your beard predatory? So you don’t like the grey. Big deal, and If she can say something inappropriate then she better be able to take it in return
I dont like how she is making very strong accusations. I’d involve HR before things blow out of proportion. Her unprofessional behaviour could become a bigger problem sooner rather than later.
NTA. Your colleague sounds like she has issues. You’re allowed to look however you want, and it would only be predatory if you were pursuing college girls/lying about your age, and it sounds like you’re doing neither of those.
NTA, and may I say what a weird comment! I am 39 and have early greying, I guess I’m a predator too because I regularly dye it 😂🤷🏼♀️ ignore all those weirdos you work with who have nothing better to do than try and dictate how other people look. You do you!
Not even a little bit. NTA
NTA! How incredibly rude and arrogant for your younger female colleague to even think she should be opining on this topic.
She called you a predator. And now her friends are dogging your phone? That’s pretty predatory itself. Block them.
LOL, NTA. She got back what she gave out and couldn’t handle it. But if I were you, I would save those Teams messages.
Get this on record with HR – her throwing around words like predator need to be on record.
On a separate note, the petty me would suggest dying your beard different colours each month
NTA – I have zero issue with you pointing out the double standard of a woman behaving poorly.
Good for you.
NTA. She dished it out but was unable to take it. Your retort was much milder than her initial remark. She called you a predator. It was highly inappropriate to make such an unsolicited, baseless remarks on your appearance and character. You should go to HR and document this before her and her clique escalate.
Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. What did she expect? 🤦🏻♀️ NTA
That is absolutely nuts, and though I am LOATHE to say it, you may want to have a discussion with your Human Resources or People Services or whateverthehell your company calls them. Tell them you had a discussion with a co-worker and she belittled your appearance and called you a predator. I’d do it sooner than later, because I’m also betting money she’ll end up making a report about YOU.
NTA, though snapping back at her was a bad choice because it might push things into the ol’ “two wrongs” territory.
ESH. Her for her comment, you for not being able to shut her down in a more professional manner while still getting a dig in.
This sounds like sexual harassment maybe – I mean, she called you a sexual predator. She may not have stated “sexual” explicitly but unless you hunt people for sport (and she knows that) that’s what she meant. You may want to document this and possibly discuss it with your supervisor, especially if other coworkers are harassing you.
NTA.
NTA.
A person should be allowed to make whatever changes they like to their own body when the only person affected is them.
Maybe your beard looks great dyed, maybe it doesn’t. Whatever. Your beard, your choice.
She doesn’t like it? She can keep her opinions to herself.
Her comment about “predatory behavior” is silly and offensive. Given that this is taking place at work, you should start documenting every encounter with her and her friends. They are creating a hostile work environment for you, so you may want to go to HR before she does.
While HR is there to protect the company, not the employees, it’s also generally true that whoever presents their side of the story first controls the narrative. So if you think she is intending to make trouble for you, it might pay to get to HR first.
You need to go to HR about this. That was a wildly inappropriate comment to make and absolutely needs to be reported. At the very least, there needs to be a record in case there’s escalation. This is absolutely a CYA situation and you have to get ahead of the accusations.