As the title says my wife (28f) wants to take a break because she can’t be happy when I (30m) am around. About a month ago she had brought this up and had gone as far as a full break up plan, not just a break. She had said she wasn’t happy, so naturally I asked her if her unhappiness was with me and our relationship and she had said yes but made it out to seem that it was due to me not doing enough stuff around the house and that it felt like she was the only one building this home (we bought our first home in April). So I promised her that I would do more, and do the things that she wouldn’t have to ask for, and everything she would want, and I did.
Things got better, we started to see a couples councilor because during that first conversation it felt like a lot of things can be resolved with counseling. We had our first sessions a couple weeks later but didn’t get into anything deep. Things seemed good though and we worked on the things the councilor suggested.
That brings us to yesterday. I got home from work and she was on the couch and she had tears in her eyes and said it was a hard day. I asked what happened, if it was work related etc. and she said not really. She then began to read a definition. It was the definition for people pleasing and at the time I didn’t know that. She then went on to say though things had been better than they ever lately after our last talk she was still unhappiness and it’s because when I am around all she can do and think about is making sure that I am happy (the people pleasing) and that she neglects herself and her needs because of it. This caught me off guard because of two things I don’t really ask for things from her except to be present and communicate (she was diagnosed with BPD both of which are tough for but she really tries to do them) and the things that she said she does for me as people pleasing I thought were just things partners do for each other like if one person has a bad day you try to cheer them up, doing just acts of kindness for the other etc. She then said that the biggest people pleasing thing she did for me was marrying me in the hospital room so my dying mother could be there. She said prior to that she started to have doubts about wanting to get married but thought it was just because she was struggling with her own mental health.
She then went into about how my presence annoys her because she feels she can’t put herself first, once again I said that I have never asked her to put me above her. She said she feels this ball in her chest that just feels awful but she doesn’t know how to deal with it while I am around. She said she wishes that she had something stable and reliable in her life and I said that I am here but that wasn’t enough…
We kept talking all through the evening, I told her that obviously I want to be with her but I am no longer scared to lose her because the last time this conversation happened she hurt me pretty badly, she admitted that maybe this is some kind of self sabotage, and that maybe because she is actually at a stable point in life (we have a house, marriage, two cars, both have careers) that she needs the next “high” to chase (she had addiction problems in her teens) in life. Lots of tears were had and more word said.
This morning we wake up and talk a bit more and she asks me to go stay with my dad for a while. This kinda broke me because I on a personal level don’t believe breaks work. But I want her to feel better and if I can’t be around for that then I guess I have to go. We still have to lay out the ground the ground rules but so far we have no contact, and that she has to accept that I may not want to come back to us. I am picking up my stuff after work tonight and I will bring up more stuff. We have another counseling session on Tuesday so maybe that will help.
Has anyone been through a break in marriage before? Has anyone else experienced this in a relationship with a BPD person?
I think I really needed to vent, but any advice is welcome.
TLDR, my BPD wife is unhappy because she puts my happiness above herself and has asked me to move in with my dad so she can see if she can figure out her unhappiness without me around.
I love her with all my heart and I don’t want to lose her but I know that this is something she needs and even though I am begging her to let me in I don’t know if she ever will.
Comments
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We’d like to take this time to remind users that:
We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors
We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.
Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users “friend-zoned”, referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me’s, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.
All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don’t get a free pass.
Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, “body counts” or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.
If you have any questions, please message the mods
This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
BPD… Almost never works out. She is checked-out and just looking for reasons and trying to get you to make the call. She will get the house, and the car, and probably most of the other assets. Better lawyer-up fast.
This is not a wife. This is a nightmare
I think this is the most jumbled up, incoherent post I ever read. Do you think you could just give us the Readers Digest condensed version?
Dang, man. I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through this, especially when things seemed to be getting better. I think you’re doing NEARLY all you can right now.
I’m not going to say, “Bail on this relationship,” because that’s often the go-to advice people get on this sub. But I will say that both you and your wife need not JUST couples counseling, but also individual therapists. And y’all need to start individual therapy if y’all aren’t already in it ASAP.
