So earlier today I told my wife around 3 that I’d leave at 3:15 to see my sister, visit my 4 month old niece, and give her a toy I got. I said I’d be back by 5 and then we could go to the mall at 5:30 like planned.
I just really love my niece, she’s super cute and I wanted to see how she’d react to the toy. It wasn’t supposed to be a big thing, just a 10 min stop.
My wife got mad and said “why are you going? you have work and gym to do, now out of nowhere you wanna meet them?” which kinda pissed me off cause I already told her earlier. I felt like she was just trying to control me. We argued for like 40 mins.
By 4 I said let’s just go to my sister’s quick and then straight to the mall so we don’t waste more time. She said no, she didn’t wanna go cause she saw them Friday and “hates going there.” I said it’d literally be 10 mins to give the gift and leave.
Then she started yelling and crying, saying I’m useless, ruining plans, always forcing my family into everything. I snapped and yelled back, called her foolish and immature for making a huge scene over a quick visit. She got so upset she felt dizzy and nauseous and we had to go to the ER (she’s 20 weeks pregnant). She’s recovering now thankfully.
I feel bad that it blew up and that she got sick, but I honestly just wanted to give my niece her gift and say hi. I feel like my wife overreacted big time, but maybe I shouldn’t have pushed it or yelled back.
AITA for insisting on going and getting angry after she started yelling?
P.S :
My sister lives 12 minutes away. I initially planned to reach around 3:30 PM, stay till 4:30, and then pick up my wife at 5 to go to the mall. After our argument wasted time, I suggested we just drop by together for 10 minutes before heading straight to the mall. The “work” she was referring to was my gym and reading routine, which I’d already decided to postpone.
Update:
Just wanted to add — thankfully, my wife is doing well now. 🙏
It actually turned out to be a blessing in disguise that we went to the ER, because the doctors discovered a high infection in her reports that we had no idea about before. She’s getting proper treatment now, and I’m really grateful we caught it early.
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So earlier today I told my wife around 3 that I’d leave at 3:15 to see my sister, visit my 4 month old niece, and give her a toy I got. I said I’d be back by 5 and then we could go to the mall at 5:30 like planned.
I just really love my niece, she’s super cute and I wanted to see how she’d react to the toy. It wasn’t supposed to be a big thing, just a 10 min stop.
My wife got mad and said “why are you going? you have work and gym to do, now out of nowhere you wanna meet them?” which kinda pissed me off cause I already told her earlier. I felt like she was just trying to control me. We argued for like 40 mins.
By 4 I said let’s just go to my sister’s quick and then straight to the mall so we don’t waste more time. She said no, she didn’t wanna go cause she saw them Friday and “hates going there.” I said it’d literally be 10 mins to give the gift and leave.
Then she started yelling and crying, saying I’m useless, ruining plans, always forcing my family into everything. I snapped and yelled back, called her foolish and immature for making a huge scene over a quick visit. She got so upset she felt dizzy and nauseous and we had to go to the ER (she’s 20 weeks pregnant). She’s recovering now thankfully.
I feel bad that it blew up and that she got sick, but I honestly just wanted to give my niece her gift and say hi. I feel like my wife overreacted big time, but maybe I shouldn’t have pushed it or yelled back.
AITA for insisting on going and getting angry after she started yelling?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole cause I kept pushing to go see my niece even though my pregnant wife clearly said she didn’t wanna go, and I yelled back when she got upset instead of dropping it. I guess I could’ve just let it go and avoided stressing her out.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Tbh ESH. You just wanted to see your niece, but once she got upset, it would’ve been better to drop it. She overreacted, you snapped, both handled it badly ngl
You couldn’t have given your niece the gift tomorrow? Or… any other day? and you said you said you saw them Friday, which means you bought the gift for the kid after you saw them Friday, and you want to drop by now to give it to them.
And I’m a bit confused by the timeline. At 3:00 you told your wife you were leaving at 3:15, and that you’ll be back by 5 to take her to the mall. So were you planning to stay for two hours at your sister’s house, on top of going to the gym and work?
OP, are you avoiding your wife? lol. She had every right to get upset, especially since you were so dead set on giving your niece the gift, today, that the only option you thought was acceptable after a 40 minute argument was to MAKE HER GO WITH YOU to give her the gift on the way to the mall.
