My husband keeps a “fun times” spreadsheet. It logs when we are intimate, or so I thought. I knew about the spreadsheet but had no idea what it actually contained. He keeps copious notes on how the event went. That bothers me less than the following… I was looking for a different sheet, but came across this one. It’s not hidden, and I have access to it at all times but have never looked at it. He keeps it as a sort of diary, I guess? Well as I was looking through, I saw he also logs “alone” times. (Not sure how much I can say without getting flagged or the post removed.) Which I found a little odd, but still not as concerning. What did concern me was two events that happened recently. One, he stated he had “alone time” in the shower, while I was in labor. I told him to take a shower then take me to the hospital, but I was in active labor and he took time to take care of himself in the shower before.
Another event was he took our 5yo son on a hike by a creek, and while our son was playing in some sand, he took care of himself maybe 30 or 40 ft away. I’m having trouble getting solid details out of him, but this was really concerning to me and I blew up at him. I asked if he could see our son? Was he looking at him? Could our son see him? Like… I’m really concerned that our son was possibly left unsupervised or that he could have seen my husband doing that. He didn’t really give me a full answer to any of my questions and just said he didn’t want to talk about it right then. I said some nasty things and went to bed seething.
I’m also concerned about him doing this out in the open, in public. I brought up to him that that could lead to him having to register as a “SO” for life. His response was “yeah it was a risk”.
AITAH for being really mad about this? I understand he sometimes needs to take care of himself, I don’t have the highest libido in the world. But we’ve discussed this before and I asked him to stop watching “corn” and he refuses. It affects his ability to finish while intimate with me, so I’ve begged him to stop and he just won’t. I feel he’s acting like a teenager instead of an adult. It’s really bothering me.
He was in therapy for a while, and when he brought this up to his therapist he got mixed reviews. On the one hand, his therapist said that there’s no measure to what is an addiction (which is what I felt he had). On the other hand, his therapist agreed that it was affecting our sex life and he should slow down. Well, he never did slow down. Just started keeping track to try to prove it wasn’t as bad as I was saying it was? Idk.
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Incredibly gross.
Sounds like an addict to me.
“he took care of himself maybe 30 or 40 ft away.”
Bruh… He was publicly jacking off with your 5 yo son playing nearby? He’s about to end up on a list.
I have so many questions, and all of them are what in the actual fuck
WTF. The labour thing and jacking off near my son in public would make me leave him so fast.
What a disturbing selfish pos
I have spreadsheets for a lot of things, but this is just plain weird.
NTA. Your husband is aPOS.
As others have pointed out, taking care of himself in public with your young son is a major red flag. I don’t assume the absolute worst, but there’s a serious sex/porn addiction problem here.
Also, logging your intimate moments, while not the worst part of this, is a red flag too. It screams addiction.
NTA and yeah, if he can’t hold off on a hike with his kid and while his wife is in active labor, he’s addicted.
I would try couples counseling first and then divorce if he won’t take his problem seriously. Like, fine, he jerks off, but he’s engaging in risky public behavior and not meeting your needs. And doesn’t seem to care.
Whoa. This is incredibly odd. Both the tracking and masturbating while hiking with your son and while you were in labor is weird. I don’t know another way to say it. Also. When you tell him it’s an issue and all he is doing is trying to prove you wrong is also a huge red flag. 🚩 wow. Best of luck.
His Tracking may be something his therapist asked him to do so they could evaluate the level of his habit/addiction.
Logging when, where, what time, and under what circumstances sounds like they are trying to put together the picture of what variables set him off or “trigger” him.
It sounds like he has a problem, but it also sounds like he’s trying to study it and figure it out..
I’m not you you guys so I can’t say for certain, But it sounds to me like he’s trying to solve this – I wouldn’t be agressive or hostile towards him for that.
Shaming him for his problem also would be counter productive to his recovery of this if this is indeed what he’s doing. He needs your support.
