My boyfriend and I live about half an hour from his sister and her husband, so we spend a lot of time with them. On the outside, he looks perfect. He is a professor, owns a huge house, has four kids under five, coaches little leagues, cooks, cleans, and always appears doting toward his wife. Everyone admires him.
But every single time I see him, he does things that make me feel uncomfortable and reveal a manipulative streak. The way he talks to his wife is controlling and undermining. For example, one night he was cooking for guests and the oven beeped. She asked if she should take the food out. He snapped, “Do you not think I know how to cook? Or use a timer?” Then he spent the rest of the night joking about her “overreacting,” while she smiled and stayed silent. Another time, she accidentally fed the kids twice. He turned it into a “joke” in front of everyone, saying, “Mommy’s the good guy, daddy’s the bad guy,” making her feel guilty while pretending it’s funny. Last week She broke a dish, and he raised his voice at her, blaming her for being careless, then swooped in to fix it while framing himself as the responsible one. The thing that bothered me the most was he continued to say for the rest of the day “Stay away from mommy when she’s holding a dish” having her kids join in, putting her down about not being able to hold dishes right without dropping them.These things aren’t rare, they happen every single time I see them. There is literally no day that I see them when something like this doesn’t happen.
He also directs a lot of attention toward me in ways that are uncomfortable. He talks about how perfect his life is and constantly compares our plans and choices to his. He brags about expensive purchases and vacations and seems visibly hurt if no one reacts with awe. He tries to act “cool” with me, telling stories about his college days trying to convince me that he was this stud sometimes seeming like he’s trying to flirt, offering me drinks, or just putting on an air of being effortlessly charming in ways that feel performative. He does it in a way that seems designed to impress and subtly test me, all while pretending to be friendly.
I tried talking to a mutual friend about all of this, but she told me I am assuming the worst because of my upbringing. My plan was to microdose a tiny amount of THC just to manage anxiety and not feel trapped around him all week. She said I am overthinking it, and even warned me that if I showed up slightly altered to cope with being around him, she would say something.
I am not trying to be dramatic. I genuinely feel like he is manipulative and narcissistic, and I dread spending an entire week in that environment. My boyfriend’s family sees him as perfect, so I cannot talk about it openly without causing tension. Basically when I’m saying is AITA four not liking and not wanting to be around my sister-in-law’s husband.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I ranted to my best friend about my sister-in-law‘s husband, and my plans for being around him.
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^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT – DO NOT SKIM. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything.
My boyfriend and I live about half an hour from his sister and her husband, so we spend a lot of time with them. On the outside, he looks perfect. He is a professor, owns a huge house, has four kids under five, coaches little leagues, cooks, cleans, and always appears doting toward his wife. Everyone admires him.
But every single time I see him, he does things that make me feel uncomfortable and reveal a manipulative streak. The way he talks to his wife is controlling and undermining. For example, one night he was cooking for guests and the oven beeped. She asked if she should take the food out. He snapped, “Do you not think I know how to cook? Or use a timer?” Then he spent the rest of the night joking about her “overreacting,” while she smiled and stayed silent. Another time, she accidentally fed the kids twice. He turned it into a “joke” in front of everyone, saying, “Mommy’s the good guy, daddy’s the bad guy,” making her feel guilty while pretending it’s funny. Last week She broke a dish, and he raised his voice at her, blaming her for being careless, then swooped in to fix it while framing himself as the responsible one. The thing that bothered me the most was he continued to say for the rest of the day “Stay away from mommy when she’s holding a dish” having her kids join in, putting her down about not being able to hold dishes right without dropping them.These things aren’t rare, they happen every single time I see them. There is literally no day that I see them when something like this doesn’t happen.
He also directs a lot of attention toward me in ways that are uncomfortable. He talks about how perfect his life is and constantly compares our plans and choices to his. He brags about expensive purchases and vacations and seems visibly hurt if no one reacts with awe. He tries to act “cool” with me, telling stories about his college days trying to convince me that he was this stud sometimes seeming like he’s trying to flirt, offering me drinks, or just putting on an air of being effortlessly charming in ways that feel performative. He does it in a way that seems designed to impress and subtly test me, all while pretending to be friendly.
