My husband and I have 3 kids, Emmett (15), Eloise (13), and Eden (8). We live in a 4 bedroom house that is within 45 minutes driving distance from some of the best colleges (public and private) in the state.
My niece, Sydney (20) asked if she could move in with us while she goes to school 30 minutes away so she could save on dorm fees. I told her she could stay with us but not to expect her own room and that she’d be helping with the kids.
My husband and I were talking about putting Eloise and Eden in Eloise’s room and giving Sydney Eden’s room but Eloise and Eden don’t get along too well, plus Eden has some kind of stomach issue (we are going to specialists and getting blood and stool tests, it’s just taking a while to diagnose) that involves her waking up multiple times a night to use the bathroom and she vomits a lot.
We decided to move Eloise to Eden’s room (the smallest), Emmett to Eloise’s room (medium sized), and we put Sydney and Eden in Emmett’s room. It’s the biggest, it has 2 closets, it’s right next to a bathroom, and it’s the most private (it’s on the other side of the house from all of the bedrooms.
Sydney moved in in the end of July. Her responsibilities are: drive all 3 kids to school, take Eden to doctors appointments/labs that I can’t leave work for, stay with the kids for 1-2 hours after school, and help with Eden at night. Most nights it’s not a big deal. She’s able to get to the bathroom by herself but some nights she isn’t able to make it to the bathroom. Sometimes she throws up. Sometimes she wakes up with a tummy ache and needs a little help going back to sleep. Sydney can get us but she’s expected to try to resolve the situation herself first. She doesn’t pay rent, utilities, car payments, insurance, gas, groceries, etc. and we give her about $150/week as payment.
This doesn’t interfere with her schoolwork. She’s free between 8 and 3 and is able to leave the house to study after one of us gets home. She’s never complained to us about having to help with the kids. In fact, she offers to put Eden to bed or pick her up from school when she has to go home early.
Sydney’s parents were on a video call with her when she had to help clean Eden up after vomiting and she explained that she’s responsible for Eden at night. They started complaining to us that we’re using their daughter for cheap labor. I told them how much we spend on their daughter but they’re still insisting that it’s not ok that she’s the one taking care of Eden at night.
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> I might be the asshole because I have my niece taking care of my medically fragile daughter while she lives with us.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
If you didn’t change the names of all these children, YTA.
YTA Some of your requests are reasonable other’s are not. Your niece’s parents have a point. Taking care of your sick child is your responsibility. Hopefully, your niece will move out into the dorms or a more reasonable living arrangement because as it stands you’re treating her like an indentured servant.
YTA. Making her responsible for your ill child is too much to ask.
YTA Honestly I was onboard until the sick kid. Getting up multiple times a night to deal with that isn’t reasonable. Eden should have her own room and you should be dealing with it. She’s your child and she’s unwell, she wants and deserves her parents. Also I would look up the cost of night nanny’s to children with needs and you will see where her parents are coming from.
Cut the $150 a week and the night wakings and it seems pretty fair for all
YTA, man. That’s a full time overnight nurse for $150 a week, and she doesn’t even get her own room.
She should start looking for a better situation if she’s able to do that kind of care. Something closer to her school, with much higher pay and her own room. YT even bigger asshole if you don’t give her great references.
N T A for having her help out in exchange for boarding.
YTA though for making her clean up your kids vomit when you’re home yourself.
YTA – It’s weird to have her take care of your child at night. Her helping is fine but she’s a free live in nanny for you. And I’m willing to bet that if you compare the cost of a live in nanny vs dorm fees, she’s saving you money.
YTA
She’s not a full-time nanny for your sick 8 year old. She shouldn’t be sharing the room with her. How the hell is she supposed to sleep for her studies?
And she can’t necessarily leave classes to take the kid to the doctor either. It’s one thing if she’s not in class, but if you have work and she has classes, you’re the parent, you’re the one who should leave, or reschedule the appointment.