The gift could have waited. This was not the hill to die on. I hope your wife is ok.
YTA.
ESH And you both need to learn to communicate with and listen to each other respectfully. Something simple escalated from zero to sixty in a minute or two and that’s not healthy or normal.
I’m leaning towards ESH like, she overreacted definitely but any truth to the statement that you always force your family into everything? Clearly she resents it. If you already had plans to go to the mall, why couldn’t a visit with your sister and niece wait?
All this to the point your wife ended up in the ER. Your priority right now is your pregnant wife and unborn child.
NTA. Your wife has issues. Serious issues. She either hates your sister or your niece. Spending 40 minutes arguing over a 10 minute trip is plain silly. I would bet she really wasn’t dizzy, but claimed that just to make sure you can’t go to your sister’s.
I’d recommend couples therapy to try to figure out wtf is going on.
I went through something similar, my ex would pick fights over everything. Turns out she was having an affair and it was her way of pushing me away.
I need more context. What kind of relationship does your wife have with your sister/family? Why does she not like to go there? Are you really always forcing your family into everything you guys do? I feel like there are some missing details here.
Sounds like you’re not meeting her expectations, and she’s not clearly laying them out. She doesn’t want to go to your family’s stuff as much as you, she just wants you time. Your work and gym are already taking you away from her, and this was one more thing. Since she’s not here to talk to I’m just mentioning what you could do better. You say you argued for 40 minutes – sounds like she wants to feel more important to you so that you can change your plans if she asks, and you want to feel like you’re allowed to do things. Neither of those is bad. If this is your first kid you guys are really going to have to figure out how to communicate better.
NTA but I don’t understand. At first it seems like you were planning to go alone then halfway through the plan changed to your wife going too?
If she was mad you wanted to go alone, what I see is that shes trying to control you and distance you from your family. And it’s extremely shitty of her to use the ER as a manipulation tactic for something that wasn’t an emergency. Being angry and pregnant isn’t the ERs problem. It feels like she went to force you not to go to see your family, not because she needed emergency care. That’s extremely me manipulative and borderline abusive behavior.
ESH- your relationship sounds exhausting. Get into marriage counselling before you bring a child into this childish drama.
You could have gone without her, not force her to go.
ESH
To be perfectly frank you both sound immature and need others to adhere to your schedule. You wanted to give your niece a toy? Cool do it the next day when you don’t already have plans with your wife, if she’s freaking out about not wanting to be there. Then you both got into a shouting match and insulted each other.
Why are you even together if you seemingly don’t like each other? Rhetorical question. We all know the answer.
ESH. This is not a healthy relationship OP
How come your wife hates going there? Is there animosity between your wife and sister? Has your sister disrespected your wife?
Without more context, it’s hard to discern what’s going on and advise.
I will say that when we get married our partner should come first.
Info: How far away does your sister live? Leaving at 3:15 for a 10 min visit, and getting back by 5?
I wonder if it actually would’ve been a ten minute trip or if your family things turn into longer time spent there. Clearly she doesn’t feel comfortable around your family which is something to be curious about.
It’s impossible to tell without more info.
Scenario 1: you’ve been doing chores and hanging out with your wife all day, and while she reads her book, you want to run to your sister’s for 10 minutes, then be back in time to go to the mall as planned at 5:00.
Scenario 2: you were just at your sister’s yesterday, now you want to go again, it’s not really ten minutes because you leave at 3:15 and either it’s a 45 minute drive each way (which is stupid for a ten minute visit) or you actually are going for more like an hour, and your wife has barely seen you all week and you need to help her with chores. And now you want to drag her to your sister’s when you know she doesn’t want to go.
Which one is it closer to?
All I can say for sure is the 10 minutes thing from 3:15-5 is suspect.
Question why does she hate being there with your family?
INFO: How often do you spend time with your family? How often does your wife come along? How does your wife get along with your family? Has your wife expressed a desire to spend less time with your family before?
INFO: Is this a common occurrence? Arguing for the better part of an hour over a minor event like a drop-in visit to family? Does she often end up needing medical care when she doesn’t get her way? I feel like I need more context to render a judgment.
YTA.
I love my family. I can appreciate that my husband does not love them the way I do. I wouldn’t drag him sick to go see them. And that’s what you did. Your wife is pregnant, feeling like dog shit, and doesn’t want to see your family. And you put your desires over her’s.