I tried talking to a mutual friend about all of this, but she told me I am assuming the worst because of my upbringing. My plan was to microdose a tiny amount of THC just to manage anxiety and not feel trapped around him all week. She said I am overthinking it, and even warned me that if I showed up slightly altered to cope with being around him, she would say something.
I am not trying to be dramatic. I genuinely feel like he is manipulative and narcissistic, and I dread spending an entire week in that environment. My boyfriend’s family sees him as perfect, so I cannot talk about it openly without causing tension. Basically when I’m saying is AITA four not liking and not wanting to be around my sister-in-law’s husband.
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NTA, and who is this terrible friend? Please find some way to support your SIL
NTA, but I would be more concerned that your BF doesn’t recognize these behaviors even after you have pointed them out. The way you describe them seems very open and blatant, so if everyone is not only OK with it but likes him for it or despite it, indicates that BF was raised in a family where this behavior is somewhere between tolerated and expected. People often differ from their families, but the first step is usually recognizing the kinds of differences you want to have.
If BF is just … oblivious to it, that should be a big fucking warning to you. I think you need to have a serious talk with him about what kinds of behaviors he thinks are OK or normal in a relationship.
NAH. The only actual asshole is whoever said they would snitch. You are not the first person to be buzzed around in-laws. You aren’t first person to not vibe with an in-laws spouse (cause you have NOTHING to connect with them over).
you don’t have to like this guy, and if you got a way to chill, chill.
NTA, I wouldn’t want to spend time with someone like that either. And if I had to? I wouldn’t be micro dosing, but full blown stoned the entire time.
NTA. It’s honestly weird that your friend didn’t consider that you’re seeing things clearly because of your upbringing and instead just assumed you were projecting. This sounds like one of those guys that everyone seems to believe is a “great guy” but is actually just really good at getting away with being abusive. Those behaviors are HUGE red flags and I wouldn’t want to be around it either. Watching people casually belittle and humiliate their spouse is not fun.
Just start calling him Mr. Perfect. Every time he bashes on his wife, say that’s right, Mr. Perfect, you’ve never broken a dish, or forgot something. Or something along those line. Sounds like a puff puff here or gummy there, might be just what the Dr. ordered.
I feel bad for his wife especially, but their kids too. The behavior he’s modeling for them will likely end up with another generation of abusive behavior. Frankly, I’d refuse to visit them at all, and if it becomes an issue in your relationship, maybe you’re better off without that in your life. NTA
Nta
You don’t have to spend time around people that undermine others. On the surface (harhar) everything looks great, except it doesn’t…does it?
I’d be very careful about calling him out publicly (with the word “narcissist”). Talk about specific behaviors instead. It can be hard for people to understand or see what’s going on, as you’ve witnessed. People like that are very good at what they do.
What you’re describing sounds awful for his wife. One of the problems in that dynamic is because everything looks so perfect, the wife is probably gaslighting herself about what’s happening. I’m sure she constantly hears how “lucky” she is from the people around her (and from him in private!). Which is an awful place to be.
Even saying something privately to her, letting her know that someone sees her, might be helpful. Understand though, that if he is indeed what you think, you have to tread carefully.
It is extraordinarily difficult to extricate yourself from that sort of dynamic, especially with kids involved. My instinct says to stay out of it, and to avoid him when possible. He sounds awful.
Your friend is an asshole. Your brother-in-law is an abusive asshole. Your boyfriend is a clueless asshole. Your boyfriend’s family is far too comfortable with abusive behavior directed at their daughter. Training the kids to abuse their mother is also abusive to the kids, not just the mother… I would reconsider this relationship. That would save you the trouble of having to micro-dose in order to tolerate the situation, and I can tell you straight up that won’t help much anyway. It ain’t going to go away. NTA
He sounds like an insufferable AH. It’s really draining to be around people like that. NTA
NTA I don’t know if he is a narcissist, but he is most certainly abusive to his wife. Abusers like him-charming, educated, successful, affluent, accomplished-they use that shiny aura of excellence to fool people, justify their abusive behavior and manipulate the victim into accepting the abuse. His wife probably has no self esteem left at this point, he constantly tells her she’s lucky he puts up with her, if she leaves him she’ll be broke bc no one will hire her, she can’t do anything right, no one will love her, he’ll keep the kids because she’s not a good parent, the kids will choose him etc.
