Last night, my three friends and I were outside smoking and talking about work and college. At one point, one of my friends mentioned she was excited to make new school friends. My gay friend immediately said, “Oh, but don’t make friends with any fem gays.”
Clara asked him, “Why not?” and he replied that he just hates “gay fems.” My other friend Christy looked confused and turned to me, asking if there was some reason fem gay men aren’t liked in the LGBTQ community. I told her I wasn’t aware of any reason and that I didn’t understand why he felt that way either. I asked him to explain, but all he said was, “I just don’t like them.”
I told him that was odd and reminded him that he used to be a fem gay himself. He admitted that was true, so I asked him why he would say he hated them now. He went quiet, then mumbled that it was just his opinion. I told him it was a very ugly opinion. Things got awkwardly quiet after that, and we headed inside. He later tried to talk to me again, but I was still bothered by what he said.
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Last night, my three friends and I were outside smoking and talking about work and college. At one point, one of my friends mentioned she was excited to make new school friends. My gay friend immediately said, “Oh, but don’t make friends with any fem gays.”
Clara asked him, “Why not?” and he replied that he just hates “gay fems.” My other friend Christy looked confused and turned to me, asking if there was some reason fem gay men aren’t liked in the LGBTQ community. I told her I wasn’t aware of any reason and that I didn’t understand why he felt that way either. I asked him to explain, but all he said was, “I just don’t like them.”
I told him that was odd and reminded him that he used to be a fem gay himself. He admitted that was true, so I asked him why he would say he hated them now. He went quiet, then mumbled that it was just his opinion. I told him it was a very ugly opinion. Things got awkwardly quiet after that, and we headed inside. He later tried to talk to me again, but I was still bothered by what he said.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because I directly called my friend’s opinion “ugly” instead of letting it go. That made things really awkward and he stopped talking. I could have ignored it or tried to be more understanding, but instead I confronted him and it came off harsh.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. He was being a bigot and you called it out. Friends call out when their friends are bigots
NTA
Internalized homophobia is still homophobia. Someone had to call that out.
Sounds like he had a bad experience
Next time you speak with him, apologize for calling his opinion “ugly.” That it was not appropriate. But you want him to know that, whether he is fem gay or not, that however he presents himself, you like who he is as a person. And you hope he will think about getting to know someone first before saying he doesn’t like them because of how they are currently figuring out the world. The fact that later, he wanted to talk to you, could have been him reconsidering what he had said.
A frank discussion is always good. Demonstrating a no-judgment opinion will help him to open up.
NTA. That he doubled down on the reason being one that comes from genuine hatred, rather than some sort of joke (which it could have been interpreted as at the start), makes him automatically the asshole. I don’t think you calling out hatred as ugly is in any way a bad thing to do. There might be more to his opinion than he was willing to explain, but any sort of hatred for an entire group is usually based on either an incorrect generalization, or a bigoted one.
NTA. He hates them because that’s what he was until he suppressed that aspect of himself. There’s no deeper hatred sometimes than self-hatred, but when he spoke it, he externalized it. It’s fine to tell people that you’re not a safe space for hearing their own bigotry. Have compassion for his own self-loathing, but it’s fine to not accept him generalizing beyond himself.
NTA. Femphobia is a thing in the LGBTQ community, and you were right to probe. Internalised or not, it is discrimination.