If she weren’t pregnant I’d say ESH, you guys have to compromise, but pregnancy is vulnerable and just a crappy time. The fact you ignored all her protests will damage the trust she has in you putting her first, which is really what you need when you’re about to have a traumatic medical event.
NTA. I’ve been pregnant three times and I was never a prick to people. Your wife is over the top.
as someone who’s 36 weeks pregnant, your wife was definitely overreacting but you need to work on being a more sturdy and grounded presence for her. i started getting really emotional and overwhelmed by my hormones when i was as pregnant as your wife and it took my partner a bit to adjust to accomodating my intense moods. your wife cant be rational right now and is going through a LOT. even though she was being unreasonable, its still on you to keep things from blowing up because youre not the pregnant one.
ill also point at that many partners of pregnant people experience significant hormonal changes too so your body is also probably going through a lot. so thats something for you to learn about and reflect on so that youre able to be a grounded presence for your wife amidst all the changes
you both are experiencing
Sounds like neither of you know how to deescalate, for one, and that’s a crucial skill especially for someone with a pregnant partner and then all round when you have a young child stressing you both out
INFO: Why does she hate going here? Why does she mean by always forcing your family into everything?
Without more context on these no judgement can be given.
On the surface she’s being unreasonable but these comments make me think you’re hiding bigger problems with your family to paint yourself in a better light.
YTA. We don’t know what your relationship with your sister looks like. Something about this post gives off that you are more invested in your sister than your wife. You sound like the men who act like dad to their nieces and nephews, but not to their own children/spouse.
You’re wife sounds a smidge dramatic, jealous and manipulative.
As a mom of a current 4 month old, YTA.
What did you expect the reaction to be? Was it that important to go right away? You could not have taken the present over at another time? Seriously, I love my 4-month-old, but they don’t react to a lot of things. They’ve emerge from the fourth trimester and are finding their feet. Unless they’re rattle socks, which can be hit or miss, they really don’t react too much.
I’ve got a few things that stick out at me. One pregnancy makes you hormonal so it’s very possible something like this was made worse by something she has strong emotions over especially if she is feeling neglected. 2. There is not enough information about the family dynamics. Personally by the reaction I think perhaps you often overlook your wife for your family and she knew your visit would not be 10 min. (I had an ex that loved telling people I was trying to keep him from his family but the reality was a 10 min visit always turned into 5+ hours and he’d ditch all other plans made for them because they always needed just a few more minutes). At the end of the day it seems you made plans and then stuck extra plans in the middle without telling her. YTA.
As someone who has a contentious relationship with my partners family I’m going to say YTA. Your wife is pregnant, her hormones are out of whack, her body is changing, she’s growing a HUMAN. You have to be way more patient and compassionate than that, and if you can’t be find supports so you can.
It sounds like she was trying to express how she felt to you, it sounds like you’re not receptive to that. When someone isn’t heard they either get quiet or loud, right now your wife is loud that is actually what you want. When she gets quiet it might be too late. She’s PREGNANT and whether you like it or not, that means she takes priority. If it would only be 10 minutes you could do it another day. Maybe she’s unreasonable, maybe she’s sensitive, maybe she’s emotional, but that all makes sense and is something that you should have prepared for going into having a child.
Your brain literally changes during pregnancy, you have a whole other body system hooked up to yours, and you have increased levels of certain hormones unbalancing your whole body and sense of self. I want you to really imagine that, imagine what it feels like to be your wife right now. She needs you on her side, not arguing with her about your sister. I’m not saying she was being reasonable, I am saying it’s on you to bear the burden of making these moments connective rather than divisive. Listen to her, really listen. Why is she saying what she’s saying? Why is she worried about time? Why doesn’t she want to go over for 10 minutes?
Why did she feel like she had to scream and yell to the point she ended up in the ER? Because that’s not something that just happens, and you’re her support right now. If that’s happening, I’m sorry, but you’re not doing your job.
If she was unreasonable and screamed at you and whatever regularly before becoming pregnant that’s a different issue. But dude, you decided to have a baby, she’s carrying it, you have to carry her.
ETA: The opposite of escalation isn’t letting it go, it sounds like you guys might benefit from couples therapy where you can learn how to better connect.
