My FiL, H, is in my opinion (and those of everyone else in the family) a narcissistic a hole. I could write a novel on the stuff he has pulled and then played the victim.
He is always right, and if you stand up to him he tries to shout you down and intimidate you with his tone and body language, as well as mocking to make you feel stupid.
He acted this way for years, and it was me to first start pulling him up on how he was talking to me / my husband / his then wife (MiL) and my BiL.
MiL and FiL divorced 9 years ago, whole other story but basically H was cheating and got caught out. Since then he is trying to paint himself as the victim of it all and being pushed out the “family”.
I’ve been told I have too many opinions for a woman, that I’m a trouble maker etc.
There was an incident week before last, I was not there for it, but for me it was the straw that broke the donkeys back.
H made a situation where my BiL needed his support (and everyone else’s, which was given) all about himself. He created a drama between him and his ex wife, in full view of everyone and my husband had to intervene, which is when H began his posturing of intimidation and talking down.
I don’t want to give this man any reaction or give up any of my peace but he is coming to my house today with his fiancé (someone he had an affair with 35 years ago).
My husband knows my feelings about his dad and just wants me to keep up appearances until they are married.
Has anyone else been in a situation like this and how did the handle it?
I know I’m best not giving H a reaction as that is what he thrives off, but I also don’t want him to be able to railroad people’s (mainly our) lives because he is never given any pushback as it’s “easier”.
Both my husband’s parents are problematic in different ways. It’s such a strain. It’s been 10 years (since we have been married, literally started a week before our wedding) of feeling like it’s there world and we are just living on it.
And I can feel resentment setting in, like their wants are prioritised over my (and our child’s) needs majority of the time.
I love my husband, he is a good man. I’m just tired.
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I agree, the guy could use some pushback. Unfortunately since your not a blood relative it’s not your place to talk back. So the only thing to do is not react and try not to listen. Leave the room when he starts a tirade. Ask your man why he doesn’t ever talk back to him. Cuz he’s allowed. Sometimes parents need to be served facts.
Get out of the house for the day. If your husband wants to keep his abusive narcissistic overdramatic tantrum throwing father in his life, then that’s his choice.
But you don’t have to be part of that.
If your husband wants to entertain his dad and his mistress in your home, then he has to be responsible for everything, not you.
Make a secret bingo card with a square for each item of his usual crap. Have prizes of increasing desirability for the number of bullshit items he hits on the bingo card. Let your husband know.
Make subtle eye contact with your husband as items are ticked off by your FIL. And have a good laugh about it afterwards.
You can’t fix the old guy. You might get a laugh out of it though and some treats!
You suddenly have to run an errand/have a last minute trip/waxing appointment and are so, so sorry to have missed him. There’s no reason for you to bear witness to his AHery. There’s no reason to pretend for his latest victim.
Tell your husband you love him but you aren’t setting yourself on fire to keep him warm. If he wants a relationship with his AH dad, you refuse to be offered up as cannon fodder. He should be protecting you from him.
Have you got a friend you could meet up with? Go for a walk, lunch, cinema so you’re out for the day? Even if not I’d be tempted to invent something and just go out for the day.