Hi folks,
Throwaway account for the usual reasons. I (30m) have been with my partner (30f) for a few years, living together, not married. That’s my first serious relationship.
I am considering ending the relationship with my partner because of her controlling behaviour, feeling unsafe and in general growing apart over time. Only very recently I realised the situation I was in by speaking to close friends and family who pointed out how unhealthy my relationship is.
Here are some of the issues in my relationship which often cause conflicts with my partner and would like to understand if I’m unreasonable expecting all that freedom or my partner is being controlled with her responses and actions:
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she insists on having full access to my phone and finds it normal to go through my social media account when I’m not in the room. Trying to set a boundary and ask her to stop doing it often gets turned against me as living a secretive life and not allowing her being a part of it.
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being able to see my location at all times, always expecting me to text her n number of times during the day regardless of how busy I am at work.
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regularly asking who I’ve been talking to recently and what for, getting upset when I don’t retell her the whole conversation or if I’ve talked to someone else more than her that day.
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any decision I make such as agreeing to meet with a friend should be discussed with her before I’ve agreed.
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spending time with colleagues, my friends and family alone. I have only a few friends who live busy lives and we are able to meet once a month or so. What is more I tend to spend every weekend, evening and holidays with her – just us two, none interrupted time. That often involves going out to parks and walks, playing sports we both like, visiting events and exhibitions etc. When I want to arrange something with a friend (m) that’s often met with resentment, silent treatment, crying and questions such as why I don’t want her there and why do I prefer spending time with them and not her.
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enjoying my hobbies (football and cycling). Same as above, commuting to a game of football (a couple of times a month) or going for a ride is often questioned and not received well.
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travelling without her to visit my family
To be fair, she almost never said explicitly that I am not allowed to do some of the above, however, me choosing to do them is often met with outbursts of anger, a lot of crying and accusations that I don’t love her, me being selfish and just unreasonable to expect that I can do such stuff in a normal relationship. For that reason I’m generally afraid to raise desire to do those activities and choose to keep quiet and avoid conflict by rejecting spending time with friends, family and doing what I enjoy. That has caused me to lose friends, get detached from my family and has impacted my position at work.
Please help me understand the position I am in and I will appreciate any advice.