Hi! 50 yo woman, married over 20 years with three teens and two dogs. I work outside the home full time and husband works from home. Last year his mom wanted a travel companion so he joined her on a 15 day international trip. During that time, he missed out on our oldest child’s senior events (final concerts, prom, etc) and Mother’s Day. It was super stressful having to run home mid day to take care of our dogs and make sure all the balls stayed in the air, but I thought it was a one time thing so I toughed it out. Now, she wants him to do something similar around the same time of year this year. AITA for not feeling like it is not really respecting our family and my career and role as a wife and partner? When he returned the first time I let him know how difficult that was for myself and the kids and said, “please don’t do that to me again.” I never bothered him with things while he was traveling because I wanted him to enjoy that time with his mom. But now I am getting annoyed and hurt.
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Hi! 50 yo woman, married over 20 years with three teens and two dogs. I work outside the home full time and husband works from home. Last year his mom wanted a travel companion so he joined her on a 15 day international trip. During that time, he missed out on our oldest child’s senior events (final concerts, prom, etc) and Mother’s Day. It was super stressful having to run home mid day to take care of our dogs and make sure all the balls stayed in the air, but I thought it was a one time thing so I toughed it out. Now, she wants him to do something similar around the same time of year this year. AITA for not feeling like it is not really respecting our family and my career and role as a wife and partner? When he returned the first time I let him know how difficult that was for myself and the kids and said, “please don’t do that to me again.” I never bothered him with things while he was traveling because I wanted him to enjoy that time with his mom. But now I am getting annoyed and hurt.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA
Did he ask if it was ok to go? Maybe take a month of your own since he’s able to you know?
INFO: Have you suggested that they schedule the trip when the teenaged kids are out of school?
NTA. Your husband does not need to be going on 15 day vacations that do not involve YOUR family. He especially does not need to be going on them when it leaves you hanging and trying to manage everything that you do AND that he normally does with no help. His mother needs to find a travel companion her own age and your husband needs to stay home till you can all go on vacation together.
Apologies, I am fence sitting here, just felt that I needed more info.
Do you like your mother in law? Before this I mean, and if not, why not? have you kept him away from her previously or does he feel that way?
How does your husband get on with your mother? Do you put pressure on him via that relationship making sure that your mother gets treated well?
Sorry for the questions.
NTA – I am assuming you didn’t get a similar break, and it sounds like he never bothered to make up Mother’s Day to you?
He needs to tell his mom no until you are in a place where you can have a similar time off experience.
NTA – you probably need to sit your husband down again and have an open conversation about all this. Perhaps if he is to go he could lighten the load by taking some of the kids with him? Maybe a compromise that would enable you to have some kind of getaway yourself and leaving the responsibility of everything on him? Just sounds like he isn’t understanding of the difficulties in the situation he left you in last time. Might also be worth mentioning it to your MIL and give her a better understanding of what it does to your family dynamics. I wish you luck and hope you can find a solution for yourself and your family.
INFO: what reasons did grandma & your hubby give for taking a trip during those important events? She wants him to go on another long trip, what’s his reaction this time & why can’t you also go?
NTA
He missed a few important events, and left you handling everything. That’s not a good thing.
It would be different if the trip was happening during a non-eventful time.
Yeah he gladly went on that trip because he wanted a break from everything and everyone. Women get shafted when it comes to having kids.
NTA. I had a partner who said he wanted to go on a lengthy “once in a lifetime” dive trip with his buddies. We never did vacations longer than 5 days because he couldn’t take time off work but for this he could take two weeks. Fine. I wished him well. Then a year later he and his friends decided to go on ANOTHER “once in a lifetime trip”. I seethed but fine. Year three, I dumped him. Because, like your MIL & husband, they turned “once in a lifetime” into “annual trip”. And I wasn’t included, and in fact it was to my detriment of having to not only make sacrifices while he was away, he also now didn’t even have time for our trips. Talk to your husband now and let him know, this is not an annual trip. Or it will be.
Is he an only child? Is his mom single? I don’t think I would begrudged my spouse going on a trip with their parent, especially if the parent is older and probably doesn’t have a lot of time left.
Sounds like Mama wants this to be all about her, not you or the kids. Missing Mother’s Day, oldest child’s final high school moments.
Is no one else side-eyeing this dynamic? Grandma needs to take a class to meet people or make some church friends. It’s a little bizarre to leave your wife and kids at home to travel alone with your geriatric mom every year.
