My (33F) husband (35M) have been married for almost 9 years. We have four children, all under the age of 12. For most of our relationship the family I married into doesn’t respect me, my marriage or us as parents and the decisions we make as parents. Recently, my husband and I have set up some boundaries and it honestly hasn’t helped because they try and walk right through them. I told my husband I will no longer sit at a table that disrespects us and disrespects me around my children. We also agreed that our kids wouldn’t be visiting until we can discuss these problems with them. “Surprisedly” they’re all too busy to sit down and talk. Now they’re asking what the plan is for the holidays and I would not be comfortable going but I also don’t want this to be all my fault why they throw a pity party on social media. Am I the asshole for telling my husband until this is resolved that we’ll enjoy our own living room this holiday season? Or make alternative plans until accountability is taken?
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My (33F) husband (35M) have been married for almost 9 years. We have four children, all under the age of 12. For most of our relationship the family I married into doesn’t respect me, my marriage or us as parents and the decisions we make as parents. Recently, my husband and I have set up some boundaries and it honestly hasn’t helped because they try and walk right through them. I told my husband I will no longer sit at a table that disrespects us and disrespects me around my children. We also agreed that our kids wouldn’t be visiting until we can discuss these problems with them. “Surprisedly” they’re all too busy to sit down and talk. Now they’re asking what the plan is for the holidays and I would not be comfortable going but I also don’t want this to be all my fault why they throw a pity party on social media. Am I the asshole for telling my husband until this is resolved that we’ll enjoy our own living room this holiday season? Or make alternative plans until accountability is taken?
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> AITA if I make this a big deal or do I need to grin and bare?
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Nta. Start your own traditions. It will be the most enjoyable holiday to date.
Where does your husband land on this? I feel like there isn’t really any conflict unless I’m missing something.
NTA
You’re entitled to spend holidays as your own little family. Sounds fun.
Setting a boundary and being afraid of the consequences is natural.
Spending a boundary being afraid of the consequence and backing down is cowardice.
You’ve already proven that you can do it, now It’s your turn to stand by it. It’s gonna suck but you can.
NTA you got this
Nta if he goes and you don’t it will just tell them that he’s on their side of things and they’re more important than you are to him. Even if that is nor at all the case.
You should stay home and enjoy your family. Kids and husband is plenty of people. ❤️❤️
NTA. If they’re too busy to sit down for a conversation, they won’t have time to spend time with you over the holidays.
YTA If your husband and kids want to go there for the holidays, enjoy your own holiday somewhere with cocktails. Let them go. Take a break. The more that the relatives diss you, the less the kids will want to go. This year my bestie gave the kids the choice between Fiji with her or the toxic MIL’s house. They chose Fiji. Problem solved because now you are not controlling anyone so you can’t be blamed.
I think there needs to be way more detail for the community to weigh in. It seems like you are welcome but don’t want to attend the holiday plans as you feel disrespected for unspecified reasons. How does your husband feel in this situation? Does he agree his family is disrespectful? Banning him from going without more conversation between the 2 of you and attempting to come to a consensus as a partnership would make you TA just a bit.
NTA, it’s perfectly reasonable to celebrate the holidays at home, but if your husband goes without you, you have a husband problem. Hopefully he has a spine and will stay home with you.
I am going to say YTA, it seems like some story is missing. Also saying you are uncomfortable with him going ( like in the title) and telling him he can’t go which you seem to indicate in the last two lines are different things.
NTA.
NTA-make alternative plans. Take your family on holiday or simply just put your foot down and tell them that you will be having an intimate family holiday this year
NTA, and time to do your own holiday traditions in your own home with your own children.
More details are needed to really judge the situation
Info- Can you give examples of the things your in-laws do that disrespect you, your relationship, or how they disrespect you in front of your children?
If you feel like they undermine you as a parent, NTA, do not join them for the holidays, but you need to say why or it will never change if you make another excuse why you all are not coming.
