I (30M) bought a house last year. It’s not a mansion, but compared to the small apartments my siblings live in, it’s definitely the most spacious. Ever since then, my mom has been pushing me to host every single family gatherings, birthdays, holidays, even random sunday dinners.
At first, I agreed. But hosting all the time is exhausting. I do the cleaning before and after, I pay for most of the food, and people often just leave their mess without helping. Last easter I spent the entire evening washing dishes while everyone else relaxed.
So I told my mom and siblings that I don’t want to host every gathering anymore. Maybe sometimes, but we should rotate. They all got upset. My sister said I’m selfish because I don’t have kids so I have more free time. My mom said I should be grateful I even have a house and should share it with the family.
The thing is, I like my family, but I feel like I’m being treated like a service, not a person. They don’t even ask anymore, they just announce: “We’ll be at your place Saturday”. When I said no last time, my brother accused me of turning my back on family and implied I only bought the house to flex.
Now I’m wondering if maybe I am being stingy. After all, I do have the space, and it’s not like I don’t enjoy having them over sometimes. But I just don’t want it to be every single time.
Comments
“I’m entitled to your time and effort because I had sex with someone else a few years ago.”
NTA
NTA
NTA, your house your decision.
But also if you want to compromise, your house your rules. If you’re hosting it is potluck style, someone else does dishes, someone cleans. The dishes and cleaning are on a rotation. Any adult unwilling to provide food or clean is not invited.
Be firm. You are not a doormat.
Tell them if they want to pay for a cleaner to come in the day before and the day after the event. And a cook to come in on the day of. That you will host.
NTA sorry that they don’t respect you
NTA I’d block them, tbh. They don’t even like you
Your family is toxic af! I’m sorry! They’re trying to gaslight you into thinking that you’re a bad person for not wanting to host.
Sounds like your family wants nights that they don’t have to pay for or clean up and chose to put that responsibility on you
Start charging them. Include cleaning fee.
NTA, in my family, no one argues about stuff like this because everyone always volunteered to help with clean up, foods and everything, its the Asian in us. I would personally have set the boundaries after 1 time, I dont mind hosting but I would need help with clean up and/or food the next time.
NTA. You can refuse to invite people on the house you paid for. Hosting if fun for a one-time thing like a house warming event or sumn, but the fact that they expect it every single gathering? lol no.
The siblings should have a rotation on the host and yeah, not your fault that you have a lot of free time because you chose to not have kids.
Even IF and that is a big IF you bought a house as a flex, you are not required to share with their entitled butts. Tell them because you bought a house, you cannot afford to constantly cook and clean up after everyone. That is an additional cost NOT in your budget.
If they want to do pot luck and clean then you will consider hosting again. And if they fall back into old habits you will cancel. tell them that is your offer, take it or leave it. Also tell them gatherings require 2 week notice minimum.
“OK. I’ll provide the house, you lot can provide the food and cleaning. Sort out who does what amongst yourselves.”
Nta
NTA. if they have keys, change the locks.
Feel free to not be home when they schedule by fiat.
This…did not happen.
NTA. We usually host events at one home but people show up early/stay late to help set up and clean up. Tell them from now on they need to provide all food/drinks. They need to set up/clean up and if they aren’t fulfilling their end of things you’ll kick everyone out when the event should begin because it’s not on you to host it all.
NTA. I’d have some fun with it. Next time they buy something new oh I’m coming over to grab your new Xbox. What do you mean you’re coming over the grab my new Xbox isn’t it you bought it so that means we all can use it right. So I’m going to take it for the next week and then I think Billy wants it and after him, Danny, and then you might get it for a few days before Joe takes it from you. See how they like that. Or or a car well I hear you got a new car oh well I guess you just flexing so we can’t use your car?
But if you decide to have them come over once in a while tell them there’s a list everyone’s got to bring something. Whether it’s paper plates, utensils, napkins, cleaning supplies, tablecloths. Saying I’m not doing a damn thing you leave this house as clean as it is found if you want to come here I am not doing everything anymore I will do a cursory clean of vacuuming and dusting. I expect my house to look as it did when you arrived. No trash Left Behind, no dirty dishes, take your pans with you and the trash. Yeah they won’t like that but the minute they don’t hold to your rules you kick them out or you say no someone so didn’t clean up after themselves so we’re not having any more get togethers at my house.
NTA. You should tell your family that if they helped and did not expect him to pay for all the food, maybe he would feel differently, but you don’t trust they will help. As*ho***.
I would host but assign tasks. People to come early to help clean, people to clean afterwards. Everyone brings a dish or contributes cash. You should not be responsible for everything.