ETA 2: Writing this out made me realize it’s YTA so I changed my ruling.
ESH. Why is everything so dramatic from both of you? Get it together before you have a child in the mix.
You both are trying to control each other. It was obvious it wasn’t going to be a 10 minute visit. Your wife manipulated the situation big time and needs to calm down, she has a baby to think of. This whole thing is a shit show. You both need to grow up!
Too many “missing reasons” to be able to judge here. Is your family not nice to her? There is a reason she got upset, what is that reason. This is not just about 10 minutes, are you prioritizing your family over your wife, are you making it to her Dr. appts. are you neglecting household chores. There are deeper rooted issues here especially if she got so upset she needed to go to the hospital.
NTA but perhaps some of your family time could done on your own. Find out from your wife if she doesn’t feel like so much visiting right now or if she never has liked visiting so much. Her outburst seems like it might be the latter. Communicate. With your wife. Not with us.
INFO: What is your wife’s dynamic with your family?
For now, I want to say soft YTA. Your wife is pregnant, no that doesn’t excuse her bickering, but she more than likely is feeling sick, exhausted, and hormonal. I’m not saying you need to follow your wife’s orders to the tea, but maybe trying to understand where she’s coming from. You definitely shouldn’t have started name-calling. She’s your wife, not your enemy. I seriously advise you BOTH to start looking into how your going to deal with disagreements that doesn’t end in you insulting one another.
Your post states you saw your sister last week. I can see why your wife may be aggravated about having to make additional stops or her plans being put on pause when you literally just saw said person.
Edit: You saw your sister TWO days ago. Dude, this could’ve waited. You wife is feeling sick and you’re attempting to drag her to plans she did not sign up for.
INFO: how far away does your sister live – you wanted to leave at 3:15 and get back at 5, but also only planned on it being a 10 min stop? I can see why your wife might not think it’s worth it to travel 1.5 hours for a 10 min stop.
And secondly: was there any initial plan for the day; if you only told her 15 min before that you’d be gone the rest of the afternoon, did she have anything else planned for the day before heading to the mall?
NTA. You weren’t forcing her to go. She was being ridiculous having a fit because you said you were going to drop something off at their house. I don’t know what is going on with your wife and sister, but the fact that your original plan did not involve them interacting puts you in the clear. She made herself sick here. That’s not your fault.
Info: is it really 10 minutes or is it hours? Because my partner says 10 minutes and that means at least an hour, probably more.
YTA. If I’m going to read between the lines this isn’t about this one incident but more about the fact that your wife doesn’t want to spend so much time with your family. The better response from her would have been to sit you down and talk about it rather than blowing up, she is pregnant though bud and you’ve got to have some understanding. And then rather than listening you tried to now force her to go see your family with you which is the complete opposite of what she wanted. It wouldn’t have been a big deal to skip if she wanted that and you had such a heated argument your wife had to go to the er. You both need to communicate better but she is quite hormonal right now so not everything is always going to be as rational as it should, you don’t have that excuse you need to have some patience at times.
NTA. She’s pregnant burns grown ass woman who can control herself. Yeah some girls put hormones get the best of us but damn. This was ridiculous. You have every right to see your sister. I don’t care if you just saw her yesterday. If you didn’t have something you had to do right now, you’re allowed to be a grown adult and see people you like. I have 5 kids and a husband and as much as I love my family, I also enjoy time with other people.
Of she got so worked up she needed the ER, she needs to learn to control herself. You weren’t asking her to go in.
I hope her head comes back to normal shortly after birth.
People always say she’s growing a human. Hormones. She tired. She’s this. That’s no excuse. You don’t get to act the fool because you’re pregnant. I acted the fool while
Pregnant and realized it and started taking time to breathe and think before I spoke. I talked to my doctor. You know, acted like an adult. You don’t have to cater to every thought and whim she has.
ESH Your wife sounds like she overreacted, but it also sounds like she is tired of being sidelined in favor of your family. You need to think about why you need to spend almost 2 hours round trip to drop off a toy for your niece on a night your wife thought you had plans. What is the likelihood you would have been home on time to take her to the mall? How often have you decided to spend time away from your wife, or make an evening with her into an evening with your family? If she doesn’t get along with your sister, making her go over there is stressful. The feeling can’t be a new one, you have to know how your wife feels about your family. And if you don’t, you need to ask her directly.