NTA, but you have a husband problem. He’s enabling them and not protecting you. You shouldn’t have to take all the responsibility: it’s his family, not yours. Your husband needs to remember that family means nothing when you’re compromising the family you made for the sake of the family who made you. You need to have a talk with your husband if you want to keep your couple and your children happy and healthy.
NTA. The plan is were celebrating by ourselves this year to enjoy our little family and home. Sorry, no, we dont have room for you. If your husband can’t stand by you and support you, you better have a serious talk with him because then you have a husband problem. Your kids shouldn’t be exposed to toxic family
NTA! Their pity party won’t be your fault – they are the ones doing all of this, you’re just starting to say “no” and they don’t like that. Too bad! Stay home and have a lovely holiday with your babies!
You can’t make rules for other adults.
You can set boundaries, but boundaries are about YOU and your behavior.
A rule is “YOU can’t do X”
A boundary is “If you do X, I am going to ____”
And then follow up and do what you said you’d do.
But is your husband backing up the boundaries you both set together. I’m surprised you’ve lasted 9 years and 4 kids with this behavior. Do you have a husband not having your back issue or an in law issue?
They have been told the kids won’t be visiting until you guys face the issues. And they conveniently assume you’ll still show if they just ignore it. Is your husband backing this up or is he backing them?
Also, what exactly do they do? Context is needed.
Missing-missing reasons. What exactly is this “disrespect” and I’m not gonna lie, you’re not making it look good. Your husband is a fully grown adult with his own rights and autonomy. If you’re “telling him” what he’s doing then yeah, you’re the asshole. The way you’ve written it kiiiinda comes off like you’re the “authority.”
Info:
Are you ok with a video call? If so, I can’t imagine there can’t be time for a video chat if everyone wants resolution
NTA – if you set boundaries and then break them by attending events, you’re just giving them permission to continue to barge right through the boundaries.
NTA. Since they are too busy to talk, they are too busy for the holidays. If your hubby doesn’t back you up, that can be considered a relationship changing event.
NTA!
What good will a conversation do? You know how they feel. Do you want them to promise to refrain from snide remarks?
What’s your end of the bargain?
If they ask you to be more hands on while the kids are visiting, so that they behave better or are less destructive, are you ok with that?
If they ask you to not bring up world events or subjects about which you have a different opinion, are you ok with that?
If they ask you to respect their traditions, are you ok with that?
If you need to tell him that, he’s the asshole…
He knows about the problem. This shouldn’t even be a discussion. Tell them they’re not welcome. Thell them not to come. Be at peace, life is more than swallowing your pride.
NTA. We don’t see my husband’s father at all because he fully disrespected me when we were still dating and then again after we were married for a few years. If you give in they will continue to treat you badly. Your husband needs to be fully on board and he needs to tell his family he has decided this and why. If they know it’s your choice they will just double down on their poor behavior.
Your question and your story dont quite align. You might be the AH if you were telling him where he was allowed to go (although one would hope he wouldn’t want to anyway if you weren’t welcome). You are NTA if you are simply respecting the boundaries you both set, regardless of the season. If their behaviour is so poor that you have both already agreed to keep yourselves and your children away from them, I don’t really see what the issue is as I would expect you both to simply say you’re having a quiet family holiday this year and not entertaining or visiting. I’m not clear whether you’ve actually had this conversation with your husband or had pushback so it’s hard to judge or advise properly.
WTF kind of marriage do you have here and why TF did you just keep having kid after kid? You need to divorce this loser and leave him and his family behind.
After reading enough of these, this just smells like there is way more to the story here and this isn’t a fair picture of both sides.
Nta. Cut them off at the pass if your worried about social media. ‘Our little family unit will be spending the holidays in our comfy boundaries as a team. I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday and when time allows for us all we can get together and talk as we’d been asking to’. They arent going to to change if they see no need to when you continue to do the same thing over and over by sucking it up and going.