I (42M) live next door to “Bill” (87M). He’s been my neighbor for about 15 years, and for the past two I’ve been helping him out a lot: groceries, rides to appointments, fixing small things around his house.
Here’s the problem: Bill has started treating me like his personal caretaker. He calls at random hours for stuff that isn’t urgent (like moving his couch or resetting his router). Last month, he called me during my work meeting because he “couldn’t figure out his thermostat.”
I told him I can’t always drop everything, and he blew up, saying younger people owe the elderly their time.
Now here’s where the drama escalates:
My mom (70F) says I should keep helping because “someday you’ll be old and hope someone helps you.”
My sister (39F) told me I was cruel for setting boundaries.
My brother (44M) says Bill is manipulative and I need to stop.
My wife (40F) is furious because I keep missing dinners and family time to deal with Bill.
My cousin (36M) actually sided with Bill (!!) and told me I was “selfish” because I don’t have kids at home anymore, so I have “more free time.” I don’t am literally a nurse in their 40s
My friend (41M) says I should call social services or a senior support group instead of trying to do it all.
So now it’s me against half my family + Bill. Mom and my sister think I’m abandoning an old man who “has no one else.” My wife and brother are on my side that Bill is taking advantage. Cousin keeps guilt-tripping me.
I feel like I’m stuck if I keep helping, I’m drained and my marriage suffers. If I stop, I’m the “cold neighbor who turned his back on an old man.
So Reddit, AITA for refusing to keep being my 87M neighbor’s on-call helper, even though my family is pressuring me to cave in
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I (42M) live next door to “Bill” (87M). He’s been my neighbor for about 15 years, and for the past two I’ve been helping him out a lot: groceries, rides to appointments, fixing small things around his house.
Here’s the problem: Bill has started treating me like his personal caretaker. He calls at random hours for stuff that isn’t urgent (like moving his couch or resetting his router). Last month, he called me during my work meeting because he “couldn’t figure out his thermostat.”
I told him I can’t always drop everything, and he blew up, saying younger people owe the elderly their time.
Now here’s where the drama escalates:
My mom (70F) says I should keep helping because “someday you’ll be old and hope someone helps you.”
My sister (39F) told me I was cruel for setting boundaries.
My brother (44M) says Bill is manipulative and I need to stop.
My wife (40F) is furious because I keep missing dinners and family time to deal with Bill.
My cousin (36M) actually sided with Bill (!!) and told me I was “selfish” because I don’t have kids at home anymore, so I have “more free time.” I don’t am literally a nurse in their 40s
My friend (41M) says I should call social services or a senior support group instead of trying to do it all.
So now it’s me against half my family + Bill. Mom and my sister think I’m abandoning an old man who “has no one else.” My wife and brother are on my side that Bill is taking advantage. Cousin keeps guilt-tripping me.
I feel like I’m stuck if I keep helping, I’m drained and my marriage suffers. If I stop, I’m the “cold neighbor who turned his back on an old man.
So Reddit, AITA for refusing to keep being my 87M neighbor’s on-call helper, even though my family is pressuring me to cave in
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Oh I think am the asshole for disobeying my parents when I think I should have just toke matters into my own hands because bill keeps treating me as a slave and a maid I just help him we are kinda frienemys but and my family keeps arguing about this and I became sick
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Block his number.
NTA you aren’t abandoning the guy because he isn’t your responsibility. You owe him nothing. You e been kind and now his expectations are unreasonable. You need to tell him you can help but he needs to find other support. Your family can go everyone he calls if they want to be so judgmental. Seriously text them all every time he asks for help. Maybe then they’ll understand the demands put upon you.
NTA You’re overbilled.
All those opinions, well, you know what they say about them: they don’t all hold the same value. I woud pay most attention to those voiced by the person or persons most affected by the subject.
I wonder if you should call Adult Protective Services. It sounds like Bill is becoming unable to live at home and might need some professional help.
He’s lived in that same house for at least 15 years and now can’t figure out the thermostat? Does his family know that he is getting confused?
NTA
If you are keen on keeping helping, do it on your terms; create and communicate your schedule. Say you will check on him on X days and/or at X time of the day. If he calls outside of that time, don’t pick up even if you can. Call back at the time you said you would be available. Tell him that, if it’s an emergency, he can call your mom and your cousin, otherwise you will call/visit him at the times you said.
And if he starts going off at you because you didn’t pick up earlier, just say “I don’t have much time, but I want to check in on you. […] ok, if you have the time to be angry instead of talking or telling what you need, looking like you don’t need anything. Glad you’re ok. Gotta go now. Talk you at x, bye”
He keeps calling and demanding more because you keep picking up and dropping by. Stop and with time he will learn.
