So I have a friend who is wheelchair bound, and is dependent on a nurse for almost everything. For a while now, they have been asking me to drive them places when they don’t have a nurse. Sometimes close by, other times, not so much. They have even tried slyly asking me to go places without prefacing that they do not have a nurse. Every time they ask me if I can drive them, I nicely say that I do not feel comfortable, which I truthfully don’t. For one, they need support for their head when going over bumps, which scares me if I were to hit one and was the only with them. I am not a nurse. If something in general were to happen, I don’t know what to do, nevertheless a neck injury. But also, I have never driven a car that large. That is their only transportation, and I would feel incredibly guilty if I were to crash it or do any kind of damage to it. I feel like a terrible friend every time they want to go somewhere, as I know they heavily rely on a nurse to go out and do things. But I truly don’t feel comfortable, and I’ve told them that on at least 5 different occasions. They’ve even had one of their nurses call me and try to guilt trip me into doing it, saying “I’ve done it a bunch of times, it’s not as hard as you think”. AITA?
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So I have a friend who is wheelchair bound, and is dependent on a nurse for almost everything. For a while now, they have been asking me to drive them places when they don’t have a nurse. Sometimes close by, other times, not so much. They have even tried slyly asking me to go places without prefacing that they do not have a nurse. Every time they ask me if I can drive them, I nicely say that I do not feel comfortable, which I truthfully don’t. For one, they need support for their head when going over bumps, which scares me if I were to hit one and was the only with them. I am not a nurse. If something in general were to happen, I don’t know what to do, nevertheless a neck injury. But also, I have never driven a car that large. That is their only transportation, and I would feel incredibly guilty if I were to crash it or do any kind of damage to it. I feel like a terrible friend every time they want to go somewhere, as I know they heavily rely on a nurse to go out and do things. But I truly don’t feel comfortable, and I’ve told them that on at least 5 different occasions. They’ve even had one of their nurses call me and try to guilt trip me into doing it, saying “I’ve done it a bunch of times, it’s not as hard as you think”. AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My friend never said I was the asshole, but I feel like the asshole because I refuse to drive my disabled friend. I know they need the help as a disabled person, but I don’t feel comfortable. That makes me feel like an asshole
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. Is there any chance that your area has a shuttle service for disabled people? Would you be able/willing to drive if she had another friend in charge of keeping her safe in the van? (In any case, NTA.)
They’ve even had one of their nurses call me and try to guilt trip me into doing it, saying “I’ve done it a bunch of times, it’s not as hard as you think”.
That isn’t guilting you.
But no you are not the AH in how you feel.
NTA. I have a lot of invisible disabilities, and my friend was equally worried about the what ifs something goes wrong or I need help at a recent event we were both attending and didn’t want to drive or be responsible in that way either. And that’s ok.
It’s ok to ask; and ok to decline. After a certain point the asking should stop though and the default decline needs to be accepted. And your friend isn’t doing that. Which is not ok on their part.
I know they’re frustrated but that doesn’t change the calculus of the situation for you. You’re just not comfortable taking on their life as your responsibility.
There are lots of medical transport services out there, and insurance will often pay (especially if it’s going to appointments). The only down side is having to schedule them ahead of time.
Some Uber drivers are capable and comfortable with disabled customers, she should be able to include that in her profile?
I drove my own elderly mother, but I knew her limitations and used my own car. I drove a good friend to eye surgery, but that was just because he couldn’t see well for a few days. I wouldn’t risk it for a case like you’re describing.
NTA — too big a risk of something bad happening.
NTA you are not comfortable. End of.