Hey Reddit, I’m not sure how to write this,
but some backstory might help.I (20F) live with my mom (60F) and my cousin (23M). My mom has never had the best luck with men she’s been married five times and engaged once. Me and my two older brothers all have different dads.She’s been seeing this guy for about four years. The problem is, she’s the side piece. He’s been saying for over three years that he’ll leave his wife, but it hasn’t happened. All I know about his wife is that she has a bunch of cats and smokes weed.Here’s the issue: apparently he’s going to Spain this Saturday for 10 days, and when he comes back, he’s supposedly going to start selling his stuff so he can move in with us.I don’t want him to move in. I know that might sound selfish, but I’m honestly tired of random men moving in and out of our house. My mom is too old for this kind of drama, and I just want a semi-normal life.
So… would I be the asshole if I told her I don’t want him living with us?
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Hey Reddit, I’m not sure how to write this,
but some backstory might help.I (20F) live with my mom (60F) and my cousin (23M). My mom has never had the best luck with men she’s been married five times and engaged once. Me and my two older brothers all have different dads.She’s been seeing this guy for about four years. The problem is, she’s the side piece. He’s been saying for over three years that he’ll leave his wife, but it hasn’t happened. All I know about his wife is that she has a bunch of cats and smokes weed.Here’s the issue: apparently he’s going to Spain this Saturday for 10 days, and when he comes back, he’s supposedly going to start selling his stuff so he can move in with us.I don’t want him to move in. I know that might sound selfish, but I’m honestly tired of random men moving in and out of our house. My mom is too old for this kind of drama, and I just want a semi-normal life.
So… would I be the asshole if I told her I don’t want him living with us?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1)Me telling my mom and possibly her boyfriend that I don’t want him moving in with us.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
You can say whatever you like to your mom but YTA if you think you get to dictate who she moves into her home. You are an adult, if you don’t like it move out.
If you live with your mom, its not really up to you. If your mom lives with you, then you are free to speak up. In my opinion it all comes down to who the homeowner is
Do you pay rent?
NTA, but if you’re living with her rather than her living with you, you gotta come to terms with the fact that she has every right to let this vibrant red flag into her home, even if it is going to fuck up her life down the line.
tell her how you feel, be honest with her about how you see this guy and the reality that nobody who’s going to leave their wife waits for years before moving out unless a) they’re not going to leave their wife, or b) they were waiting to ensure they had another sucker they could cheat on already willing to let him live with her.
do all this, but remember that ultimately, you can lead a horse to water, but you cannot convince it to stop believing in lies just because it feels better than acknowledging the truth, unless deep down it’s already grappling with the truth and it’s consequences
ESH; While I can tell by what you have presented, your mom makes poor decisions, especially when it comes to men. However you write ‘I live with my mom’, which means she probably pays the bills and you live with her. You can’t refuse, particularly if this boyfriend is not a danger to her or anyone’s wellbeing. He sounds like a loser but not an axe murderer. Best bet is to tell her what you think, which she may not care, and start looking for other living arrangements for yourself. Sounds rough 🙏🏼 Hope it all works out 💖
NTA for your valid concerns and worries, but remember that ultimately, your mom is an adult and entitled to make her own mistakes. Just as you are entitled to not want to be a part of it.
“I love you mom and no matter what you decide, I’ll accept your decision and support you; I just want you to know I am really uncomfortable with the idea of [boyfriend] moving in with us, especially because we have no idea if his wife will go psycho on us and try to cause trouble here or if she could end up like, trying to sue you or something for breaking up his marriage or for him selling off marital property so he could move in with you. It’s just that I love you so much, mom, and I’m just really worried about, well, the entire situation. Anyways, I just wanted to share where my head and heart are at. Thanks so much for hearing me out, Mom, I love you.”
Then before he moves in, make sure all of you and your mom’s financial account information is secure and inaccessible to him even if he’s physically in the house. Do the same with important paperwork such as passports, birth certificates, etc. Make sure any and all easily pawned/sold valuables (jewelry, guns, etc.) are secure (depending on where you live, bank safe deposit boxes are inexpensive). Most importantly, take TONS of photos and videos of the entirety of the house and objects within it BEFORE he moves in. This provides you important documentation on what belongs to you and/or your mom and/or cousin in case (or when) the SHTF.
Having said all that … I also suspect this guy is just lying and stringing your mom along and will simply come up with excuse after excuse to never actually move in. I don’t know if your mom has been giving him money but if she has been, then it’s probably more likely he’s just stringing her along.
Protect yourself, your mother and your cousin best you can. As the saying goes, prepare for the worst but hope for the best.
Good luck.
(Edit: Minor typo and missing words.)
NTA. I think you should discuss your concerns with your mom. If you’re paying rent then you have a say about who lives with you. Please make sure not to be judgemental and be prepared to listen to her.
NAH. You are allowed to voice your opinion, and I think you should voice your concern, but understand that it is just you informing your mom how you feel. Your mom has no obligation to do what you want with her house.
It’s worth a conversation with your mother. However, if it’s her house, it’s her decision. You have the option to leave or deal with it. If she’s living in your house, that’s a different story. You can absolutely say “no”.
NTA. Can you and your cousin move out together and get your own place? It sounds like you’re living together but it’s your mother’s place.
You and your cousin should move out to a small, affordable place and make some agreements about visitors and partners.
YTA. If you don’t like her choices, move out. It’s that simple. I think she’s making a mistake but it’s her life. You can only control you.
NTA, especially after seeing you usually pay half of the rent. 20 is still YOUNG. you are not a grown adult and it is completely normal for people to live at their parents house at this time. you have a right to feel safe and comfortable in your own home even if you weren’t paying rent.