Here’s the situation, the last few years my wife and I have hosted my In-laws for the holidays (father in law and his wife, my wife’s mother is deceased). They usually stay with us for a few days in our guest room over Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, etc.
We get along fine but they are very difficult people to deal with sometimes. They pretty much just sit on the couch the whole time on their phones while we cook, clean, serve, etc. They LOVE to complain about everything (politics, the food, etc), and aren’t really interested in going out of the house to do activities.
We have a 2 year old daughter, whom they love but don’t really help with all that much either. So with our daughter become more active, hosting the holidays has become more difficult to the point where we don’t even enjoy Christmas anymore.
We have decided this year that we’re over it and don’t want to host them anymore (at least for this year). Further adding to things is that my wife will be 4 months pregnant with our 2nd by Christmas. We have been transitioning the guest room to our daughter’s room, so even if they did come, they would have to get a hotel.
Normally we wouldn’t give much thought to this decision, but my father in law has been dealing with some pretty serious health issues, and it’s possible he may not even feel healthy enough to make the 5 hour drive to our house. I don’t want to feel like we’re “depriving” him of his time with his grandchildren, but also we want to be able to relax and just enjoy the holidays with our daughter. My wife is even more against the idea of hosting them than I am. I already know that telling them we’re not hosting this year will be met with anger and disappointment, but AITA for wanting to take back control of the holidays? To me these are precious years with our 2 year old that I want to experience with her and my wife, rather than people who, to be honest, are not very pleasant to be around.
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT – DO NOT SKIM. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything.
Here’s the situation, the last few years my wife and I have hosted my In-laws for the holidays (father in law and his wife, my wife’s mother is deceased). They usually stay with us for a few days in our guest room over Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, etc.
We get along fine but they are very difficult people to deal with sometimes. They pretty much just sit on the couch the whole time on their phones while we cook, clean, serve, etc. They LOVE to complain about everything (politics, the food, etc), and aren’t really interested in going out of the house to do activities.
We have a 2 year old daughter, whom they love but don’t really help with all that much either. So with our daughter become more active, hosting the holidays has become more difficult to the point where we don’t even enjoy Christmas anymore.
We have decided this year that we’re over it and don’t want to host them anymore (at least for this year). Further adding to things is that my wife will be 4 months pregnant with our 2nd by Christmas. We have been transitioning the guest room to our daughter’s room, so even if they did come, they would have to get a hotel.
Normally we wouldn’t give much thought to this decision, but my father in law has been dealing with some pretty serious health issues, and it’s possible he may not even feel healthy enough to make the 5 hour drive to our house. I don’t want to feel like we’re “depriving” him of his time with his grandchildren, but also we want to be able to relax and just enjoy the holidays with our daughter. I already know that telling them we’re not hosting this year will be met with anger and disappointment, but AITA for wanting to take back control of the holidays? To me these are precious years with our 2 year old that I want to experience with her and my wife, rather than people who, to be honest, are not very pleasant to be around.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. The action that I took that should be judged is refusing to host my in-laws for Christmas this year
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
I should add, that we have extended invites to them to come visit during the year all the time, to which they do not take us up on
NTA. Have your WIFE tell them.
INFO what does your wife think? Does she want to see them this holiday season?
NTA…you have other plans this year. That’s all you have to say.
NTA. For a variety of reasons, this is not a good year to host, all issues aside. Present it that way to your FIL (“We won’t be hosting during the holidays this year because my wife is pregnant and doesn’t need the extra stress of entertaining, etc.). It’s not your worry or responsibility for how he accepts your decision. He needs to respect your family’s needs too as it is no longer just about him and his wants. Suggest an alternative time for a visit if you want or make the effort to go visit them at another time.
NTA There’s 12 days to Christmas. Your family and your in laws can get together over the holidays. It doesn’t have to be on Christmas Eve and Christmas. You can enjoy a quiet family Christmas and plan something to do something with the in laws on another day.
NTA. Hosting is a ton of work, and it sounds like they contribute nothing but complaints.
ou have every right to prioritise your own family’s peace, especially with a toddler and another baby on the way. Let them be disappointed – that’s not your problem.
NTA at all! you can always let the in-laws know that THIS year you’ll be doing things differently, not that there will never be another Christmas at your house. Secondly, you can also plan a few things and invite the in-laws to join, like : if you decide to get a hotel, we’d love to have you join for photos with Santa and the mall Saturday at 1 pm.
NTA. Craft a plan that works better. It sounds like your FIL might not be up for travel anyway. Just explain something like “For a multitude of reasons, I’m afraid we won’t be able to host you for Christmas this year.” and propose whatever alternative comes to mind, whether it’s having them stay in a hotel and taking another approach to the festivities, or perhaps you traveling to them to shift hosting onto them somewhat (though IDK if that’ll be reasonable for them, or for you with a young child).
