Most people call me by a nickname. Some people who’ve known me a really long time know this. Only my family calls me by my actual name. Some of my oldest friends know my actual name, but not many of them call me by it. A friend of mine I’ve known for a couple of years now just learned they’ve been calling me a nickname. I confirmed it and told them my actual name when they asked. It’s not like it’s a secret, idc or anything. Now they’re mad at me because I didn’t tell them my actual name this whole time. tbh it just never occured to me and never came up. AITA?
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Most people call me by a nickname. Some people who’ve known me a really long time know this. Only my family calls me by my actual name. Some of my oldest friends know my actual name, but not many of them call me by it. A friend of mine I’ve known for a couple of years now just learned they’ve been calling me a nickname. I confirmed it and told them my actual name when they asked. It’s not like it’s a secret idc or anything. Now they’re mad at me because I didn’t tell them my actual name this whole time. tbh it just never occured to me and never came up. AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I never told a friend my actual name.
2. Am I obligated to tell people that if I’ve known them a certain amount of time? IDK that’s why im asking.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
If you don’t generally use your given name, then NTA for not explaining that to a friend, even a close one, until it came up somehow. It’s not like a secret you were keeping, it just isn’t that important.
But, aside from whether or not you’re an asshole, did you talk to your friend about why they were upset? I would assume they see it as a sign you don’t consider the friendship as close as they do, and they’re hurt. I suggest having a conversation about why they are upset, and trying to provide more context for why you didn’t consider it important enough to mention.
NTA. What exactly is your friend mad about? Having the feeling they don’t know you as well as others and they though they are a ‘closer friend’ (whereas honestly if your nickname is so often used I think it’s weird to use that as a measure of friendship)? Or that if government officials would ask for you, they couldn’t give a correct name (I know some countries where this is more common)?
NTA. Why should they be insulted? You are correct. It’s not a big deal.
Maybe they think that they are closer to you than they actually are. Frankly, I think it’s presumptuous of them. If this is their hill to die on, wave them goodbye from the valley.
NTA. Your real name is your chosen name. Your government name is just your government name.
I would cut someone off trying to claim my government name was my real name or even trying to figure it out. I don’t use it for a reason
NTA: You never told him because he never asked
NTA! Your chosen name which even your family knows and calls you by is what is important. Not sure why your friend is upset about this.
NAH, you don’t owe anyone your legal name, but I also appreciate that it would be jarring for someone who feels close to you to find out they don’t know your name.
I use a family nickname that is not technically a shortening of my legal name (think like Steve full name Joseph) but if I am close with someone I disclose it purely because it feels strange to me to, and it’s not a secret or something I am uncomfortable about.
NTA – I knew a guy for years before discovering that Steve is not his name. His first name is Matthew, but he doesn’t like it, so he goes by his middle name. Steve.
I was, of course, mortified and never spoke to him again.
Kidding! It was a curiosity and nothing more.
FWIW – I have never called my wife by her legal name. I only use the English name she picked for herself except if I’m filling out some legal document or buying airline tickets or something.
NTA. You only have to tell the name you want them to call you.
NTA
NTA. You told them as soon as they asked.
NAH, probably, but it REALLY depends on how close a friend he is. What if you’re in the hospital and he goes to visit you and doesn’t know your legal first name to find you, or you go missing and he has to report you to the police and doesn’t know your legal name, or any other manner of things? You are effectively keeping him at a distance and not letting him close in critical moments. With a casual friend, this isn’t really a big deal, but with a close friend I would have to call you the AH.
ETA: Somewhat related side note: This post made me realize that I need to ask a friend to remind me what her legal LAST name is, in case I ever need it. She’s from my country, but she got married in a foreign country. She goes by her married last name, but she has not legally been able to change her legal name in our home country.
You don’t owe your wallet name to add my one other than the government, your bank, and a few institutions who insist on it.
Your partner should know it after you’ve dated for a while.
Friends don’t need to know.
It’s bizarre that they felt they had a right to know sooner; you didn’t even refuse to give it.
I’d step back from this friendship.
Oi. NTA.
It is very common for people to use a name that isn’t their government name.
Or to use different names in different contexts.
I had a friend, “Saoirse,” whose given name was Saoirse Alicia LastName. At school and at work, she went by her middle name. Just so people could pronounce it.
I have had many friends whose legal first name I didn’t find out for years. It just doesn’t matter unless someone is filling out paperwork.
Everyone calls me by my preferred nickname more then my actual birth name. The only time that my full name has been used is in doctors offices and other professional settings. If my friends used my full name it wouldn’t bother me but, at the same time, I would be confused as to why it matters if I didn’t tell my friends my birth name, especially when I only go by my nickname.
Your friend doesn’t have a right to be mad, in my opinion.
NTA
“Government name”?
NTA.
I go by my government name at work and a nickname everywhere else. My clients don’t know my nickname and the only people in my day to day life that know my given name are family members. I don’t see why it’s a big deal.
NTA Lots of people use nicknames
I have an easy name but people love to get it wrong no matter how many times I, or others correct them. God I wish I had a dollar for every time people hear my given name pronounced correctly and get upset.
My family and some old friends call me by a nickname. People get upset that they don’t know it.
People are going to people.
NTA. I never tell anyone my government name because I don’t want to deal with correcting people all the time, and nobody calls me by it. If someone gave me shit about it I’d honestly just drop them lol
Seems pretty petty on your co-workers fault. Professionally I’m almost always called by my last name and a lot of people don’t know my first name. It’s no big deal, NTA
I know a guy who hates his government name and will not respond to getting called it, he doesn’t owe everyone he meets knowing it
YTA I’d be pissed too
Just have to say this is the first time I’ve ever heard the term “government name” LOL
I’ve had decades-long friendships with people who still don’t know my first name, just because no one uses it.
NTA.
NTA. I’ve gone by initials my whole life, and there have been many friends and acquaintances who never knew my actual name.
NTA. This person has an outsized sense of their own importance. There are people I have known for a decade who don’t know they’re calling me by my middle name. Why? Because it’s not relevant. There’s always some asshole who will call you the name you don’t use and think it’s funny.
NTA Your friend is being dramatic. The way you handled going by a nickname is perfectly normal.