Think about it before you do damage to his recovery. – And if i’m wrong.. i’m wrong.. he could just be a sicko documenting it all for kicks.
But you only have one shot do handle it right if it’s the recovery thing – fuck it up and it’s over and done with for good. He’ll never get better if he feels insecure/unsafe/unsupported with you.
NTA! For one, having that spreadsheet is incredibly demeaning especially if he is using it to try to “prove” that your sex life wasn’t as bad as you were saying. He is trying to diminish your actual feelings about how you two are intimate. For two, he refuses to stop watching his little videos when you ask him to? Insane. That is just disrespectful to your boundaries and relationship.
I can’t even wrap my head around him enjoying himself around your son. That is not only the best way to get on “the list” but it is also showing your son a behavior that he will believe is acceptable. Have you found any other instances in the spreadsheet that correlate to times that your husband was around him alone? Do you have any indication that your son actually saw?
He needs to get back into therapy.
NTA for your concerns.
The absolutely anal nature of the logging of the sex events is Sheldon Cooper level OCD. But, unless you find it personally offensive, as long as it remains private, no worries. Maybe have him password protect it as a zip file.
BUT, the public masturbation is a massive risk. If he were inadvertently filmed, by a trail cam, a Ring cam or some rando with a phone, he runs the very real risk of ending up on a sex registry. Worst case, your son could be removed by CPS.
He needs therapy, as in now. If he NEEDS to masturbate in public, that is either a compulsion or an addiction, which can be addressed with therapy techniques or meds.
Get him some help.
I’m not sure if I would be more concerned if he could see your son or if he couldn’t.
NTA. Your husband sounds like a weirdo.
Women should never know about our alone times, it’s always more then they think even in relationships.
That said, your man has a problem and needs to get some help toning it down.
Calling him a pedo is not called for. His urge to help himself is just beyond his controle.
Pretty sure there are even documentaires about these addictions.
Don’t give up on him just yet, but if he doesn’t accepts help….. maybe then you should.
Not healthy for kids growing up having this around the house, even the shame if he ever gets cought in public.
best of luck
The amount of time jacking it isn’t concerning to me, not being able to control his impulses to the point he’s cranking it while rushing you to the hospital in labor or while in public with his kid is concerning.
Frankly, your complaints about your sex life are almost immaterial to the real problem at hand.
NTA. Hubby needs to see professional. Does he have a porn habit? If so, taking a break from it might help.
Jerking off when wife is in
pain. FetishJerking off when kid is in view and in public. Pedophile. Either or, this would end my relationship instantly. Nta but he is.Edit to correct after more tbought and info. He was jerking off at the thought of finally seeing your child. Newborn.
Your husband is fucking weird for logging any of it on a spreadsheet – ffs, what’s that about? As for wanking in a bush a few feet from a 5 yr old child, son or not, he needs help. I would ask him to go the fuck away until he’s had a psychiatric assessment.
NTA. He was publicly doing it, with your son playing nearby. That’s such a problem, and he is going to end up on the sex offenders registry – and the fact you can’t get straight answers out of him is worrying.
NTA, I don’t think I could ever look at him the same way/trust him after finding that out. It speaks not only to his addiction, but also his prioritization of himself above both you and your children. He is willing to do this during life threatening emergencies and in proximity and possible view of your child and the general public. I understand that he is the father of your children but you do not owe it to anyone to wait around for this behavior to escalate, especially when he is unwilling to take any accountability or steps to change. He has essentially betrayed your trust and his duties to his children.
First off gross! Secondly, I understand having to take care of yourself. However, number one your son should always be in view of you number two. If you’re watching your son, will you have your hand on your business? What the hell are you thinking of in that moment I can honestly tell you I could not be looking at one of my children while I did something like that cuz that’s just nasty
Idk if this is fake or what. But read this story out loud and pretend you are at a table with your closest friends and relatives. Okay, how would they react?! Horrified, dismayed, calling cps? Great, the only answer is leave this freakin weirdo.
