Backstory: I (14f) lived with my parents until I was 8 but my dad’s really abusive so my mom and I left and we were homeless for 3 years then she and her boyfriend were arrested for drug stuff and I went to the hospital for a while because I was malnourished and I had some injuries and infections and I have diabetes but it wasn’t being managed. Then I moved across the country with my aunt for a year and a half. Then my mom od’d and they said she could adopt me. She decided not to adopt me because she never wanted kids. I lived with my mom’s parents for like a month then they lost custody and I went back to the hospital for like a week then to a foster home for a few weeks and now one of my old nurses is fostering me.
I like it here. I have 3 older sisters (18, 23, 24) and an older brother (25). I didn’t get to decorate my room but they decorated it for me before I got here. It’s kinda princessy but it’s nice. My sisters (mostly the older 2) kinda baby me but my mom said it’s because they love me and they’re excited to have a baby sister. My mom is a really good cook and baker. When I was in the hospital she used to bring me brownies. I’m still getting used to having a dad and I mostly stay away from him but he seems nice and sometimes he asks if I want to go fishing with him. They’re kinda strict tho. I’m not allowed to miss school unless I’m sick and I’m not allowed to have screen time until homework is done and before I get allowance they check my room and bathroom to make sure it’s clean (sometimes my sisters help me clean my room and bathroom so I get an allowance but my mom and dad don’t know that) and I have to do all of my own laundry and all of the dishes twice a week.
My aunt was still texting me and calling me like at least every week. She says she still loves me and she wants me to visit sometimes (like on Christmas and spring break and a couple weeks in the summer) but she just couldn’t be my mom for the rest of her life. I like talking to her but I usually feel bad after so I told her I don’t want to talk to her or see her anymore because she gave up custody of me and I’m still mad at her and I feel bad after I talk to her.
She’s really upset now and she even started crying when I told her. Now I feel bad for telling her I don’t wanna talk to her anymore
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Backstory: I (14f) lived with my parents until I was 8 but my dad’s really abusive so my mom and I left and we were homeless for 3 years then she and her boyfriend were arrested for drug stuff and I went to the hospital for a while because I was malnourished and I had some injuries and infections and I have diabetes but it wasn’t being managed. Then I moved across the country with my aunt for a year and a half. Then my mom od’d and they said she could adopt me. She decided not to adopt me because she never wanted kids. I lived with my mom’s parents for like a month then they lost custody and I went back to the hospital for like a week then to a foster home for a few weeks and now one of my old nurses is fostering me.
I like it here. I have 3 older sisters (18, 23, 24) and an older brother (25). I didn’t get to decorate my room but they decorated it for me before I got here. It’s kinda princessy but it’s nice. My sisters (mostly the older 2) kinda baby me but my mom said it’s because they love me and they’re excited to have a baby sister. My mom is a really good cook and baker. When I was in the hospital she used to bring me brownies. I’m still getting used to having a dad and I mostly stay away from him but he seems nice and sometimes he asks if I want to go fishing with him. They’re kinda strict tho. I’m not allowed to miss school unless I’m sick and I’m not allowed to have screen time until homework is done and before I get allowance they check my room and bathroom to make sure it’s clean (sometimes my sisters help me clean my room and bathroom so I get an allowance but my mom and dad don’t know that) and I have to do all of my own laundry and all of the dishes twice a week.
My aunt was still texting me and calling me like at least every week. She says she still loves me and she wants me to visit sometimes (like on Christmas and spring break and a couple weeks in the summer) but she just couldn’t be my mom for the rest of her life. I like talking to her but I usually feel bad after so I told her I don’t want to talk to her or see her anymore because she gave up custody of me and I’m still mad at her and I feel bad after I talk to her.
She’s really upset now and she even started crying when I told her. Now I feel bad for telling her I don’t wanna talk to her anymore
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> I might be the asshole because I told my aunt I don’t wanna talk to her anymore after she gave up custody of me and now she’s really upset
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. Your feelings are valid and COMPLETELY understandable. And who knows, maybe once you’re older and have started healing from everything you’ve gone through, you’ll change your mind and reach out. As it stands, you don’t have to have contact with anyone you don’t want to (unless it’s court ordered, which doesn’t seem to be the case here) and your aunt should have expected this as a possibility when she gave you up
NTA – you need to heal and maybe someday you will be able to have a relationship with your aunt. For now, enjoy your new family.