Hopefully she can save up to move into the dorm. I get that there’s not no benefit to her in this arrangement, but on balance you’re taking advantage.
YTA, not just to Sydney but also to Eden. To Sydney, because this is just too much to ask of her, but also to Eden, because a sick kid wants her parents, not her cousin. I can’t imagine how Eden must feel, knowing her parents can’t be bothered to get up and help her.
YTA. There’s helping with the kids, and then there is parenting. You are essentially turning your niece into a nanny and night nurse. I assume you were able to take care of your vomiting kid before Sydney lived there.
Sydney should move into the dorms.
YTA. It all seemed reasonable until having to take care of your sick child in the evenings. To help if you’re away is one thing, but daily is a bit much. How can you stay in bed knowing your kids sick down the hall every night?
YTA Some level of chores is expected and she’s able to help you by driving the kids to school and to hospital appointments. Her being a babysitter for two hours every week day and every night (for a sick child) is not. She’s unable to fully live her university experience as she has so much responsibility.
She’s agreed to this but she’s also clearly unaware of how unreasonable your requests are. You know, and should not have taken advantage.
Is Sydney a nursing student? YTA. Take care of your own child’s sickness.
YTA you’re treating her like a full-time nanny for your Eden. Taking the kids to school in the morning is reasonable. Watching them 3-5 is essentially caring for Eden, as 15 and 13 are old enough to care for themselves after school. Accompanying to occasional medical appointments is reasonable. Being a night nurse for a sick child is not. Expecting her to clean your daughter’s vomit when you are home is not. Your niece sounds like a lovely person who cares about her cousins and you are taking advantage. Also, your ill child deserves to have parental attention when she is sick and you are available at home.
YTA everything is reasonable except the nighttime responsibilities. That blows past the line of acceptability and should be on you and your spouse.
YTA
I don’t have a problem with some of these expectations, like driving them to school(assuming she’s not in class or it’s on the way) and taking doctor’s appointments that you can’t(assuming that’s even legal because she wouldn’t be able to make even small medical decisions without being a legal guardian in a lot of places)but as a whole it sounds like you’re pawning your kids off on your niece so you don’t have to deal with them. Expecting a 20 year old to take care of a chronically sick child is over the top.
YTA. There is helping out to cover costs, but it does sound like you’re using her for cheap labor. And she’s a college student rooming with an 8 year old? And one who throws up and needs help getting back to sleep at night? You acknowledge you’re going through medical testing for her. That’s too much to put on your niece, and as her parent, why wouldn’t you want to be doing that?
Some are saying Sydney hasn’t complained, but has it occurred to you that maybe she didn’t feel comfortable complaining or that she is desperate? Helping out is one thing, but you have a complete nanny/housekeeping service. You seem to forget that this is your niece and she is a college student. Where is her own personal time and time for fun? Do you even like your niece?
YTA the night wakings are crossing a line. That’s doing a disservice to both Sydney and your kid and is highly inappropriate. That’s already a lot of daytime responsibility for a kid in college.
YTA. The sick kid is your responsibility not a broke college student you’re using as a live in nanny with zero pay lol
Bloody hell, everything was fine until you expect her to look after your sick child! Plus, you’ve moved them to the other side of the house, so they don’t disturb anyone! Cruel all round.
YTA – Some chores are completely different to palming your most difficult kid on someone else when they should be studying and adequately sleeping for school.
How does Eden feel about you deciding to no longer parent them?
Appropriate chores are doing the dishes, walking the dog, washing the car, taking out the trash and perhaps babysitting one night or two nights a week. Not take over parenting your child.
This has to be rage bait. No one is this out of touch.
I would charge you £20/h overnight minimum to be a night nurse to your child
YTA. All the requests are reasonable up until Eden.
I just worry how Eden feels about not having her parents after certain hours when she gets sick at night. At that age there wouldn’t have been anyone else I wanted other than my parents. Especially after vomiting and not making it to the bathroom.
Edited for change of verdict. Poor Eden already knows she is mommy’s little burden. Yikes.
