I’m not sure if the title alone is enough for so many questions I have and advice I’m seeking from the community.
I just saw a very relevant post but a vital detail in that post was unrelatable so couldn’t pick on the advice there and the comments are blocked so had to make this fresh post.
Me (29 F) and my husband (30 M) dated for 3 years and have been married for 3 years now. We’ve always had problems from the very initial months and the marriage has only been making it worse.
At this point we have been through a lot. Family issues and we don’t talk to each others parents. I celebrate festivals at our home mostly and maybe a day at mums and he spends at his parents, termination of pregnancy, separated for a month and so on.
The most recent one that messed up big time for me is when he called out I lost my virginity to my ex boyfriend (only one) before him during a heated conversation. (So much to talk about this alone) but this post isn’t about that. My husband came after my one serious relationship and 6 months into the relationship, I told him about it before anything went beyond kissing and hugging
We haven’t spoken to each other in 4 weeks except for a couple of times for the most basic stuff like keys. He had sent me a text message the day after the fight that he’s sorry he brought up my past and he didn’t know he was still not over it. He wanted to talk that morning but I wasn’t feeling okay about how he made me feel so shitty so I didn’t reciprocate.
We haven’t spoken or even touched each other in a month now. I really really miss the feeling of being in his arms and feeling his breath on my skin. I don’t want to sex with him coz him treating me like my worth is shit only cuz I had intimate relationship before him was just so disgusting and disrespectful. (I’m an Indian and here ppl of parent’s generation expect ppl to wait till marriage)
With so many other issues I’m considering divorce seriously
I’m struggling between
* I never want to have sex with him coz how can I to someone who still isn’t over my ex. Ewww..
* I really have hots for my husband and want a good steamy sexy night with him coz l’m craving for intimacy
Which one of this is the right thing to do?
Also, we have gone upto divorce so many times in the past for really dirty, horrible reasons. Ppl who know us closely don’t think we even are meant for each other and we feel the same but have been fighting against it saying we love each other too much to let go.
At this point I don’t want to love him anymore and I don’t know if I love him anymore. But most of these times, my sexual desire for him has been the biggest driving factor for me to reconcile.
Am I pathetic here? Not sure if this is relevant info but my husband isn’t conventionally hot or handsome and ppl say he looks way older to me but oh boy, I find him the sexiest.
On the other side, I’m considered conventionally attractive.
We have the best time in bed whenever it happens
I have now started to think if I love him anymore or am I again convincing myself only coz I can’t imagine having se with anyone else but him
And I feel I will throw my sex life out the window if we ever decide to part ways. At least for a veryyyy long time. This makes me consider staying in this marriage. Guys please be kind and don’t judge me here.
Please help me help myself
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Please go to therapy before you make a life changing decisions
He still is your husband. You have not cheated on one another. Family issues can be mended, or not, but are secondary. When you marry someone, you create your new inmediate family.
Other stuff I don’t know if you can fix, because you have not told us in detail.
My advice, is to go talk to him, put all the cards on the table, write them down, so you do not forget anything, and try and make this work one last time.
He isn’t over your past? Why does it matter what you did before him? Efff that guy, I can’t stand that. I bet he hooked up with other girls but you can’t have that same respect from him. That’s soooo annoying
You’re describing a complete lack of intimacy in your mariage, so it makes perfect sense that you would be having these feelings.
Go ahead and have sex, but definitely not until whatever issue occurred is resolved and repaired. The oxytocin and dopamine from sex can act as a bandaid when there is a lack of repair. Learn about resolution and repair (Jimmy on relationships is a great source because of the role playing aspect). Send husband videos of the videos that resonate with you. Set a time to try to resolve and repair, and then if it goes off the rails stop and take a break. Try again when you’re both calm.
Sometimes apathy is comfortable and if you’re comfortable you can have amazing sex.
But that’s where our hearts can confuse our heads. Do you think your husband is capable of giving you the life you want if you were to reconcile? Will sex just put off the inevitable breakup?
Sex is one thing. Marriage is another. You can be sexually compatible but not be compatible in other aspects of your marriage. Seperate the two. Pursue divorce if he is not the correct choice for you. Sex is not a foundation for a marriage. I am sure you can find another sexual partner. For marriage you need someone who is compatible.
He would need to get over his insecurity, otherwise this will be hanging over both of you. Who cares that you has someone else. He apparently does it for you, and you are right… not every guy will be able to do that. But that also doesn’t mean there isn’t another guy out there that can and do even better with everything.
If this was the only issue, you should try couples therapy. If every day is a battle or you are walking on eggshells, get out. Even if the sex is good, you will resent him and it won’t matter.
They both need to go to couples therapy.
I recently had something like this happen to me. I’ve been practically begging for intimacy and affection for at least a year. Just started a job ( I’ve been a sahm for a long time) and the first night I came home I found him in bed with my daughter’s teacher. I feel your pain and I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You’ll find someone who will love you the way you deserve to be loved I’m sure of it. Good luck.
You’re husband needs therapy to get over his shit with you having had sex before you met him. He needs to unclutch his pearls. Majority of women at the age of 23 when you two began dating, had at least one sexual partner. You also need therapy.
My calm rational side agrees with people recommending you try therapy before you give up, buuut it kind of sounds like he doesn’t see the issue? In which case therapy won’t help, you both have to be open to change and want to work on things, only one of you doing the work won’t fix anything.
So the emotional side of me says it’s better to cut your losses rather than investing any more time and emotion into a man who doesn’t see you his wife! as his immediate family! Love isn’t enough to sustain a marriage if you don’t also have respect. You should be a team. And sex also isn’t enough to maintain a healthy relationship. But it can be enough to sustain a bad relationship for a LONG time.
So really think about what it is you want and if your husband can be the person to help you get what you want or whether you’d be better off trying to find someone else who can. There’s no shame in walking away from a marriage that isn’t working, it’s a courageous thing to do.
Your man’s a narcissistic boy child…..
It’s hard for us to comment as most of us live in places where the culture is very different, but it sounds like you still have feelings for your husband to me and none of the things mentioned are necessarily things you have to end your marriage over if you don’t really want to. It’s super hard getting over the termination of a pregnancy, and I don’t know what circumstances that happened under, but “good” ones are enough to put serious pressure on a relationship. If you do genuinely intend to divorce, you should try to stay clear of having sex with him though as it will really mess with your head
You met him when you were 26, you had ONE sexual partner before him, and he’s mad? Lmao
29 and slept with only 2 men in your life – one of them being your husband, you might as well be a saint. He’s going to have a hard ass time finding someone with a lower body count than you that isn’t a minor.
One of your options gives your couple a chance and guarantees a good time, the other guarantees a failure of your relationship and lots of resentment. Your choice!
It’s your husband. Go get laid
No, you aren’t pathetic. At all. You’re physically attracted to him and have a good sex life; it’s normal to want intimacy with someone you have physical chemistry with even when there are other relationship problems.
Sometimes, despite ourselves, negative things can be an aphrodisiac. It’s why some people like to fight and have makeup sex. It’s why some people describe increased desire after being cheated on or surviving a harrowing situation together. It’s how trauma bonding works. It’s worth looking into. If you don’t have access to therapy, there are tons of therapists and researchers online who make content about this (plus a lot of filler garbage, so try to stick with content from professionals lol).
If you do have sex, try not to let it distract you. You know in your heart whether you love this guy or want to work it out or if you guys are all wrong for each other. Have you been able to talk about this WITHOUT fighting?