I (32F) have known I’m a lesbian for a while, but my family still struggles to accept it. I’ve tried to be patient, explaining myself, having honest conversations, and sharing what being in a same-sex relationship means to me.
Despite all that, they make comments that invalidate me (“It’s just a phase,” “You’ll change your mind,” “Why can’t you just be normal?”). They rarely ask about my partner or acknowledge my relationships in a positive way. It’s hurtful, and I feel like I’m constantly walking on eggshells around them.
I love my family and want a good relationship with them, but I can’t stop feeling frustrated and sad. I’ve started avoiding certain topics or spending less time with them, which makes me feel guilty.
I just want to be seen and accepted for who I am. AITA for being upset and frustrated that they won’t accept me?
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I (32F) have known I’m a lesbian for a while, but my family still struggles to accept it. I’ve tried to be patient, explaining myself, having honest conversations, and sharing what being in a same-sex relationship means to me.
Despite all that, they make comments that invalidate me (“It’s just a phase,” “You’ll change your mind,” “Why can’t you just be normal?”). They rarely ask about my partner or acknowledge my relationships in a positive way. It’s hurtful, and I feel like I’m constantly walking on eggshells around them.
I love my family and want a good relationship with them, but I can’t stop feeling frustrated and sad. I’ve started avoiding certain topics or spending less time with them, which makes me feel guilty.
I just want to be seen and accepted for who I am. AITA for being upset and frustrated that they won’t accept me?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action I took that should be judged is that I left a family dinner early and have been avoiding visits and calls because my family repeatedly makes dismissive or invalidating comments about my sexuality.
This action might make me the asshole because some people could see it as cutting off my family or being “cold” instead of trying harder to maintain family harmony, even though I feel it’s necessary for my mental health.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA
I’m going to be blunt here. Your family are horrible people if they can’t accept a fundamental part of yourself and don’t sound like they ever will. Go on and live your best life!
It’s time to cut them off sis
NTA. If they can’t adjust to who you are or understand then that is their problem, not yours.
I’m sorry your family is not accepting.
Sometimes low or no contact is the best way.
Go find your chosen family in the world. They will accept, cherish, and celebrate you and your partner.
start getting mad at them for being straight /s
but seriously no youre not the asshole here. they are.
NTA.
They’re homophobes. Those things that invalidate you, that’s basically the first page of the homophobe playbook.
Stop engaging with them. Tell them you’re not cutting them off yet, but from now on, any “it’s a phase” type interactions will end the interaction. If it’s a call, it ends (no goodbye, just end), if you’re there, you walk away. Make it very cery clear that this is last chance.
And if they can’t accept it, then they’re not family anymore and you’ll be done with them.
Because to be clear, if they’re saying that shit to you, you don’t have a good relationship. You have one where it’s one sided – you care, they don’t.
YTA… To yourself (and your partner).
Cut them off.
NTA
Most parents don’t want to know in-depth details about their kids relationships. What exactly are you sharing?
I’m sorry that you want a relationship with them that they don’t want with you. It’s common, but it hurts nonetheless.
NTA
The way I see it, self acceptance is more important than your family’s acceptance. I also think that having an accepting friends’ group is more important than having an accepting family group.
I spent all of my childhood and a good chunk of my adulthood trying to earn my mother’s acceptance. (My father is deceased, so his acceptance isn’t important.) At some point, I realized that I could do every single thing that my mother ever asked/told/wanted me to do, and she’d still find things to criticize me about, and so I might as well do what I want, and if what I do upsets my mother, well, that’s her problem, and not mind.
As for the rest of my family, I don’t have much of a relationship with them, so their acceptance of my life isn’t important to me either.
For context, I’m straight, and I just turned 40 this year, and I don’t live at home with my Mom, so it’s easy for me to keep her on an information diet, and only tell her what I think she needs to know, so take what I say with a grain of salt.
I’m so sorry that you don’t have the family acceptance that you hope for. Can I ask how long you’ve been out to them? Are they religious at all?
If you’ve been out to them for a year or less, I would suggest persevere with them. I suppose you’ve already shared resources for parents when their children come out? If so, how did they react?
If you’ve been out for more than a year, and they deny your orientation and don’t accept a partner, then you may need to consider stepping back from them for a while.
Is this just your parents? Do you have extended family? How do they react?
You are NTA for how you feel.
Also NTA for leaving a family dinner and refusing calls. You have to protect yourself.
Everybody wants their parents to accept and love them, we’re hardwired for this. Its so hard to deconstruct that relationship and be ready to cut ties. Or at least find a way to love them without seeking their approval/validation/acceptance.
You have 2 options here. 1 – just cut them off and move on with your life. 2 -tell them that they need to accept you for who you are or you will cut them off and go no contact with them.
You have to be happy and part of that is being around people who accept you for who you are. Your family doesn’t do this so you have to make a change so you can live your life and be happy. Might be a good time to realize that sometimes family is what you make and not necessarily what you were born with. Make your own family if you have to.