YTA. Helping out is fine, having to share a room with a sick child and take care of them every night is too much.
You say it doesn’t interfere with her school work, but it absolutely will. The lack of sleep from having to get up with Eden all the time will start to affect her school work.
YTA. Get a nanny.
YTA you and your husband are terrible people. She isn’t your slave
YTA simply because this is just a bad arrangement for your family. Sydney’s presence in your house caused your own kids to be displaced from their own rooms and now Eden has to share a room. I can’t imagine they were thrilled about the disruption. Also, parents should be taking care of their own sick child. I would never expect anybody else to clean up my child’s vomit.
YTA, cleaning up your kids vomit and comforting her when sick is a parents job. The rest of it seems reasonable. I can’t imagine what your kid is going to feel like when they’re older and realise
You palmed her off on her cousin when she was ill.
YTA. I was on board until the overnight bit. That’s not fair to either of them.
YTA. This is a lot of responsibility to put on her. It is your job as the parent to take care of your sick child. It’s understandable helping here and there with them but it’s still your responsibility. If something goes wrong then you’re going to blame Sydney when it is YOUR job to take care of your children.
YTA, bigly.
YTA. Expecting her to help out is one thing, but you’re expecting her to be a live in nanny at this point. Well above a fair trade. You’re taking advantage of her.
YTA, not necessarily for the level of contribution that she has to make but making her so heavily responsible for your sick child does.
YTA
150 for about 10 hours of childcare a week plus nighttime nursing, school drop offs, drs appointments (which should be parental responsibility for consent and such), and and whatever else you pull out your ass? This is more than just helping out now and then, this is you trying to get a nanny on the cheap to offload your responsibilities without thinking of the impact it has on her life.
I’m thinking she hasn’t complained because school is expensive as hell and the dorm fees could be daunting. But the deal she’s getting is a shit one. This feels grossly exploitative for your own family.
YTA. A contribution is fair but in my opinion… this is your kid and the demands mentioned (taking care of your ill child at night) should be on your shoulders.
In regards to what’s being asked of Sydney, it doesn’t matter if it’s not every night – it still has the potential to be every night and that IS a big deal.
Your poorly child is your responsibility – honestly if I was your child I would want my parents looking after me anyway – and sure, some people MAY have a nanny but Sydney is not that.
YTA. Some of this is reasonable, the waking up in the night to look after your sick child is not.
Yta. Don’t expect her to keep talking to you guys once she realizes the true value of all the work she is doing for you.
YTA just for saying that Sydney can come get you but is expected to try to resolve the situation first herself.
YOU’RE THE PARENT. DO THE PARENTING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT
YTA. If you’re in the US, you’ve created an illegal and exploitative au pair situation that Sydney and her family could pretty easily have you prosecuted for. Knock it off.
Guests and tenants can be expected to take care of their own maintenance tasks (laundry, tidying their space, even purchasing and cooking their own food if you prefer). They cannot be used for regular childcare and housekeeping tasks for the landlord/host. The penalties for continuing with what you’re doing are severe. For your own wellbeing if nothing else, you need to stop it immediately. It would be safest to also pay your niece for services rendered up until now.
Reference: https://www.irs.gov/individuals/international-taxpayers/au-pairs
https://www.law.cornell.edu/cfr/text/22/62.31
https://www.dol.gov/agencies/whd/fact-sheets/79b-flsa-live-in-domestic-workers
YTA. She can get you but “is expected to try to resolve the situation herself first.” WTF?!? She’s 20 years old and a college student, while you have a child sick with something you’re trying to get to the bottom of. The child is not her responsibility. I hope the student’s parents come to their senses and pay for proper housing for her.
YTA sounds like you wanted to exploit your niece for unpaid help with your kids and you’re mad your plan got foiled 🤷🏻♀️
YTA
Your sick child deserves her parents, not her cousin.
A 20 year old cousin who has to be responsible for your sick child? YTA
Helping out is good, but you’re taking advantage of her.
