I’m not entirely sure if this is the right place to post this, please let me know where is better if not. All names have been changed for privacy. I (25F) and my husband, “Beavis” (25M) have been together 5 years and married 2. I have been struggling with some insecurity issues in my marriage and I need some unbiased outside perspectives please. The insecurities started around when I was diagnosed with some medical issues. However, it has now sort of exploded into another issue entirely which is what I’m here to talk about. Beavis has this female coworker he’s friends with. They text each other, follow each other on socials, tag each other in posts and comments. It started bothering me when he started talking about her a lot. It started to make me uncomfortable and we had a conversation. He apologized said he would change things. It calmed down a bit but then he started up again with her. We had another talk to which he told me something like “She has a bf and I’m with you” and once again said changes would be made. Reddit, I’m sure you can guess what happened. Well he still texts her, tags her, etc. It hasn’t gotten better. It has gotten worse. Now Beavis is talking about her even more than he used to. Every time he mentions her name, he gives me this look as if he’s trying to gauge my reaction. I don’t even know if he realizes he’s doing it. Not to mention I decided to remove her from my socials for my own boundaries and sanity. The same day, she texted him asking why I removed her. Then he came to me asking. It felt like in that moment he picked her over me. I felt like I had no other choice and I added her back just to avoid more problems. One time he even asked our landlord about openings for her to move into the building. Just a few days ago he was showing me something on his phone and a notification from her popped up on screen. I feel like she has invaded my home and my husband. This has really been affecting my mental health and our relationship a lot. I have been having anxiety attacks often. I have convinced myself I am not good enough for him and he prefers her to me. She is a bit younger than me, she is much prettier, and they share these jokes I don’t understand. I am just scared he is having an emotional affair. I know it’s nothing physical. I have his location (he has mine too) and he doesn’t really do much but work and come home so I know nothing physical has happened. It has gotten so bad I have actually had panic attacks during intimacy bc I thought he might be imagining her instead of me. I have started to push him away. If he gives me affection or tells me he loves me I just sort of shut down. I don’t know what to do. I have thought about talking to him again but idek if anything will change bc so far it hasn’t. I have thought about leaving him. I don’t want to admit that bc I really love him and want things to be normal again but if he doesn’t want me I don’t want to hold his happiness back. Do I sound dramatic? What do you think I should do?
TL;DR: I feel crazy about my husband having emotional affair with his female coworker and I don’t know what to do
Comments
U need to sit down and draw firm boundaries with your husband and his “friendship” with her. Explain how his relationship with her makes u feel. If he chooses to cater to her feelings over yours?? Then it’s time you reevaluate his position in your life. He’s your husband and should ALWAYS choose you. Good luck✌️
You’re not being too dramatic, it must feel really hard to have your husband actively ignore your requests for respect in your relationship, but maybe he doesn’t see it like that? Idk. Maybe if you phrase it like disrespecting you then he’ll get it. That is so wild though, I know people say that people can be friends with the opposite sex (if they are hetero) and like sureeee I guess… but with how much he is talking with her that is like best friend territory and considering that he met her AFTER you all were already married and together idk it’s sus. I would be pretty upset if my boyfriend was laughing and joking and texting constantly with a female coworker, and if I told him it was upsetting me and he didn’t prioritize me in that moment… that would hurt so badly.
Idk have you hung out with him and her together? Maybe if you try to get to know her it won’t feel as weird/bad?
Also maybe talk to a therapist about it all? That might help.
From an outside perspective just from what you’ve shared, it’s really sus behavior from him, like you said he’s not cheating, but he is putting a lit of energy into this other person, and that’s not cool, especially if it’s upsetting you.
Does he have other guy friends? I could see if he had like no friends and this was the only person outside of your relationship he connected with how he would want to defend that connection. Idk sis