We have been dating for about two years now. We are in college and I just feel so lost. I feel like I am his mom and I am having to take care of the relationship, and it is getting frustrating. I make him food, I make his plate, I get him up in the morning, and if he looses something I usually have to find it. There are a few more things, but I can come back and edit this when I remember. When I tell him this, and how I am concerned it is going to make me changed my opinion of our relationship and I don’t want that to happen, he just replies back with how he feels like my father. How he has to take care of my emotions and deal with my decisions. It makes me feel so guilty. When we get into arguments, I always feel so guilty and get so scared. I apologize to try to fix something, and things go back to normal, but then it repeats.
when I say that I feel unappreciated because I do a lot of the chores, he replies that I don’t see what he does for me. He says thank you, but never once does something without asking me. He asks me if I want something to drink or eat when he goes and gets something but I do that too. Yet not once has he done the chores without me asking or without people coming over.
This relationship just doesn’t feel like dating and I just feel like his parent. I don’t know what to do. We also live together and our lives are so intertwined with each other. I feel guilty wanting to stay home or do my own thing because I don’t spend enough time with him when I am around him constantly.
Is it worth it to stay in this relationship when I have been working so hard to make this work?
Feel free to ask questions, I am pretty good at responding.
Edit: we do live together
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Not worth it
So… when you respectfully and honestly express your issues with your boyfriend’s behavior, he makes you feel guilty for it, and blames you for calling out behavior you know you don’t like?
>Is it worth it to stay in this relationship when I have been working so hard to make this work?
OP, this relationship can only work if BOTH of you want to make this work. You’ve described issues with your boyfriend’s behavior that he refuses to take responsibility for, and instead blames YOU for taking issue with him.
You’re hitting your head against a brick wall, hoping that some day that wall’s going to turn into a fluffy pillow. It won’t.
>We also live together and our lives are so intertwined with each other.
When you have time, take a breath, and consider what steps would need to be taken to detangle your lives from each other. Feel free to loop in a friend or family member you trust, if you’d have difficulties with this on your own.
so you bring up a concern and deflects. there’s a difference between emotional support (what he claims he does) and doing everything for someone (what you’re doing).
move out
Just stop, stop with the mom behaviors. He needs to take care of you for a change or at least even the playing field. If he can’t do that, if he can’t step up I’d can it quits. There are few things that are more ick than a manchild. But you are partly to blame by continuing with the mommy behavior and resenting it, so stop.
Stop. What? Everything, just date. Don’t do anything else. He wants to go out, let him call you. Watch him throw a tantrum. Confirming what you already know, he is still a boy, and yes…you just took over being his mom. It was comfortable for him. It will either be an intervention for him, or he will end the relationship because he needs another mommy.
It is not worth staying. Until you can make that decision though, just stop doing everything. Stop cooking for him. Stop making him a plate. Stop getting him up in the morning. Stop doing his laundry if you do that too. Make sure to tell him you are not waking him up anymore, so if he is late, it’s on him. Let him deal with everything like a grown up. But seriously, can you imagine doing this for the rest of your life?
Unless you’re into some kinky mommy dynamic, it doesn’t sound like this relationship meets your needs. Ok to move on.
Not excusing him but you can only control your side of the equation. Part of the problem is you being an enabler. You don’t “have” to do anything, I bet it’s just easier to do it than hear him complain. If you are sick of doing something just don’t do it. Let him be late, let him feed himself.
A secondary issue is that once you stop seeing him as a competent adult, that kills attraction. You need to figure out if you still want to be with someone who has trouble adulting.
Just stop doing all those things. Why do you have to make his food/plate, and get him up? You don’t. And he’s saying that to gaslight you and make you feel shitty so you won’t leave him so you’ll keep being his mommy. He’s an enormous loser. Dump the dead weight.