YTA big times! You have a cheap nanny and you don’t even clean up the little one when you home. You take advantage big time.
Give her at least an own room.
YTA, you are taking advantage of her and this is far beyond “contributing”. It’s completely inappropriate for her to be daily caring for your sick child, taking her to appointments and cleaning up her vomit etc.
YTA. Caring for a medically complex child is not the responsibility of your niece.
YTA.
I understand contributing to rent, which should really come from her parents, but why the hell is it up to her to be your nanny or babysitter?
YTA you are pushing your parental responsibilities like nighttime sick care off on her. You are getting much more than you are giving. You are an AH , I hope she finds somewhere else to live so you will have to parent your children.
YTA for the “take her to doctors appointments I can’t make” ask alone. That’s absolutely unreasonable to ask for any non-parent adult, let alone one who’s only 20 and doesn’t have kids of their own.
YTA.
It’s self-serving to frame this as “helping out for free room and board.” You made Sydney responsible for nighttime care of a sick child and even put them in the same room, guaranteeing her broken sleep and constant on-call duty. That’s not “helping with the kids,” it’s unpaid, exhausting labor. Expecting that from a full-time student is unreasonable.
I think you are totally taking the piss out of that girl. Fair enough ask her to help around the house etc but you are basically turning her into your full time nanny. You should be ashamed of yourself
YTA. Assuming a CNA makes $20 per hour (nevermind overnight premium pay) you’re getting over $1100 of evening labor per WEEK just for the overnights. Nevermind the private duty chauffeur and nanny work you’re getting during the day. And you’re making this untrained kid deal with biohazardous waste, chronic illness, no solid sleep, and no privacy to have her own guests. It’s shameful that you’re taking advantage of a child and cheating your child out of the comfort and care she deserves. I’m embarrassed for you that you think any of this is okay
YTA because who’d want to share a room with a vomiting kid? Her illness should be the parents’ responsibility, not the niece’s.
Soft YTA. Not disagreeing that financially, your niece is getting a great deal. But making her deal with YOUR SICK CHILD is kind of an extra asshole move. Doctors appointments are perhaps OK, but making her get up in the night to clean up vomit, that’s pretty crappy of you. She’s your niece trying to get an education, not a servant.
Info
How much is she saving on dorm fees?
It certainly seems like you are getting substantially the better end of the deal which means you’re exploiting your nice but open to hearing the financials.
Sounds like you’re taking advantage of her. It’s the on call overnight stuff that seems excessive. Take care of your own sick child
YTA wtf. You want free labor. Your niece should be concerned with her classwork.
This sounds miserable for EVERYONE involved
YTA for making her care for YOUR sick child. Look up how much a nanny is and see the little money and things you give her isn’t adequate. Also she’s in college and is spending most of her time caring for your kids.
YTA.
Sydney is your niece that you love? Your family member?
And you’re willing to “help” her out by giving her $150 a week in return for sharing a room with a child, 10 hours of childcare weekly, being responsible for a (seemingly VERY ill) child every night, AND medical appointments? While she is a full time student and has to drive 45 mins to classes?
Yikes.
I was forced to live like this because I had nobody to look out for me as a young adult and wanted better for my future. I would never ever do this to my own family member. I carry the resentment to this day.
In what world did it make more sense for the 8 year old to room with the adult and not the teenager?
YTA: no explanation, you knew what you were doing.
YTA. You are way over the line making her take care of your child every single night!
YTA Your expectations for your niece’s contributions are absolutely unreasonable and the compensation is insufficient for her assigned duties. She is a full time college student sharing a room with a sick child and working ‘on call’ 17 hours a day. You are exploiting her.
YTA. I would she were my child I would give her money and have her move out of your house ASAP. You are mistreating and taking advantage of her.
YTA. I read above that you have been “doing this for 6 months and need a break.” Then hire skilled help, don’t take advantage of your young niece!! Some people shouldn’t have kids.