I’d bet that he has another hidden spreadsheet with much darker things. This is very strange and creepy behaviour. I would talk to your son and see if husband has been inappropriate around him.
This is seriously creepy.
🤮
A person who maintains a list like that is a sociopath
Dude make a copy of that list asap
Save it as a pdf on a separate device
NTA, if they would find that out in prison he wouldnt have a good time ever again
Did the therapist know about the list? If it were just a calendar, it wouldn’t be a big deal. But it is more like a predator’s diary of crimes. Or diary of small things that have now led to a crime.
The shower was probably quick and didn’t matter, but out in public with your kid is a problem. It was possibly a worse problem if he was watching the kid. He could be building a mental association with visuals of the child.
Dear lord, anybody else think of Gerald’s Game where the lead character’s father JOs with her sitting on his lap and it completely understandably affects her for the rest of her life? I know it’s a leap from being 30 or so yards away, but includes some of the sane issues – (1) why was he hard on a walk with his young son?, and (2) what if the young son had seen him? That’s not something he’s ready to process and, depending on the answer to #1, is bordering on/could be considered CSA. I also have a husband who has a higher libido than I, at least currently, but he would never consider JOing while on an outing with our kids. Or at least, if he did, I’d be taking them away to keep them safe.
NTA – W O W there is so much going on in this somewhat short by AITAH standards posting. Keeping track of your intimacy in a spreadsheet is I would dare say unusual but not probably unprecedented. Keeping track of alone times and how it went is… just wow. Doing it in public possibly visual of your child is literally got me shaking my head even more.
You didn’t ask for advice, only if you were the AH and you are not. But my advice is run, take your child and GTFO as fast as you can. Something is so far off that can’t even figure out what it is.
The psychologist he needs to see needs to specialize in seggs therapy (with forensic and addiction expertise) and autism.
Its too early for this… just, why. I hate everything about what your husband chooses to be.
Okay, so I used to log my husband and ours intimate time in my period app, as well as my personal times. I never kept it up bc it really doesn’t matter.
Your husband is a sex addict and he’s about to be on a sex offender list. He probably should be so he can never do that again. Get him AWAY from your children NOW. Stay with him any longer and he takes it a step farther and your kids will never forgive you for knowing this about him and staying. This is concerning AF!
Wtf? With your kid in the woods? That is not ok. He needs some serious help.
He is perverted and yes it is as bad as you say it is. It’s wildly inappropriate and wrong, if not illegal. I would be suspicious of him around kids, honestly.
Nah, this sounds fake as hell.
Holy hell!!! He knew, and admitted that he knew, he risked being on sex predator list to JO publicly and near a child…the only reason he’s not on a list is bc he wasn’t caught this time. He already IS a SO, just not on a list! Yuck
The public masturbation while possibly completely ignoring the well being of his 5 year is a very legitimate concern. That shows a complete lack of self awareness, lack of concern for others and extreme impulsivity. Even most incredibly horny teens can prevent themselves from masturbating in public. Being caught off guard about the topic likely triggered shame so it’s normal that he broke down and didn’t wish to discuss it. You 100% should bring the topic back up and give him a safe space to explain himself free of interjections or judgement. If you start yelling or calling him nasty names he will likely shutdown again. This is a normal emotional response.
As for porn consumption, you’re allowed to have differing views. Is there a compromise you’re willing to make? It seems clear that he is not willing to give it up, so you need to decide if it’s something you can live with. If not, it may be best that you leave the relationship in order to save your own emotional wellbeing.
I’m a survivor of childhood SA by my uncle. This is my biggest concern for your son. Please leave asap.
I have a step sibling who has a restraining order against her father because he used to jerk it in front of her and when she was five she started talking about it. The judge approved that order of restraint so fast.
he sounds like a pedophile who jacked off in front of your son.
