2 weeks ago she had a major stroke, she was independent before this, lived on her own etc.
I was out of the house for a couple of days and didn’t see her, the whole time I didn’t know it but she was on the floor alone having a stroke, they found her 2 days later when she was almost dead, neighbors didn’t hear from her and called emergency services. If i had been there and found her earlier, she might have had a chance I feel guilty..
Since it was too late to get her quicker treatment, her right side is totally not moving, she is non verbal, she doesn’t talk just makes some sounds, can’t swallow right so they put a feeding tube in her stomach, the doctors say she may not even understand language either (left side of the brain stroke, that side controls speech) which scares the hell out of me…
I know this sounds evil but, I’m happy shes still with me but… I’m grieving the mother I had, almost feel it would have been easier on me if she passed? I wish I could hear her talk again, just thinking about seeing her in a nursing home for the rest of her life and her never talking again and being on a feeding tube is scaring me so much I don’t even want to go visit her I get ptsd every time I do….
Am i a bad person for this? I just stay in my room and think about what I could have done, how the nursing home is treating my mom, the fact that she may never talk again and probably doesnt understand language… its like a bad nightmare that keeps going on
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2 weeks ago she had a major stroke, she was independent before this, lived on her own etc.
I was out of the house for a couple of days and didn’t see her, the whole time I didn’t know it but she was on the floor alone having a stroke, they found her 2 days later when she was almost dead, neighbors didn’t hear from her and called emergency services. If i had been there and found her earlier, she might have had a chance I feel guilty..
Since it was too late to get her quicker treatment, her right side is totally not moving, she is non verbal, she doesn’t talk just makes some sounds, can’t swallow right so they put a feeding tube in her stomach, the doctors say she may not even understand language either (left side of the brain stroke, that side controls speech) which scares the hell out of me…
I know this sounds evil but, I’m happy shes still with me but… I’m grieving the mother I had, almost feel it would have been easier on me if she passed? I wish I could hear her talk again, just thinking about seeing her in a nursing home for the rest of her life and her never talking again and being on a feeding tube is scaring me so much I don’t even want to go visit her I get ptsd every time I do….
Am i a bad person for this? I just stay in my room and think about what I could have done, how the nursing home is treating my mom, the fact that she may never talk again and probably doesnt understand language… its like a bad nightmare that keeps going on
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> action i took is wishing my mom was dead and didnt survive of course.. might make me an asshole because what daughter would want their mother dead
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
No you are not evil. You are thinking of your mother as well as yourself. I think it is natural to have these thoughts. I remember having them for my father – for his sake- when he was very weak already with an incurable condition, and about to undergo a major operation.
But there have been amazing advances in rehabilitation and it might surprise you how much your mother’s life may improve.
Blessings on your mother and you.
NTA
This sub isn’t the place to ask.
See if you can find a group either on here on in person that supports people in your position.
Personally I understand what you are saying. But you need support, not judgement.
NTA. I am so sorry for what happened. It is heartbreaking. You are not a bad person, you are human. It is natural to grieve the consequences and wish for an easier outcome for both of you. It’s part of the process.
What is also part of the process is service. Your mom is in a nursing home, in a strange environment, impaired, likely disoriented, trapped in her body and scared if she can recognize her environment. It might be sad and scary to you to see her there, but she needs you coming. And you need ir as well or your decision to not go will haunt you later.
We have a picture of our parents being a force of nature and it’s heartbreaking to have it destroyed. But we need to love them and care for them even more when they are helpless. Just as they did for us.
Hugs to you.
NTA. Your emotions are natural; You’re grieving for the person your mum once was, and you don’t want her to suffer- because you love her.
Hingsight is a curse- Even if you had been at home, she wouldn’t have necessarily been in any better shape than she is now- stop blaming yourself, OP.
this is why it is so important to have serious thought and conversations about what you want if you are ever in this situation.
My husband and I, and my mother, too…we’ve all talked about this. We have told each other (all three of us) to not worry about visits if we end up in hospice and can’t understand anymore. We all know what is the point of no return in medical care, too.
There are lists you can find online that talk about specifics: feeding tubes, vents, all the nitty gritty details. Having this filled out can take so much pressure off the rest of your family.
That PSA out of the way: NTA
my dad was in memory care and never really recognized me except as a visitor. I understand how hard this is. I really do and I’m so sorry you have to go through this
Very sad. Keep hanging on. Make sure she’s kind of upright so less aspiration risk. She may not understand language but maybe music and maybe holding her hand. If you continue to care and visit, you are NTA.
You need to seek therapy 😞
You are in no way a bad person for this.
Grieving for the person you had is normal in situations like this.
There is no judgement from me here, just my condolences and encouragement that you seek the support you need for your health and wellbeing as well as to decide what is best going forward for your mother.
I worked in hospice care for the first 8 years of my adulthood with dozens of stroke survivors. This is so, so common and you should not beat yourself up about it, but you SHOULD talk to someone who isn’t on reddit. There are elder care support groups and therapists that specialize in this kind of thing.
Wow no words
NTA. You are processing a loss even if your mother is still alive. You will be able to see joy in small progress when your mother will work through rehab even if she likely will not return to full function, but right now you’re processing a fresh, massive change, that turned you into a caretaker from one day to the next. The main advice, if you are seeking any, would be that you should seek therapy, so you can stay on top of your mental health in this difficult time and be able to show up for your mother from the best possible headspace.
NTA
NTA, at all.
As a nurse, you know what you’re feeling is relatable. A lot of people would feel the exact same way. Take some time away from work if you need to. Take some time to have a pity party. (They’re helpful when you need to feel your feelings.) And then boss up and handle it, like you know you can. You are a nurse. You are a professional. You are qualified to understand the situation and make decisions. You need to go in and evaluate her yourself, see how much of her is still there. Sign a DNR if you feel that’s in line with her wishes. She is your most important patient, and you will not fail her.
You can handle this. Lean on your support system. Find out what kind of benefits your employer offers in terms of leave, counseling, employee assistance plan, etc.
You are soooooo NTA. You and your mom have been dealt a really rough deck of cards. It is completely understandable to feel the way you do, and anyone who has been in your shoes knows that.
Take care of you first, and remember that you can do hard things. I’ll be praying for you/sending you positive energy. ❤️
NTA. Being absent when she had a stroke is not your fault. It’s also natural to feel like death would be better than suffering. You are in the early stages of grief, which is also normal. It’s very hard to watch a parent suffer and decline. Do the best you can to make sure she gets the care she needs and get therapy for yourself so you can deal with your grief and make the best decisions for her.
NTA – my father had a stroke with a similar outcome but lived for five more years – I would not wish those years on my worst enemy
NTA. It is not your fault for being away. Things happen.
It is very understandable and natural that you feel this way. The mom you had is likely gone and now you have someone that looks like her, but is not her. It would be easier if she was completely gone. Devastating for sure, but less complicated. Mixed feelings are absolutely normal here.
If she does not understand speech, you can still find a way how to comunicate through pictures, gestures, etc. You being there and holding her hand and talking to her will make a difference for her. She may not understand language, but she will still pick up on the tone of your voice, your face expressions, body language etc.
Maybe bring her a family fotoalbum, or show her some pictutes of the two of you to see when she lights up with the memories.