I went with my mother on short trips (7 to 10 days) when she was living. I’m so grateful my spouse was supportive of that. However, it seems inconsiderate of her to choose this at an inconvenient time. Maybe she could take the grandchild who graduated with her. Seems she just wants him to herself which I totally get. I’d love to have 1on 1 time with my sons too. But they have lives, jobs, families and responsibilities and I would not ask them to give that up. Can you get a neighbor or friend to check on your pets? Car pool with other parents for school events? Have groceries delivered if needed? She won’t be around forever so he may really want this time with her. What does he say about your feelings?
NTA sounds like you all need to sit down and talk about when is acceptable to leave and for how long. Perhaps agree to let you go on holiday, with a family member or friend without him for as long, to balance it out.
There’s got to be give and take. I let my husband tour with a band in South Africa for a month when our eldest was about 6 months old. He let me take a 16 day cruise and land trip to Alaska with a friend of mine in 2016. It can’t be every year. And it can’t eat up all the family budget, both in dollars and vacation days. Most of our trips are together. You’ve both got to communicate expectation without anger…grandma may need to tour with someone else this next year.
NTA. If he goes again he needs to cover daytime dog duties since he normally does them by paying for a dog walker to come by AND you get to take a girls trip and leave him with the kids and household duties.
NTA
He’s married to you, not his mother. Time for him to act like it.
I don’t think you are an AH to prefer him not to go, or to find it hard to do everything alone. But this is something you should talk to him about. His mom is aging and lonely, and would find it hard/lonely to travel alone, so I can understand he feels pulled to go with – especially if it gives him a break from his normal routine. But you guys need to talk about it together and agree how to make it work for everyone.
NTA
He has a choice.
He either is a husband and father.
Or he is a little boy with no responsibilities spending time with his mum.
He is failing his children. They will remember his absences at important to them times. They will remember he prioritised spending time with his mum over them.
He is failing as your life partner. He didn’t reschedule, knowing this would be a busy time with everything falling on you. He chose to spend precious paid annual leave with his mum over time with you.
There is something rotten in the state of Denmark.
His mum isn’t dying.
You need to have an honest conversation in a quiet place without the children in earshot, at a time when there aren’t time pressures.
Why is he checking out like this?
Does he like the children? Or just the obligatory parent love only?
Is he happy in your relationship?
Are there health or money worries causing him to want to check out of being an adult like this?
Is he feeling overwhelmed with life?
You need to be honest with yourself too. Are you happy?
Only talking without shouting or getting defensive will help find out the root cause, because this isn’t normal.
Find some fun things you both enjoy doing, whether it’s cooking a meal together with a bottle of wine, whilst the children are asleep, or going for a walk together with a light picnic or joining a social group for a joint interest, such as tennis or pickleball or birdwatching. Research babysitters and get some costs, so that you have a system in place for a regular childcare that isn’t all on yourselves.
Work out ways you both can build your social time outside of being mum and dad, because if nothing else, it will help bring your relationship closer. And give you both things to look forward to in your normal day to day lives.
And he needs to draw a line with his mum who is wildly overstepping. She needs to find the courage to join social groups and make friends. To find group tours for the over 70s for holidays. Not fall back on the easy option of her son as her friend amd companion.
Your husband needs to take the lead on this.
He needs to tell his mother that he cannot take such a trip during the school year.
If he won’t do that, he’s prioritizing his mother over his wife and family – and you need to tell him that.
NTA.
yeah, once was the limit.
you already said “please don’t do that to me again.”
Maybe you should go on an international trip with his mother
Absolutely NTA here. You already communicated how difficult the last trip was, and your family’s milestones and responsibilities matter. It’s completely reasonable to expect your partner to prioritize your family and respect your role. Traveling internationally during important events shouldn’t come at the expense of your household and kids.
This is a tough one. I’m assuming his Mom is paying for it all? If so it’s hard to pass that up if these trips are not in your family’s budget to do on your own. On the other hand it’s really unfair to you. He’s using his vacation time on someone else. He’s leaving you with extra work etc.
His mom needs to join a ladies travel group if she wants to keep travelling and not stealing your family’s time and energy.
I wonder if your husband was the golden child and that’s why his sister stopped engaging with the family. Seems like an odd dynamic with his Mom
NTA.
I don’t know how much annual leave he gets… but surely he should spend *some* of it with your family, particularly as it sounds like you are in your last years of ‘all under one roof’.