Do what’s best for you. Your aunt is being selfish. You are doing great. Maybe when you’re 30 and settled in your life you can reach out. I would just exchange Christmas cards for now.
Nta
Your feelings are yours and they are valid. You don’t have to talk to her if you don’t want to, it’s your choice.
Maybe one day you’ll change your mind, but for now, you did the right thing for you.
It sounds like you’re in a good place right now. A place with consistency and support and family and I love that for you.
NTA. If talking to your aunt makes you sad and hurt, then you get to take a break until you’re ready to talk to her again. It sounds like this isn’t a way to punish her, but a choice you’ve made because talking to her that hard for you to do because of the choices she made and the reason she gave. It’s OK to make choices that prioritize our own mental and emotional health over those of the people around us. To a point.
One day, you might understand where she was coming from, and you might forgive her. But for now, I think it’s perfectly reasonable to take some time to process the hurt and to adjust to your new life without engaging in things that make you sad or remind you of what could’ve been.
I don’t think it’s fair for you for her to be in your life if she didn’t want to take care of you. I think you’re right
I’m so glad you landed in a good place. Those things you call “strict”…that’s what good parenting looks like. The success you’ll have in life from doing well in school and learning to be responsible in your house will set up your future.
Awww man that’s such a sad story
You are allowed to feel how you feel and you don’t have to talk to her
NTA-your aunt definitely is. How nice that your aunt wants to play family now that somebody else is raising you. She was selfish in giving you up. I understand that she never meant to have children, but this was an emergency situation where you needed somebody safe you. You needed any family member to step up and she abandoned you. She knew fully well that you could’ve ended up with a family who abused you. Yet she still abandoned you. I would not talk to her either if I were you. Thank goodness you ended up with a caring and loving family.
There’s a lot of replies saying you should cut contact. To your only remaining family member. You’re welcome to be upset that she didn’t adopt you, but its wrong to hold it against her. Its not her fault what happened to you and she still wants to be your aunt.
Don’t cut out people that are just trying to be there for you, even if it’s not how you want them to be.
NAH. It absolutely hurts when someone sats they dont want you. On the other hand, she tried to do whats best for you. You have a loving family now. If she had kept you, resenting hou more and more for the years you lived with her, she would have damaged you so much.
It could have ended differently. I know the foster system can be hell. But to take on other peaples kids, even id they are family, takes a lot of courage and commitment l. And if you dont feel you are up to it, you should not do it.
Take as long as you need and make your boundries known, but if you are up to it, maybe you can let her back. It seems she really cares, she just couldnt give you what you needed.
NTA
Are you in any kind of therapy?
You’ve had a lot of life changes, and since you are still in foster care, the system is responsible for paying for that – and your foster parents should be able to get that set up for you.
They should also be fully supportive of this.
A good therapist can help you work through stuff like this, you’ve been through a lot.
I believe you can’t force people to be a parent or get custody of someone’s else child if they don’t want to or if they doesn’t have the resources and it’s totally fair. But after rejecting a child that person also can’t expect that child to still act like nothing has changed, it’s not fair to expect the child to not act hurt or not wanting to have any relationship with that person
Your aunt is now acting hurt because you feel hurt is making her feel guilty and she doesn’t want that
You have a lot on your plate. Moved around. In an abusive home at one time.
It’s okay to just work thinks out without family you feel let you down.
Your aunt will be there and still love you if you ever decide to talk to her or be around her again.
You have to take care of you for now.
I hope you don’t mind me adding…
Your chore list is very normal. Most kids have them from keeping their room clean, to taking out the trash. It’s just doing your own part and helping with the family.
You can’t miss more than a certain amount of days of school. Not
Only will
You be in trouble but so will the people
Taking care of you. It’s the law.
I had the same rule. Homework first then all the fun you want.
