Hi everyone,
I’m 30F and my partner is 30M. We’ve been together for about eight or nine years. I’ve never posted on Reddit before, but this topic has been on my mind so much that I really need some outside perspective. I can’t easily talk about it with friends because it’s very intimate and it also involves personal information about my partner that I don’t want to share in my real life.
Recently he opened up to me about a fetish he has, called “bimbofication”. It means he’s sexually attracted to the idea of a transformation into a hyper-feminine, plastic-surgery type of look, like big lips, large breasts, heavy makeup, long nails and so on.
A few years ago I had a breast augmentation. It wasn’t extreme, just a small change. It was partly something I had already thought about because I was bullied when I was younger for having small breasts and I’ve always felt self-conscious about it. But his preference and the subtle pressure from him definitely influenced me. I probably wouldn’t have gone through with it on my own, and even though I’m mostly happy with the result, it also hurts to know it wasn’t entirely my decision.
When he told me about his fetish, he said it’s not that he dislikes my body as it is, but that he is attracted to the process of transformation itself. He mentioned smaller things too, like fake lashes, nails, tan, but he also said he finds fuller lips especially attractive.
I feel completely overwhelmed. I’m a very natural type of person and I barely wear makeup. I’ve had fake nails before because of him, and while I didn’t hate it, I was glad to stop. I’ve never really liked the “done” look of lips and it’s only recently that I even started to notice how common it has become.
He told me he doesn’t want to pressure me into anything, but I still feel like that already happened and that it might happen again. At the same time, I notice how quickly I start to adapt, trying to find reasons why it might actually be exciting or interesting to try this version of myself. I tell myself it could be about growth or confidence, but deep down I don’t know if that’s really true or if I’m just afraid of losing him, trying to please him and betraying myself again.
I don’t know how to handle this. How can I figure out what I actually want, separate from what he wants? And how can I talk to him about this without it turning into guilt or pressure again?
Any advice from people who’ve been in similar situations, or who have experience with appearance-related pressure or self-worth issues in relationships, would mean a lot.
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I have a mild attraction to this. I used to be way more curious when I was a kid. Right when I first started looking at porn, it was just so shocking the size of some of these girls tits. The idea that they specifically wanted to look like that thru surgery makes me excited because I immediately start imagining the girl as hyper sexual.
I get it’s overwhelming, but make sure he understands you have no desire to do any more plastic surgery. Say you hope he appreciates your tits because they were his idea.
What he’s into is pretty much unrealistic to expect to have happen in real life.
He is watching way too much porn. It creates fetishes you normaly wouldnt have. When i stopped also my New fetishes disappeared. He should rather stop watching porn (also for his own brain)! There is a very good book about it: Your brain on porn.
Uhm, this is… a lot. His kink should not come before your autonomy. Your life is more important than the degree of pleasure he feels in the 5-45 minutes it takes to ejaculate. And is it really a fetish if it’s about your life, 24/7? Not to kink shame, but he should be able to explore this fetish in the bedroom and not make it about irreversibly changes to your body. Like, wear heavy make up and go full drag queen in the bedroom, if you consent, but don’t actually live your life that way unless it’s a life YOU want.
When it comes to a fetish you have to be completely comfortable with it. I think that’s the one thing that is all or nothing because it involves such an intimate part of your life. He is your partner and it’s good that you’re being open minded and hey, maybe trying new things (not surgery obviously) would turn out to be fun. However, even the slightest bit of discomfort (which you’ve already said you have) will fester and cause resentment. A fetish is just a fetish, it’s not the end of the world so if you tell him that you’re uncomfortable with it then he should be mature and understanding enough to not go on about it (and yes, going on and on about a fetish that you’re uncomfortable with can feel just as bad as being blatantly pressured).
What is really interesting to me though is that it took him nine years to tell you.. sure things like that can be embarrassing and take time to open up about but nine years??? Can’t help but feel like there’s a slight lack of respect when someone waits that long to divulge something like that to their SO. Really not my place to say though since I don’t know him. Be honest with yourself and be honest with him. A strong relationship should be able to get over a fruitless kink.
Sounds like it’s not just a little thing he’d like, such as maybe you could dress up like a Harajuku girl for his birthday and make him happy. He’d like to see you go down the slippery slope of becoming artificial.