Point being, this will go over better if you’re able to offer an alternative – one that better suits your appetite, energy, and interests.
NTA, let them know your wife, and you, aren’t up to hosting this year.
Can your family go to them after the holiday? Maybe say to the in-laws that as soon as you’re all up for it you’ll book a hotel for a weekend and do a belated Christmas celebration? Then you can come and go as you please while still getting to spend time with them?
I would tell them that you aren’t hosting this year, as your wife is pregnant and its your last Christmas as a family of three, so you want to focus on enjoying that, rather than all of the extra cooking, cleaning, etc that hosting requires.
You should let them know soon, so that they have plenty of time to make other plans. Don’t drop it on them when restaurants / hotels / flights are fully booked.
I would tell them that you aren’t hosting this year, as your wife is pregnant and its your last Christmas as a family of three, so you want to focus on enjoying that, rather than all of the extra cooking, cleaning, etc that hosting requires.
You should let them know soon, so that they have plenty of time to make other plans. Don’t drop it on them when restaurants / hotels / flights are fully booked.
nta. tell them as soon as possible, so they can make plans.
also you could suggest a post holiday (early Jan) meet up at a near(ish) to them restaurant or inn. you may need to drive, but better than spending hours cleaning/cooking, you could even spend a night at inn, one last trip for wife before baby comes in april
NTA, hosting is not going to bring the family closer under these circumstances, but talk to them about it. There are other Christmas experiences than having family over that might work better for everyone. You could meet halfway at a hotel that is serving Christmas brunch, or maybe there is a family friend or relative who has given an open invite that has never been taken. If FIL is unwell, there might later be regret in not seeing each other for the holiday, but that could be mitigated with a 4 hour visit, rather than a 48 hour one.
Some people really enjoy being miserable complainers, so it’s possible they are having a wonderful time telling you two how much everything sucks, and they’ll be devastated to miss out on the lovely tradition…but if you give them something else to complain about, it might become their new favorite, and let you off the hook permanently.
anger? wow
NTA and you don’t need to provide a reason or an alternative. “We won’t be hosting Christmas this year”. Done
What makes you feel worse? The anger and disappointment or the thought of them in your house for a few days- if those are your two options as you’ve laid out.
Nta
But I would say it’s because of the pregnancy you can’t vs they are couch potatoes
Why would you even CONSIDER these two toxic people into your home with a 2 year old and a expectant wife? Absolutely NTA, tell them they won’t be able to come and if they push the issue, tell them bluntly why.
NTA.
You and your wife deserve to enjoy the holidays without stress, especially with a toddler and a pregnancy. Setting boundaries and hosting elsewhere (or not at all) is completely reasonable your well-being and family time come first.
NTA but make sure your wife is the one who has the conversation and not you. (Bio) Family forgives (bio) family much faster than they do in law family and if you make yourself the target, he could take it out on you. Don’t do it.
NTA. It is your home. I would say that they are welcome to visit, but you can’t “host” them.
NTA
Tell them you’re not able to host this year. Suggest an alternate idea. Maybe you meet them for lunch one day close to Christmas someplace halfway between where you live so the drive isn’t too long for either of you.
Holy crap!! No you’re not the asshole!! Your in-laws are!! They sit around and do nothing but complain!! Here’s what you do. You let them know now that you will not be hosting. I’ll let you decide on the reason to use. (Wife is pregnant. Don’t have a room for you. Whatever works.) Instead, tell them you will take them out for a nice meal during the holiday season. You can meet somewhere halfway in between. And from now on, make THAT your holiday tradition with them. Next Christmas, you will have two small children, so making a big holiday meal will be too difficult. If they don’t like it, too bad. No is a complete sentence. It doesn’t sound like your wife’s father has much to do with your daughter anyway, so no one is being deprived of anything. Have a nice peaceful Christmas, and congratulations!!!
NTA
Offered to have a catered meal at your in-laws house. Stay in a hotel. Enjoy the day with them and then go home. Much less fuss and you can walk away
Same thing in the future, let them know your house is getting full and that you welcome them for dinner, but they will need to find an Airbnb or hotel reservations
Absolutely NTA.
You can tell him that there are a number of reasons, and all put together they add up to you not hosting. Yes, I know, any one of them is reason enough, but put that way with them all listed, he’s not going to be able to turn every one of them round.
Maybe arrange to go and visit him in the summer after the baby is born. And you guys also get to choose when that visit ends, which is another bonus!
NTA
I would say NTA even if your wife wasn’t pregnant, and even if you didn’t already have a 2 year old.
What’s the point of them visiting you for Christmas if all they do is sit on the couch, play with their phones, and complain?
NTA. If they want to get together, they can settle for a restaurant meal. You’ve too much on your plate to worry about their plates.