As the title says.We’ve been together for 4 years. I (25F) found out by accident. I am crushed. He never cheated so that’s why I am so confused as to what to do. He had feelings for her for about a year and he swears that he figured out that it was only physical attraction by the end and he doens’t want to break up with me over it. He’s been devestated about this for quite some time, and he says that he already cut the connection in his head even before I found out, but my trust is shattered. My question is how can we reapir this relationship?
I really feel like I still love him through this and I was pretty happy with our relationship. We’ve always been friends first and honestly, I even feel a bit sorry for him for how much he suffered through it.
I will go to therapy, I can’t sleep since I found out. And I am here because I don’t have anyone else to turn to.
TLDR – bf in love with someone else for a year, we’ve been together for 4 years. He never cheated and already cut the connection. We want to repair our relationship, but what are the steps to doing it?
Comments
Hey, I’m really sorry you’re going through this. It’s so tough when someone you trust has feelings for someone else, even if nothing physical happened. The fact that he’s cut ties and wants to work on you two is a good sign, but rebuilding trust takes time and patience. Therapy for yourself is definitely a great call, and maybe consider couples therapy too—that neutral space can help you both communicate honestly without defensiveness. Also, be gentle with yourself; it’s okay to feel hurt and confused. It’s not an overnight fix, but with effort from both sides and clear boundaries, it can get better. Sending you strength!
Sounds like you’re a placeholder until he finds “the one”. Sorry babe.
” I even feel a bit sorry for him for how much he suffered through it. ” hes probably. telling u how much he feels guilty for having that physical attraction. Its all lies babes.
Leave him. Wtf is “he doens’t want to break up with me over it” Hes the one that did something shitty and he thinks he has the authority to leave or not leave? Byee
Your trust in him is also gone at this point, so just leave him and save some time, and headaches
You either accept the wound and rebuild trust together with clear boundaries and time; or you give each other grace, end it, and stop bleeding each other further.
What are these replies?
To me, it sounds like he is handling this the mature way. Even in a healthy long term relationship (I’m talking marriage life long) I’d say it’s almost inevitable someone will develop a crush at some point. You can’t always help feeling the butterflies. What you can do is choose how to deal with them.
You can dive in, cheat and be an asshole.
Or you can contemplate, make your decision and live with the consequences. It sounds like he chose you, did not engage with her and is distancing himself from her, etc.
I’m not saying it isn’t hard or that therapy might not still be a good idea (I’m also just a huge advocate for therapy regardless). It’s a difficult situation that will require honest and open communication. But in a way, no trust was broken?
That’s so nice he doesn’t want to break up w/you even though he claims to be in love w/another woman. Such a great guy. You’re soooo lucky!
Girl, please. Don’t ever settle for being someone’s second choice. I know it hurts to hear someone say this to you, but you need to dump him to preserve w/your own dignity. He does not deserve your pity or compassion. Cut him loose & go find someone better. He’s no prize.