NTA. There’s only two ways that second listing could’ve gone. Either he was so hidden from your son that he couldn’t see where he was and was risking his safety… or your son saw this, and he was able to do this while a child was in his field of vision. Neither of those scenarios is acceptable. He either endangered your child or exposed him. I know reddit is quick to jump to divorce for ridiculous reasons, but I’d never be able to look at him the same again. And I definitely wouldn’t want him spending alone time with kids.
I’m not one to jump to conclusions, but DIVORCE. That ‘man’ is disgusting and had he been caught would have been gone to jail. At that point, your kid is going to see his dad be arrested and, who knows, but maybe the police will think it’s an unsafe living situation and they will at least be questioned… I think you are underreacting.
Omg. This is not normal. At all. He needs help.
Source: I’m a dude.
Big if true
You two are both crazy
Why do you keep saying you will “recommend “ he goes to therapy? You should be demanding it as a non-negotiable.
Leave? You have to report this guy! Masturbating in public places… with children around… Go to the police! Autism is not an excuse for delinquent behavior my God!!!
lol God men are the deeply flawed gender eh, let’s risk it all for some minutes if pleasure
Updateme!
He acknowledges that he left his very young child unattended in the woods to go masturbate in public and thinks he doesn’t have a problem? I have no words.
I wouldn’t stay with a man who is jerking off while my kid is 30-40 feet away in a public space, by a body of water.
Get copies of the list.
See a lawyer and go with them to law enforcement.
CSA effs people up forever. Your children have already been harmed. You all need legal support and protection.
I really can’t stress enough how dangerous your husband is to you and your children, other people’s children.
Therapy won’t fix this. Bargaining and discussions won’t fix this.
I’m so completely sorry. Your marriage is over. Get as much help as possible.
Hmm. Could this be organic?
Has he had any head injuries? Falls, knocks, concussions? Maybe in sports?
These can lead to disinhibitions, changes in sexual drive, hormonal imbalances, and deregulated emotions.
I think his fam dr should be told and run full panel for hormone levels and refer to
neurologist/neuro psychologist endocrinologist?
I suggest looking for a sex therapist who has porn addiction recovery as a point of expertise. While your husband may or may not be a porn addict, the fact that it’s impacting your sexual relationship and he’s engaging in risky masturbation is a pretty significant point of concern. Sex therapists don’t teach you how to have sex, they dig into the issues that are preventing healthy sex to happen.
One small thing I will say, not all masturbation is about a big involved fantasy. Sometimes it’s just a stress-relief that is no more meaningful than a really good yawn or sneeze. Which I suspect the one when you were in labor was about, just stress relief. Sometimes the context does matter.
What he did while out with your kid is gross though, I don’t think any normal, healthy man would think that an appropriate time for a wafty crank.
Your husband is in denial about his issue.
I’m appalled by the number of people more concerned about OP’s husband ending up arrested or on a list than they are concerned about the 5 year old.
What the OP described IS 💯 sexual abuse of a child.
I just want people to understand how unbelievably serious this event is.
As a psychologist, this is absolutely unhealthy/compulsive sexual behavior and he may not be working with a therapist who understands that. His therapist needs to consult or he needs a new one.
I think your husband had some type of ‘fun times’ issues or addiction maybe I think it may be an addiction when it causes issues such as putting others at risk, examples leaving a child unattended or a wife in active labour, both of which are incredibly worrying and distressing to learn about, definitely look into therapy of some kind so your husband can explore why he feels he needs to do these things. Also now you know he isn’t being a responsible parent, limit the possibility of your child being unattended by him in potentially dangerous environments.
This is one of those diaries the police release as evidence afer the event.
Tbh he sounds like a sexual predator who is abnormally obsessed with “it” smh he sounds like a creep! NTA and honestly, you need to leave before it becomes an obsession he can’t control …… I’d say feeling so turned on you have to self love whilst watching a child has already gone way too far!
Your husband is the sort of man we were warned about in the 70/80/90s before all the sick stuff became normal