NTA
Send them a clip of the wrecking the camp scene from the T@rzan movie, & tell them that you’re tired of dealing with the aftermath.
They are not in any way entitled to use you and your house as their own personal party venue.
Now, maybe, you’ll understand what the women in your family had to deal with at every family gathering growing up while the men sat there and children played.
My suggestion…… host most big holidays etc. but…… it’s potluck. Stock up on disposable plates, ect. (Maybe someone who doesn’t cook can help.). You clean before events. Make it clear, everyone is expected to help clean up after.
This way you only pay your portion of the food, and your house is clean when they are gone, if they can’t agree to that, they don’t need to come over.
Boundaries are the lines people set to define what they will and won’t allow in their lives to protect their mental health, time, energy, and well-being, fostering healthy relationships built on mutual respect. Setting and enforcing personal boundaries is crucial for self-care and includes physical, emotional, material, and time limits. Communicating these needs clearly and following through with consequences for crossed boundaries is key to upholding them and maintaining relationships.
NTA. Please consider sticking to your decision to not be the family venue all the time. Also ask that people pitch in for the food, and yes the pre/post clean up otherwise, no they can’t just come over. Buying a home is an accomplishment you did, don’t ever let others make you feel bad for this. That’s your house, not OUR house. If that’s the case, then you can go to theirs whenever you want and so forth.
Stop being a doormat to selfish and rude family. Best of luck.
Next time they offer up your house, you can say this person needs to come the day prior, this person is providing the food, and this person is doing the clean up. You have done all the work so far. Your only job now is to have the space available when you feel comfortable to do so. And if you don’t want to, then no is a perfectly acceptable answer. Nta
I would send an email to everyone. I would say that holidays are exhausting when you host and costly.
Tell them that you work full time. Doing a full cleaning, the costly grocery shopping, all the cooking, and the clean up afterwards without any help has completely soured the holidays. Much as you love them, you now have learned to dread holidays.
I would also point out that having a house rather than a fixed rent incurs extra costs and this expectation of paying for everything is too much.
Either the cost and work rotates with someone doing this on their own or we set up to have the work and cost shared.
Otherwise I decline the request to host going forward
They’re pretty much just stepping over your boundaries, and trying to deem you ought to be the bad guy the second you don’t want to host.
NTA
NTA. They’re not pitching in? Sounds like this was just the excuse to drop it all on you, labor, expenses. They’re users.
NTA. Having space doesn’t mean you signed up to be the family event center. If they want to enjoy your home they can also help carry the load.
you should be grateful to have a house that you purchased with your adult money that you earned at your adult job and make adult decisions about?
NTA
NTA. Tell them they can use your place if everyone rotates cleaning and cooking both before and after. You are not a maid or cook. They should be providing not just food but prepared food. Not items you have to cook yourself. Tell them yes we are family so why do you expect me to foot the bill time and effort.
Been there done that
Christmas dinner Boxing Day New Year’s Eve
If I wasn’t cleaning I was shopping ( I’d be the one having to buy the food and drink no contribution even from partner) and I hate food shopping at that time of the year
All stopped when I broke up with my partner at the time ( it was his family , mine and a couple or so friends )
He was always coming inthe kitchen saying you need to come and join us in the games etc but then there d be no drinks, food sorted or clean plates cultry. Etc. My mother or sister would help a bit. I used to be exhausted after the holidays
Part of me misses it but then I remember the cleaning shopping cooking cleaning etc and I think no I don’t
It is your house, your decision , but it is also selfish and unthought full of others not to at least help out a bit
Tell them that you’re going to host as many times as each of them. So if there are 4 households total, you’re hosting every 4th time, and you’ve already hosted several times in a row, so until it’s all evened out, it’s not your turn. Then don’t.
Tell your mom to come over and do all the cooking since you have to do all the cleaning. She should appreciate having such a big kitchen to cook for HER family in!
No, it’s your house and your rules. If family don’t like it, family can pound sand. My older stepsister emails me saying she’s coming to stay at my place from time to time. Doesn’t ask just tells me. So freaking entitled. So I tell her I’m sorry my house is not available but I can recommend a wonderful Airbnb or hotel nearby.
Are you kidding? NTA.
We’re in a similar boat. Thanksgiving and Christmas are our big days. We don’t do a lot of gatherings otherwise. But no one else can host and the family is growing. Last Christmas was 22 people. What really takes the fun out is people show up just before eating and then leave as soon as they can. We do all the prep and cleaning, not to mention the expense of the food. Check into the apartment dwellers. Many apartments have a clubhouse you can rent for events and it’s usually not expensive. Everyone can chip in. Take turns planning the food and such.
