I feel terrible just saying that, and I don’t subscribe to usual gender roles but I’ve grown increasingly sad thinking about this.
A little background. I (f 29) grew up poor, like lunchables for Christmas poor and come from a family where everyone was on government support and I decided I didn’t want that for myself. I still struggle but everything I have I have fought and suffered for. I live in a little studio and work as a tech in the medical field. I don’t have a car but I am working on it.
My (M 29) bf lives with his family. He grew up rich and recently received a $xxx,xxx payment from his parents to “start his life”. His family pays his phone bill, buys his clothes he doesn’t pay rent and he has a car. We’ve been together for 3 years and for those three years, he makes me uber to his house because I live far (about a 21 minute drive away). To uber to his house it’s $30 there and $30 back. I’ve never protested this because I was always taught you sacrifice for the ones you love but recently I’ve thought about it and it makes me sad because given our situations, isn’t it normal to offer me a ride? Or am I thinking too much into this.
Comments
You’re welcome to share with him that you want to continue visiting him, but without a car, you’re unable to afford continuing to uber to and from his place.
You could offer to work with him on figuring out how to resolve this issue in a way that works for both of you.
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Stop Ubering to his house. If he wants to see you he can pick you up or come to your place. Remember, he’s sacrificing nothing for you. Next time he wants you to take an Uber tell him you can’t because you’re saving for a car.
I think he should definitely respect your situation and atleast pay for the rides to his house. It seems to me he maybe doesn’t understand you enough to think about that,seeing he comes from a family who’s rich. Maybe try talking to him about it,maybe bring it up in a conversation,because if you’re bound to live together at some point (if things even get that far in a relationship) it’s his duty to be man of the house,and even now it should always be a duty to also take care of you financially if he has th chance
He doesn’t pay rent and you live in an efficiency. He is an asshole if he expects you to spend $60 to visit him. You need to sit down with him and discuss the difference in your financial positions. He should be paying for the Uber as well as things like dates. If he accuses you of using him for his money, tell him to look at the past 3 years. You only sacrifice for the ones that you love if they are in a worst position than you.
When my ex and I were in college, I lived off campus and he lived on campus, so, in the beginning, whenever we wanted to see each other we would uber alternating trips, for example, I would uber to visit him and he would uber me home (so that he knew I got home safe and to split the cost). After having a bad experience with an uber driver, he started ubering with me home and then ubering himself back to campus so that I wouldn’t be harassed anymore.
None of this was ever formally discussed, it just kind of happened. No need to discuss finances or morals or anything. It was really sweet.
He’s a selfish AH. He should be driving to see you since he has a car. Why do you have to go to his house all the time? Why can’t he come pick you up and then take you home?
It sounds like Richie Rich Boy hasn’t even clocked that’s a financial issue for you, and is also being a bit lazy and selfish. Pull him up on it. “It’s too expensive for me to uber to yours and it’s not fair that I should always be the one to travel. How can we make this more fair and financially viable for me?”
His response will tell you a lot about the longevity of the relationship and his financial teachability. Because he might be better off right now, but you’re the one with better financial sense. And there’s nothing like someone with no fin sense to ruin a future with careless entitled spending.
Ignore the commenters who think men should be providers. You don’t want to be a dependent and you don’t want to compromise your hard-won independence. You need a financial equal, which means someone who’s financially astute or open to learning.
So, people who grow up in wealthy families have NO IDEA what living on a budget is like. He may not even understand that $30 each way to visit him regularly is a big percentage of your income. He may not realize that you don’t have a hefty bank account. And even if he *knows* that, he doesn’t understand that. At all.
You need to tell him (even though maybe you shouldn’t have to teach him this) that you are really trying to save money for a car, and that $60 every few days is adding up to quite a lot. Then, ask him if he would be willing to pick you up or come to your house or even split the Ubers.
This is a bit of a test for both of you. To have a healthy long-term relationship, you NEED to discuss finances. It can be complicated when the incomes/resources are wildly uneven. If you can’t navigate this, you’re going to struggle with a bunch of other things later. Like, living together – he can afford way more house than you can, so how do you split that up? (Hint: proportional to your separate funds is the fair thing; he can live in a place where you can afford half the payment, or he can pay a bigger share to live in a more expensive place.) How will finances be shared when you get married? Etc., etc.
He knows you know about his big cash infusion and that he has lots of money. It’s going to be burned into him from birth/generations back that women from lower income brackets are going to want his money. You don’t sound anywhere near that, and I hope he feels that in his bones, too, but you DO have to talk about reality and the future. Start small, with this topic.
Why can’t he come to your house? He has a car…
Um …. Stop ubering to his house?
You care more about him than he does about you. He’s not sacrificing anything for you and he seems indifferent.
what the hell, making you do all that work and pay all that money in order to get to him, is actually quite cruel.
if he did not know your situation I wouldn’t blame him but because I do know your situation, it makes me think there is a real element of sadism in your relationship, and that he is getting a kick out of being with you and making you pay for things that you can’t afford.
You also are drawing all the wrong conclusions, all of those Ubers should have been split at the very least, as you are doing in the favor of going to him. It could even be considered that you’re paying with 30 minutes of your time, so he should pay the damn Uber!
I would go through your upset about this and then ask him very calmly at a specific time and place of your choosing, how did he actually think about that kind of thing? doesn’t he realize he’s making you have hardship? when he thinks about that hardship is he happy? if so, why?!! if not, then why would he let you be paying for all this?
I think you should go through your entire relationship with him – is he really making you split dinner payments with him too, when all of his dinners are God damn paid? check into if he is just a clueless idiot, or if this is some sick game of his, making you pay for things when you can barely afford it, and knowing your background..
I truly think you should have review your relationship with him, OP and see if it’s as benign as you think it has been. if you are this submissive about everything it might be some weird kink of his.
Don’t forget, you are your own center. You can deal with this whatever the situation.
Is he paying for the Uber?
Stop doing it. Tell him if he wants to see you, he can come to you.
You live 21 minutes away, and he won’t pick you up or come to you? That is lazy and ridiculous.
He should offer to pay considering all the money etc. He gets free.
You put up with 3 years of this cruelty and just now are thinking its not okay?
What a sick fuck he is. He’s straight up financially abusive to you. He has a car and can’t drive to see you? He can’t pick you up or at least pay for your ride?
What makes him so special that you’d pay to come see him both ways? Does he ever come to you or give you a ride home? It’s beyond sick to be so entitled really.
I’m totally pissed for you. You need to rethink this entire relationship honestly. He has to show this kind of distain for you in other ways. I’d break up over it.
He does not love you if he’s making you do that, especially if he knows your situation. Dump him