I don’t blame you for not wanting to spend time with him, it’s just…an awful situation. This is your boyfriend’s sister, and she needs help. Talk to your boyfriend about this. Does he understand what you 2 are seeing? Is he willing to educate himself about spousal abuse? Does he understand that abuse doesn’t have to be physical (although you never know what’s happening when you aren’t there). When he sees and understands, then he can start offering encouragement and help to his sister. Or does he just not give a rat’s ass about his abused sister? That would be very telling too.
You can also encourage her while also indirectly calling out BIL. “Beth, it was nice of you to offer to take the food out of the oven.” “My bf just broke a dish last month, no big deal. Here, let me help you sweep it up”.
NTA can you make plans with island kids and leave your husband to hang with bil? Or you and sil go do something different your husband wants to also visit with the kids? Sounds like sil needs a break so maybe you can build up a friendship with her while giving both of you a break from bil.
I would make sure SIL has your contact information in case she ever decides to leave. The husband is working very hard to make sure it’s difficult for her to do so with keeping her pregnant and a caretaker of small children with probably no time to herself, little sleep, and little self-confidence with the ongoing attacks on her emotional well-being.
Maybe you can slip her the link to the free online book “Why Does He Do That,” and she might see herself and her husband reflected in the case studies.
NTA… Instincts don’t lie. not sure about THC but its best to have your wits about you When interacting with this person.
NTA. This behavior sounds abusive. If he does this IN FRONT of people, what is he doing in private?
NTA
Let’s start with the small thing – what kind of friend threatens to tell everyone around you if you choose to microdose pot to cope with anxiety of dealing with an asshole???
That’s not a friend!
But your bigger problem is that your boyfriend isn’t at all bothered by the way this guy treats his sister, doesn’t notice the way he treats you, and wants to hang out with them frequently.
This is a good look at the rest of your life.
And this is the guy your boyfriend admires…
So this is the guy he wants to be.
How long will it take his family to wear you down until you accept the same treatment that his sister does?
Is that something you want to stick around for?
NTA. I’ve learned to trust my gut with shit like this. If you feel like someone is being performative and fake, it’s probably because they are.
I would be doing EVERYTHING IN MY POWER to try and get that wife the fuck out of there. I would put aside my unease and ick over the situation to slowly, subtly do my best to undermine that man. He’s abusive, plain and simple. He’s abusing his entire family, and your BF’s family is allowing it to occur in front of their eyes.
NTA. BIL sounds like an abuser in training, if he isn’t already. I’d extricate myself from that situation.
NTA, but you need to drop the interfering rat mutual “friend”.
The idea that your “friend” would not only dismiss your legitimate observations, but threaten to call you out if you choose to use drugs to help yourself bear being in his presence, is super gross. In your shoes, I would do it anyway, and if she followed through I would say, loudly and blandly, “Yes, we discussed this, I told you it was the only way I could fucking stand him. Also, you suck. Never talk to me again.”
Your BIL is the worst. Everything you mentioned about him gave me huge ick. I recommend looking up “greyrocking”, and practicing that behavior when around him. From how you describe him, it will really upset him, and that’s the least he deserves.
Nta. Sounds like my ex husband, all the way down to making fun of her while still somehow looking like the good guy. Also. Why the hell would your friend say something if you used thc? Why snitch on you for being uncomfortable? Doesn’t seem like your friend.
Your description reminds me of my friend’s abusive ex. I fucking hated that man. Constant subtle digs, making her the butt of the joke.
Depending on how close you are, you could broach the subject yourself, ask your boyfriend to have a convo to make sure she’s okay, or verbally push back every time you see it happen. Another commenter suggested calling him “Mr Perfect” every time criticizes her for something dumb. That’s a good one. You could also say something like, “Was that necessary?” or “What an unkind thing to say.” Embarrass him, cause he deserves it. Or if the kids are present, turn it into a lesson. “See kids, everybody makes mistakes sometimes, and that’s okay! Let’s all tell mommy, ‘it’s okay! We love you!’”