She’s unhappy she’s should leave
Going through a similar situation now since May. Let me tell you how it plays out.
She claims house was abandoned and gains for legal rights to live in the house or get more of the houses equity in the divorce.
I wish I had spoken to a lawyer sooner and them tell me no matter what you do don’t leave the house.
If she’s unhappy, she can leave.
It sounds like you didn’t do much to contribute to maintenance around the house until she had a serious talk with you. It’s possible she has been burying her feelings about this for a long time. It might be too late to restore this marriage. I suggest more counseling (couples and solo with a different therapist).
Is she on meds? She may need them to balance her out. Sounds like she is going through a tough time but leaving you is not going to help or make it better
She needs better bpd treatment as she is destroying both of your lives. Breakup’s seldom work so the writing may be on the wall.
Go ahead and give her what she wants. Hand her divorce papers and be done. She is trying to tell you she’s not happy with you. What’s worth saving? Find someone who misses you when you’re gone..not that hates being around you.
You deserve better, mate.
She needs meds and therapy. She’s going through a mental health crisis and this sounds like a HER problem to fix.
Yeah her brain is broken and you are in for a world of hurt if you choose to hang around, she is a time bomb that will keep going off.
I guarantee she is fucking around with someone else.
OP do not move out! If your wife wants a break then she can be the one to move out. Then consult with a seasoned divorce attorney to find out your options. It sounds like she’s intent on blowing up your life so there may be nothing you can do other than protect yourself from the fallout as best you can
I’m sorry. I had a relationship like this. I was just living life, doing things together, and he resented me because he was making himself be more like me and was losing his identity. He broke up with me because he didn’t know who he was anymore.
I, of course, didn’t ask him to do that and didn’t know he was unhappy. I thought we just liked the same things, and he didn’t have the mental space (grad student) or the money (again, grad student) to plan dates.
It’s really hard. It’s painful. But it’s for the best to not be with a person that can only see you negatively, as the thing keeping them down. They have to realize on their own that it was their doing.
My first thought is she’s having an affair with someone else and wants you out of the way so she can date him. If you do leave, make sure you have a formal agreement that you will not see other people. I would also hide a camera to see who is coming and going. But, if she’s unhappy, make her leave.
Your best bet is to just file for divorce. She’s checking out of the marriage and you deserve better. Updateme
sometimes people are going through some shit and it doesn’t have all that much to do with you. like maybe you probably should have been keeping up your end of things in the house to start with, and a ton of m&f relationships see issues with this. but when that’s the actual problem, the solution is simple- start keeping up your end of things- and it usually works when the solution is correctly applied.
you’ve done that, and you’re in counseling, and she’s still unhappy and having regrets. she has some mental health struggles that are obviously going to make things harder for her no matter what either of you do- this is the point where it feels like she’s simply going through it, and her unhappiness is not really tied to you or anything you can do. i will say in my own experience with someone who had BPD, it was unhappiness when i was there and unhappiness when i wasn’t. he eventually left, but then he was unhappy when i moved on with my life. it wasn’t tied to me or what i was doing- it was internal. that’s something the person experiencing it has to grapple with themselves, you can’t really do a whole lot to influence the situation at that point.
Keeping your wife is not your choice to make. She has already left and is not capable of coming back. Divorce your wife and if you are a relationship guy, find someone else that is able to be happy themselves. Next time, screen out mental disorders such as BPD and Bipolar. You have tried that once and have found that you cannot please these people.
Be careful with leaving the house. She could claim abandonment and get more of its value if you guys divorce.
So if you decide to do a break, file for legal separation to keep your finances separate so she can’t screw you over.
Ask her who the other guy is.
I’ll be blunt, and you’ll see examples of this on the bpd loved ones subreddit…
Break + BPD = she’ll likely end up cheating on you during this break. Even her language about you not being the presence she needs in her life is telling.
She may have grown up in an abusive household and had to always keep other,people happy,or she was punished or demeaned. I don’t know the answer but some grace.