Last easter I spent the entire evening washing dishes while everyone else relaxed.
Why didn’t you get your family to clear up? Put your big girl pants on and get them to help. I host a lot for my friends and I have no qualms saying at the end of the meal I’ve done my bit now it’s your turn
Have them bring over prepared foods that they can serve and help clean up afterward. No help, no more hosting.
Call a family meeting and just tell them that if they want to use your space then that comes with them also doing THEIR part.
NTA. Just because you can host doesn’t mean you have to host. Rotating is fair, and honestly, long overdue.
THEY are the ones being selfish. Decide what works for you. Once a month? Good. The others can host for the other events between your monthly hosting. NTA.
It’s your house. If you don’t want to be bothered, don’t do it. Someone else will do the hosting if the family is set on getting together, especially to celebrate the holidays that are just around the corner. NTA.
ESH You because it doesn’t seem like you’ve communicated to them how much work and money you’ve put in to these gatherings without insisting on some help. Them for treating you and your home like a vacation spot and gaslighting you when you try to put your foot down.
My aunt used to host Thanksgiving and Christmas every year because she and her family had a big house. She never asked us to help clean before but I think she usually just kept her place tidy, but we ALL brought several dishes and helped her cook what she wanted to make. We all helped clean after to get it back to normal. Anyone who thinks you owe them your place like a free restaurant is the ungrateful one and you didn’t buy the home so they could all just impose on you, it’s your home, not a communal space.
NTA. Your family are manipulative lazy people. Sorry to be harsh but that is the reality of it. My wife and I are stuck in the same nightmare. No worries, so and so will have the party again. No one plans a party. We are stuck with the cost and clean up. No more. We are done.
Why don’t you try it this way?. Do a sign up list who is responsible for doing all the dishes and taking out the garbage, who’s responsible for various food and drink items. Just divvy out all the different jobs so that all you got to do is clean the house. Maybe you wind up doing paper plates and if that’s the case so what? Cleaning the house before and after is enough of a job so if they want to have it at your house, they’re going to have to do more work and maybe you sit after dinner and let them all clean up. For them to be sitting around or relaxing while you’re in the kitchen cleaning the dishes is ridiculous.
Try it that way on a trial basis and if somebody doesn’t step up, then you know next time it’s not gonna happen at your house.
And make sure it’s not just the women doing the work. The guys have to pitch in too especially if they’re the ones clamoring to be at your house.
You should be lucky to have a house. What kind of comment is that.
If you host, they need to clean up. Period. That’s common courtesy where I come from.
They are using you and your good nature. Stop immediately and tell them no! Until they can treat you like family and not a service center. You do not owe these people anything!
You are not being stingy. If you are willing to host at your house, they should bring a dish, help clean-up after etc.
NTA
Dude come on, your family are all users and crappy guests. It’s INSANELY rude to invite yourself over to someone’s house, not provide food or offer to help clean.
You did nothing wrong
I’m happy to host this guest is responsible for hash brown casserole next guest is responsible for paper plates mom is responsible for ham brother is responsible for dessert and so on until they understand that you’re providing the venue and the drinks only
NTA To me it sounds like it’s not the house but the fact they neither help pay, do any prep or offer to cleanup. Next time you host assign the dishes for each person to bring and see how they react.
NTA my sister loves to host the family. I usually get there early to help with set up or any cleaning still to do and the rest of the family will help clean up when we are winding down.
It’s rude af to assume the host is responsible for everything. Your family are lazy leeches if they just expect this of you.
You gotta set rules, either everyone pitches in or it’s nothing.
NTA especially if they don’t want to help with preparations, clean-up or costs.
It’s up to you! You could have 1 last gathering and tell them if your house isn’t clean, dishes done etc after the gathering you will never ever have another gathering.
That happened to me too. I agreed the first two times but they basically trashed my house.
NTA. And you shouldn’t even have to explain why. Maybe you can decide on a few events/holidays and proactively let them know you are happy to host x, y and z, but that you’ll expect everyone to pitch in potluck style. They should pitch in on doing dishes too, but you can a,ways limit that by just getting paper plates and if someone asks why they’re eating off a Chinet plate you just let them know you don’t want to be stuck doing dishes while everyone else relaxes!
And then they can figure out who will host other things. (I’m a private person and would find the total number of gatherings you describe exhausting! Maybe you don’t need to go to everything anymore either and by stepping away from a few of them with personal plans, they will re-calibrate).
