My husband and I have always been the couple who bragged about having good communication. Seriously, we went to pre-marriage counseling a few years ago just to nail down how to avoid the big fights. We’re childfree, and we were finally getting to the point where our lifestyle was slowing down enough to talk about getting a dog our “fur-baby,” you know?
I work from home, he just started a job that keeps him local for the next year, so the timing was right. I was clear on one thing: NO breeds with terrible genetic health issues. I can’t mentally or emotionally handle signing up for constant medical suffering and huge vet bills for something preventable. We talked about adopting an older mutt or a chill breed. It was understood.
Three weeks ago, he walks in the door beaming, holding a tiny, snorting, 6-month-old Bulldog puppy. He got it from a family “who couldn’t keep him.” The excitement was all over his face: “I just knew I deserved a dog right now!” A Bulldog. The single breed I had drawn a line in the sand over.
And you can guess what happened next. This sweet little guy (we’re calling him Tank, ironically) is an immediate medical liability. The vet confirmed it: he needs expensive soft palate surgery and nostril widening just to breathe normally. He has trouble running, he has a limp, and the patella surgery is definitely coming. His constant, congested snoring is literally the sound of him struggling, and it breaks my heart. Here’s where my anger shifts from the puppy to my husband. The initial excitement wore off immediately.
He loves taking Tank to the pet store so people can fawn over his “cute little snorts.” But walking Tank? Cleaning up the backyard? Nope. I am doing 95% of the care for a dog I didn’t want, with medical bills I didn’t agree to, all while trying to work from home. The resentment is building into a wall between us.
It all came to a head over the bedroom. I told him I can’t sleep with the noise—it’s loud, and knowing it’s painful noise keeps me awake. I laid it out: “If Tank is in the bed, I am not.” He didn’t even argue. He literally put the dog in my spot, kissed him on the head, and fell asleep to the sound of raspy puppy gasps. I’ve been in the guest room ever since. Three nights now, away from my husband.
I’m so torn. Tank is a precious puppy, he’s quiet and sweet all day while I work, and he’s bonded to me. But I am so furious at my husband for throwing away our communication, his lack of responsibility, and choosing a dog he just met over our physical closeness.
How do I have a serious, marriage-defining conversation when every fiber of my being is screaming about the unfairness of this whole situation? I need advice on how to be a rational adult right now, not just an angry wife.
TL;DR: My husband got an impulse Bulldog puppy with severe, expensive health issues (a breed I vetoed). He does zero care. When I set a boundary about the dog sleeping in our marital bed, he chose the dog, and now I’m sleeping alone in the guest room. How do I fix the massive crack in our marriage?
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Listen to yourself… line in the sand, one breed i wouldn’t allow… sounds like he’s sick of your overbearing shit and quite happy to replace you with something less annoying.
Well—sounds like a counseling session is in order with your old therapist. Make it about his decision making without your consent and what the plan is to build back your trust. It’s bigger than the dog.
He chose this dog over you, what are you waiting for to call a lawyer and get a divorce?
Wow, OP. I read your post and my blood pressure shot up. Seriously, you are 100% justified for being in that guest room. Your boundaries are totally valid and necessary right now.
The worst part of this whole story is that “I deserve this” comment. That is the actual problem, not the puppy itself.
A dog is not a nice treat you buy yourself as a reward for sticking to a diet or getting thru a stressful time! Like, what is he thinking? He’s treating a living creature as a prize he won.
This puppy isn’t an Xbox; it’s a whole other being with its own needs and preferences who is now reliant on you forever. He has severe medical issues, and your husband isn’t even sticking around for the easy stuff, let alone the surgeries.
Frankly, that sweet little dog deserves an owner with a better attitude than your husband has shown.