Don’t leave your home. If she is unhappy then let her leave. You have done nothing wrong, almost everything she mentions is a problem with her, how she feels, what she wants etc
Honestly, I would go with a bit of shock and awe. Give her exactly what she is asking for. Ask her to leave, tell her you’ll contact a solicitor about a divorce, go minimal contact and do not be there running to reply as soon as she gets in touch. Don’t just let her drop you and pick you up as she pleases.
This doesn’t just show her what separation and divorce is REALLY like but it helps you, because you are becoming a focus for all the negative issues she has with herself and placing blame on you, that harms you as much as anyone. Who can really recover from being told that their partner.
She has bpd. Leave.
I know this is difficult for both of you, because you obviously both do care about eachother. But years of resentment from suppressed feelings aren’t just going to disappear simply because you guys are finally starting to make changes. And both of your feelings are valid, wether you understand eachother or not…but people feel how they feel, and they don’t necessarily stop feeling that way just because an environment or situation changed. The damage might be irreparable. You are both different people and need to find out who you truly are as individuals.
I’m sorry this is happening to you. There’s no such thing as a break… just separate and follow through with the divorce. Unfortunately, in many cases, a break is just an opportunity for her to go out and explore with other people; if the grass isn’t greener she’ll come back to her second choice, which is you.
You may as well get divorced or change your ways but if it’s sex why she wants a break just leave that marriage
Dont leave the house. If she needs space she can go to her parents. There is no break in a marriage, thats just a nice word for separation. She needs therapy and might want to talk to her doctor about the BP meds… the eight ball says… things aren’t looking good
I’m divorced from someone with BPD (who refuses treatment). There are no meds for it; only comorbid conditions can be treated with medication (anxiety, depression). If your wife isn’t dedicated to treatment, this is a lost cause. It takes 8-10 years of dedicated therapy to MAYBE hit remission (there’s no cure, just remission).
Did you know about her diagnosis when you married her? Was she upfront about it? Has she ever sought treatment?
Honestly, it seems that the very stability you’re providing is a trigger for her. Look up fear of engulfment, which opposes fear of abandonment, yet BPD causes a flip from one to the other. You really, really need to read up on BPD. If you don’t have kids, do NOT get her pregnant.
I’m sorry you find yourself in this position.
I’m sorry to hear about all of this. It sounds like she has a LOT of mental health work she needs to get through before she’s actually ready to have any kind of healthy relationship at all. It’s good that she broke things off with you instead of cheating, though. It sounds like she is trying to do her best to work through this hurting you as little as possible. It but be only a small comfort, but at this point that may be the best you’ll get.
You are correct to believe that “breaks” don’t usually help restore relationships. If I were in your shoes, I’d use this time to get a lawyer and a therapist and begin to prepare—legally and emotionally—for your marriage to end.
A (cough cough) “break” IS a breakup. Your wife has been clocked out of the marriage for a long time now so why aren’t you listening to her? It doesn’t matter the reason now you’re jumping through hoops hoping and forcing her to stay, “See I’m better now right?”.
Stop just stop. If the spark is gone for her then it’s gone. It’s not genuine anymore. Get ahead of the inevitable and contact a lawyer so you know your options and to protect yourself.
I’m so sorry that this is happening to you but it’s time to go. She has decided that you are public enemy #1 it’s not worth it for you to stay 😔. I hope that you are able to find someone who loves you implicitly and that you won’t have to worry about her changing her mind so much.
She’s still gonna be unhappy after she gets rid of you. If she can’t be happy with a supportive husband then she won’t magically be happy alone. It’s unfortunate but it’s a her issue not a you issue. She needs to do some inner work to learn how to be happy with herself, because that’s the ultimate problem.
I was a couple years older with two kids, same story but without BPD.
My personal experience tells me this relationship is over not matter how hard you try. It’s okay if you want to fight for your marriage but she’s giving me the “I’ve been checked out for a couple years” vibe.
Can you ask her to leave the house, since she’s the one that wants a separation? I would try and turn this around to IM open to a separation but here are my terms.
