Hi everyone,
I (29F) have been with my husband (34M) for 9 years. My relationship with my MIL (let’s call her Cornelia) has never been great. On the surface she’s polite and diplomatic, but she has this way of making little digs at me, always subtle enough that outsiders wouldn’t notice unless they knew me well.
For example, she buys white chocolate as a gift for me, even though she knows that’s my husband’s favorite, not mine. It sounds small, but it’s these kinds of constant little jabs that build up over the years.
My husband and I now have a 2.5-year-old son. When he was born, Cornelia decided she wanted to be called “MaCo” (short for “Mama Cornelia”) by him. I didn’t love the idea, but I went along with it because I want my son to have a relationship with his grandmother. For context, when I was pregnant, she used to call my unborn baby things like “cigarette butt” which I found really hurtful.
Recently, my husband took our son to visit his parents. When they came back, my son suddenly wasn’t calling her MaCo anymore,he was calling her Mama Cornelia. This really bothers me. To me, there’s only one Momma in his life, and that’s me.
I don’t want to be petty, but I also feel like she’s crossing a boundary here, maybe even deliberately. My husband sees where I’m coming from but doesn’t want to rock the boat with his mom.
So Reddit, AITA for not wanting my son to call my MIL “Momma”?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think i’m the asshole because it bothers me that she wants to be called momma, even though i’m the mother of this child. Also because i’ve told my husband about this and he thinks that it’s just a thing us women find to have a conflict with eachother
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
My own mother wanted to be called “Mini Mom”, because she’s small in stature. Turns out she was insane.
SHUT. IT. DOWN. NOW.
Grandma is a perfectly acceptable moniker for a grandmother.
NTA
NTA- have you talked to your husband about your concerns ?
Momma and Mama Cornelia are different things. Heck Momma and Mama are different. I think you gotta let go of your thousand of small gripes with her. NAH.
I think she needs to re-titled Grandma Corny.
It absolutely baffles me that there are actually grandma’s out there that want to be called “momma”, “mom”, etc by their grandchildren.
NTA.
NTA. Start referring to her as “granny” at home.
Also, your husband is an AH here for not having your back.
YTA. You obviously don’t like this woman for some good reasons but momma Cornelia is not the same as calling her momma. One OG my grandmother’s was Big Mamma. One of my cousin grandmother was madea, wich is a shortening of mother dear. They aren’t the same.
NTA- Not wanting to let your kid call anyone else mom is totally normal. It’s a special name, and it’s one you have every right to reserve for yourself and assert who’s the mother and who’s the GRANDMOTHER
Maybe try correcting your son to say “grandmama Cornelia” or something along those lines. If she makes a fuss, let her know you don’t want him getting confused between his mama and his grandmama, but he does not need to call anyone else mama
Nta. Mama X is too close to mom for me.
NTA – just start calling her granny Cornelia, you will say it more times than she will. The name will stick , don’t budge, and don’t let it continue
Talk to your husband first and often you need to have him onside
Its creepy
NTA – there’s a phrase for the jabs your MIL gives you over time – “death by a thousand paper cuts.” What you are feeling is real. She is an ass. Anyone who says otherwise has the luxury of not having someone do this to them & doesn’t know how to be empathetic.
Your husband needs to get his mom to stop this behavior by enforcing boundaries. She is a grandmother, not a Mama Cornelia. Plain and simple. It’s overbearing, creepy, and an unfortunate sign of things to come. If she knows she can get away with this, she will keep pushing when other opportunities present themselves.
NTA Maco is fine, or any version of grandma. If you are mom/mommy/momma, then Momma is not OK.
You have a bigger problem though. Your husband doesn’t stand up for you with his mom, and he really ought to. She will only treat you with proper respect when her son says “Mom, this is not OK. I love you both, but my wife and child are my top priority. I need you to treat my wife and our marriage with respect. My wife is Momma to our son, you can still be Maco.” Not “Mom my wife isn’t OK with you being Momma. She wants you to stick with Maco.” When mom gives you white chocolate, he should take it and hand it right back to her saying “Mom, you know my wife prefers milk chocolate. I’ve asked you to treat my wife and our marriage with respect, why do you refuse to do so?” And if she still doesn’t treat you respectfully, then you all should see a whole lot less of her.
INFO: What did/does your husband call his own grandmothers?
Hello Husband!
WHY are you willing to rock the boat with your wife, who is your family now and you should be supporting, but not your mom, who should not be disrespecting your wife this way?
Your mother is your past. Your wife and child are your future. Act accordingly.
Your wife is NTA but you need to step up so you aren’t the AH here. Shine up your spine!
NTA. Absolutely not!! Time to start teaching him to call her Granny or whatever old lady name she hates. There is only room for 1 mama.
Reinforce ‘MaCo’ because – mako shark 😉
Have you opened your mouth and expressed these feelings out loud? Are you worried your husband will side with your mother and force you to face some uncomfortable truths about your marriage?
Feel like you really buried the lede there with her calling your son “cigarette butt”. That’s AWFUL.
NTA. She’s pushing boundaries on purpose. She sounds like a very petty, passive aggressive woman
NTA. Having him call her Mama Cornelia is just a route to being called Mama.
But I’d have a huge issue with your husband not standing up for you all these years. He’d rather make you upset and uncomfortable than make his mom upset and uncomfortable
I have 9 grandkids. I also had a mil like this for 30 years!! I get it. Anyway, there were lots of jokes about what I’d be called. My son-il suggested Mademoiselle because I’ve always loved all things French. He was half serious. 😅 But here’s the deal. My daughter and sil decided on Ma’am and Da early on — the way the Irish say it, because they fell in love on a trip to Ireland. I was her only sitter and my oldest gd quickly added ie to that. I was Mamie to her for about 10 years. My kids thought it was hysterical. My husband didn’t. 😬 She’s in her 20s now and would never* call me that, but the oldest grandkid decides. What you call her to him at home when you talk about her is important. I suggest there be pictures of her to reinforce whatever you decide to teach him. 😉😉😉😉
INFO – Is this like a cultural thing? Are you two from the same culture? I just know of some places where “Momma X” would be accepted.
If not, NTA. Big overstep in my opinion.
Tell him there’s going to be a rocking boat either way. Ask if he wants to be a family man or a mama’s boy, the time has come to choose. NTA
NTA
She’s walking all over you and you and your husband were letting her. Call her whatever you want to call her, refer to her as “grandmother” in for of your child. He will pick upon it and start using ot amd don’t let him go to her house without you present.
NTA so your husband would prefer to rock the boat at home with his wife than with his Mom. I hope he realizes that isn’t good.
I personally think it’s nasty for any grandmother to try to use any variation of the word mother to describe herself. She had her opportunity to be a mother. Now it’s time to graciously concede that title to the actual mother of the grandkids.
I only know one person who tried to force all her kids in law and her step kids and grandkids to call her mother. Everyone buckled except the step kids who are incidentally my kids. She eventually gave up after a long campaign. I don’t think anything alienated them from her more than that. (yes she was the AP). The day of my ex husband’s funeral, was that last day they allowed her to have any contact with them or their families. She lots the battle and lost the war.
I can’t think of any legitimate reasons why grandmother would try to force grandkids to call her mother.
NTA. Mama is a name for a mother, not a grandmother. Maybe suggest “Granny” instead. Also, your husband prioritizing not rocking the boat with his mother over your very valid feelings is BS and why she keeps up her little microaggressions and will continue to as long as it goes unchecked.