YTA oh my god this is wild. You’re taking so much advantage of this girl. I hope she finds a new place to live before she burns out being your live in nanny
YTA caring for a child’s medical issues is their parent’s job
You’re expecting too much. She’s a full time student. YTA.
Better to just charge her a small fee for the food and occasionally ask her to help with the kids.
Live-in nannies charge thousands of dollars per month, even if you’re giving them room and board. You’re expecting her to do that for free, while being a full time student.
She may say she enjoys it / doesn’t mind, but she’s probably being polite. She surely didn’t expect to be spending hours per day every day caregiving.
YTA, so your niece is a live in nanny that makes less then $1000/mo.
YTA. Take responsibility for your child. If
You need a break look into respite workers or nurses. Don’t expect free labor from your niece ffs.
Sydney needs to move into the dorms.
This isn’t okay. The nighttime care of your daughter should not at all be the responsibility of your niece. Your niece should not be taking your medically fragile daughter to her medical appointments you can’t manage.
Helping with the kids otherwise for 150 a week, that’s fine. A part-time job during college, a few hours a day is great.
She’s free between 8-3 for classes!… and can leave to study after we get home! You know better.
Her parents are correct, you’ve gone beyond helping out, to having a staff member with responsibilities.
It absolutely should not be “expected she try and resolve the situation herself, first.” She shouldn’t be awakened by your daughter, your daughter should be coming to you.
You’ve enlisted her as a full-time 24-hour swing shift Nanny. Even with “all you spend on her” and the 150 a week…(That should be the base for the few hours every day she’s handling after school until you get home.)
You still aren’t remotely paying for the kind of 24 hour swing care you have made her responsible for. Let alone the added “medically fragile child”. You know that.
I was a nanny. You’ve written this to make it look as good as possible, as fair as possible, and it’s just not.
YTA. She’s 20 and in school and you work her like a slave. $150 a week? A WEEK? To- take YOUR children to school 5x a week (she’s also in school), take YOUR sick child to her dr appts (she also has somewhere important to be- college), babysit YOUR kids for 2 hours each day after school (she also had school during the day), cleanup after YOUR very ill child’s vomit and diarrhea (as if she didn’t wake up, drive YOUR children to school, go to class all day, come home and babysit YOUR kids, and wake up multiple times a night to tend to YOUR kids). I’m convinced you moved her in to have a servant. And what do you mean she doesnt pay car payments, insurance, gas??? Do her parents/herself not pay for those? Is she using your car for all that? Or her own? Regardless, $150 for all that work, on top of her studies, is vastly underpaid and overworked. And she can’t even get her own room because your 13 doesn’t want to be around her own sister? I hope she realizes how badly you’re using her and figures something else out
Uh yeah the health problems amd lack of sleep are a bit much. Im not gonna say you’re an A tho. At the end of the day she’s not trapped and hasn’t personally complained
I was with you until you detailed everything. Having to share a room with a sick 8-yr old and care for her overnight is taking advantage.
Having said that, you’re not obligated to house your niece either. She/her parents would also be aholes if they think they could dictate what you do instead of just moving your niece out and renting her a room somewhere.
YTA
YTA. Take your sick kid to the doctor yourself. Your niece has no business knowing your kid’s medical history in such detail. Plus, your niece won’t advocate for your kid like you will.
You are using your niece to parent your kids. Again, YTA.
You’re exploiting your niece and it’s gross.
YTA. Give her a break Geeze!
Massive YTA. This isn’t a fair level of helping out, this is loading her without regard for whether she has anything left over for her own life after academics and whatever work she’d have to do for her own savings and spending.
We get it, your life with a sick child is hard, but that doesn’t give you the right to go exploit her.
YTA. At this point she’s not “helping out” she’s a full-time nanny that you’re vastly under-paying and that’s a lot for a 20 y.o. college student. Of course she’s not complaining, she feels obligated to be grateful that y’all are letting her stay there, but that doesn’t mean y’all aren’t taking advantage of the situation. Also, your kids having to now move and in one case share a room isn’t fair to them either. This is a bad situation all the way around.