Thing is,
Nails and lashes could be a fun treat if you were into them, but some mods you don’t come back from.
there’s so many women who are actually into all of this stuff that he can easily find someone else who’ll show him how to type 120 words/minute with 2.5-inch nails.
I kinda find it disturbing that he specifically likes the idea of you, a natural sort of person, undergoing the process. I mean sure, you could go all Devil wears Prada if you wanted to, but what he’s proposing isn’t necessarily a more professional or confident look, or something that would help you climb the career ladder, just a turn-on for him. So yeah, maybe I’m misinterpreting but I find it very off-putting.
What do you think you need to figure out? You’ve spent the last 8 years with this person being exactly who you want to be. You prefer a more natural look on yourself and keep makeup to a minimum. Why is that not okay now just because he said he prefers another look? Don’t let him cause you to doubt yourself and who you are. Be honest, tell him you like yourself the way that your are , that you don’t like fake lashes and fake nails and that he needs to accept you for you!
Talk to a therapist. This is his fetish or kink (fetish implies he needs it to get off?)
You seem unclear if you can hold your boundaries around what you want vs what he wants and that’s what I’d suggest talking to a therapist about.
If you want to play into this during sex you could dress up, get fake lips, high heels, fake nails etc that are all temporary and you can take off afterwards.
genuinely why is he telling you about this shit unless it’s to pressure you to change. like there is no logic behind telling your girlfriend you’re super into big fake injected lips unless you are trying to get her to do that or make her insecure… it’s strange this is coming out after so many years too. has he suddenly started watching a bunch of porn or something? unless he just wants to try more makeup in the bedroom, this is strange lol
Were you always very natural? If so, was/is he complimentary regardless? Is this fetish a new thing, or has he always had it and just not shared it with you? How do you genuinely feel at the thought of putting a full beat on for sex, is role/kink play to the effect that it moderately changes your appearance a sore spot, or could that be fun for you too under the right circumstances?
I mean, if you’re willing to satiate the fetish in some way, you could let him know with very clear boundaries that you’d be willing to wear, say, press on nails, fake eyelashes and there are high street lip plumpers that work pretty well for short term effects (they can hurt a bit, some more than others) at a maximum.
It kind of sounds like this is going to wreak havoc on your self esteem, though. I agree with the other comment saying he should stop watching porn, it literally adds nothing to his life and if he is horny and you’re not around, you guys could make a video, or he could masturbate to photos of you (taken by either of you, but there’s a way that could play into his “transformation” fet, in that he could tell you how to pose for him, or i’m sure there are other ways that can be utilised to satisfy his more niche needs)
Bottom line, you need to tell him about the boob job, just in the exact way you wrote it here. He put his own superficial desires above the self worth and confidence of his woman, that is so sad. It’s great that you were considering it anyway, because I get it – my boobs are like distant cousins and I absolutely hate them; I don’t see how anyone could look at them and think “yes!”, but my partner loves on them equally, tells me they’re beautiful, and yeah, I think he’d be super excited if i got a boob job (i’ve mentioned it, he doesn’t have much to say apart from “if that’s what you want!” But he would NEVER tell me that. I’ve told him I’d want him to help me choose if I did, he said no, because they would be on my body so I have to like them. Just telling you this so you understand that it was entirely possible for him to have that attraction, make you aware, and still respect your body and love you as you come. He really fucked up there, that’s disgusting, and I think you’ll harbour some form of resentment towards him for that in years to come, if you don’t already.
His reaction to learning about the boob job affecting you how it has, and that the loss of autonomy in that decision will continue to be a source of insecurity in a situation where the procedure should have repaired that entirely, is absolutely vital. If he is dismissive, deflects, or selfish then I think it’s pretty cut and dry. If he is apologetic and actually listens and takes on the full weight of that, then you can fix this with good communication and more respect towards you on his end.
Just because people have kinks doesn’t mean u have to do them. U should talk to him and just say for now ur uncomfortable about this and don’t want to do anything about it. Later if u decide u want to do it u don’t have to get any surgery to do it or lip fillers . U can wear a lip plumper instead to make them look bigger. If u don’t want to do it later then it’s fine and he should accept that and if he can’t that means his kinks are more important then u and then ur best off without him.