Jeez, why can’t people just embrace someone’s happiness!? Your love life is really no one’s business but yours. You can’t change people so stop trying. Just enjoy your life and do not be afraid to live the life that makes YOU happy. Read the Let Them Theory and enjoy your life. Best to you
NTA at ALL
I’m non binary and bisexual. My sister is trans. My cousin is gay.
My grandparents on my mums side used to think a bit old fashioned. They’re 80 after all. But when they got told of all of our stuff? The ONLY thing they responded with is “you be you. We love you. Tell us if we say something wrong”.
If 80 year olds can be respectful and learn, your family are just not respecting you enough to even TRY.
It’s so sad. And I’m so sorry. But go very low contact and tell them why unless they change. Your mental health will feel much better.
ESH. Them for being bigots and infantalizing a full grown adult.
But you….you suck for torturing yourself like this. You are in pain every time they say things like that to you. And then you go back and get some more!! Please. Stop hurting yourself. Go find a real family. Your family is the group of people who love and accept you no matter what – who will be there for you when you fall on hard times and who you want to lift up when they fall low. Surround yourself with love. Because until then, you are being an asshole to yourself.
NTA – absolutely not the asshole for being true to yourself. Unfortunately whether it be friends or family, some people will never accept you for that and there is nothing you can do to change them and their views. Hopefully your family can move beyond their views and become accepting of you and your sexuality.
> I love my family and want a good relationship with them
Family are the people who have mutual love, care, and respect for each other. These people might be your genetic relatives, but they have clearly shown they are not your family. They sound like bigots, honestly. Is there a particular reason you want a good relationship with bigots? Is that an association you want to have?
NTA, clearly they are. But… “you are the company you keep.” I think you should maintain a distance from these people until such time they can show you the support and love actual family should provide.
NTA
But they don’t love you and they don’t want a relationship with you, the real you. Get therapy, work out what you need from them, if anything, and move forward.
Your family needs to accept you for who you are. I will not suggest going no contact but would suggest telling them to accept you and your spouse or you will severely limit contact with them. At the same time, you don’t need to overshare details of your relationship with your SO. All they need to know is you love that person and will defend that person. Keep the rest to yourself and if they overshare their hetro relationships tell them you don’t want to hear about it.
It’s so painful to realize your family doesn’t recognize and celebrate your basic humanity. NTA
NTA! How could you be for being truthful, patient and honest?
NTA – I would suggest therapy to help you work through this. Your family are rejecting and infantilising you and I think you need to work out whether or how you want to keep them in your life when they persist in denying what you are telling them.
Ask them to describe their sexual desires to you and explain them.
NTA obviously
You are 32 and they still go with “It’s just a phase”? they sound in denial…
You are under no obligation to spend time with them if they act like that.
Are your partners parents accepting?
Hopefully yes, and that would mean you just need to spend more time with them. At the same time you probably should spend the time less time with your family. Make it clear to them, this is not a phase and as they’re not accepting and respectful, then you are working on evolving your real life without them and that any important life milestones will be celebrated without them. And then stick by it.
Sorry but that’s the only way if you’ve exhausted the other options.
NTA! Your family are TA’s. You are normal, there is nothing wrong with you at all. You love another person and are in a relationship with them. Your “Family” are backwardly thinking idiots, they will not change.
Both of my daughters are gay and married women. One has an 11 month old baby girl and my other daughter is expecting her son any day now. They are so happy in their lives and as a parent, that’s all I’ve ever wanted for my children. Happiness and contentment. It never bothered me. I truly couldn’t be happier for them and our family. I’ve gained two daughters-in-law along with my girls and grand babies. Now that’s a family! I’m truly so sorry for you and noooooo YOU ARE NTA!!! Live your life. Love your life. Stay strong and sending you hopes and hugs ♥️
NTA stop explaining yourself to them, they have all the info they need. when they say something homophobic, you say “i don’t like that” and when they argue, you leave. either they’ll adjust or they won’t but you’re being far too understanding w their faux-curiosity nonsense
Start doing it back to them
Make them some food you know they don’t like, when they say they don’t like it say “oh it’s just a phase, if you give it a try I’m sure you would like it!” and “why can’t you just be normal!?”
When they come at you with “don’t talk to me like this” you hit them back with “this is how you treat me, this is how I treat you 🤷♀️”
NTA you give the respect that is given you
You have prioritized your self worth to the level of acceptance you receive for being a lesbian and you want others to acknowledge that. That’s a sensitive topic in todays society and personally I don’t care who someone loves or sleeps with, but the generation of our parents, not so much. The older we get, the less accepting of new ideas people tend to be. The idea of a child being gay isn’t very acceptable to many people who want their kids to have ‘traditional’ families. It’s just how they think and they are unlikely to change. You want your partner and lifestyle to be accepted as does everyone. So perhaps you could ask your family to do some counseling with you to better understand your feelings and how it affects you, as well as you understanding their point of view. But it will be a difficult road to travel. Good luck, NTA.
