Backstory:
I’m 35F, husband is 34M, we’re Australian. Growing up, I split Christmases between mum’s and dad’s families, alternating each year. My dad’s family in particular have tended to share the hosting duties around, and do “bring a plate” style with salads, hot and cold meats, etc. Husband’s family is very traditional, his mum in particular would die without a traditional English dinner (her mum or grandma was English originally). He’s pretty disconnected from extended family and there’s always the usual roundup at their Christmases. They ALWAYS do Christmas Day, at lunchtime. For the 16+ years we’ve been together we’ve often done lunch with them and then rushed down to see my family and nibble lunch leftovers, or done Boxing Day with my family – rarely have we just spent the day with my family (maybe once or twice).
Current situation:
We did Christmas lunch with my family last year. Ordinarily that would mean spending it with his this year. But in March my cousin died suddenly and unexpectedly of brain cancer that took over her brain in the space of a single week. She was my age almost exactly; we grew up close as sisters. She left behind three kids similar ages to my own. The family has been rocked by her death. Her mum is still heavy in the grief – my cousin was her only child.
I feel that it’s important to be together for Christmas. Every milestone has hurt a little more: first Mother’s Day without her, first birthday without receiving a birthday text from her. I keep thinking ahead to our first Christmas without her and I know it’s gonna be hard. So I’ve offered to host at our place and have my whole family over so we can share the grief as well as the Christmas spirit. It’ll be bittersweet.
But then I find out that my BIL is wanting to host for that side of the family. He lives 2 hours away at the beach – it’s not a matter of popping over before/after. And my husband apparently missed the conversations where I’d brought up the hosting Christmas thing, now saying it’s the first he’s heard, and he seems pissed.
I feel bad if we don’t do Christmas with his family this year just given how much it means to them (especially his mum)… but I also don’t think I could handle the day without crying, and no one there is going to understand.
AITA for wanting to spend the day with my fam for our first Christmas without my cousin?
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Backstory:
I’m 35F, husband is 34M, we’re Australian. Growing up, I split Christmases between mum’s and dad’s families, alternating each year. My dad’s family in particular have tended to share the hosting duties around, and do “bring a plate” style with salads, hot and cold meats, etc. Husband’s family is very traditional, his mum in particular would die without a traditional English dinner (her mum or grandma was English originally). He’s pretty disconnected from extended family and there’s always the usual roundup at their Christmases. They ALWAYS do Christmas Day, at lunchtime. For the 16+ years we’ve been together we’ve often done lunch with them and then rushed down to see my family and nibble lunch leftovers, or done Boxing Day with my family – rarely have we just spent the day with my family (maybe once or twice).
Current situation:
We did Christmas lunch with my family last year. Ordinarily that would mean spending it with his this year. But in March my cousin died suddenly and unexpectedly of brain cancer that took over her brain in the space of a single week. She was my age almost exactly; we grew up close as sisters. She left behind three kids similar ages to my own. The family has been rocked by her death. Her mum is still heavy in the grief – my cousin was her only child.
I feel that it’s important to be together for Christmas. Every milestone has hurt a little more: first Mother’s Day without her, first birthday without receiving a birthday text from her. I keep thinking ahead to our first Christmas without her and I know it’s gonna be hard. So I’ve offered to host at our place and have my whole family over so we can share the grief as well as the Christmas spirit. It’ll be bittersweet.
But then I find out that my BIL is wanting to host for that side of the family. He lives 2 hours away at the beach – it’s not a matter of popping over before/after. And my husband apparently missed the conversations where I’d brought up the hosting Christmas thing, now saying it’s the first he’s heard, and he seems pissed.
I feel bad if we don’t do Christmas with his family this year just given how much it means to them (especially his mum)… but I also don’t think I could handle the day without crying, and no one there is going to understand.
AITA for wanting to spend the day with my fam for our first Christmas without my cousin?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because I’m organising Christmas with my family for the second year in a row instead of us going to my husband’s family’s Christmas.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. Grief doesn’t take turns on alternating years.
>And my husband apparently missed the conversations where I’d brought up the hosting Christmas thing, now saying it’s the first he’s heard, and he seems pissed.
>I feel bad if we don’t do Christmas with his family this year just given how much it means to them (especially his mum)…
Something to think about: does your husband often place his and his family’s emotional needs above yours? Even in a place of grieving, you’re still thinking about his family- but he doesn’t seem to be extending the same care towards you.
ETA: NAH but the marriage issue is the actual conflict and the Christmas stuff doesn’t really matter
INFO you say he “seems pissed”, have you guys actually say down and discussed this? Neither of you are wrong for having formed plans for Christmas, but you’re married, you need to sit down and talk through this whole thing and figure out what to do together
Not the AH. 4 hours travel on Christmas? And you get a bye with the loss of your cousin.
NTAH – sounds like BIL can host next year. This year, maybe you can invite them over?
Info: I don’t understand why he can’t do his thing and you do yours, given the circumstances, and especially given that you two are estranged (as per your comment)?
Are you trying to to “keep up appearances” for some reason? Even so, surely his traditional mum would understand why you have to be with your family this year, and he can go to BILs and have trad Christmas?
NTA
Your husband needs to practice listening and needs to learn some empathy.
His mother is not entitled to every Christmas. She can do Christmas Eve this year (if that works for you) or the weekend before/after Christmas. Or just you and husband can celebrate with her separately on one of those dates if she cannot change the date for her dinner.
This BIL you mention, which side of the family is he from? The same side as your cousin or the other side of your family? If the same, did he offer first or did you?
You are in the right here. If your husband cannot get on board, he can go to his mommy’s alone and you can be with your grieving family. This is going to be a very painful day; being together will help.
I am sorry for your loss.
NTA. If I had a husband upset with the situation you’re in, I would honestly be worrying that our morals and values are not as aligned as I thought. Grief does not wait for its own turn in the family Christmas order, and I would expect love and support to be implicit and offered without hesitation. Coming from a family that has sacrificed the “ideal” holiday to make sure the right people can participate and be included, my first instinct in his shoes would be to say “maybe we should try to be with your family on Christmas this time”, so I can’t really fathom why he’s surprised. There is such an obvious priority between “family members who are grieving a loved one” and “someone who simply likes tradition” that I don’t know how he’d even rationalize putting his family first (and if he pulls the “last year we had lunch with your family card” I would INSTANTLY pull the “how many times have we done the whole day with your family and how many times have we done the whole day with mine? since you’re so concerned about fairness and being even, I’m going to cash in.”) If I’m reading correctly, you also have kids, and there’s not a chance in hell a) I would deny them the chance to be with their cousins/family for this holiday and b) I would want to teach them that “tradition/because I said so” is more important than people’s emotional needs. Tradition can be loving and fun, but inflexibility and lack of empathy for others is not.
Additionally, if your husband was previously informed of the hosting plans, it’s not your fault if he wasn’t listening properly. It drives me absolutely nuts when people who weren’t listening blame the speaker.