Edit: that said, I would limit check-ins to a couple times a week and taking his phone calls at very specific times. You can be more flexible later on, but be firm in the beginning
Stop trying to please everyone.
And every time Bill calls, tell him that X family member is more than happy to help out, and give him their number(s).
And yes, prioritize your wife. Don’t let Bill drive you to divorce just so he can cannibalize all your time. For God’s sake.
NTA your mom and sister are free to be at your neighbor’s beck and call since they are so very concerned about him!
Give your family’s numbers to Bill to call. Nta.
NTA – your mother is wrong. It is not your responsibility to become his personal caretaker. It’s one thing if it’s a favor once a month. This is too much and it’s now interfering with your work.
Your neighbor needs to consider right sizing into an independent senior living community where he can have access to people who can be his personal caretaker. That’s what these places are designed for, people who can still live independently or with some assistance and still want a fulfilling life. These places have its of activities and amenities.
To get there, you need to first start being polite but firm, and say sorry, but I don’t have time right now. When he calls, let it go to voicemail and respond in the evening. If he comes over and knocks, keep your doors locked, and don’t respond. You are working, that is your primary responsibility, not being his care taker.
Then eventually you need to have a conversation with him about maybe downsizing to an apartment in a senior community. Do a bit of googling to see the local ones and give him a few websites to check out. Explain, that you can help when you can, but it’s too much right now.
I would also suggest getting away for a week or two, work from somewhere else. Tell him you have a work trip and then go work from a friends house or from the local library.
You need to become unpredictable to him for errands. If he is cell phone literate, show him how to use uber for his appointments, and a grocery delivery app for his groceries.
For everyone who says you are being cruel. Forward his calls to them in future.
NTA, you were not born to please everyone, heck he’s not even your responsibility
I’m sure those familiar members doing the guilt trip are available to help whenever bill needs.
NTA. You’re not his friend or relative. You have no duty to help him. Since he now treats you like a servant, it’s time to cut him off completely.
You’re handling this badly. All these people who are insisting you help this guy need a touch of reality. Give their contact info to your neighbor and let him know these people are interested in helping him. Tell the people pushing you to help that you appreciate how charitable they feel. Let them know you’ve given their names to your neighbor to facilitate him getting their help.
NTA. If they feel so strongly, they should all give Bill their phone numbers so he has a phone tree for help and they can drop everything for him.
Your obligation is to your family (wife and kids) and work. It’s nice if when you’re already going to the grocery store, you go for him too. Or you set a day and time that you can help him (30 minutes per week for example). But you’re not obligated to do this.
Also, why does your extended family know enough to give you their opinions? Maybe keep stuff to yourself if they’re so judgmental.
NTA. Bill is not your responsibility. You can CHOOSE to help and how much.
>My wife (40F) is furious because I keep missing dinners and family time to deal with Bill.
This is the opinion that should matter most to you and it’s a bit odd that you listed this fourth on your list. Do you want to remain married? Do you respect your wife and family?
By the way, I think it’s fantastic that your mom, sister, and cousin have volunteered to help Bill out. Oh, they haven’t? Well, then eff their opinions. NTA.
NTA
Put your priority first and stand your ground. If they want to guilt trip you, you can tell them to set the examples by they help the neighbor first. No? Then shut up and stay out of it. If they keep on harrassing you, go no contact. You don’t need irritant in your life.
It’s great that you’ve been able to help him but now he’s taking advantage of you. There may be senior services in your area that he can tap into and if you can locate those for him that would be helpful. Other people’s opinions are not important and you don’t owe him anything. Have a conversation with him and tell him you will let him know when you can and can’t help him. If he doesn’t like it you apologize and walk away. Anyone who gives you crap needs to step up.
I’ve had experience in this area and his needs will only become greater. My situation was very different as my “old person” was kind and sweet, was always grateful for the time I gave her and always respected my time.
NTA
Give Bill the numbers of the half of the family that agrees with him. Sounds like they’re willing to pitch.
Tell Bill that being old doesn’t give him the right to be an entitled, disrespectful AH and that you owe him nothing. Being old doesn’t mean people owe you crap. And let him know that you’re blocking his number and are no longer available.
Nta. Damn if you damn I’d you don’t. Best to do what’s in your comfort zone and what makes you happy.
NTA. Your time is important.
Why are you discussing any of this with anyone other than your wife? Your relatives don’t need to know that much about the details of your life.
And good grief! You don’t need to obey your parents anymore.
Who cares what your family thinks? Since when do they get to vote on how you spend your time?
Or are you that co-dependent on them? If so, it’s way past time to sever those apron strings!
Grow up. Say no. Don’t answer if he calls at an inconvenient time. Tell him, point blank that you are not at his beck & call because you have to work and you have your own obligations. If he needs help, he is going to need to hire someone to help him.
