AITA for not sending a gift for a bridal shower I didn’t attend?
I (29f) live about 18 hours away from all of my family and family friends. My siblings and I have these close family friends that we always called our “cousins” growing up. One of them, the son my age, is getting married to his girlfriend of 6 years. We see these family friends maybe once a year now that we’re all grown up. A year ago I was shocked and honored when him and his fiancé asked me to officiate their wedding, truly so special that they considered me to marry them!
I happily said yes, and shipped them a small engagement gift for their home as a congrats.
I will be flying for the wedding, my plane ticket was about $600 round trip. I got ordained to marry them, which was free, but the certificates to prove I can sign off on their license were $60. I also ordered a special marriage license for them to frame and keep in their home since I read most of the time you don’t get to keep a physical copy, it gets turned into the town hall etc. So I wanted to gift them a special copy for themselves and surprise them with that gift on the wedding day. I am also including a $100 check in a card at the wedding. And I am ordering off their wedding registry as a wedding gift.
The bride had a bridal party a few weeks ago that my siblings and mom attended, and my mom kept asking me what I’d be sending her. I wasn’t sure, and honestly didn’t feel very inclined since I wasn’t attending and also have about 4 gifts total already in the books for this wedding? Yesterday on the phone my sister asked me what I ended up mailing the bride, and I told her I didn’t. She yelled at me saying it’s wedding etiquette and that it was rude not to. And that she was disappointed in me for being almost 30 and not more aware of these adult things. I’m at a loss for how any of this is sane. I can understand it being rude if I attended the shower without a gift, but I didn’t fly home for it? And I have sent an engagement gift, plus they know I’m one of the only guests flying in for the wedding. I’m now worried it was a silent disappointment for them, but how is that necessary to have everyone gift the same cheesy house gifts over and over for a wedding. What happened to just giving money at the wedding and moving on!!! All of these showers and gifts and everything feel so overwhelming and unnecessary, and like we forget the point of a wedding. To celebrate love. Why does it have to be celebrated with gifts?
AITA for not sending another gift
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AITA for not sending a gift for a bridal shower I didn’t attend?
I (29f) live about 18 hours away from all of my family and family friends. My siblings and I have these close family friends that we always called our “cousins” growing up. One of them, the son my age, is getting married to his girlfriend of 6 years. We see these family friends maybe once a year now that we’re all grown up. A year ago I was shocked and honored when him and his fiancé asked me to officiate their wedding, truly so special that they considered me to marry them!
I happily said yes, and shipped them a small engagement gift for their home as a congrats.
I will be flying for the wedding, my plane ticket was about $600 round trip. I got ordained to marry them, which was free, but the certificates to prove I can sign off on their license were $60. I also ordered a special marriage license for them to frame and keep in their home since I read most of the time you don’t get to keep a physical copy, it gets turned into the town hall etc. So I wanted to gift them a special copy for themselves and surprise them with that gift on the wedding day. I am also including a $100 check in a card at the wedding. And I am ordering off their wedding registry as a wedding gift.
The bride had a bridal party a few weeks ago that my siblings and mom attended, and my mom kept asking me what I’d be sending her. I wasn’t sure, and honestly didn’t feel very inclined since I wasn’t attending and also have about 4 gifts total already in the books for this wedding? Yesterday on the phone my sister asked me what I ended up mailing the bride, and I told her I didn’t. She yelled at me saying it’s wedding etiquette and that it was rude not to. And that she was disappointed in me for being almost 30 and not more aware of these adult things. I’m at a loss for how any of this is sane. I can understand it being rude if I attended the shower without a gift, but I didn’t fly home for it? And I have sent an engagement gift, plus they know I’m one of the only guests flying in for the wedding. I’m now worried it was a silent disappointment for them, but how is that necessary to have everyone gift the same cheesy house gifts over and over for a wedding. What happened to just giving money at the wedding and moving on!!! All of these showers and gifts and everything feel so overwhelming and unnecessary, and like we forget the point of a wedding. To celebrate love. Why does it have to be celebrated with gifts?
AITA for not sending another gift
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I am attending a wedding for a close family friend and did not send the bride a gift for her bridal shower. I was not aware its wedding etiquette to send a gift even if you aren’t attending, but my family is up in arms about me not sending something and are upset with me. I’m not questioning if I did something wrong and if I’m and asshole for not sending a gift. Is this standard etiquette or are they overreacting?
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA Your sister is dead wrong about the “etiquette”. If you do not attend a shower, no gift is necessary. Your sister needs to start reading Miss Manners column.
nah you’re not the asshole here. bridal showers are for the people who actually attend, you’re already spending hundreds flying out, officiating, and getting them multiple gifts. that’s way more than most people would do. your sister’s acting like you skipped out on your only gift when in reality you’re going above and beyond. etiquette is nice, but common sense matters too.
NTA. You aren’t in the bridal party/attend the party, you are the officiant. Its actually etiquette for them to give you a gift.