In nice weather, perhaps you could encourage the family to do more of the large gatherings at a park and different people can take turns reserving a group picnic site. That will force the potluck approach and group clean-up.
NTA however if you offer to host at your place say you will get the house ready, provide the non alcoholic drinks & paper products. The rest of them can rotate bringing the meals & doing the dishes. Otherwise just say no.
1000% NTA.
>My mom said I should be grateful I even have a house and should share it with the family.
Oh, they want to kick in on the mortgage? No? No share in your house, then. NTA.
Nta. Don’t cook. Tell them they are always welcome but it has to be a joint effort. Your provide the space they bring food drinks paper plates. If not paper plates then they clean.
“I should host everything because i don’t have kids and have more free time? Welcome to Christmas (or whatever your families favorite holiday is) is the only thing I host, and I will provide exactly one food dish. Everything else is divided between the REST of you. And cleanup will be divided equally as well. Don’t want to do that? Then hire caterers and the rec center.”
You’re NTA
NTA. Hosting every gathering is exhausting and your house isn’t a public venue, it’s YOUR home. Wanting rotation or occasional hosting is reasonable. Boundaries don’t mean you don’t love your family, it just means you value your energy and space too.
I used to do this for everyone – working like a dog to prepare, even with a toddler and pregnant. I finally grew a spine and said NO MORE. If they didn’t like it I just said, “ well I’m so glad YOU decided to host this time.”
“My sister said I’m selfish because I don’t have kids so I have more free time.”
Response: “That does not mean I want to spend that free time cooking for and cleaning up after other grown adults. I would be happy to host if someone pitched in with the costs, helped cook, or did the dishes, since I’m hosting, but you come, eat my food, make a mess and a lot of work for me, and leave. So since you are shitty houseguests, someone else is going to have to host going forward, but I’m done being used and treated like a maid, or worse, a babysitter for overgrown children.”
“My mom said I should be grateful I even have a house and should share it with family.” What even is this logic? I’m assuming your mom isn’t homeless?
Response: “Yes, I am very grateful to have a house, but I worked very hard for it; you did not. And just as I would never dream of telling you what to do with your house, I’m a little shocked that you feel entitled to something you didn’t work or pay for. You can tell me how you think I should use my home when you pay the mortgage.”
NTA.
Nta advise your family that you cannot host and be responsible for all set up and clean up
Frankly, if you feel your family will continue to impose and refuse to assist you, everyone can meet at Golden Corral. Someone else does the cooking and cleaning and everyone is contributing to their own family
My inlaws stopped hosting because their family members also didn’t contribute and it was exhausting so they stopped
NTA. Your family is rude. They all want the goodies and you do all the expense and work. Stay strong. I’m sorry you’re treated like that.
Just tell them once everyone takes their turn the same amount of times you hosted, you will host an event.
I host Thanksgiving and Christmas at my house. We have a softball team sized family and most of them live here anyway. My siblings show up, somebody brings Cards Against Humanity, and some sides & desserts. I do the cooking for Thanksgiving. My husband cleans. He cooks Christmas dinner and I clean but he pushes me aside to clean up bc I make all the other Christmas magic happen.
My adult kids help put away & tidy up things, and instruct the younger kids (and their own kids) on the tasks needing to be done. My brother will grab the trash & recycling and take it to the bin outside. My sister helps with various things.
Your mother expecting you to do all this is part of the problem. I’d venture she is behind the scenes telling the other siblings that you’ll do X,Y,Z and 4, 5, 6. They’re responding this way bc mom is fueling it. Are you the scapegoat of the family?
NTA, I host everything here since we bought a house and, even though I LOVE hosting holidays and the decorating and planning (seriously, I’ve got Thanksgiving planned already and started on Christmas). It is A LOT, even for someone who enjoys it.
I dont blame you one bit for not wanting to host all the time. Last year, due to an unexpected recovery time from a surgery, we did pizza for Christmas and it was the most relaxed Christmas I’ve ever had.
Tell them it’s paper plates and a pot luck. Not fancy. No dishes will be used. And they’re taking the garbage bags home with them. They can’t come in the door without bringing food for the potluck. You will cook nothing.
IF you decide to entertain the notion again.
Cleaning up after others is a pain in the ass and you have no relaxation time. They are your weekends and holidays too. To quote from ‘Home For a Rest’
“These so-called vacations will soon be my death”
NTA.
