This is more complicated than the title. My ex and I split over 3 year ago and maintained a friendly relationship until this past February when he started dating his current girlfriend, Z. At the time, I was living with my now ex, but I had tiny voice in the back of my head telling me to not cut my lease early at my old place and I was right, we ended up splitting in May. I live in a fairly small 1 bedroom with my cat. He lives in a 3 story townhouse with his cat. These are cats we adopted when we were dating and living together, and when we split, it worked out well, one cat liked me more, one cat liked him more, easy enough, right?
Wrong. So we adopted these cats over 7 years ago and have had them for most of their lives. Anyone I date, I make it clear my cat and I are a package deal so if they have severe allergies, it’s not a good fit. However, Z has bad cat allergies. And supposedly she’s been trying to get more exposure to the cat and the allergies haven’t gotten better. I got a text out of the blue a few days ago from my ex asking if I would take his cat because Z is moving in. I can’t have 2 cats in my apartment and it also also goes against my lease. I told him no, and provided him with a list of solutions, one of which included allergy shots which worked well for me. He told me no, shots don’t work for her, and I asked, oh is she anti vax or something?
I told him they’re worth trying and left it at that. The next day I got a series of texts from him asking what was up about me asking that, that it was a dig, just being really rude I guess. I told him that he’s had his cat for 7 years, she’s 11 years old, if you take to a shelter, she’ll probably die there, she’s not easily re-homeable, and she’s super attached to you and it’ll really hurt her if she just never sees you again.
He told me to stay out of his relationship and that I had no business commenting on how he was handling this but he brought me into it in the first place.
So, was I the AH for how I responded to this?
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This is more complicated than the title. My ex and I split over 3 year ago and maintained a friendly relationship until this past February when he started dating his current girlfriend, Z. At the time, I was living with my now ex, but I had tiny voice in the back of my head telling me to not cut my lease early at my old place and I was right, we ended up splitting in May. I live in a fairly small 1 bedroom with my cat. He lives in a 3 story townhouse with his cat. These are cats we adopted when we were dating and living together, and when we split, it worked out well, one cat liked me more, one cat liked him more, easy enough, right?
Wrong. So we adopted these cats over 7 years ago and have had them for most of their lives. Anyone I date, I make it clear my cat and I are a package deal so if they have severe allergies, it’s not a good fit. However, Z has bad cat allergies. And supposedly she’s been trying to get more exposure to the cat and the allergies haven’t gotten better. I got a text out of the blue a few days ago from my ex asking if I would take his cat because Z is moving in. I can’t have 2 cats in my apartment and it also also goes against my lease. I told him no, and provided him with a list of solutions, one of which included allergy shots which worked well for me. He told me no, shots don’t work for her, and I asked, oh is she anti vax or something?
I told him they’re worth trying and left it at that. The next day I got a series of texts from him asking what was up about me asking that, that it was a dig, just being really rude I guess. I told him that he’s had his cat for 7 years, she’s 11 years old, if you take to a shelter, she’ll probably die there, she’s not easily re-homeable, and she’s super attached to you and it’ll really hurt her if she just never sees you again.
He told me to stay out of his relationship and that I had no business commenting on how he was handling this but he brought me into it in the first place.
So, was I the AH for how I responded to this?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the AH if I did overstep but I don’t think I did. My intentions were to look out for the cat I lived with for 4 years before we broke up but I guess maybe I could’ve handled it better….?
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Nope, can’t say stay out of it when he initiated it. NTA
NTA-your ex on the other hand is a real asshole. I have never understood how people can just give away their pets.
YTA. You provided him a list that included telling his girlfriend to get shots? Please take a second to appreicate how anyone would react if their current s/o said “hey, was talking to my ex and they think you should make a doctor’s appointment to”
> I asked, oh is she anti vax or something?
I just did a spittake.
> He told me to stay out of his relationship and that I had no business commenting on how he was handling this but he brought me into it in the first place.
He asked you if you wanted the cat, that was it. Not what medicial advice you had for his s/o other and if you have had any thoughts on her views on medicine.
Oh, I think your heart was in right place but absolutely no. You crossed the line.
NTA
Sounds like it’s time to go NC with this ex if he thinks the only possible solution to a problem in his life is to make it your problem.
You’re a good pet owner. Keep doing you.
Nta,
It’s a tough situation. If you can make it happen, I’d take the cat. If it’s just not possible, it just not your problem
YTA. He asked you said no. That was the extent of it being your business.
NTA he brought you into it. The cat is a living thing too. That’s been there for 7 years and he’s dumping the cat to move another woman in? Seems like he moves women in pretty quickly and without thinking too much tbh.
NTA. He dragged you into it by asking if you’d take the cat, so of course you gave him your honest reaction. An 11yo cat that’s super attached to its owner isn’t just gonna bounce back if dumped at a shelter, that’s basically a death sentence. A shelter isn’t gonna place her easy and she’s gonna be miserable. You weren’t wrong to point that out, even if you were blunt. He just didn’t like hearing the truth.
NTA since he pulled you into this. Do either of you have family or other friends who could take his cat?
YTA
It is not your cat
He’s prioritizing a human over a cat which is a sound decision.
He tried to give it to you first. That’s all he really owed you out of this.
YTA. Just like YOU didn’t take the cat bc life, he’s got stuff that requires him to give the cat up. Real Holier Than Thou vibes from this
ESH. You didn’t have to give him a list of solutions to a simple question, nor did he need to respond to your suggestions. YTA first, but he joined the club after responding
YTA
You were consulted for the express purpose of whether you could take in the cat.
Your decisions about how you run your relationships are your own, not anything you can impose on your ex.
You were not asked for suggestions and insisting a person tell a 3rd person that they should have a medical procedure and then assuming things about them because you don’t like the answer is shitty.
You swerved way out of your lane with everything you did after declining.
Nta but ex is horrible
NTA. And I place my cats way over some new kindling relationship. Especially if it’s one i’ve had for seven years.
I was with you until the vaccine comment. YTA. Just because something worked for you doesn’t mean it will work for someone else. That’s not how medicine works. Everyone reacts differently. The anti-vax comment was out of line. It was really nice of him to reach out to you about an animal that you both cared for together for years. He didn’t have to do that. It’s an unfortunate situation and he was trying to find a trusted home. You gave him his answer leave it at that and honestly I think you should block him after this for your own peace.
YTA. All you had to do was say ‘Sorry, I can’t take him’. It’s none of your business that your ex is handling his cat parenting responsibilities differently than you would – hypothetically – or that you want him to. I think offering ideas was borderline, since that was unsolicited, and questioning someone’s medical (or other) reasons for not wanting or being able to take allergy shots was minimally over the line because it’s clearly none of your business, and the specific reference to her being anti-vax or something sounds presumptuous and antagonistic.
NTA. He brought you into it, of course you’re free to comment on the situation! He’s just mad because he didn’t like what you had to say.