This breaks my heart. My daughter is also a lesbian and I’ll never understand why anyone else would care! She’s still the exact same person and regardless of who she’s attracted to I just want her to be happy and for her to be in a healthy relationship. I’m so sorry your family is being like this! You shouldn’t feel guilty for backing off from them, because they’re the ones being completely wrong, not you!
You are 32 years old. You know you’re not the asshole
NTA
What would make you the AH
NTA at all. You know who you are, and if your family can’t accept that, then they don’t know how to love their own child. And we talk so much about found family in the queer community, and that is a very real source of support, but it’s also natural to feel the loss of the relationship you thought you had with your family of origin. Only you know how capable they are of change – do they have religious or other factors entrenching their point of view? And what are your boundaries if they won’t change?
I’m so sorry this is really sad. It’s so important to have the people we love accept us for who we are, and they are not doing that. You are in no way TA. You’re perfectly within your right to grieve what you had hoped for, that they would be able to accept this.
Whether you continue a connection with them or not is up to you, but please make sure you have a space to take care of yourself in all of this. Whether that is therapy, a community or otherwise it’s so important, especially when your family can’t accept your sexuality.
NTA.
It’s 2025, sexual orientation being hard-wired has been known for most of a century now.
You can’t not be attracted to who you are attracted to any more than I can quit being a pasty ginger who spontaneously combusts on a bright summer day.
Simultaneously with that, OP, I would strongly suggest meeting with a therapist to help you cope with your parents’ rejection and maybe help you get to a mental place where you don’t feel you need their acceptance as much. If your parents were gonna change for you, they would’ve by now. My therapist was fantastic for helping me learn to make peace with my parents’ inability to accept certain parts of me.
No, you are not the asshole. Not even for doing this to yourself. Because it is normal this makes you sad and confused. Maybe you grew up with these people telling you you are perfect the way you are. Now, these same people tell you you are not because you want to be who you are.
However, you do need to get thi gs in order now because this makes you unhappy and no one has the right to make you feel that way. You have no right to let this continuously happen to you. And your partner because in time this will create troubles between you two also.
So tep it up, go to your family (or message them) and tell them that from now on they either act normal amd accept you and her or they won’t see you anymore. If not, take your loss and be happy with your beloved. You have the right to. ❤️
NTA but you know that yourself. You’re probably here for someone to tell you to stop trying with them.
Not saying go no contact or anything, but it’s time you step up for yourself (and your girl) and don’t allow that disrespect anymore. Set boundaries.
If they say anything slightly negative about your sexuality, even as a joke, walk away. Stop replying. Hang up on them. Completely stop engaging with them. Make sure they know you’re one step away from leaving them behind if they don’t adapt.
If that doesn’t work, go a step further. Say you need to start putting yourself first and can’t deal with people who don’t accept and support you anymore. And then follow through with it. NC for some weeks or months. If you feel like trying again, try again. If you enjoy your life more without their criticism, then stay NC. It’s your life after all. Do what’s best for yourself.
I think they will come around (at least to your face) with a firm demand of respecting who you are. Some families are still showing up late to the sexual freedom game, never mind acknowledging women as capable of getting a loan, etc.
I feel like a good rule for this sub would be “you’re never an asshole for having feelings, you can only be an asshole for how you ACT on those feelings”
You’re not treating your family poorly, you’re pulling away because they’re treating you like crap. You’re NTA for protecting yourself. They’re homophobic and it’s incredibly shitty of them to keep devaluing your partners/relationships and denying your identity.
If you want to actually talk to them, set a boundary like this: “Hey listen, if you keep telling me that being a lesbian is a phase/invalidating my identity/relationships I will end the conversation and leave. You can keep those thoughts to yourself if you want to keep having a relationship with me.” And then actually enforce it.
Tell them the consequences that will happen if they keep disrespecting you, then follow through. Hang up the phone, leave the room, cancel a meetup with them, whatever it may be, but stop letting them treat you like this and blaming yourself for being upset about it!
You can love them and keep them at arms length for your own sanity! Stop putting up with their bullshit just for the sake of keeping them around.
NTA
At 32, you know your sexual preference. You have to let them go if they can’t accept you.
This is a problem outside of yourself. The only thing I can recommend to help you feel seen and accepted for who you are is therapy. A good therapist will be able to help you figure out how to
release your feelings around your family.
*Edited to include verdict
Stop asking others to validate your sexual preference Enjoy your life to the full and to hell with what others think
You are totally right to be upset about the situation. But you are totally wrong in wanting them to accept you for what you are and feeling guilty all the time. That sucks. If you keep seeing them, it cannot hurt to think of clever retorts to their unfeeling comments. It is just a phase ? ‘it has been a phase for 32 years’. You’ll change your mind ? ‘I have not changed my mind for 32 years, it is unlikely to happen soon’. Why can’t you be normal ? ‘8% of the population is my exact kind of normal’. Etc. etc. It will not solve the issue but will bring back some power to you.
Good luck, OP, all the best to you !
NTA.
But maybe, try sharing your feelings about this with your family. If they aren’t receptive, I don’t expect that there is much more you can do except wait for them to understand.
I’m sorry but your family doesn’t love you NTA