The way it worked in my family was that the host provided the house and sometimes the labour, BUT they never ever cleaned up! Whoever liked cooking usually cooked, and people prefer to cook in their own kitchen, but if you’re fine with someone cooking in your kitchen go for it. The meal cost was either reciprocated for the next holiday (ie: mom Christmas, nanny new years, aunt easter, uncle thanksgiving) OR the total cost was estimated and divided equally by household. My aunt and grandparents were always happy to pay more than their “share” based on household numbers.
I definitely wouldn’t host entitled people who call me selfish.
Nope not at all. They are clueless to what it actually cost and the effort it takes to get it ready and clean it up.
Take a few holiday vacations away for just your immediate family.
Your family are jelous of you…thats it….you didnt buy the house for them.you bought it for you…I’d tell sister to fuk off actually lol
“No.” It’s a complete sentence. Use it. NTA.
Not the AH, they are! So, if you host, then ask them to bring something. Pot luck style every time for most gatherings. Also, ask for help there and then for cleaning up afterwards. One does the picking up, one does the putting away and doggie bags, one helps with dishes, etc. They’re family, so ask for help.
Nta, but It sounds like it wouldn’t matter whose house the gathering was at – the main problem is that everything is falling on YOU. My family hosts giant get togethers every year for the holidays and we make detailed job lists – which are printed up and also printed on name tags so there is no question on division of labor. There are “before dinner” lists and “after dinner” lists. Everyone is assigned jobs – even a two year old can put salt and pepper on the table. Dishes are broken down into 20 minutes shifts and people actually enjoy doing dishes because it’s time to chat with the other people assigned to dish duty. Everything from scraping plates, to putting food away, to setting the table, to vacuuming or sweeping – every single small task is labeled and assigned. We also have lists for food. Everyone contributes a dish or two. A Turkey or burgers is much more manageable if everyone contributes even two or three dollars toward the cost of meat (in addition to bringing a side dish). If a person in your family doesn’t want to cook they can contribute more financially to the person who does the bulk of the buying.
Spread the work out – many hands make light work – and it really does bond a family together. Plus, it’s the absolute BEST way to bring newcomers into the family – give them a job! It makes them feel included as “family” instead of just being a “guest.” Best of luck in your future family get togethers!!
“ well that’s the problem… nobody else is very grateful. They’re happy for me to do all the cleaning ahead of time. Do all the shopping and pay for it. Do all the cooking and clean it up afterwards while they just sit around and watch TV. There’s no appreciation. There’s no helping out. So if the deal is that the host has to do all the work and pay for everything then I’ll take my turn hosting, but I’m not gonna do it every time.. or if people want to bring all the side dishes and clean up afterwards, so I don’t do anything then we can talk”
NTA
But I would probably outline costs to them and then add expectations for hosting aka
“If you want me to host (1) you will pay X amount (2) you will help clean up (3) you will help with cooking…otherwise I will not host.”
NTA. Your house your rules. It’s okay to have boundaries. If they question it, why are they allowed to have boundaries with regard to hosting at their place? Only the host can choose to host.
On as much smaller scale, I remember this happening in high school and college. No you cannot just demand a ride with the person that has a car. It’s not your car. It’s not a shared car. Just say no.
Nta. Just be clear on your boundaries, expectations, and what you’re willing to do. Be clear that if they want to continue to use your space at times approved, they have to pitch in to clean during and afterward.
tell them to stop acting entitled to your cooking and cleaning services as well as your food. Its unfair. If they want you to continue to host, then it needs to be a fair split of duties.
When the “you’re being selfish” whine is thrown at you, that’s when you know you’re being taken advantage of.
Your family, no RELATIVES-sound like they need a break, give them all the time and space you want
You can always compromise. If you host, they have to bring food and help with set up beforehand and clean up after. Heck, designate a person to come beforehand, someone to stay afterwards and someone to make the main dish. And you can tell them it’s either those rules or one of them can host.
When the “you’re being selfish” whine is thrown at you, that’s when you know you’re being taken advantage of.
Your family, no RELATIVES-sound like they need a break, give them all the time and space you want
If they want to use your house, start giving them an itemized bill for setup, food purchase, cooking, and clean up. Tell them when they start paying or helping, your doors are closed and they can rent a hall. Helping family is one thing. Being walked all over is another
NTA. Never host again until their attitude changes.
NTA. In my family, my aunt has the big house, and we use her space for family parties as a “venue”, but we rotate who hosts.
The hosts are responsible for arriving early, cleaning, food, and clean up (though everyone pitches in unless there is a kid emergency.) When it’s a more expensive meal, like a big piece of meat, we all pitch in for it and then we each bring side dishes.
My uncles family hires a cleaning service for their round of hosting (because he HATES cleaning.)
