I’ve been a smoker since I was 17. It started as a dumb “cool” high school habit, but by the time I hit my 20s, it was just part of my life. My girlfriend (25F) and I (26M) have been together for 4 years. She’s begged me to quit more times than I can count. Her dad passed away from lung cancer, and she’s told me how much it scares her to watch me head down the same path.
Here’s the problem: I’ve tried to quit for her in the past patches, gum, cold turkey and every time I failed. Seeing her disappointment broke me. So a couple of months ago, I decided to try again… but this time I didn’t tell her. I didn’t want to raise her hopes and then crush them if I failed again.
I tapered off with a vape, swapped my smoke breaks for morning runs, and suffered through the withdrawal on my own. Somehow, I’ve made it 7 weeks with zero cigarettes. I was planning to surprise her once I felt confident it would stick.
But the other night, she noticed I wasn’t stepping outside anymore. She got suspicious, asked if I was hiding something even hinted at cheating. I panicked, and finally admitted: “I quit smoking. I didn’t want to tell you until I was sure it would last.”
I thought she’d be happy. Instead, she got angry. She said I shut her out of something important, that she’s been crying thinking I was distancing myself from her, when really I was just hiding withdrawal. She told me it feels like I didn’t trust her enough to let her support me.
Now she’s barely speaking to me. I feel awful. I wasn’t trying to deceive her I was just scared of letting her down again. But now it feels like I’ve done exactly that, only in a different way.
I love her. I want her to understand that I was trying to protect her and not exclude her, but I don’t know how to repair this.
How do I approach this conversation without making things worse?
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I understand she wants to be part of the journey but realistically she needs to think about her own actions towards you. I think it’s a little selfish that she’s making it about herself when you are the one celebrating for recovering from addiction
That’s all you can do man.. “I’m sorry I hurt you.. I never thought I would hurt you by doing what I did. I wouldn’t have done it that way had I realized. I understand full transparency between us is really important to you, I commit to not keeping anything from you from now on. I swear, I didn’t imagine this happening. My intentions were admirable.
What a selfish reaction.
She should be happy for you instead she’s made it all about herself and is gaslighting you into believing you’ve actually done anything wrong here apart from put up with such childish behaviour and attitude.
She needs to grow tf up and support you when YOUVE decided you need support.
And her thinking you cheating is no one’s problem but her own. I’m sorry but the reasons for the suspicion is stupid and pretty much down to you changing routine in your own home.
You didnt do anything wrong
If there’s anything I’ve learned about women it’s that they want to be included in your emotional life. I can see why she felt excluded. Even if you’ve disappointed her with failure before, being included in your struggles and emotional journey are the things that actually bring women closer to you.
“I love her. I want her to understand that I was trying to protect her and not exclude her, but I don’t know how to repair this.”
If there’s anything else I’ve learned about women it’s that making them understand your feelings and intentions in a situation is the absolute worst way to approach a repair. The best way is to make them feel that you understand their feelings about the situation, and have a way to express that you won’t affect them in the same way again.
I do understand your position and sometimes it can be really frustrating an feel very unfair dealing with women because they often just exist in a somewhat different reality from us.
You’ve said that you don’t want to disappoint her again, so it sounds like her desires and expectations regarding smoking are a heavy weight for you. Maybe this time you wanted to quit for yourself, so to make it work you had to keep it close to your chest. She might want to be there with you and help you, but in this circumstance her involvement actually makes it harder for you. That doesn’t mean you don’t love her; it just means that this is something you needed to do for yourself. I’ve been married for 23 years and part of our success is knowing not everything can be shared with a partner.