YTA get a babysitter or do it yourself. Stop being lazy and treating your niece like a slave. Sharing a room with a kid isn’t some flex like you think it is
You are exploiting TF out of her. This is pretty brutal. YTA.
Also, as a parent, there is no job which would prevent me from being at my medically fragile child’s doctor appointment. NONE
Also also: lol @ you listing your car payment, insurance, and gas as some kind of benefit for her when she’s driving your sick child to the doctor.
“contributing to the household” is doing the dishes, helping with other chores, paying a little for rent and groceries, etc. Your children are your own responsibility. Your niece shouldn’t be expected to take your 8 year old to the doctors office literally ever. You just wanted someone to take care of your chronically I’ll child for you.
YTA. The room isn’t private! She’s living with a sick 8 year old. Driving your children and taking Eden to appointments and cleaning up her vomit every night sounds like a full-time nanny job.
Sidney has assignments she has to complete outside of her classes. That work takes time. College is not a part-time endeavor, unless Sidney has a partial class schedule.
I hope she realizes that paying for a dorm room is worth it, before her nanny job affects her grades.
YTA the nighttime care is too much. You’re the child’s parent, you should be taking care of your sick child at night.
YTA. This girl is trying to pursue higher education. She may not see how much you’re taking advantage of her, but her parents do. It is YOUR responsibility to comfort your sick child in the middle of the night, and your child will not get that sort of parental comfort from their cousin. Sydney should also, definitely, not be relied upon to keep track of incidents, accidents, flare-ups, and whatever else kind of information you should be communicating to your child’s doctor. In kind, she should not be relied upon to tell you word-for-word what your child’s doctor said regarding their illness. For pretty much anything outside of a blood draw, this is an all-around terrible idea. YOU should be taking your child to the doctor. Sure, some professional nannies are comfortable taking on those responsibilities, but Sydney is not a professional nanny. She’s a college student, trying to do her family some favors so that she can live closer to school.
YTA. Your niece seems like a wonderful human being. You do not. Sleep is crucial in university settings and as we all know university is not cheap or easy, so she’s already being set up for failure. And as someone who was an involuntary night nurse, reality starts to fracture if you go on this way with no relief long term. This is absolutely impacting her academics and is way too much to ask for mere room and board. You’re taking advantage.
Wtf? YTA. Take care of your own children.
YTA You’ve created a situation that’s actually harder on her than living in a dorm, in every way except financially. Let’s break it down like this: Even if she was working a part time job while being a student, she wouldn’t be doing daily shifts on top of over night on call shifts. Even then, $150 for that type of child care is what most live in Nanny’s make in a day – actually less where I’m from. You’re giving her weekly what she would be paid daily, providing aspects that are typically included in this type of employment as if they’re perks and haven’t provided private accommodation simply because she’s your niece. As an employer (which is what you are at this point) you should try to understand you have eliminated any aspect of a work life balance, because school, work and home are all the same place for your niece. I think the parents are under reacting honestly.
YTA.
If you want to treat your niece like a live-in part time nanny, then you need to pay her.
YTA- Eden is going to remember this when you are too old and sick to take care of yourself and it’s time to pick out your nursing home. Set your expectations low about what kind of institution you will end up in, as Karma has a way of coming back in the end.
YTA
You are basically treating your niece as an Au Pair but not providing the things you would be legally required to if this was an actual Au Pair situation. So yes, you are absolutely taking advantage of your niece.
I was with you up until you started laying out the duties for your niece. You are absolutely taking advantage of her and are absolutely YTA
Holy bananas, YTA. You chose to have three kids. Just charge your niece rent like a normal person rather than expecting her to be a parent because you don’t want to.
This sounds a little like slavery. Indentured servitude at the very least. YTA
YTA. You’re taken advantage of your niece and have decided she should be almost full-time carer to your child! If you had asked her for help in house chores, it would be one thing, but off loading your kids onto another person like that, you are 100 per cent the asshole. It would be much better for her to move to the dorm rooms.