If you feel like it, find out if he has kids. Then reach out to them. If he doesn’t or they don’t want to help him, then call Adult Protective Services. If he needs that much help to get through his day, he may not be safe staying in his home alone.
NTA
I would block Bill’s number. I would also call adult protective services. If Bill isn’t able to live independently and can’t figure out things like groceries, getting to appointments, and how to work the thermostat, it may be time for him to think about moving into assisted living. Do his kids live nearby? Maybe they need to check on him more often. Does he have the funds to hire someone to come by a few times a week and help with meal prep, groceries, getting to appointments, light housecleaning?
Right now, this is too much of a burden on you and your family, and if your siblings and parents are guilting you over that, I would suggest to them that they make up a schedule and go over to Bill’s house and take days they can help him out.
NTA –
It seems like Bill used to be appreciative and not a large drain on your time. Although aging does cause higher. We’d, this sounds more like loneliness or some senility cropping up? Or the pain and quiet of being elderly and at home alone if getting to him?
Has he changed meds recently? Where are his kids? Does he have a government insurance sponsored caretaker? He honestly should at his age.
I wonder if he’s been getting more agitated due to medical causes, but the end result is the same. You can’t afford to give him that much time while being a nurse and spouse – not to mention the other dozens of roles you play a part in every single day.
I would say get straight with yourself on what you will and won’t help your neighbor with, and under which conditions you will help. Tell him your general work hours and explain those are off limits. Same for dinner and family time. Now you have time blocked off and you can say, politely, that you are not available. Let him know you may not answer the phone during those hours. Hopefully this satisfies your wife.
Same for types of help you are available to do. For instance, maybe you like to drive him to appointments but not help with computers. Explain that kindly and stick by it. The words, “I’m afraid you need to find someone else to help with the router” are your friend.
The trick here is to decide your boundaries and then communicate them in a clear and kind way, and then to always follow through. I don’t think there are any AH here, just an old man who is more to be pitied than scorned, and you, a good neighbor who needs to step back and think about your limits thoughtfully and reasonably. Good luck!
Tell your mom and fam to go help if they’re so concerned.
Give him your Mom & sister’s numbers and next time, tell him to call them. They want to help, let them. Bill’s attempts to guilt trip you are disturbing, unless he has dementia?
Its the first rule in any emergency, you first see to your own safety before you help another.
Just tell everyone that you are starting a group text cause you haven’t been feeling well, ( even though it’s mentally, it’s still the truth) When he calls, tell him you are forwarding it to the group since you have plans tonight.
6:30/ Bill needs his garage checked -who’s going over tonight?
Bill needs a ride to dentist Tuesday st 2 who is gonna take him ?
Bill wants a ride to get groceries- Sue you said you were going Saturday/ what time could you pick him up? Wife made us dinner plans, mom, can you stop over and see what he’d like? I used to have a problem with saying no and was seriously taking advantage of. Then I heard someone say if it’s not important to your kids and it’s not important to you or your spouse, then say no. So, if you have nothing going on and you don’t mind say OK otherwise I would put it on the group text and tell Bill that’s what you are doing. Takers hate when givers stop bending to their will. it’s pretty sad getting old, but that doesn’t give you the right to take advantage of givers. I’m sure it’s hard when it’s a neighbor because you’re right there next to them. I would rather move to a different home than lose my marriage because of it. you could always call adult protective services. They might possibly find some programs that could really help him., but if he’s forced into a nursing home, he may never forgive you.
NTA. This was a classic ‘give an inch and they take a mile’ situation. Bill is not your responsibility. He was never your responsibility. You were helping him out of the goodness of your heart and he was using and taking advantage of you. Give Bill the contact info of all the family members who think you are in the wrong and tell them that you are so happy that they have volunteered their time and resources to be on demand help for all of Bills needs.
NTA. It’s always nice to help others when you can but when they start having an expectation of said help that’s the problem. For those who think you’re being an AH they could offer their own support to him if they’d like.
Bill can call a handyman or the Mormon missionaries for help. You have a personal life. It’s time for boundaries. If he’s getting verbally abusive, he doesn’t care about you, he’s using you. Plus, you’ve already built enough good karma being his servant. No need to continue.
I would say you’ve done your stint. I have parents the same age as Bill and I do help them and I have observed they have lost several “levels” of cognizance and it has affected their behaviour and reactions. My brother and I are able to look after them in their home for now, but that will obviously change. It sounds like Bill requires a greater level of care. You are not responsible for this. Well done to you for doing what you have.
NTA Your wife’s opinion is the only one that matters. You are missing family time to help someone else. That’s not acceptable. Why are you even discussing it with your extended family? It’s none of their business.
Tell your mother, sister, brother, etc., to go help him, or shut the fuck up.
IF your mum and sister and cousin think you should waste your time helping him why don’t they fucking do it.