Your aunt may love you beyond any love you’ll have from non relatives. Does not mean she’s equipped to care for you and may know you’re better off with a family that can. So maybe in time you can talk to her about that. Does not mean you have to understand that now. Youve been through a lot.
It sounds like
You have great sibling and family to be with. Unless you’re skipping anything.
NTA. She wants the easy stuff, not the hard stuff. Your foster family sounds wonderful and they aren’t strict, just sensible, and they are teaching you how to handle life. It sounds ideal after all the bad parenting you’ve been through. Accept their love. Go fishing. Enjoy being babied. Follow their rules, because even though you aren’t used to good parenting, that’s what they are doing.
NTA, I wont call the aunt an asshole either because taking in a child and being their new parent for the rest of your life isn’t an easy thing, even if your already biologically related. But your also not the asshole at all for feeling betrayed or angry at her for giving up custody, especially if your already happy with a new family now.
You’re 14 and you’ve been through a lot. I think your feelings are completely valid. I would probably caution you to not cut ties completely with your aunt. I’d recommend you tell her what you told us-right now talking to her makes you feel worse rather than better and you just want some space. Maybe you could agree to sending cards for birthdays and holidays. Tell her that you’re willing to leave the door open for more contact later when you’re more settled and feeling better about everything. Then if you feel like cutting her off completely when you’re older, you can do that. Don’t rush to burn bridges if you don’t have to. If she gets pushy about it, then I just cut her off completely. If she acts reasonable, maybe she can be in your life in a limited way later on. If she knew she would turn out to be a crappy guardian to you and gave you up to find somebody who is better, good for her. Even if she knew she was too lazy to do a decent job at least she didn’t make you suffer with a half assed parent/guardian. Her giving you up says more about her than you though. Obviously somebody that knew you like your former nurse, now foster mom, wanting you shows that your aunt gave you up due to her issues, not yours. Maybe she knows this. If you are in therapy, which I hope you are because you’ve had a lot of loss in the last few years, I would talk to your therapist about the best way to talk to your aunt to get her to respect your boundaries.
NTA
NTA
Its ok for you to be mad and upset, a lot of people have failed you and none of this is your fault. Not wanting to talk to her or see her is ok too. She needs to understand and respect that.
But I hope one day you can forgive your aunt. She didn’t ask for any of this either and not everyone is cut out to be a parent, as you well know.
I hope you are in therapy, that’s a lot to carry for someone as young as you.
I checked out your post history and there’s a lot of issues.
NTA
You have no reason to feel bad. You have finally gotten a good, stable home life. You seem to be enjoying your new home and learning some valuable life lessons. Your Aunt had her chance, now you are in a family you love. Live your best life. Definitely NTA
NTA. She can’t have it both ways. So glad you found stability!!!
NTA You have been through so much in your young life and have been failed by the people who should have cared for you above all else. Not only is it ok to be honest about and prioritise your own feelings, it’s essential. There may come a time when you being in contact with your aunt doesn’t leave you feeling low/abandoned all over again. If she’s a good person she’ll be open to you reaching out in the future if you choose to. But right now it’s hurting you so being honest with her was the right thing to do. Her feelings are hers to process & it would not have been fair to make her feel less guilty at the cost of you feeling low after each call. You have to focus on looking after your own wellbeing and building on the stable home life you have finally been offered. I wish you nothing but the best with the family you’ve found, they sound great & you deserve all the love they can give.
BTW the strict things you mention are actually a really clear indicator that they care about you & want to help you grow into an educated adult who knows how to look after themselves. Finding such rules tedious as a teen but understanding it better when you’re grown is totally normal!
NAH, I’m the aunt of a kid who now lives with me so have maybe a unique perspective. It is really hard and honestly your aunt probably did the best thing for both of you, you have to be 1000% committed to it cause it is hard. I have my own older kids but do struggle at times with the situation. It sounds like you’ve actually landed in a really good place and hopefully you’ll come round to forgiving your aunt eventually. Im sure it wasn’t an easy decision for her but it sounds like she really loves you and will be happy to hear from you again if the time ever comes.