2 days ago somebody broke into my (23F) cellar and stole a few things – left the cellar in a messy state and also stole the key to the backyard. Immediately after discovering this, I texted my bf (21M) – terrified because I live by myself. He answered 1 and 1/2h later with “Wtf? Did they steal anything? Are you okay?” but then dipped before I could even answer – for another hour. FYI he was at his friend’s place – I still didn’t expect him to leave me all by myself in this situation. I was terrified. I told him that the police were there and that the CDI were coming to secure evidence – as two weeks ago someone had attempted to break into my apartment through the kitchen window; I told him about the stolen keys and how they broke the front door and how the police told us that they’re probably planning on returning. But he did not answer for another hour. My neighbours and friends jumped in to console me instead (and I am so thankful for them, I was so paranoid and stressed). He then texted again 2 hours later (after leaving his friend’s place) and asked if I was mad at him. I told him to go to sleep and that we can talk abt that in the morning – I saw that he was online but he did not answer. I couldn’t sleep, terrified that they would return. After that I communicated that I felt ignored and like he doesn’t care about my well-being, he got defensive and said it was just an hour. I asked him what he was doing and he told me that he ate and then did the dishes – and that he wanted to listen to my messages afterwards. That just hurt me because .. my safety comes after washing dishes? As the conversation went on (where I was just trying to communicate my hurt and disappointment) – he started saying things like “It couldn’t have been that bad if you’d rather be angry at me for that”, tellling me I’m not being the bigger person. At one point I did get irritated, as it is a pattern that he’s just not there for me when I need him. Whenever I’m at a low (or high) point in my life, he starts instigating arguments. He kept stressing how he wasn’t just off doing whatever but that he was eating and cleaning dishes and didn’t even wait with responding to me until he left his friend’s place – but isn’t that normal?? Whenever I bring up that he could’ve done both the dishes and listened to me he brushed it off – when I asked why he wouldn’t put his gf before dishes I was ignored. He did apologize but it doesn’t feel genuine, because after every sorry he went right back into stating that I’m making a big deal out of nothing and how he acted in a normal manner – how I’m desperately trying to feed my own perspective etc. etc. He started getting condescending and mocking me (which he admitted to..??) – at which point the conversation broke. We haven’t talked for over a day. His pride is more important to him than helping me navigate any of this. AITA for expecting him to be there? Am I expecting too much?
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2 days ago somebody broke into my (23F) cellar and stole a few things – left the cellar in a messy state and also stole the key to the backyard. Immediately after discovering this, I texted my bf (21M) – terrified because I live by myself. He answered 1 and 1/2h later with “Wtf? Did they steal anything? Are you okay?” but then dipped before I could even answer – for another hour. FYI he was at his friend’s place – I still didn’t expect him to leave me all by myself in this situation. I was terrified. I told him that the police were there and that the CDI were coming to secure evidence – as two weeks ago someone had attempted to break into my apartment through the kitchen window; I told him about the stolen keys and how they broke the front door and how the police told us that they’re probably planning on returning. But he did not answer for another hour. My neighbours and friends jumped in to console me instead (and I am so thankful for them, I was so paranoid and stressed). He then texted again 2 hours later (after leaving his friend’s place) and asked if I was mad at him. I told him to go to sleep and that we can talk abt that in the morning – I saw that he was online but he did not answer. I couldn’t sleep, terrified that they would return. After that I communicated that I felt ignored and like he doesn’t care about my well-being, he got defensive and said it was just an hour. I asked him what he was doing and he told me that he ate and then did the dishes – and that he wanted to listen to my messages afterwards. That just hurt me because .. my safety comes after washing dishes? As the conversation went on (where I was just trying to communicate my hurt and disappointment) – he started saying things like “It couldn’t have been that bad if you’d rather be angry at me for that”, tellling me I’m not being the bigger person. At one point I did get irritated, as it is a pattern that he’s just not there for me when I need him. Whenever I’m at a low (or high) point in my life, he starts instigating arguments. He kept stressing how he wasn’t just off doing whatever but that he was eating and cleaning dishes and didn’t even wait with responding to me until he left his friend’s place – but isn’t that normal?? Whenever I bring up that he could’ve done both the dishes and listened to me he brushed it off – when I asked why he wouldn’t put his gf before dishes I was ignored. He did apologize but it doesn’t feel genuine, because after every sorry he went right back into stating that I’m making a big deal out of nothing and how he acted in a normal manner – how I’m desperately trying to feed my own perspective etc. etc. He started getting condescending and mocking me (which he admitted to..??) – at which point the conversation broke. We haven’t talked for over a day. His pride is more important to him than helping me navigate any of this. AITA for expecting him to be there? Am I expecting too much?
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> I may be expecting too much of him / being too invasive which may burden him. I’m also not the person to accept apologies when they don’t seem genuine – which might be frustrating to him.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA for expecting support, more from your partner. You become an AH if you stay with him and his lack of caring and immaturity.
Nta. Please leave this man. He does not care about you or your safety
NTA. A man who cares about you would have come over right away if he possibly could. This guy is not that man.
He has shown you who he is. Now it’s up to you to decide what to do about it.
NTA. Sure maybe he didn’t see the first message right away because he was busy, but once he knew what was going on he should have been there to support you.
I’ve been robbed before I know how scary it can be to have your safe place invaded like that and I hope you’re able to find some comfort elsewhere.
When you care about someone then their safety is a matter of instinct. He prioritised so many other things above your well-being and safety. Now he’s gaslighting you into accepting his less than minimal concern. He’s not concerned at all. Things only get worse from here so think over whether you want this for the future.
NTA
You’re not wrong for expecting support. In scary situations like that, it’s normal to want someone you care about to prioritize your safety and emotional state.
