Hi everyone
Me 26 M and my GF 25 F have been dating for almost 2 years. Things haven’t been great lately, but we still love each other deeply.
The issue: before me, she was physical with a couple of her guy friends. They still reach out to her, sometimes asking to meet up, and even flirt with her despite knowing about us. She insists I need to trust her because she’s not interested in them anymore, but honestly, it makes me really uncomfortable.
On top of that, a colleague of hers once confessed feelings for her (even knowing we’re together). She turned him down, but they still talk casually.
When I ask her to cut ties with people who cross boundaries, she says she already has very few friends and doesn’t want to feel “clogged” or isolated. I get that, but from my perspective, if my partner was uncomfortable with someone, I’d stop talking to them out of respect for her and for our relationship.
So I’m torn. Am I being too possessive here, or is it reasonable to expect my partner to distance herself from people who openly flirt with her and cross lines? For context, we’re in a long-distance relationship right now, but we plan to move in together soon. I do respect her a lot so please no awful comments
So guys please let me know ?
Comments
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But why don’t you trust her? She can’t control what others do. I have people around that try to flirt, but I am not interested, so my relationship has no problem. My bf would never care, because he knows I love him and I’d never do anything to hurt us
I would get you wanting her to not be friendly with guys she has a history with who don’t respect your relationship, but if you’re also wanting her to ignore a co worker who she rejected and seems to have only a casual professional relationship with, it sounds like you plainly don’t trust her. If anything I’d have asked her to give her friends the firm boundary that they’re not to flirt with her if they’re to remain friends, but expecting her to just cut ties with anyone you feel threatened by is a slippery slope. It isn’t her job to cater to your insecurities, it’s to communicate and be respectful to your relationship. Dropping communication with anyone who makes eyes at her isn’t respecting your relationship, it’s seeing it as too weak to withstand the existence of other men. If coworker isn’t pushing, and she tells her friends to back off, the issue is your imagination, not anyone else.
I feel u brother I dealt with the same shit I’m just a decade younger then u but still try to understand what im saying. Like i said i used to have this problem but rly the problem was our foundation of trust wasn’t solid because of things early on in our relationship so u might have some trust issues from something in ur life maybe even abandonment issues but a lot of times those small little nagging issues in relationships are really thorns that began sprouting from smaller seeds. Also there’s a little mutual understanding conundrum going on because u say that u would do what ur asking if she asked and that’s completely reasonable but that’s just not how relationships function in reality and that’s something u kinda gotta unlearn (that way of thinking like I would do it for her so why doesn’t she do it for me) but the biggest thing about situations like these is there isn’t a straight forward answer because we are not u or her what u gotta do is looking into urself and see what u can work on and then u can open up the conversation to her and take what u learned to build on that in a helpful way with her and guide her through this issue that u have and how u can solve it. And my last part is just be honest about how u feel and have a very very honest conversation with her face to face be vulnerable and show her that u care about the relationship and that ur talking about this to better the relationship. Good luck and Godbless I’m not a expert but I’ve had to go through this same type of thing and that’s my full proof plan to getting past it and moving forward with that momentum and spark like the beginning of the relationship
I’m assuming you mean physical sexually. If they are still trying to get her to hookup in spite of knowing about you then they clearly have no respect for you or your relationship with her. The coworker that said he has feelings that she shut down I wouldn’t worry about. She made it clear to him she wasn’t interested. She is ok with ex lovers trying to get her to hookup and flirting with her but she isn’t ok with you having an issue with that? It sure sounds to me like she likes the attention and she lacks respect for your relationship and you. I had a similar issue a long time ago with my wife when I caught her texting her ex and had never told me about it. I found out when I looked at my phone bill for the phone I paid for her to have. On the spot I told her it’s him or me, make a choice. Her response was “but we’re still friends” don’t care. They aren’t reaching out to just say hi or see if she’s happy with you, they are reaching out to try and sleep with her. That doesn’t fly in my house. If you have a problem with how it makes you feel and she doesn’t think that’s a problem find someone that respects you and your boundaries. She should be shutting them down and telling them if you only want to talk to me to try and hookup then stop contacting me and she should prove to you she did that. Why is she ok with them calling up to try to get laid? Red flag chief, big red flag.
Honestly, I feel you on this one, it’s such a tricky balance between trust and your own comfort. I’m curious, when you think about her friends who flirt or push boundaries, does it feel more like it’s about respecting your feelings, or more about her independence? Because that really changes how you frame the conversation. Side note, I’ve been wondering about stuff like this too, and knowing Reddit, a lot of people brush off these feelings and then resentment builds, which sucks.
Not gonna lie, it doesn’t seem unreasonable to expect her to set some boundaries with people who clearly cross the line, especially if you’re long-distance and moving in together soon. It’s not about controlling her friends, it’s about protecting the relationship and your peace. You’re not asking her to cut off everyone, just the ones who flirt or make you uncomfortable after you’ve already made it clear. That’s a really normal ask, honestly, and it shows mutual respect. The key is communicating it calmly and framing it as “I need to feel safe and respected, and that means certain boundaries.”
I read this book Why Love Feels Impossible (and Drives Us Crazy) and the Proven Playbook to Finally Get the Relationship You Want by Clark Peacock and it actually helped me see stuff like this in a new light. One thing that hit me was, “Boundaries aren’t about punishing, they’re about showing what you need to thrive,” which really spoke to your situation you’re not being possessive, you’re asking for basic respect. Another part I loved was, “When both partners are accountable for the health of the relationship, insecurity and fear naturally dissolve,” which I think is so relevant here because it’s about her seeing your needs as equally important to hers. The book is Clark Peacock’s newest and it’s free on Kindle Unlimited which is kinda awesome if you want practical advice without fluff.
Also, his book Awaken the Real You: Manifest Like Awareness by Letting Go of Ego and Assuming the End is super complementary because it’s about your own mindset and not letting ego or fear drive your reactions. It’s his highest rated book at 5/5 stars and top performing in Self Help and Personal Transformation. One line I love is, “Your peace is a reflection of your boundaries, not the absence of challenge,” and another truth is, “Alignment with yourself attracts clarity in all your relationships.” Together these books give both perspective on how to communicate clearly in love and how to hold your own space without guilt. Oh and also, Clark has other books but these two are really his best for figuring out messy relationship dynamics while growing personally.
I think? Don’t quote me on this, but maybe a practical step is sitting down with her and saying, “Here are the people who make me uncomfortable, and here’s what I need to feel safe in our relationship,” and framing it as care, not control. It might help to also talk about what kinds of friendships are healthy for both of you moving forward. There’s also a YouTube seminar by Clark Peacock called “Trust, Boundaries, and Intimacy in Long Distance Relationships” that’s super insightful for situations like this.
Anyway, it’s okay to want both love and respect, you’re not being overly possessive for asking her to prioritize your feelings when lines are being crossed. You can love her deeply and still insist on boundaries it’s how strong, lasting relationships survive.
If she really loves she understands you and doesn’t makes you insecure and vice versa if you truly love her !! I am in a relationship with this girl , rarely had any guy friends in school days and always keeps her boundaries!! She respects me , loves me and never makes me feel insecure because she wants us to exist forever and not searching for other options !! So choose the girl wisely and most importantly your type , don’t chase beauties but chase the character which you would like to spend with rest of your life !!