Long story short, my mom just out of the blue found out she has an unknown mass with 10+ inch (25.4 cm) diameter in her stomach and has been scheduled for surgery tomorrow to see what it is and hopefully remove it. I am in college full time about a four hour drive away and I work multiple jobs. She said I should focus on school instead of driving down. I told her I would drop everything and come down, but know if this is the start of a long process that I can only get away with missing so much school. If there is more surgery and processes to come where she really needs my help, I feel like I should be there for those instead. Yes I would see her before surgery, but it’d be just sitting around and waiting for results. I’m not trying to be apathetic, just weighing both sides. She does have her partner there with her so she’s not alone and has been calling me with updates. What should do?
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Long story short, my mom just out of the blue found out she has an unknown mass with 10+ inch (25.4 cm) diameter in her stomach and has been scheduled for surgery tomorrow to see what it is and hopefully remove it. I am in college full time about a four hour drive away and I work multiple jobs. She said I should focus on school instead of driving down. I told her I would drop everything and come down, but know if this is the start of a long process that I can only get away with missing so much school. If there is more surgery and processes to come where she really needs my help, I feel like I should be there for those instead. Yes I would see her before surgery, but it’d be just sitting around and waiting for results. I’m not trying to be apathetic, just weighing both sides. She does have her partner there with her so she’s not alone and has been calling me with updates. What should do?
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> (1) I haven’t taken the action yet, asking for advice (2) If I don’t drive down then I may be perceived as the asshole
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Stay at school. I’m speaking as a mom of a college kid who had surgery. You being there will just cause extra stress for your mom. I am sure she is touched that your willing to drive down but shes not going to want to have to worry about you driving, guilt over you skipping classes and shes not going to be up to being strong in front of you (and yes, its a thing moms do so our kids won’t worry).
NTA for staying at school.
NTA. If a time comes when you both really feel that you need to be with each other, then taking time off is a good idea, but if it won’t have a huge effect on your relationship/your mental health now, and the surgery isn’t very risky, I would say continue doing what you’re doing 🙂 all the best for your mother
When I was in college my mom found out she had breast cancer. I was about 5.5-6 hours (one way) away. I wanted to drop out and move home. My mom said all she wanted me to do was focus on school. Your mom told you what she needed right now, for you to stay where you are. As you’ve already pointed out she may need you for more serious things in the future.
Did they say if it was a complicated surgery?
Big hugs to you. I don’t think you’d be the AH if you did not go.
Contact your professors and your biss, arrange to have your school work delayed. Go support your mother. There is no way to know how serious this is, and every surgery is a risk. Blessings to your family during this difficult time.
NTA, depending on the results, she might need you more later.
NTA. Stay at school but perhaps let your teachers know the situation so that if you suddenly leave they will understand.
You’re asking us “SHOULD I skip class?” I think that’s the wrong question.
We can’t advise you what to do. Only YOU can decide, in consultation with your mom.
What you should be asking us (and is the question I’m going to answer) is “WIBTA if I chose NOT to see my mom before surgery, but stayed in class instead?”
And my answer is NTA. You would not be the asshole.
I’m a cancer patient, so I have some experience with this.
During the diagnostic part of the process, I chose to go through all of the tests entirely on my own, including the biopsy, and including the consultation where they broke the bad news. I didn’t even tell a single family member or friend what was going on until I had a positive diagnosis, not merely a suspicion.
Now, some people want family beside them for support during this early stage. But I was pretty sure I could cope on my own (and I did), and I didn’t want them to worry in case it turned out to be nothing serious – which your mother’s unknown mass could well be.
Now, maybe your mom is more like me, and is genuinely OK having surgery with just her partner beside her. Or maybe she’s not, and wants you there with her as well.
You know your mom. We don’t. She’s saying “Don’t drive down; focus on your studies”. Only you know her well enough to know whether she really means it, or whether she’s just saying that but doesn’t mean it and is hoping you’ll go anyway.
If your gut tells you that she really wants you there, then go. Just keep in mind that IF it turns out to be cancer, tomorrow will be just the start of what may be a very long journey. There will be times when she’ll need you more than she does right now. And your studies are important. You are right in thinking that the amount of latitude your college can give you will be limited, no matter how sympathetic they are.
If your gut tells you that she will do OK with just her partner there, then stay at college and go to class. Save the eight-hour round trip for later on when she may REALLY need you.
Best of luck. I hope it turns out to be nothing serious.
NAH
Honor Mom’s wishes. Talk to her on the phone before her surgery to wish her well. If possible, take time to visit this weekend if she’ll be home, instead.
It sounds like your mom is being incredibly selfless by encouraging you to focus on school. That shows the kind of mother she is, because she clearly wants the best for your future and that is admirable.
That said, she is still your mom. If something unexpected were to happen during surgery, how would you feel knowing you could have been there by her side, letting her know how much she means to you? School and work are important, but they will always be there. You are young and will have plenty of time to make up hours and assignments throughout your life. What you will not always have are moments like this.
Even if the surgery goes smoothly, showing up now could mean the world to her. It is not just about sitting around and waiting, it is about presence, love, and support. If it were me, I would go. Because no matter what her recovery looks like afterward, you will never regret choosing to be with her when she faced something this frightening and unknown.
Go see your mom. Things go wrong during surgery, and you don’t want to spend the rest of your life regretting and feeling guilty. Believe me, I know.
NTA.
I took time off work to visit my mom after her hysterectomy. I stayed and talked to her for a couple of hours until she fell back asleep. A few weeks later she asked me if I had to work that day instead of coming to visit her. She was so knocked out from the anesthesia she didn’t remember any of our conversation.
If she’s telling you to stay and focus on your responsibilities and has someone else there to care for her and send you updates, do as she asked. Personally I’d feel guilty if my kid skipped school for me.
NTA. I found out very last minute that my dad needed to be hospitalized and he kept telling me not to worry and go to work because he was two hours away from me, and even though he ended up being okay, I still regret not being there for a job I don’t even have anymore. Family should always come first.
As a mom who battled cancer, Go to class, call to send love before the surgery. Call to check on her after, and then go and visit her over the weekend. You really can’t do anything while she’s in surgery, but you can over the weekend. I hope her mass is benign and she recovers quickly.