NTA. Based on the given information, your wife was pissed because you had “work and gym” to do, not because you asked her to go or because the mall plan would be ruined. You could’ve deescalated, but it doesn’t make you the asshole here. And the dizzy bit sounded like a manipulative reason for going to the ER and, therefore, making you give up on going and feeling guilty about it all.
I need more context. What has your sister done to your wife? Has anything bad happened? Has your wife been complaining about pain and discomfort and you conveniently forget about it and just think about your niece? Which like cool you love your niece but this is borderline obsession if you’re willing to blow off your wife for your sister’s child… your wife is pregnant with YOUR child… wouldn’t you be obsessed with your little bean and making sure your wife is good? Like it’s not your niece’s birthday or special event. You are literally going out of your way. To do a visit with a person you already saw on Friday, you told your wife that day that you would be doing it right before your plans with her when everyone knows that when you visit family it’s not a 10-minute visit. So we need waaay more context. The way you worded things feels very suspicious.
I feel sorry for your future kid, jfc
“So earlier today I told my wife around 3 that I’d leave at 3:15 … which kinda pissed me off cause I already told her earlier”
By earlier do you mean like 15 minutes before this?
YTA mostly because it sounds like you don’t have a solid concept of time & how long things take
How much time do you get alone with your wife? This sounds like conversations I had with my husband before he started regularly being part of the household. Also, how does she and your family get along? Are they constantly around? How are you helping her manage her pregnancy?
This really seems like one small piece of a much larger issue.
ESH. How often do you visit family? How often does “ten minutes” become hours? How often are plans with your wife shortened, minimized, canceled because you have to involve your family?
Her reaction may have been a bit much, but I suspect you are the much larger A-hole because she said “NO,” explained why and you didn’t give a fvck about her.
What sort of “reaction” do you expect from a FOUR MONTH OLD?
Come on. Where’s the context? starts nudging the suspiciously lumpy blanket
So much missing info
Hello – “she hates going there” why? There’s a missing backstory here. Are you often dismissing her needs?
INFO: What’s the context here? It sounds like your wife has a problem with your sister. Also, what does she mean you’re always forcing them into everything? Sounds like there’s a lot missing here
More info needed. Because it sounds like your wife wanted to spend the day with you, and you were cramming in a visit with your family on top of going to the gym and working? Somewhere in that 40 minute argument your wife surely told you her expectations for the day. Why is that not enough?
Not enough information to given. I would love to hear the wife’s side of things. I have a feeling we are missing a lot of information.
YTA
I’m not mathematician but .. you leave at 315 for a 10 minute visit and get back at 5? It doesn’t add up. Unless you’re driving an 1.5 hours for a 10 minute visit, which, makes no sense.
Idk if you’re an asshole but I know that I would be pissed at my husband for this plan as well especially if we JUST saw sister and niece 2 days prior.
YTA
“Forcing my family into everything” says it all.
she didnt get sick, thats a tantrum
Yall are having a kid together???
Nta. Your wife sounds like a drama queen. I say this as someone who has been pregnant.
YTA
Something tells me these 10 minute visits are never 10 minutes.
Is your idea of “10 minutes” actually 10 minutes or are you one of those 10 minutes = 2 + hours people?
For her to get that upset, I suspect it is the latter and you are in fact the AH.
Why do you have to run this by your wife, just go over there by yourself I do not think that you’re the asshole at all, you’re close to your family and that’s beautiful
Sounds like your wife is the jealous type, and she made herself sick so you had to go to the ER what a piece of work she is
OP, OP, OP
You are leaving out plenty of chunks here.
“She hates to go there” why ?
“Add your family to everything” I feel this might have something to do with it.
“I just really really love…” A very nice sentiment but the way you added it in there makes me feel like you love them so much you want to spend A LOT of time there no ?
Your PREGNANT partner asked you not to go somewhere for a visit you yourself said “is just 10 minutes” but you fought for 40 minutes.
You are a selfish, selfish individual. If it was “just a 10minute visit” why didn’t YOU go do that alone when you didn’t have a schedule with your partner ?
And then to call her selfish and immature as your let’s say it again for the people in the back 20 WEEK PREGNANT partner is sitting there crying.