YTA, she wants to move in to make her life easier and you give her a list of chores and responsibilities.
The only responsibility she should have is picking up after herself and buying her own food, helping with the kids should be at her own choice and convenience.
I understand her not getting her own room as her moving in should not interrupt your kids life but everything else is a lot to put on her.
I don’t think cleaning up your sick child’s vomit and other bodily functions should be the job of anyone but the parent.
I agree with Sydney’s parents. She should not be expected to deal with a child vomiting on a regular basis. You said Eden has some kind of undiagnosed condition – it is wholly unfair that you put the overnight burden on an 18 year old. I was appalled when I read that she is tasked with this burden.
YTA
You’re using your niece so you don’t have to be parents. You’re being a dick both to her and to your kids.
I was with you completely until you talked about all she is expected to do to help with Eden. That’s outrageous.
YTA
If she is your full-time nanny, then you need to be paying her better on top of utilities and rent – like around 20 PER HOUR to mother your sick child. I can’t believe you actually think 120 a week (?!?!) ontop of room and board is okay for what you have her doing.
YTA. I can understand picking the kids and dropping them off, and maybe occasionally taking her to the doctor, but at this point, for 150 dollars a week for childcare, especially for a daughter who seems like she has more demanding needs, you’re taking advantage of her. That costs out to about 21 dollars a day. And yes, she’s living with you free of charge, but I would be so angry if that was my kid you were putting in the position of doing what should be primarily your job. Especially because Eden would probably prefer to have you there when she needs help. Eden is YOUR child, not Sydney’s. Sheesh, what is this, a Dickens novel?
YTA what makes you think any other human can replace a parents care for their sick child? You’re also TA for letting your niece live with you in exchange to be a live in nanny and night nurse. Helping around the house a little is loading the dishwasher maybe folding some laundry and cleaning up after herself. What you’re asking of her is your job as a parent taking care of your daughter when she’s sick is your job wtf is wrong with you? I have chronically ill children and I would never leave them when they are sick and outsource comforting them to someone else.
YTA, because you’re using your niece to take care of your sick child. And this isn’t about your niece helping out — which, to be honest, she’s already doing far beyond what’s reasonable — it’s about the fact that your sick child probably wants their parents around, not to be left alone. This isn’t about chores or about your niece not doing enough around the house. It’s about you being an asshole to your own child and taking advantage of your niece’s situation. It’s awful. Honestly, I can only hope your niece gets out of there soon, and that you learn to be a better mother to your daughter
You are absolutely and totally the AH
drive kids to school before class: providing she doesn’t have classes that start at 7; reasonable
Everything else makes you the AH
They are Your kids, not hers
She should not be losing sleep to care for your child
She should not be missing classes to take your child to Doctors appointments!
YTA to both your niece and your chronically ill child.
YTA – that’s not contributing, you’ve taken advantage of her and turned her into a full-time nanny.
Her parents are right. Pay Sydney fairly which would be at 4x what you are paying her per week.
But she really should move into the dorms where it’s easier to live and she can socialise with her classmates.
God this sounds like a depressing Dickens novel; he always had mistreated family members in his stories.
You are exploiting a young family member who is trying to live her life responsibly with less debt, you’ve got her being a live in nanny with night nurse duties. Do you how much that should cost you? Way more than she is “saving” in rent.
YTA!
Yta you’re exploiting your niece. Did you even ask her what she wanted in this arrangement
YTA you’ve lost your damn mind
To contribute, sure. Everything you are requiring of her is exploitation. You are awful 😖 I wonder how you’d feel if it were your child being taken advantage of. YTA
YTA. I’m sure you’re struggling but expecting your niece to spent every night on call to care for a sick child, in addition to providing hours of daily child care, is so out of line I’m not even sure this post is real.