See what she does? I don’t want you to bend over backwards this women as she walks you down the slaughter house like my ex did. (We split everything 50/50, hurt for a few years, happily remarried 5 years later!)
How she’s feeling is classic BPD. Your only option is to continue intense therapy and try a separation.
I think the core issue might actually be that marrying you on your Mom’s death bed… It sounds like she did something she didn’t want to do and it’s basically haunting her
You’re done move on sorry to put it so bluntly.
As a psychologist, she is going through an acute mental crisis. Don’t abandon her now. She is going through “splitting” probably from childhood trauma. She desperately needs Dilalectical Behavioral Therapy, emotional support and not a divorce is the answer.
She needs to learn a new coping mechanism.This includes learning how to recognize triggers, regulate emotions, deal with self harm, feelings of isolation and loneliness, and seeing people in a more balanced way.
Sorry you’re dealing with this.
I am curious why you chose to enter a relationship with someone who diagnosed with bpd?
There are so few happy or healthy outcomes.
Seems like you’re destined to split because she’s unhappy and unwilling or unable to get her medications lined up.
My niece has BPD. Their relationships tend to be chaotic. They tend to be selfish. Her personality at any one time is a reflection of whomever she is with at that moment. She is often unhappy and blames everyone and everything around her. She really has trouble seeing her own part in her unhappiness.
You made her get married in a hospital room???
Sounds like she’s just been with you because she felt like she had to. This is most likely over.
That being said, don’t leave the house. She can leave if she can’t stand to be near you. But if you leave, she doesn’t have to ever let you back in. Even to get your things.
Go see a lawyer before you even think of moving out. Even temporarily.
Why are you leaving the house when shes the one whos unhappy? Do not leave the house. If she wants space she should leave.
She hella needs some therapy. She may be losing herself in “people pleasing” but that is a her problem, and not in any way your fault. Also, I would say that like the small things you mentioned ARE things that partners in a relationship should be doing just out of love and caring for their partner? Hmm. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
This story is a bit triggering because I had an ex who told me similar things that your wife told you. I did not react to the conversation with maturity like the OP but needless to say, I broke up with her after the break. I broke up with her because while we were on break, she went to numerous sex parties and participated in the majority of those parties. I found out from a mutual friend of ours and witness my ex acting like she did not have a boyfriend at all. Ironically, I was happier once we broke up and I disappeared from her town.
It’s not your responsibility to make your spouse happy, you can add or subtract to their happiness.
Whatever you decide, be honest with yourself.
OP – I’m so sorry that you are going thru this. Please remember to take of yourself too. A couple of things I thought about.
Is she doing any type of treatment?
I personally don’t think you should move out. I think she should move out because she is the one that is unhappy. I think it’s important for her to feel how uncomfortable a break is.
Speak to a lawyer just to see what your options are and have it ready to discuss if she talks about a divorce. I believe this will show her that you taking everything seriously and although you love her, you do have to protect yourself.
If both of you decide to try again it should be mandatory that she has to have treatment to help navigate life so she will not struggle. She needs to learn to have conversations in the “moment” then waiting for them to be overwhelming and she shuts down.
It really boils down to how she navigates life with BPD. Is she allowing it to run her or is she taking active steps to control it. And for you to also implement some of the things she needs from you. Maybe work on breaking down the “people please” feeling. Find out what her love languages are and try to give her that.
This just says she’s dumping you
Sounds like she wants out. Making up little things to eventually push you out of the marriage.
Or she wants you away for the week so she can have an affair.
Either way she isn’t being honest with herself or to you.
She doesn’t want a break she wants a divorce. She has been trying to hint or push you towards that for a while. Her BPD and people pleasing might not allow her to actually say she’s not happy, she doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you and she doesn’t want to hurt you.
Move into a different bedroom. Consult an attorney before moving out and start the process of divorce.
Or you can continue the cycle where she tells you she is miserable, you so therapy and make changes that will never be enough because she doesn’t want to be there.
Feel this is her BPD based on what was written. Have yet to meet a person with Dx with that, that does well with it longer than a month or two on meds. Ik of one that doesn’t take their meds and stay clear if them.