You had better buy that woman a big bouquet of her favourite flowers, or a new switch game or whatever. And give that woman the apology she deserves.
In case I didn’t make my point abundantly clear YTA
YTA
First of all: She‘s pregnant. Suck it up. Why discuss for 40 minutes?!
Even if you don’t write it down, it’s clear that there‘s reason to believe it wouldn‘t have been just 10 minutes and that this happens too often. Such an urgent need to see your niece that it can’t simply wait a few days is NOT normal. Your behavior is completely excessive. Reorganize your privileges.
NTA. From what I gathered, you did tell her you were going to leave a bit earlier to go see your niece and give her the toy and then you’d come back to get her and go to the mall as you planned. You didn’t force her to come with you, nor did you switch the plans you made with her to do something else instead.
I do agree with the comments that you could’ve been nicer when talking to your wife since most of her words are more hormonal response. But in the situation you mentioned, you’re not in the wrong.
However, I would try to understand what made your wife so against the idea too. Just to make sure it doesn’t happen again.
I’d want a lot more info here before I offer an opinion.
When I was a little kid, my father always wanted to take me with him when he visited his friends on weekends. He’d tell me it would only be 10 minutes, but it always ended up being 2-3 hours of me having nothing to do, no other kids to play with.
YTA for leaving things out and freaking out on her to the point of an ER visit. She wasn’t intentionally overreacting. Her body had a response jfc.
Updateme
ESH would be my initial perspective, but then I also lean towards YTA because instead of arguing for 40 minutes, you could’ve just left, done the visit, and been back—and on top of that you decided to remedy the situation by trying to get your wife to go with you to see the people you just saw the day before yesterday.
How often do you two see your family (and hers, if she likes them)? It can be so dang annoying to have to go see the in-laws, especially weekly—and especially more than once a week. And extra extra extra annoying if you’re pregnant, not feeling great, and just wanting to do something relaxing alone with your husband.
YTA.
At no point during your retelling of the story did you seem to have any concern as to why she didn’t want to go. As you should know, she is growing your child. This is an incredibly difficult thing to do, and makes you feel like garbage 24/7, and puts her life at risk. The least you can do is not force her to see her in laws when she doesn’t want to, and be there for her when she asks.
All of your reasons point to “i wasn’t allowed to do whatever i want whenever i want with no regard to anyone else”. You are about to be a father. It is no longer about you or your needs. You will have to sacrifice your wants (and needs!) to be a father. This isn’t about her “controlling” you, this is about you being a team player and being there for your pregnant wife.
I would be in the E S H if she wasn’t pregnant and hormonal and it was 2 adults failing to communicate. I don’t think this is that simple, or can be written off by pregnancy hormones. At first glance as an outsider, this is about your unwillingness to sacrifice even a small want for your family, which makes you the AH.
NTA your wife just sucks. Reddit hates men so they will say YTA but your wife would of been fine alone for a little so you can go visit your sister.
How much time do you spend with your sister vs your pregnant wife
NTA
Some of these answers are absurd. You can see your family whenever you want and to me it would be a serious issue if my significant other tried to isolate me from them.
Also, calling you useless is mental/emotional abuse.
YTA cuz you’re clearly not telling us the whole story. Even you repeatedly emphasizing how the visit would be 10 min is misleading since you would be “leaving at 3:15pm and coming back at 5pm”
NTA, don’t sacrifice all the relationships in your life for one person. You need a network of support, too.
YNTA. Is this normal behavior for your wife? The fact that she got sick and dizzy makes me think there might have already been something up that caused her to have that reaction… low blood sugar or blood pressure or something? I used to act super unreasonable when my blood sugar dropped before I figured out what was causing it.
Need more info. I bet if we heard why your wife hates going there then the chips would fall to you being TA
YTA
NTA. Your wife just didn’t want you to go there, with or without her, and made a big drama show about it all. Is she trying to isolate you from your sister? Is she resentful or jealous of your relationship with your sister? You did nothing wrong and tried to work it out.
YTA most likely…10 minutes is an hour to you.
That’s so funny. After the first few sentences I was thinking when’s the baby due? And it turns out yes she is pregnant. So you’re basically screwed for what another 5 months? Give up now and abandon all hope
How does a 10 minute visit last from 3:15 – 5pm?