You’ve been together 8 years and he’s happy with the way you are so you don’t need to change at all! I’m sure he appreciates you for you and I think daily wear is different from fetish. He’s still the same him as he’s been all this time, it doesn’t change anything because you now know. If he is unhappy with the way you look on a daily basis that’s different and you’re not compatible but from what you’ve said I don’t think this is the case. You just need to share that you’re happy the way you are and not feel pressure that doesn’t exist to change. And if it does exist (beyond your own expectations of yourself and wanting to fulfil) than that might mean ending the relationship. But I think it’s more in your own head of feeling you have to fulfil this when you actually don’t or your own insecurities of if he finds you attractive (he wouldn’t be with you if he didn’t).
If you did want to indulge him for fun in the bedroom you could do it for a night (heavy make up, stick on fake nails, false lashes, over drawn lips with a plumping gloss, clothing to match) and it all washes away afterwards and you’re back to you. You’re not making permanent changes like lip filler and surgery. I don’t think you should confuse a long term look with something you could both enjoy every now and then.
That sounds terrible. Im a very natural person too, and the idea of being pressured into changes that cannot be undone sounds terrifying. Please take care. You need to tell him that you do not want to do this, and if he keeps talking about it and pressure you about it, you might need to separate. Consider therapy, both for you so you would not be pressured into anything, and for him to stop pressuring you. Tell him to stop watching porn.
Operation like that can absolutely make you look terrible, immediately or after some time. Don’t sacrifice yourself for someone’s kink. It’s kink for a reason, it’s not the end of the world to not get it. Please protect your body autonomy.
I was into the idea of bimbofication a bit and knew another girl that was. Both of us viewed it as an objectification/degradation kink. I would be pretty careful with it as he seems to want it 24/7. I think it would be fine if he just wanted it in the bedroom – like for you to dress up in an overdone way once in a while and maybe act a certain way. But anything 24/7 can turn dangerous quickly and as this kink is very much tied into objectification and degradation I would say to be careful around your self-esteem regarding it.
Girl no, he’s trying to morph you into an ideal in his head and he should love you, not an idea of you. Believe me (from experience) this will get worse. I know you’ve been together for quite some time but you either have to leave or sit down and tell him that you feel that he’s trying to usher you into a direction you’re not comfortable with.
Yeah… no. If you wanted to change, you’d be more enthusiastic about it, not coming to reddit seeking validation. And I’m not going to give it to you. You don’t sound happy. If you like who you are and he doesn’t, he’s not the one, sis.
When I had breast augmentation, I did it for myself and with zero outside influence. I get my hair done and do my nails because I like those things. My fiancé doesn’t care at all. This is really shitty of your “partner,” to be honest. Also, most men would love to be with a woman who is confident and happy with who they are just as they are. You should find one of those men and ditch your “partner.” He’s most likely going to keep pushing you past your comfort level. Unfortunately, it sounds like he already has, too. I’m using the term “partner” in quotes because a real partner would never do this to somebody they love. Cut him loose and let him find a bimbo. But you sound too good for him and you shouldn’t let him eat away at your self-esteem.
Don’t make any permanent changes to your face and body for a man. Seriously. You don’t want to end up looking like these women on reality tv with their faces all fucked up because they got too many injections in their faces. That shit scars and also starts to look terrible over time.
If that’s the look he wants from a partner, there are plenty of women who already look like that. And I assure you that aside from what you now know he prefers in porn, most men do not actually want partners who look like that. Don’t make irreversible changes to yourself for his porn preferences. You say yourself that you’re more of a natural person who wears minimal makeup / nails / etc (same!) — you will be completely overwhelmed trying to keep up with this every day. And then what happens when he starts having a different porn preference? YOU change again? Please girl.
Your post is sad. You say multiple times that he pressured you to get the work you’ve already done and wouldn’t have done it by yourself, and that you give in to these pressures. I don’t think his pressure is “subtle” at all.
This is too much trouble, seriously. Are you hoping to get married after 8-9 years? Do you believe he won’t marry you if you don’t fit his ideal? Those goalposts will always move. Don’t do it don’t do it don’t do it. I think it’s time to take a hard look at the unfulfilling things in your relationship.
Nope
You’re no longer compatible.