Your family is definitely using you.
NTA. For any future get togethers – tell them it’s potluck and create a shared spreadsheet. They can signup for appetizers, main dish 1, main dish 2, rice/bread, dessert, drinks etc. Assign everyone for cleanup afterwords. And state that you will be providing space, paper plates etc.
If not enough participation is there, then cancel the event a week before.
Don’t get into a debate with others on this.
Nope, NTA. No one, not even family, is entitled to YOUR home. Just say no. And ignore their comments. No means no, no explanation needed. Your mom and siblings are trying to emotionally manipulate and guilt you into doing what they want. Your sister using her “kids!” card is stupid. She chose to have kids, has nothing to do with you. You’re both living the consequences of your life decisions. If they want the family to gather, they can plan something in a park or other venue. Protect your peace and YOUR home.
“If I only bought the house to flex, you are only insisting on coming over to mooch off me. Why don’t you host a dinner, do the cleaning before and after, and pay for all the food? Oh, because you’re a selfish mooch!”
NTA
What? You having the biggest place doesn’t mean you’re the default host for everything, especially since no one is helping you with cost, cooking, cleaning. Either they bring food, pay for food, help cook, and especially clean up after themselves, or YOU DON’T HOST.
NTA if this is real. You need to step up and tell them exactly why. They can’t fix it if they don’t know what is broken. You clean before they come. Everyone brings a dish. They rotate who does the cleanup. Lay it out and give them ONE Final chance. Good luck!!
NTA. They are abusing your generosity. It’s one thing to have you open your home for family because it’s the only place big enough for everyone. It’s quite another for them to expect you to foot the entire bill, do all the prep work, and cleaning before, during, and after. If they want to use your SPACE, they need to chip in with everything else. They need to bring food and drinks. They need to either show up early to help set up, or stay afterwards to help clean up. Preferably some will choose to show early and some will choose to stay late so you have help on both ends of the gathering.
Currently they feel entitled to USE without CONTRIBUTING. If that continues you will only feel more and more bitter about them and their attitude. If you want to find a middle ground I would call a family meeting and state the above. If they want to keep coming over they need to contribute. You shouldn’t be relegated to cleaning staff while everyone else is kicked back enjoying your home. If they refuse, you know it isn’t getting to spend time with you they value. It’s only getting to use you that’s important. And no one needs that.
NTA. You are NOT stingy/dramatic/emotional/whatever. You are standing up for yourself. You are not allowing yourself to be used and abused. Do not give in. Do not bow to their guilt and manipulation tactics.
They all have to contribute for the food, either money or a cooked dish. Each person is given a chore to be done after the meal is over. No one leaves until everything is clean and put away.
They don’t like the rules, they are not allowed in the door. In the meantime, put all of them on mute. Go somewhere for Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s.
You have to break them of their entitlement by standing firm and saying NO.
NTA. Your family is being ungrateful for all the effort you put into these “family” gatherings. Family helps family until that means hosting dinner, doing dishes, or helping clean up after the fourth birthday party this month. You offered a compromise and they spit in your face.
Stop hosting leeches and enjoy your child free time. Obviously since you have so much of it, you’ll be able to find more fun things to do than be everyone’s Mommy.
Nta. I also don’t have kids, and have a large home. We alternate between the homes that are big enough to host the whole family and wheelchair accessible (which is most – everyone who could do so has modded their homes for my youngest niece).
NTA, but the next time someone invites themselves over I would have zero food waiting for them. the should be willing to put the effort and money in if they want to use the space.
Of course you don’t have to host, but I wonder if you explained ahead of time that you want everyone else to bring the food and have several people designated to do the clean up afterwards. If you do this and you still end up doing all the cleanup you can refuse in the future with that explanation.
You provide the space 50% of the time. They provide the food, drinks and clean up afterwards. NTA
NTA. Nothing frustrates me more than hearing people complain they don’t have as much free time because of the children they chose to have – that is not your problem. Also, that’s a wild assumption to make, that you’d always have more free time and that you’re always going to be available.
NTA. Nothing frustrates me more than hearing people complain they don’t have as much free time because of the children they chose to have – that is not your problem. Also, that’s a wild assumption to make, that you’d always have more free time and that you’re always going to be available.
NTA- BUT stop bowing down to them and stand up for yourself. These entitled assholes come into your house, don’t help with anything, don’t provide anything and then wonder why you don’t want to host anymore. HELL NO! Their free ride of your home is over.