The fact he chose the dog over you in the marital bed? That is HUGE. He’s showing you that his impulse purchase and his momentary desire trumps your comfort, your health boundaries, and the six years of trust you two built. You are right to be furious. Don’t leave the guest room until he truly understands the magnitude of what he broke here. He needs a wake-up call, and that separate room is giving it to him. Good luck, friend. You got this.
Time to put the dog up for adoption or turn the husband into an ex. You pick who stays.
I don’t think there is anything YOU can do to fix this. You communicated your desires to your husband. He chose to ignore them, and when you drew a line in the sand, he jumped over it with his new bulldog and waved at you from the other side.
The fact that he did this without even TALKING to you first should tell you everything you need to know. He either decided to ask for forgiveness instead of permission or that he just did not care what you felt about it.
>He literally put the dog in my spot, kissed him on the head, and fell asleep to the sound of raspy puppy gasps. I’ve been in the guest room ever since. Three nights now, away from my husband.
Your marriage is likely over. Your husband clearly does not care if you are there or not (or he figures he will break you eventually into giving in). If I were you, I would tell him that he needs to figure out what he’s going to do about the dog during the day because you are relocating to a “remote” office effective immediately. Then do it. Figure out somewhere, ANYWHERE you can be gone all day. Make your husband figure out what he’s going to do. Get up Monday morning, pack up your stuff and say, see you at six. Then be gone all day. Your husband did this 100% knowing he needs you to be the caretaker during the day. Show him you aren’t.
What does being child-free have to do with bulldogs?
Stay calm but firm. If he can’t own this and work to fix it, the dog isn’t the only thing causing damage here.
This is so frustrating and upsetting. I share your sentiments about genetic health issues with dogs, especially when bred that way on purpose!
The main issue, as you’ve pointed out, is that he broke your trust and communication. This should be something you do together, from the very start, and he has made it all about him.
Now there is another life involved that needs to be considered. Maybe mental health has influenced his choices, but ultimately this could be a point of no return for your relationship.
3 days is fucking crazy!!!!
Couples counseling is a must right now.
Because what is he doing to show you he cares about your wants?
My partner adopted a dog without my permission- we were year 2 of our current 7-year relationship and now marriage. He wanted a dog – so he got one. He did all of the walking, cleaning, and medical costs, for the entire time of the dog’s time with us. He is the manager of the dog and I am the backup if he asks for support in advance. But generally, I don’t assume dog care to this day. I also don’t have the dog on our couch or bed. I help with training because I’m more knowledgeable.
Part of accepting my partner was accepting that he was definitely going to get a dog. Part of my partner accepting me was knowing that the dog can live with us but it isn’t my primary responsibility.
You can’t go out for dinner and then drinks cuz you have to walk the dog? Well, that’s up to him to figure out. I’m going out with my friends at whatever time I want. If he asks early- then yeah can do it- but I don’t really do any dog care day-of asks.
I think you get to kick the dog out of the bed. Dont let him choose. You get to have your own bed without a fucking dog in it. He also needs to pay for all the medical expenses himself including dog care if you travel.
This is above Reddit’s paygrade. Y’all need couples therapy asap.
>I need advice on how to be a rational adult right now, not just an angry wife.
The anger is rational. You had one parameter for your dog search, and your husband decided to disregard it. He unilaterally made a decision that affects your joint future, and won’t even acknowledge how unfair it is. The fact that he’s not even properly taking care of the dog and leaving all the work for you is infuriating. I don’t really know how you can continue to build a life with somebody who treats you like that.
i would accept this as him ending the marriage.
it’s sad every post that starts with “we’re SO great…” ends in why it’s not gonna work. idk what flipped in your husbands head, but it sounds like he isn’t in the same boat as you anymore
your husband picked a dog over you. He thought he was being cute but that is what he did.
I would go to stay with a friend or family member for a few weeks. Let the man who ‘deserved’ a dog take care of it full time.
Depending on how he reacts, I would contact an attorney to determine next steps.