It depends. Maybe you should’ve stayed as the doting uncle and brother instead of getting someone pregnant, so you don’t have to prioritize your baby mama and future child. Or maybe your baby mama is controlling as you said. Need more info.
First off I HIGHLY doubt this was going to be a ten minute visit and I feel your wife knew that. You’re a parent now and you need to learn to delay gratification like an adult. You had plans with your wife to go to the mall at a specific time. That should have been your first priority not giving a four month old a toy to “see” her reaction when she would likely have been asleep anyway and at four months probably wouldn’t have had much of a reaction anyway. You escalated like a toddler when you didn’t get your way and upset your wife to the point she had to go to the ER.
“always forcing my family into everything”
I suspect, based on this quote, that there’s something you’re leaving out of this story.
YTA
Really A LOT missing here. First off, as an adult you should understand that 10 minutes never go as planned. I never believe people who promise just 10 minutes, lol. Especially if babies involved in “seeing how they are doing”. Second, even if it does go only for 10 minutes, then if you go at 3:15 and return at 5, it seems like you are making a long trip – and like, c’mon, your partner is pregnant. Third, it’s not really clear, when did you actually warn your wife you’ll be going? You said you warned her at 3 that you’d go at 3:15. Then I think you said you warned her earlier? The phrasing is unclear for me here. If you warned her just 15 minutes ahead for the first time, there’s nothing even to discuss here.
So, you see now, there’s really a lot of missing info. And I don’t even ask about the relationships between your sister and your wife like others (which I mean I’m not even asking all the questions that arise).
It does look a little sus to me how much you avoided to clarify. Wondering if you’ll answer questions.
If your wife doesn’t want to go, she shouldn’t have to. You can visit your niece on your own, give her the toy, and then head back home by 5 as promised. This way, you get to see your niece, and your wife can still go to the mall as planned.
INFO: how far away does your sister live? 3:15-5:00 isn’t a “10 minute visit” unless they live 30+ minutes away and driving an hour or more round trip for a 10 minute visit is wild unless it’s something urgent.
YTA for yelling at your pregnant wife. And a 4 month old , no matter how cute she is , is going to react to a toy in the same way she would react to any new object.
Kind of rude if you already had plans with your wife. I don’t know about your family but a 10 min “pop in” takes at least an hour in mine.
But if there weren’t already plans, fine to see your sister last minute with a heads up.
Don’t yell at your unreasonable pregnant wife. She shouldn’t be yelling at you either, but a little space for unreasonableness.
Sounds to me that your wife was jealous of you going over to spend some time with your sister and her new baby instead of spending time with your pregnant wife,
ESH you were good when you were communicating your plans for the day. But this sounds like a whole lot of missing reasons of why your wife would freak out like this over you popping over to your sister’s/not interrupting plans you’ve already set with your wife. Seems like you’ve canceled on her many times before. Your wife is also in the wrong for not being able to communicate her feelings in a way that wouldn’t give her, basically, a panic attack.
You felt she was trying to control you because she was. Why would you make a baby with this person?
ESH
Why you’re having a kid if you don’t have your family’s shit together is baffling.
Your wife and baby’s health are paramount. Clearly sounds like there’s plenty of resentment and anger about your family’s involvement that seems to be going unheard.
Start listening to your wife and get some therapy, before you bring a kid into the middle of your messy drama
Yta
Yeah, we definitely need more info to decide. I’ll be honest, visiting family multiple times in a week is ridiculous imo.
NTA. You planned your day to include your plan to visit your niece that left plenty of time to fulfill the plans you made with your wife. She proceeded to instigate an argument that took longer than your planned visit would have taken. I understand your wife is pregnant, but is she medically fragile? You seem to feel guilty about her being at the ER, but is she actually having a true medical emergency or is she there for a panic attack that could have been safely handled at home? I say that as a woman who has a panic disorder and had also had an extremely high risk pregnancy, so I’m not completely discounting her need for medical help. But you also realize most ERs will treat any symptom, no matter how minor, as urgent when presented by a pregnant woman.
Even with all that, there’s some stuff you should be doing some serious self-examination for. Your wife says you bring your family into everything. Of course, you’re allowed to be involved with your family, but is it possible you’re overinvolved? Do you spend time with them to the detriment of time spent with your wife? Do you value their opinions over hers? You also say your wife doesn’t feel comfortable visiting your sister. Have you asked her why? Is there something you need to address with your sister to stand up for your wife?
