Hi all,
Me and my girlfriend have been together for around 6 years, she hates sex and does not want anything to do with it. I am respecting her decision on it, but I want to know if there is any way I can make her feel better? She has expressed that it’s not due to me not being able to perform, but just the act of it. She says she feels like she is being more used for her body than anything else.
I told her if that is how she feels I will completely drop all my desires or attempts to make her see that I don’t want her just for her body. I am extremely attracted to her even after 6 years and I desire her, but I don’t want her to feel like that is all I want from her. Mind you, we also don’t do it a lot, maybe once every couple of weeks or months when she feels up to it.
She has expressed that she loves when I eat her out, she doesn’t mind that and I do that a lot more often, but I don’t get anything in return (not that I have to, I just mean it would be nice to also feel appreciated or desired).
She did have bad sexual experiences in the past that I think also influences it, and she says she doesn’t see it as an emotional connection, it’s just an act to her, like something you just do. I, on the other hand, see it as an intimate, emotional act carried out with love and care.
We have also had some relationship problems the last while, but we’ve sorted out most of it now, I don’t know if this also contributes to it.
Is there any way I can try and fix what is going on here?
Edit – Just added some more context.
Comments
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We’d like to take this time to remind users that:
We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors
We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.
Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users “friend-zoned”, referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me’s, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.
All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don’t get a free pass.
Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, “body counts” or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.
If you have any questions, please message the mods
This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
So, she’s not giving you head Sparky?
I had a gf like her. She was an escort before I met her and fucked upwards of 200 guys. She did learn to feel sex as an act of love with me. Your gf should at least try to be open to this idea. Also odd she loves getting eaten out but there’s no association with cock. If I ate my gf out, she’d eventually start begging for my dick. It would be nice if she were willing to see a therapist to talk it through. She’s letting it effect her life so much
Very complacent.. Frustrating. For me and my ex, how it worked was I’d eat her out till she came once or twice, then she’d beg for my dick and she’d cum vaginally. It was a knockout combination, lol
Will she talk to you about her rape experience? After a few years my ex shared her virgin rape experience. Ir felt like it helped her a lot to say it to someone.
She needs therapy. Period. Either that or she’s possibly asexual.
Question: does she’s expect you to live the rest of your life celibate and stay with her?
I feel like she needs therapy. I felt the same way due to previous sexual abuse I’d suffered. For me, sex was something dirty, impure; not something that emotionally connected me with my partner. I’d feel like a sex toy instead of feeling like a woman who loves and is attracted to her partner. Thorugh therapy and long talks I was able to get through that and be able to have a healthy sex life. Wishing you the best of luck:)
Generic I don’t know you but heres some advice advice: take it all off the table. If she’s ace, cool. But a lot a women just have so much pressure and anxiety around sex that they cant get into it, or so much stress in their life that their hormones are too busy to head south. Take it off the table so that she feels safe creating non sexual intimacy, and once you’ve established that WELL and not just for a few days start opening up conversations like “is there anything other than penetration that you might be into, or something that feels good for you” etc. The libido fairy in ig has really great insight for partners looking to overcome mental barriers in their sex lives, I recommend giving her a shot as well if only so you can learn more about the female (mental) sexual experience.
She’s not asexual, she’s selfish.
She’s got “no interest in sex and can live the rest of her life without it” but expects you to go down on her an unknown amount of times, to completion for her, BUT if you want any reciprocation, you can just “find someone else to do that with” … which I can guarantee she will not allow if you actually did find someone else.
Did I leave anything out? Move on, man. Unless you’re happy to do this bullshit dance for the rest of your life?
She needs to go to therapy and it has to be completely her decision to go. Unfortunately, this issue will probably not get better without that. Sex isn’t everything, but it’s necessary in a relationship. Your patience and perseverance with it is admirable, but at the same time, this sounds like something she needs to sort through on her own.