With thanksgiving coming up, here is your chance to course correct. “Hey there are so many more options now for dining out thanksgiving day that are open. Let’s do that”. When they start to bitch about tradition, the price of dinner etc there’s your chance to tell them to pony up some cash for you to get prep help before during and after! Might make things somewhat easier for you and it definitely sends them a message that you are over it! But maybe still willing to bend?
I went to culinary school so cook very well and started cooking few dishes maybe around 23/24 potluck style because I had a small APT with roommates. Then it graduated to cooking everrrrrything then cleaning before and after we got a home. So I started going away for Thanksgiving on purpose to trips to Europe. Why because I do have a child 13 and I’m getting so exhausted that I want to be able to be the grandma his kids or mom he may deserve. Still having the passion to cook his favorite dishes.
Don’t want to be 65 tired of the holidays because my family burnt me out at a young age.
I love entertaining but I love feeling appreciated also.
Save your selfish self the headache.
Oh, you supposed to be grateful for cleaning up people’s messes paying for all the food while they get to sit and relax. They’re the selfish ones I would stand my ground. They did it before you had your home they can manage again
So, next time, get organized. You put out a spreadsheet ahead of time of who is bringing what and who is doing what. Let them know you aren’t doing everything anymore. They are welcome to come use your space, but you aren’t the family chef and servant. If they don’t follow the plan, just be conveniently out of town next time. If you want to be petty, (assuming one or more of your family members has keys) change the locks and secretly go out of town. Just be prepared for them to break in, so maybe put up cameras.
NTA. You can suggest a potluck style gathering going forward, rotating, or just go out to a restaurant and everyone pays for themselves and no one has to do dishes.
Everyone sign up for a task and items to bring and rotate each event. (Rotate main dish much like a work pot luck..pick a theme and people sign up for several items.) Because you are hosting and doing initial start clean up, you get a smaller task. Then people get a task too- Set up, clean up, disposable serving items (paper plates etc.) post it big so people know who is slacking.
NTA. Pick a few time you’ll host and tell them when. If they argue cancel those dates.
NTA at all. It’s fucking tiring to end up being the host, housemaid, chef, waiter/waitress, concierge, evening entertainment, post-party cleaner etc all the time. You’re not being stingy, by the way.
Fuck, even if you were? You’re ALLOWED to be. Just because your place is bigger and you have no kids doesn’t mean that you need to immediately assume the position of doormat/whipping boy, my sweet. And it’s not wrong to not want to constantly have your house trashed by people who should be a whole lot more appreciative and considerate of your possessions and space.
You’re going to have to push back a lot until they learn that when you say no, it means no. I’m going to give you some fun techniques that are salty as, if you want them.
From now on, if they text and go ‘Hey, I’m going to be at your place on this day!’ reply with ‘lol good luck, I’ve got plans’. The plans might be that you’re going to do a leisurely grocery shop or go fart at ducks in the local park, but to hell with it. They’re your plans and you don’t need to tell them exactly what you’re doing. Just that you won’t be home or available.
And if your brother bitches that you only bought your house to flex? You can choose your own Snarky Adventure here too: option 1 is to give a shit-eating grin and go yeah, you got me, now why the hell aren’t you doing the same?. Option 2 is when you just stare at him with the deadest, most disappointed stare you can muster and tell him you’ve got better shit to do than play stupid, petty little games and that maybe he’s feeling a little insecure. And your third option? Be confused AF and go ‘I don’t understand what you mean. Explain why it’s a flex? I thought it was a normal thing for people to do and pretty common?’.
Your sister can get stuffed too. You might not have kids but doesn’t mean you’re sitting around waiting for them to give you something to do. You’re a full grown adult who has work, and life, and friends, and hobbies. Ignore her. She chose to have kids, you have not yet or may never – but it doesn’t mean you sit on your arse twiddling your thumbs all day.
Your mum’s ‘you should share’ though? EVERY TIME SOMEONE TELLS YOU THAT, YOU START CALCULATING – OUT LOUD – HOW MUCH OF YOUR MORTGAGE THEY NEED TO PAY FOR THAT TO BE A REALITY. I’m serious. Start going okay then, so are you going to take over the mortgage then? Buy out half shares in my house?
Seriously. Boundaries, honey. Your family are entitled AF so push back now, push back hard, and if they’re going to be rude dicks about it? Be a salty, sarcastic, blunt harbinger of chaos because they’re going to be pissy about it anyway and you may as well have fun with it.
BTW, super proud of you trying to have a civil conversation with painful family members. You did so well and you were not unreasonable or awful. You handled it beautifully and gave a very, very reasonable and easy to achieve compromise and they pissed all over it. Stay strong.