You sound like a rational adult to me right now. So there is no doubt in that. I also work with dogs and just saw a bulldog hyperventilate and die, so I feel your distress over owning the pup for its sake and also the stress it brings into your life.
I think two things: are you committed to this dog for life in your mind? It’s okay to both love and care about it and for the answer to be “no.” Properly rehoming it sooner rather than later is okay if you do it well. There are people who are passionate about the breed and know the cost and needs of a bulldog. Pup isn’t a bad dude for being born, but it’s okay if he’s not the dog for you. You had no say. Your husband is not prepared to be a good dog owner.
If this is the marriage you want to stay in, you need to be in with the therapist again this coming week.
What you stated here does not make you an angry wife; it means you’ve woken up to not having a real (or responsible) partner.
The person who deserves the guest room is your husband, not you. He brought a literal health abomination home without any discussion or agreement in place. That’s a major breach of trust. Plus you doing all the responsibilities in the end…. What’s new tbh lol. Lots of people want a pet (or kids) , but don’t want any of those responsibilities attached. 😑
I’m guessing when you say bulldog, you mean the English bulldog with the flat face? Another thing I don’t like is them being droolers. I looked after one for a few hours and it was just excessively drooling, and it’s even worse after the most shortest walk. I don’t understand how people put up with drool all over their floors. 😭 But I also agree with you about these breeds. Such breeds really shouldn’t exist like this. I don’t even think they look cute, but it makes me sick when people say how cute it is but the dog is literally struggling to breathe!!!
He took this dog in without your say. You can do the same without his say. You’re handling all the responsibilities for the dog anyway, so I assume your name is on the vet bills 🤷 But it kinda looks like there’s no going back from this situation either way…
Husband needs to be in the guest room.
You’ve got bigger problems here than the dog.
Are you sure your husband still wants to be married? Because this sounds like deliberate relationship ending behavior.
I don’t know what the situation is with your living arrangements, but if you are the leaseholder or property owner, I would be asking him to leave and take the dog with him. He can come back when he learns to communicate and make decisions as part of a team.
If you keep this puppy please get it fixed so it doesn’t pass on these man made genetic issues 🙁
Stop taking care of his dog, leave the mess and the medical expenses on him. It wasn’t a joint decision. Make sure people know how bad he is as a dog owner and start to look for people who are willing to take him in in front of your husband , make it clear that poor dog deserves someone better than him for an owner. The shame will either get him to be responsible as he should or he’ll give the dog up to a good home either way I see this becoming a deal breaker for you both. Prepare for a divorce and have it ready but work on your marriage while it’s salvageable.
Oooooof girl…
All I gotta say is maybe look into pet insurance or let him know whatever medical debt this dog acquires is 1000% his responsibility.
To be kicked out of your own bed for a dog? Hell no.
Take it to be euthanized and go back to therapy
Ugh I wish we would stop breeding these types of dogs with terrible health issues
YOU cannot fix a crack in the marriage. It takes both people to fix a relationship. Even when the damage is all done by one person, they both have to do work to repair trust (if nothing else).
Some people say all the right things in counseling, but then go do whatever they want to do. He’s one of them. It was just luck that what he wanted matched up with what you wanted until now.
Explain that this was his choice, without discussing it with you. Therefore it is his dog, only his dog, and he is 100% responsible for this creature. He will move to the guest room and you are taking back your space.
Bulldogs have been bred to have a horrible life and it is so sad that he doesn’t think that.
But seriously…. make him do all the care, trips to the vet, paying for the vet, picking up poop, feeding, everything… that is all him as that is his dog.
Now you know why the previous people couldnt Afford to keep him
Stop doing puppy care. He’s not doing it because he knows you will. He chose the dog, he said he “deserves” the dog… He needs to understand that it isn’t just the cute parts. He needs to be an involved doggy daddy. It will be difficult at first, but if he continues to neglect the dog once you stop, he’s pricing he’s not ready to have a dog and it needs to be rehomed.