NAH unless there’s some missing info here such as some weird history with your family or a history of your wife regularly behaving like this when not pregnant or sick.
I once was having a seriously difficult time executing an incredibly simple series of tasks. I understood what to do. I could explain the steps, the rules for if-then and what to do with no issue at all. And I just…could…not…execute it. Over and over. And it was nothing difficult nor even particularly new.
It was one of those funny-frustrating things. I was wondering “what the hell, why am I like this? Am I stupid?” until the migraine headache kicked in 10 minutes after I finally succeeded. Suddenly, the past hour made a lot of sense. If the headache had coincided with onset of other migraine symptoms, I’d have recognized what was going on right away. But I’d been impaired and unaware of it.
The next time I attempted it, I executed it flawlessly.
You mention your wife got dizzy and nauseous and needed to see a doctor. I wonder if she had already actually been experiencing some level of illness and maybe not been entirely aware. Dehydration and low blood sugar can both look a lot like what you’re describing, with irritability, dizziness, and nausea. And it’s entirely possible for both the person experiencing this and someone interacting with them not to recognize it for what it is until it gets more severe. The person experiencing it because they’re a bit cognitively impaired by it, and the other person because they can’t feel what’s going on – they’re simply on the receiving end of the irritability.
Has she been being monitored for gestational diabetes?
Without any other context, I’m not inclined to call either of you assholes over this one incident, despite the things you said to eachother. You two do need to have a discussion about it, though.
Not enough info, but we are adults here, don’t kid ourselves. 10 minutes are rarely really 10 minutes when we visit family. 10 minutes don’t even include the trip there. With a conversation, the interaction with your niece, “have a coffee before you go”, and social interactions like that, it won’t be less than 30 minutes. And your wife says that “she hates going there”. That is not by accident.
From what I can gather with the limited info OP has provided, his wife is tired of him running to his family. And the fact they had an hour long argument over him saying he was going to drop by his sister’s place, says that he often does things like this. Now I’m not saying that family isn’t important, but reading between the lines, it seems OP is quite attached to his family, and may often skip other routines, to make “quick pop ins” on a regular basis, as hinted by his wife saying they were over there very recently. I think OP hasn’t cut the cord and it is going to create a huge problem in the future with his wife.
YTA.
Why are you lying about timing? You say you’re “stopping by for 10 minutes” but really you’re going to be gone for an hour 45 minutes. And you just saw your niece Friday, bought her a toy Saturday and are insisting on seeing her on Sunday to give it to her? To “see her reaction”? She’s 4 months old – she has no reaction. They don’t even need toys at that age.
I’m going to say not enough information however leaning towards YTA. Because you lack info I’m going to say your wife is greatly irritated with you fawning over your niece as you were just there Friday. How much time do you fawning over your pregnant wife? I’m guessing not as much since she expressed her irritation and you unloaded on her. You got immediately upset with her and was defensive telling me you know your attention has been on your niece not your pregnant wife. Yelling at your wife is a great move then have the balls to ask if YTA. Gee I wonder.
NTA with the details given.
Classic addict behaviour
Way way wayyyyyy too many variables to judge this properly.
How often does this happen? How often do you say “it’ll just be 10 minutes” with genuine intention of only being there 10 minutes but then you get caught up in conversation and suddenly you’ve been there an hour? Have plans with your wife been delayed or rescheduled because of you getting sidetracked on quick visits to your family? Did you hang out at home with your wife all day and want to step out to see your niece quickly or were you out most of the day without her?
You said your wife is overracting, sing she’s foolish, immature…. you really need to take a long look in the mirror. All those words can also describe yourself.
This day was meant to be family day with your wife…. not add in a side trip that could have been done later. Wanting to give your niece the gift “now” was all about you and what you wanted. You failed to plan better — get the gift before you saw her on Friday.
Then trying to combine your niece and your wife into one trip to “save time”. That doesn’t make your wife feel special or important.
Your first priority is your wife and children you’ll have together. Your sibling and their children should not be coming first in your life. Your wife is right in being upset with you.
YTA
Is 10 minutes actually 10 minutes? Or are you dragging your pregnant and uncomfortable wife to places she doesn’t want to go for hours?