I feel like this one’s pretty straightforward but maybe I’m missing something?
I (42f) live separately from my partner (45m) and we see each other on the weekends. He works a standard 9-5 and my hours vary throughout the week. We both tend to keep strange sleeping hours- occasionally going to bed early, sometimes staying up ‘til the wee morning hours.
Most relevant to this situation: we’ve discussed several times over the years (even as recently as like 6 months ago) that we are both completely fine with sending and receiving texts at ANY time during the night.
So here’s the situation: A couple nights ago I sent him a random text at 1:39am. It was just a link to a silly video and a short comment- the kind of thing we’ve sent each other tons of times. But for some reason, this time he decided he was furious that I would “wake him up when I know he has to work tomorrow.” His angry response was a text saying “I’m sleeping. Need to be up in 4 hours.” Followed by a hostile voice message saying “I have work in the morning. Please stop texting me. Thank you. Goodnight.”
I responded by calling him an “ass.”
Now, days later, he is still barely speaking to me and refuses to apologize for being so rude. He says he won’t apologize because I woke HIM up.
IMO, no sane person would think they were in the right here. Cuz, again, he has told me MANY times to feel free to message him at any time, no matter how late. So am I the asshole? Am I missing something??
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I feel like this one’s pretty straightforward but maybe I’m missing something?
I (42f) live separately from my partner (45m) and we see each other on the weekends. He works a standard 9-5 and my hours vary throughout the week. We both tend to keep strange sleeping hours- occasionally going to bed early, sometimes staying up ‘til the wee morning hours.
Most relevant to this situation: we’ve discussed several times over the years (even as recently as like 6 months ago) that we are both completely fine with sending and receiving texts at ANY time during the night.
So here’s the situation: A couple nights ago I sent him a random text at 1:39am. It was just a link to a silly video and a short comment- the kind of thing we’ve sent each other tons of times. But for some reason, this time he decided he was furious that I would “wake him up when I know he has to work tomorrow.” His angry response was a text saying “I’m sleeping. Need to be up in 4 hours.” Followed by a hostile voice message saying “I have work in the morning. Please stop texting me. Thank you. Goodnight.”
I responded by calling him an “ass.”
Now, days later, he is still barely speaking to me and refuses to apologize for being so rude. He says he won’t apologize because I woke HIM up.
IMO, no sane person would think they were in the right here. Cuz, again, he has told me MANY times to feel free to message him at any time, no matter how late. So am I the asshole? Am I missing something??
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because I woke my partner up by sending a text message
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Nta
It was okay for in the past. If.it wasn’t ok any more, he should have had a calm discussion with him.
Phones have mute options, DND options, and silence.options. hes an adult.
Maybe he was grumpy, exhausted, had a bad day, or whatever. If he was that tired he could easily put his phone on do not disturb…that’s a very very common thing to do. He responded poorly, but so did you when you called him an ass.
The fact that he reacted this strongly, and is still upset with you, makes me wonder if something else is going on. It might be something that just he is experiencing and hasn’t told you, or something in the relationship that is making him feel off. Is there anything else that happened before this?
You said he won’t apologize, but did you? Remember, apologizing isn’t about who is right, or admitting you’re wrong, but about expressing that you understand that he is upset and that you inadvertently had a hand in it, no matter what he has said in the past or what your intention was. You don’t think you did anything wrong, but he also likely doesn’t think his reaction was over the top.
NAH, it’s just two people who are butting heads, and reacting with emotions about it rather than talking it out.
NTA. I think he was already awake lol, no person I know can be woken up by a text message.
How about doing what he asked and stop texting. He sounds like an ass. If he texts then say i did what was asked. I hope you see that you are better off single than with a pig like that
ESH. Why would you text him sth useless at 2am while you probably know that he doesn’t put his phone on mute?
Also, he is an ass for reacting like that and ignoring you for days.
NTA. If he can’t figure out how to turn the notification volume off on his phone, that’s hardly your problem. You said it yourself that you both have erratic sleep schedules. You had no way of knowing that he was going to be asleep at that time. It’s his responsibility to manage his own phone. He’s acting like a child.
NTA
Maybe he wasn’t alone. If you only see each other on weekends, maybe he is seeing other people during the week?
ESH. Text any time probably meant with some real communication… not a bs video. Yes, he could have muted you…but if I have to mute someone because they have no judgement, it probably won’t be removed.
Ffs, did that video have to be shared right then?
NTA he should have texted you to not disturb me tonight or hey he could have put his phone on do not disturb. The text was rude, the voice message was uncalled for as the text made his point, and not speaking to you for days is just immature. He’s 45 but acting like a teenager.
ESH. Despite an agreement that you can send texts at any time, that’s a very late hour for someone who you know needs to be at work in the morning. That said, he could easily set his phone to Do Not Disturb for the sleeping hours, didn’t, and has overreacted to the text to a ridiculous degree.
ESH
You both need to put down your dukes and have an adult conversation.
NTA, “Do not disturb” exists for a reason 🙂
INFO: in-between the text saying he needed to be up in 4 hours and the voice message, did you text again? Because that will make a big difference for me. Just the one text with the video, you don’t deserve all that. However, if you kept responding after he said he needs to be up in 4 hr, then you’d be kinda the AH
So . . . He told you he was trying to sleep and he asked you not to text him because he was trying to sleep? Move over orange person, we’ve found the REAL historical figure who cannot be named (not Voldemort).
What’s so angry about saying “I’m sleeping. I need to be up in 4 hours.”
If he doesn’t want to be disturbed when sleeping then he needs to switch his phone to silent. On the flip side, if hes been fine with getting texts at this time in the past then how would you know suddenly on this occasion he wouldn’t be happy?
“Most relevant to this situation: we’ve discussed several times over the years (even as recently as like 6 months ago) that we are both completely fine with sending and receiving texts at ANY time during the night.” Even though you “both tend to keep strange sleeping hours”, maybe he thought that it went without saying that, at certain times, it should only be for emergencies.
I once asked someone a precise question about when it was okay to text them, depending on why I would be texting them. Their response? “You can text me anytime.” They answered a problematically oversimplified version of my question. Most people rarely, if ever, read anything. They skim, but they believe they are reading. Often, there is an equivalent problem with conversations.
NTA. Do Not Disturb exists
Perhaps he had a bad day/night the night before. Everyone gets grumpy sometimes. Have a talk with him again, a calm, adult talk where you don’t call eachother names. Communicate. Apologise for waking him up and say that, because of the conversation you’d had with him in the past, you thought it would be alright. There has to be a conversation here.
Get off your phones so late at night. All problems solved.