NTA. You’re already sending four gifts. You don’t need to send another to an event that you won’t even be attending.
Nta.
NTA. Your mom and sister aren’t following etiquette, which says you don’t technically have to send a bridal shower gift if you can’t attend. Most especially since you’ve already given an engagement gift and have wedding gifts as well.
Technically, they (the couple) should be giving you something for officiating. But you’re also gifting that to them as you are a long-time family friend.
NTA
I’m always reading about “etiquette” for these things but the idea of throwing yourself several parties to celebrate yourself and expecting a gift for each one is honestly baffling. Is it not just a gift gathering exercise for the bride and groom? You have invested enough money into this already.
NTA. The only person being rude here is your sister for yelling at you on the basis of something being “wedding etiquette.”
Nta.
Your sister is a fruitcake.
That said, IF I was going to send a gift to a bridal shower I couldn’t attend, it would have been something like flowers or an edible arrangement or a fruit/snacks basket for the day of with a card that said something like “I’m here in spirit, have a special day!”.
But, I LIKE buying gifts. It is nowhere near mandatory omg.
NTA.
I don’t think you’re an AH here, but I have to say I don’t think this is an AITA unless and until the bride herself tells you she has a problem with it.
Your sister is absolutely wrong here. You are always at liberty to send a present to anyone for any reason, but it is never obligatory to do so if you don’t attend an event. You have already done far more than I would by even sending an engagement gift. Where does this all end?
I’m sorry that you have a foolish sister, but she’s the A H here.
NTA
Your sister is 100% wrong. It is not obligatory to provide a gift and it is not rude to not send agift to a party you can’t attend.
HEck, you don’t even have to provide a gift at the wedding althoug hthere, it is normal to do so, however, you could argue that you are officiating fro them free of charge andthat is in itself a gift. (I know that you are planning to give them a gift as well, but just to be aware that you would be fine, from an etiquette point of view, if you didn’t)
NTA
NTA
But, why the $100 in a card at the wedding and also a gift off the registry at the wedding? Seems like you’d normally do one or the other. You could have instead taken the funds from the double wedding gift and sent a shower gift.
If I’m close to the person, I’ll send a shower gift if I attend or not. If I’m not that close, I don’t send anything if I can’t attend.
NTA – you have already been MORE than generous here. If the situation were different and you were only attending the wedding as a guest, I think it would have been nice (but not necessary) to send a small shower gift.
But, you gave them an engagement gift and are performing their ceremony!
You’re good!
It sounds like you are being thoughtful and generous. Your sister is totally in the wrong. NTA
NTA – If you aren’t attending the shower, you aren’t obligated to send anything.
NTA. Cut them all off. Mentally stable people wouldn’t put you through all of this.
A present for an engagement? That is asinine.
What is a Bridal party? They got an engagement party, a bachelorette party, bachelor party, the rehearsal dinner and party, plus the wedding itself! Yet couples can’t buy homes ….. But still want, want, want! NTA
First, NTA. However, typically if you are invited, you are supposed to send a gift. That is what used to be the case (if you searched the old Miss Manners type things) but it sounds like you have gone above and beyond.
NTA, they’re just fishing for more gifts…
They have moved you out of the “family friend” group into the “officiating at our wedding” group. The one who performs the marriage ceremony does not give gifts to the happy couple at all; you are choosing to breach those boundaries for understood reasons. Tell those hags who are harassing you that your “bridal party” (whatever that is) gift (make it the wedding certificate you got them) is coming with you, and present it to the bride as such. Basta ya.
But seriously, when I got married I had no pre-wedding “parties”, my hubs and I didn’t have a gift registry, and our invites specifically said “No Presents, Just Your Presence”. When did weddings turn into this endless gift grab???
You are caught in the middle of a gift-groveling cult. Time to get deprogrammed.
If you are using etiquette as the “Rules to Follow”, then discussing gifts (yours or other people’s) then you/they are already being rude!
More importantly, Gifts are exactly that, gifts and as such are not required, ever! Gifts should be given from the heart, and no other reason.
For weddings and showers, the expectations are that you give a gift if you actually attend or RSVP “yes”, to an event. If you let the host know you need to change your RSVP well in advance, no gift is required.
That being said, societal expectations DEMAND that you give a gift on certain occasions. Weddings and showers are at the top of the list.
There is a (generally unspoken) rule that says the person/couple hosting the party will provide food, drinks and maybe a party favor and entertainment.
Your gift should reflect how close you are to the person and how much it cost for the host to include you at the event.
For weddings, this has evolved into a “pay for your plate” guideline. In other words, the fancier and/or more expensive the wedding, the more money people need to spend.
Strictly based on etiquette, this is not the rule. It’s polite to give a gift if you are invited to an event. However, It is the absolute pinnacle of rudeness to openly talk about the lack of, or cheapness of a gift. The only time it is ok to discuss the gift is while writing thank you notes.