His delay and defensiveness show a lack of empathy in the moment your feelings are valid.
He should be more protective and caring yes.
Normal people would come over instantly or call.
Ya know, when my tire popped I told my bf and he was busy doing something else (I was safe and was able to drive home safely as I was close before it popped) but he texted and called me immediately and then, as soon as he was done, he rushed over and helped me out. He loves an hour away. If someone did to me what they’ve done to you, he’d be over in a heartbeat. I’m fairly certain that he’d stay with me for at least a few nights even though that’d mean he’d have to wake up way earlier to go to work and he’d have to drive much further than he currently does. And I’d do the same for him. That’s what partners do. He can’t, and won’t, do the basics of caring about your well being. Dump him
Lose this AH
Someone who cares about you won’t talk down to you when you express fear and anger over being left alone in a dangerous situation.
They certainly won’t decide to do a load of dishes instead of checking in on you.
NTA, take out the trash.
Apparently you’re not a priority. Time to make a decision.
NTA.
Wow. If you’d stood in the middle of the street and screamed, you’d have gotten far more support than this guy gave you.
You now know just where you stand with him — somewhere after doing dishes and maybe before he has to go to the bathroom. Please do yourself a favor and kick him to the curb (or kerb?) and concentrate on your safety for the moment. He’s about as supportive as a 10-year-old bra.
NTA. This is a “leave what you’re doing immediately and go be with your partner” type situation. Your romantic partner should be the person who makes you feel the most loved and cared for out of anyone in your life. If that’s not the case, something is wrong.
Ask yourself what you would have done if your best friend who lived alone texted you to tell you someone had broken into her home, and stolen a key – and then ask yourself why you’re settling for less.
He doesn’t care about your safety/well being at all.
Also, I’m getting a suspicion he had something to do with the break in?
He was insensitive, but your safety was not affected at all. The only way he could make you safe would be to move in together or help you pay for locks and stuff.
Him emotionally supporting you does not make you safer.
Run run run. This man is trouble!
I’m so sorry you went through that. It’s incredibly traumatic and the fact that he then gets mad at you is a red flag
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NTA
I could have stopped halfway through this and came to the same conclusion – reading the rest didn’t change anything – get rid of him, he’s weak and selfish.
> it is a pattern that he’s just not there for me when I need him.
Is this who you want in a life partner? If not, cut the cord now.
Nta
He was awful to you, completely unsupportive in your time of need.
And he often picks fights to keep you in line? He often puts you down? Calls you immature for having needs?
None of that is okay. It’s the foundation for emotional abuse. You deserve better.
NTA I was pretty sure he didn’t care about you at all, until I got here, “He started getting condescending and mocking me” and then I realised that he actively dislikes you. You deserve better.
I’m sorry about what happened to you. That must’ve been very scary and upsetting.
I wouldn’t call you an arsehole, but I would say that it is your job to get your needs met, not expect them to be met nor expect him to guess that you wanted him to come be with you.
I’m not saying it’s not a reasonable request, just also that you needed to communicate that.
If you’re feeling scared and you need company, you have to tell him. He’s a boy and it’s difficult for us to know how you feel or what you want unless you say it.
I don’t mean this in a way that you handled it wrong, more like there was a better way to handle it that may have got you what you wanted and deserved.
NTA
You are not his priority – food and dishes are the priority
He’s showing you who is he – believe him and walk away before you become more attached and enmeshed.
I don’t even have to read past the title to know that you are NTA. Any decent person should be concerned that their girlfriend got burgled.
NTA but your bf is. He’s showing no care for you at all and getting defensive when called out on it. Sounds like a good enough reason to move on to me.
“I may be expecting too much of him / being too invasive which may burden him. I’m also not the person to accept apologies when they don’t seem genuine – which might be frustrating to him.”!
Think this is spot on. Pick someone who will cherish you and always be in your corner, someone who doesn’t mind his down time is interrupted when his gf is the target of a crime.
People show their true character when big things happen, whether good or bad.
Pay attention to his behavior now because this is how he’ll be in every major moment. Getting promoted? Birthdays? Getting pregnant? Giving birth? Need help with the kids? Or worse, miscarriage? Death in the family? You can forget about him, he has more important things to do and when you get upset about it he’ll make you feel and seem crazy like he does now.
Open your eyes, this man doesn’t love or appreciate you, he doesn’t care about your wellbeing. If I got mugged or my house was broken into, I expect my partner to leave everything he’s doing and come be with me or if he’s physically away then call and talk with me. This shit is traumatizing af.
Ditch the guy, ask a friend you trust to move in for a while, change locks, put cameras on and go to therapy. Maybe even get a dog if you can.
NTA
That sounds terrifying op, I’m sorry it happened to you.
If my gf sent me a message like that I’d call immediately unless I was literally dying. I’d try to get there as soon as possible. And actually the way guys normally mess up here is being overprotective, so he’s treating you shitty and weird.
Low key the thing that crossed my mind was wondering if he was the culprit, but that’s just because I watch too much true crime lol.
NTA and I really hope you’re getting good support somewhere.
I’m going to be honest with you. I dated a guy like this. He’s telling you very clearly that he doesn’t want to change and he doesn’t want to be there for you. He has his reasons, and he may or may not tell you one day what those are (probably won’t) but the why doesn’t matter.
He. Does. Not. Want. To. Change.
Can you change him? Possibly. But explaining won’t change him. Only leaving him and hurting him with a breakup is enough to change him. And that only gives the next girl the opportunity for a healthier relationship.
You have no chance of a healthy relationship with this guy. The resentment of him not being there for you is just going to keep building until breaking point.