NTA. I am so tired of reading about family guilt tripping people like this. If there are 4 family units/HHs in your family, you hosting 1/4 of the time is plenty. They’re just mad they can’t keep taking advantage and will actually have to buy stuff and clean up instead of just showing up. In my family, wherever we have dinner, everyone contributes and everyone helps clean up.
Have them pitch in for a cleaner and do potluck
Your house, your call. I did this for years and got fed up with doing 90% of the work around organizing, cooking, cleaning, buying food and booze. About 7 years ago I pulled the plug and holidays are so much easier for our small family now.
Nobody respects the time I have to put in to make the family gatherings happen. Nobody respects the amount of money I am spending on cleaning and food. Nobody helps when the meal is done. I am stuck in the kitchen doing dishes and cleaning up after the entire family while you all just sit around enjoying each other’s company. And what’s worse, you all feel entitled to my home. You don’t ask. You command. When I push back, you throw the fact I don’t have kids in my face…or say I am turning my back on family, or acting like I bought this house specifically just to rub it in your faces. All of which, by the way, is completely untrue and it’s sad that you are such hateful people that you would even say those things.
To be clear, each and every one of you owes me an apology, a sincere apology, for the way you have treated me. And until I get it, I just will not include myself in any family gathering moving forward.
None of you are acting like I am a part of the family. You are all acting like I am an employee who’s job it is to cook and clean for you. And it’s complete b-llshit.
You are all going to take accountability for your b-llshit behavior and apologize. It’s not a request either. It’s going to happen. Or you simply won’t see or hear from me.
And if we ever start having family gatherings at my house again, EVERYONE is going to pitch in. The food will be split evenly amongst us all. Everyone will help set up. Everyone will help clean up. This is non negotiable. I am sick and tired of being treated like your personal holiday servant so it’s time you all pulled your heads out of your collective @sses and started acting like family.
NTAH
If my daughter hosts, my son and/or my husband usually cook between them. Because my daughter isn’t a fan of cooking. If we host, my husband cooks (sometimes my son does), and people all pitch in for cleaning no matter which house. So far my son & his fiancee haven’t hosted, but they’ve only just bought a place large enough for everyone (and it’s around the corner from my daughter’s larger place anyway).
OP, tell your family you’ll host one major family event per year (Xmas, Easter, Mothrs/Fathers Day etc to be determined by you at the start of the year), but A) it’s a “take me as you find me” situation, ie you won’t be doing deep cleaning beforehand, and anyone who comments on any mess won’t be invited back (and stick to it); B) everyone has to pitch in with cleaning up after, anyone who doesn’t help (without good reason) won’t be invited again; and C) each family unit has to bring a dish/side/dessert to be determined in advance, no exceptions.
Anyone that comes to your house and doesn’t bring food drinks, anyone that lets you do all the cleaning afterwards sucks, anyone that tries to guilt you into shit general f them
Your family need to learn some basic manners! Just because they’re using your house doesn’t mean they can’t also be hosting. Especially birthday parties, those aren’t your responsibility. NTAH.
You’re not being respected. You feel uncomfprtable with hosting every single time and some of the things your family said are pretty hurtful. Yhis is not how family is supposed to treat you. And they don’t even offer to help! Set boundries, please.
Ask them to host if they aren’t taking advantage and abusing your hospitality because of you house.
If they want these gatherings to continue you tell them that they will be potlucks from now on and you insist that they aren’t leaving without helping cleanup. If they don’t do this for the next gathering, your home is off limits for good.
Set your schedule. Once every two or three months. Any more disrespects your time, space and they are abusing your finances. Set your boundaries in a way that clearly shows you are happy to do it in moderation. Threaten to blast them to relatives or soc med and paint them as opportinistic parasites.
nta. i’d ask your mom what she meant by saying you should be grateful you even have a house🤔 if your mom and siblings can’t afford a house, that’s on them. you’re under no obligation to host family gatherings if you don’t want to. it’s your family who are being selfish and taking advantage of you by putting it all on you (the cleaning and funding most of these gatherings) and telling you they’re coming over when they should be asking you if that’s okay. you’re not being stingy, they’re trying to manipulate you using family as an excuse to have access to a party venue they don’t have to clean and free meals.
You get to decide what is held at your house.
NTA.
In my family, we all help clean up, the women do. We also have large homes, and we rotate Thanksgiving and Xmas between 5 homes.
Not pinching in to help clean up is rude and disrespectful to you as a host and your home.
Tell them. Don’t stay quiet. Where were the holidays before you bought your home?