And… he should tell his mum “My kid is graduating and I have these events, if we are doing this trip it needs to be at these other dates that won’t clash” …
And … you deserve a couple of weeks off too. Tell him that “Ok, but first let me take two weeks in Fiji and then you can tag team out” and go away without pre loading hte fridge, setting up the school calendar for him to know what is on (just give him the log in and password to the communication app), or doing the washing. Let him work it out.
In general I don’t think it’s a bad idea for him to go on a holiday with his mother. I’ve been on a few trips with my mom and now that she’s getting older I’m so happy we had that time together.
But they need to go at a time that’s convenient for the whole family. He can’t be missing important events in the kid’s lives. He also needs to work with you to find ways to handle all the household stuff while he’s away. His holiday shouldn’t make your life harder.
Separately, i think he also needs to tell her this will be the last time, that while it’s fun, it also takes away from his family. I would suggest looking into tour groups for her for future holidays. There’s lots of small group holidays now, some specifically for women only, older ladies etc If she wants to travel she needs to find similar people to do this with, she can’t rely on your husband as her companion.
NTA, not until he takes YOU on a 15 day international trip! Seriously?
NTA. At all.
If he goes, pick two weeks when you know the schedule is packed and head out on a girls’ trip or by yourself.
I doubt he will bring up traveling with his mom again. NTAP
I guess I feel like if he’s gonna go, you should get to go away for 15 days, too. I’m not sure that it’s really about how hard it is when he’s gone – tell the kids to find their own rides or not go to sporting events for that time period, or better yet take some time with your kids to do something special when they are gone. Hire a dog walker and let your husband know he needs to pay for it.
But take some time yourself, too. Sometimes not letting someone do something is not about jealousy but envy and putting too much pressure on ourselves. If your life currently requires 100% from both of you, don’t expect to run at 100% when he’s gone. And if you would never consider taking two weeks off from family responsibilities, maybe you should. Plan it. Make it happen.
My dad is older and we do solo trips.. I’m so grateful that his wife is ok with this and I try to do things for her too, when I can.
If it sucked for you that it was mother’s Day when he was gone, tell him that. But if it’s losing out on him being at a few games when at the end of the day he will make the other hundred games, I don’t agree with that.
YTA – you are being ridiculous. He doesnt need to be there for prom or your 18th mothers day.
NTA, but I think the big question here is — does he understand how hard it was for you last time? Does he feel at all bad about how much his holiday cost you personally? And what is he planning to do this time around to make it less stressful on you?
These are all questions to ask him. Because it’s one thing to want to support him in doing something cool with his mother, but not at the expense of your family of teenagers.
THIS TRIP IS NOT FREE if you have to set yourself on fire to make it happen for him.
Don’t approach the conversation as ‘you can’t do this,’ approach it as a problem you both have to solve together. Layout what you’d need this time to make you feel OK about him leaving, with particular note of what tasks you’d need covered by someone that isn’t you (and honestly isn’t the children because making teens do things is harder work than doing it yourself). Lay out the costs for a professional dogwalker, and what other assistance you’d need.
Point out that there’s no actually way to make up for the sense of abandonment you had, or the important milestone events he missed last time.
And then add to the list when in the next 12 months you will be taking a full two weeks to do whatever you want. You can do it in smaller chunks if you want. Maybe take a class, or arrange some getaways with your female friends, or just straight up get a hotel room and a pile of new books to read or shows to watch. He will be on full parenting duty during that time.
NTA. Tell him he needs to wait until school is out AND pay for a pet sitter/dog walker to come to the house and manage the dogs.
Put your foot down. Let him know that he is taking away from his children by catering to his mother and her demands. Let him know that she was his nail he married and then you and his children should take precedent.
Honestly you sound really selfish. Your kids aren’t toddlers. Many people have dogs and both partners work outside of the home. Your teenaged children can feed/walk the dog/s. My guess is you resent MIL which is sad. Most people would be delighted their partner had such an opportunity knowing their parents won’t be around forever. Sure it would be great if you were invited, which I think it more the issue, but make plans with your own parent or parents.
NTA but honestly, did you get to take a break and go on an international trip while he got to take care of the kids for 2 weeks, after he came back? Has he ever taken you on a two week trip to explore or even relax together?
Im sorry op but youve been secretly married to a mommas boy. Yes shes getting older and he may not have that long left with her.
But hes disrespecting you for her.
I always foster a great relationship with my husnand and his family. When his mom’s in town. He goes to private lunches with her. Monthly bonding time at the range with his dad. Id never interfere with that time. But thats 1 day.
My husband would be insulted to leave me with all the work for 2 weeks. To go enjoy himself and vacation and party up with anyone while I am stressed and holding the fort.