Feel if she is wanting a break and you are good, you shouldn’t need to leave where she can. You are doing what you said you would it sounds.
I hate to say this but it sounds like she made it to the resentment phase before she spoke up and you made changes. Once you get there it is VERY hard to come back. She feels like you are doing more because she asked you to, and it won’t last. The best thing you can do is give her space and show her those changes are things you are still doing without her being there to “ask” and hopefully she will appreciate that.
OP, your wife has BPD, and if she’s not having really good and consistent treatment, I’m reading classic symptoms of her bpd sabotaging her life and your relationship. Please make sure she is not alone and has community and help.
BPD is really hard on the person and their relationships when it isn’t in remission. Please, it sounds like she’s struggling to know who she is, and based on how things are going…. her symptoms are getting worse.
I hope things go ok for you both. This is not easy for either party
Sounds like she met someone and wants to wander. This is an excuse on her part!
The thing is by the time a woman speaks up it’s been dead. She had to tell you to help around the house. It wasn’t natural for you to be her partner. A lot of times men only do the work when the woman finally decides she’s leaving. Instead of loving her enough to pay attention to her while the relationship is going on. Then they’re blind sided as u/burbnbougie would say.
Do not move out of the marital home. She wants space, she leaves.
>she asks me to go stay with my dad for a while.
Before doing this you need to book a consult with a divorce attorney. Depending on your location you might be giving up a ton of rights by leaving the marital home.
At this point a formal separation might be best to protect both of your interests.
I know you want to reconcile, but in trying to appease her you might be seriously compromising yourself financially in the long run.
At the bare minimum write out that you are leaving the marital home at her request and lay out the financial obligations of each person and both sign it.
Wherever we go, there we are. So your wife’s unhappiness will continue whether she’s with you or not. She needs to make her own medical care, individual therapy & getting well her priorities. You can’t fix this.
Don’t move out as she could claim abandonment. See an attorney, & get a divorce.
I might be misreading it, but you make it a lot about “her condition”, her issues, etc.
What about your issues? She says she is stressed around you, are you hearing her at all?
Marrying in hospital room so your mother could be present is a huge thing she agreed on.
I know you say you never asked her to put you first. But actually in a healthy relationship partners often end up putting EACH OTHER first.
I get a feeling you are listening to her, but not hearing. And it has little to do with her disgnosis, she just doesn’t feel heard.
What did the couple counsellor say?
I rode the BPD rollercoaster before in a ~2.5 relationship. Lots and lots of ups and downs, was tough when relationship ended, but eventually I realized I was soooooo much better off. I’m sure you love your wife, but the problem with many people with BPD is that they don’t love themselves and therefore are not well enough to be in a relationship that could never have any semblance of stability.
Edit: check out the BPDLovedOnes subreddit if you haven’t already. Suspect it’ll be an eye opening experience that sounds very familiar.
The cynical interpretation is that she wants you to move out in order to more easily get the house for herself in the divorce.
I’m sorry, but to me your wife seems really really selfish. All her problems are of her own doing. Nothing you have really done. You’ve tried to do better- but she’s the one causing the issues. Not you. And you can’t fix that for her. And she doesn’t seem to want to fix it. She wants to blame everything on you- say that you are the cause of her unhappiness and you put pressure on her and you do this and you do that- she’s not taking any accountability whatsoever. There isn’t anything you can fix or do- these are her issues. But that doesn’t leave you with alot of options. All you can really do is accept her decision. You know if you’ve done everything you could do to make this work- and that’s all you can do. You can’t make a marriage work by yourself. You’ve stepped up and tried to make changes and accommodate her. I don’t think you can fix this. I think she’ll keep moving the goalpost. You are set up to fail. It’s a no win situation for you. I’m sorry, but you just have to accept it and try to move on best you can. She’ll regret it later.
Don’t go to your dad’s. If she wants this separation, she needs to get off her ass and leave.
Sorry to hear that but why the fuck are you leaving? The one with the problem should leave the house.