My husband (34M) and I (31F) have been married for 6 years. He served two tours overseas and has been out for 4 years now. He’s doing well; he has a good job, we’re happy, and although he has some PTSD, he manages it responsibly with therapy.
My sister Brynn (28F) is getting married in two months. Last week, she called and asked if my husband could skip the wedding. Her fiancé’s mother saw him at a family dinner and later told Brynn she feels “uncomfortable around military people” because her ex-husband was abusive and served in the Marines 30 years ago.
I told Brynn that was absurd and hurtful. My husband has always been kind to everyone. She said she understands, but keeping peace with her future mother-in-law is important and “it’s just one day.” She suggested I come alone and my husband would “understand it’s not personal.”
I said if my husband isn’t welcome, I’m not coming either. Now my parents are furious, saying I’m being selfish and ruining Brynn’s big day over “politics.” My brother thinks I’m overreacting and that one event isn’t worth the family drama.
Brynn texted me saying she’s hurt I’m “choosing sides” and making her wedding about me. She said she’s already stressed enough without me adding to it. Am I the asshole for refusing to go?
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My husband (34M) and I (31F) have been married for 6 years. He served two tours overseas and has been out for 4 years now. He’s doing well; he has a good job, we’re happy, and although he has some PTSD, he manages it responsibly with therapy.
My sister Brynn (28F) is getting married in two months. Last week, she called and asked if my husband could skip the wedding. Her fiancé’s mother saw him at a family dinner and later told Brynn she feels “uncomfortable around military people” because her ex-husband was abusive and served in the Marines 30 years ago.
I told Brynn that was absurd and hurtful. My husband has always been kind to everyone. She said she understands, but keeping peace with her future mother-in-law is important and “it’s just one day.” She suggested I come alone and my husband would “understand it’s not personal.”
I said if my husband isn’t welcome, I’m not coming either. Now my parents are furious, saying I’m being selfish and ruining Brynn’s big day over “politics.” My brother thinks I’m overreacting and that one event isn’t worth the family drama.
Brynn texted me saying she’s hurt I’m “choosing sides” and making her wedding about me. She said she’s already stressed enough without me adding to it. Am I the asshole for refusing to go?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may be the asshole for making my sister’s wedding about my pride instead of focusing on her special day. She’s trying to please her future mother-in-law to avoid family conflict before the marriage even begins, and I’m forcing her to choose between us. My husband might truly understand that it’s not personal and be fine with skipping one event. By refusing to attend, I could be ruining her wedding, creating a big family rift, and adding extra stress to what should be a joyful time. Maybe I should just go alone and deal with the issue with the mother-in-law after the wedding instead of turning this into a big drama right now.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. You are choosing a side. Your marriage.
NTA — Your husband is part of her family too. You chose him to build your life with. What kind of signal does it send to your husband if you “abandon” him because someone feels uncomfortable? So you showed loyalty, and a marriage needs that.
If it’s so important for your sister, she could just sit your fiancé’s mother and you on an entirely different site.
She’s choosing a side too. She’s choosing the MIL over her sister and brother-in-law.
NTA – I don’t understand, is he planning to wear his uniform to the ceremony?
So much for thank you for your service. NTA don’t go have a nice day with your husband instead
NTA she made the wedding about you once she came with this ridiculous request. Stay home and take that lovely Veteran husband ( thank him for me) some where he enjoys on that day.
MIL needs some therapy and your sister is probably in for more trouble than she knows if it’s starting off like this.
Ah – more family thinking that OP is over-reacting…
NTA. Ask you parents WHY your husband is not seen as family after 6 years?
You are doing the right thing and choosing family and they should remember it just one day, you wont be with you old family and according to them, just one day is OK.
Absolutely NTA, do not give in.
Unless this wedding is <20 people and set up like a speed dating event there’s no reason for the MIL to interact with your husband if she doesn’t want to.
Whereas in future your sister may want to host a a family event (for example a child’s birthday party) and the issue will arise again but in a smaller population.
Either the MIL gets over it or (more likely if you give in now) your husband will be pressured to stay at home. This is the time to nip it in the bud.
And of course you should choose your husband over your sister’s soon to be MIL.
NTA; your husband being uninvited because he’s a veteran IS personal. You’re making the right choice in not going.
NTA tell her you’re uncomfortable around intolerant people.
NTA
It’s ironic that you’re being reprimanded for “choosing sides” when that is exactly what Brynn did. She chose her mother-in-law over her sister and brother-in-law.
Imagine if the MIL was uncomfortable around black people. Or disable people. or Muslims. Would they ban anyone else from the wedding for those reasons and think it’d go over well?
Why are you choosing sides? He is your husband.
Also why aren’t people putting pressure on the the future MIL? Her ex was in the military but he was also a man. Why doesn’t she want all men banned from the wedding? She needs to get into therapy to deal with this.
Your family should be supporting you on this.
You’re not the villain here. Your sister is prioritizing her future mother-in-law’s comfort over family loyalty and respect. Supporting your husband is essential, especially after what he’s been through. It’s absurd to ask you to choose between family and your partner. Stand firm in your decision; it speaks volumes about your values. Family should be more supportive than this. Don’t let them manipulate you into feeling guilty.
NTA, it’s not about choosing sides, it’s about standing by your life partner, something that people in a strong relationship do.
Will he have to skip all future family events that FMIL attends too?
Are there other veterans on the guest list? Are they excluded too?
I wonder if her fiancé realizes that she will put the family before him? I also wonder how FMIL manages in the big wide world when encountering veterans.
NAH. Difficult decision, I can understand your decision but I can understand your sister wanting to please her MIL as well. Did you talk with you husband whether he really wants to attend the wedding? If he would be fine with skipping it and understands that it’s nothing personal, this seems like the easiest solution
Your Primary family is your husband. Well done for sticking by him !
It isn’t going to be just the wedding. If MIL can demand the BIL not attend the wedding, she is going to make the same demands fir any other joint family get-together. The future MIL needs to see not all military people are abusive. NTA.