TL;DR; : my husband only initiates sex after I’m asleep, and I don’t know how to talk to him about it.
So I love my husband. We have been together for 3 1/2 years and married for 6 months. He has always had a problem with his sex drive and while it sucked, it just became normal. I was in a sexless marriage/relationship for 11 years, and my husband’s ex-wife would weaponize sex in his relationship by saying that since he didn’t have sex on command she would cheat. So my sex drive was a significant difference than his. We adapted and it was fine. Well I had gotten pregnant (my only child is adopted). I ended up having a miscarriage in my second trimester. During my pregnancy and even about 2-3 weeks after, I was getting it like 3-4 times a week. That’s a huge difference from about 2-4 times a month. I’m 10 weeks post now and he is back to not wanting it. That’s fine, but I’m going through some mental stuff now and I’m just so tired all the time. I also wake up at 7 every morning to get my son off to school and while I am a sahm, I try and do alot during the day. By 9, I’m so tired I can barely keep my eyes open. I try and stay awake to spend time with hubby though and we usually go to bed around 11. I’ll fall asleep pretty quick while he stays up watching TV in bed or playing on his phone. A couple times a week, he will say “well I wanted it last night and tried to wake you up but you wouldn’t”. He always waits till I’m asleep to try instead of trying the 2 1/2 hours after my son goes to sleep before I do, or the days he has off and my son is at school. And when I initiate it’s always a no or he isn’t in the mood which tracks to how it used to be. So it’s a mutual understand that he will initiate when he wants it so he doesn’t feel pressured and I don’t feel rejected. I’m not sure what to do. I obviously want to have to sex with him but it’s always when I can’t say yes or reciprocate. I’m afraid he is lying to me so we can’t have the “is our sex life ok” talk. I don’t want to wait awake till 1 in the morning just to see if he wants to have sex. How do I even talk to him about this?
Edit: he does not actually have sex with me when I’m sleeping, he will tell me he tried to initiate but I wouldn’t wake up. I personally don’t think he is trying to begin with but I can’t confirm since I’m asleep.
Comments
I m a man ,he is a sick fuck.sorry.
I think there is a lot your husband isn’t being honest about.
And I’d confront him on this directly. Along the lines of “I feel like you are claiming to want sex when I’m not conscious as a way of avoiding a more difficult conversation. I want to believe you, but this pattern is becoming impossible to ignore. So I want to give you a chance to level with me – I promise I will not get angry or start a fight, but in return, you need to be honest with me about how you’re feeling, and what the state of our sex life really is.”
Give him space to answer before adding anything else. If he needs a minute to compose his thoughts, fine, but if he refuses to have this conversation at all or keeps putting it off for a “better time,” I think you need to find a marriage counselor, and set up an appointment for yourself.
I agree that it is likely he is lying and you need to have an honest conversation…
But… If he is trying to initiate when you are asleep and he isn’t lying… what is it about 1 am when you’re asleep that is a turn on to him? Is he watching porn or something that he is hiding until you sleep? Is he turned on by your lack of interest or being unavailable? The control of disturbing your sleep? If he IS being honest, there’s something there you need to discuss too.
A healthy sex life doesn’t happen by accident. It takes effort, open communication and honesty from both parties.
You wouldn’t know, if he would have sex with you, wouldn’t you? Because you’re asleep. But whatever. Seems you guys have a relationship, which some people would call unhealthy. But what do I know? I’m just a stranger in the internet.
So he wants to sexually assault you basically? I would feel so unsafe that I would tell him if that happens again you’re not only going to report him to the police but that you were going to never live with him again. That’s disgusting. If you have told him one time that this is not acceptable, not that you should have to point that out, and he is done it again and he doesn’t give a damn about your feelings, has no respect for you and is an abuser.
Yeah he is just saying that to put the blame on you for not having sex instead of on him. It’s time to have a very direct conversation with him.