So both my brother and I have Crohn’s disease and have since we were children. I’m very familiar both with caring for sick kids and being a sick kid. GI illness, particularly chronic GI illness is super embarrassing and I cannot imagine how violated I would feel if my parents had a cousin help instead of getting out of bed to help when we were ill. If I realized my brother was ill in the middle of the night, my sole responsibility was to go get my parents so they could help, even though, since it was the same illness, I probably knew what needed to happen.
And your poor niece must be terrified. At 20, having a chronically ill 8 yo (even worse than 13, which i originally misread) be your responsibility overnight without any training and it’s not your child is simply not a reasonable expectation.
YTA
Edit: I misread, it’s the 8 year old, not even the 13 year old!
YTA!
YTA. This is exploitive. The level of expectation that you are placing on your niece for your kids is appalling. Seems like she was hoping for a favor but it turns out to skew much the opposite way as you are the ones most certainly benefitting. Your kids your responsibility. Occasional childcare is in now way what you are asking or getting from her.
YTA, parent your own sick child and stop exploiting someone who is supposed to be family. I can’t imagine making my niece clean vomit and get up during the night with MY child. I also would never expect my sick child to suddenly have to share a room with a young adult because it makes my own life easier
YTA, i imagine the amount of her hours of childcare $$ would be a lot more than her rent share
So instead of studying, you thought you could dump all your childcare responsibilities onto this young lady. Either you don’t like her or your own kids.
Sorry OP. You sound like you have a terrible time managing your own brood. If you are overwhelmed, you shouldn’t have offered board for your niece. Sounds like you had ulterior motives beyond what you shared up front with her.
Not a good move. Salvage a relationship if you can.
Expecting your niece to ‘resolve the situation first’ with your daughter who has health issues, is beyond taking advantage IMO.
There’s a difference between some babysitting duties and being responsible for a sick child.
Lmao what the fuck obviously YTA. Sorry you’re tired of cleaning up vomit and crap but that is definitely not a reasonable request for someone already adjusting her whole schedule to yours to make sure she watches your kids while she attends college.
YTA – switch Eloise and Eden – let Eden have the room to herself so when she is sick it isn’t disturbing anyone but you, her parents. Take care of your daughter.
It’s fine to ask niece to help with babysitting, driving even some medical appointments – dorm fees are thousands of dollars per semester so it makes since she would do some extra work.
But absolutely not over night, not for vomiting, etc. that’s for parents or skilled nursing. You say most nights it’s not a big deal – then you deal with it
A nanny would have her own room and be paid more, even without having to deal with special medical needs.
I was fully prepared from the title, specifically the word “contribute”, to see a story about a young adult that didn’t think they had to do chores. Of course everyone in the house should contribute. This is beyond a normal contribution, like you would expect from your teenage kids. This is a job. YTA
INFO: was this arrangement communicated to Sydney prior to her moving in, and more importantly, with enough time for her to still find a dorm room if she declined?
It’s one thing to tell her that she might not get her own room and that she’d have to help with the kids, but a completely different thing to make her share a room with an 8 year old that regularly doesn’t sleep through the night, frequently wakes up with health issues, and the expectation that Sydney would need to take care of that (on top of driving the kids to school every day and babysitting for a couple hours every day).
YTA
You’re treating your niece like a nanny.
If it was just school drop off, after school care occasionally + share of chores around the house, that’d be reasonable. But you’ve got her doing that, doctor’s appointments that you don’t take time off work for, and night nurse to one child.
You’re the parent. Who would be doing the doctor appointments should you not take time off work? Dealing with the night time tummy troubles and calming of your child?
YTA
Contributing help, and being a live in nurse/nanny are two different things. Putting her in with a sick child and expecting her to deal with health issues is too much. Also why did you wait so long to even start seeing a doctor?
YTA and a major one at that.
You should have moved your elder daughter and niece into the largest room.
Everything you’re asking hey to do is fine EXCEPT for looking after your sick child. That’s outrageous.
YTA, you are exploiting her. She is not her parent, it is not her job to handle your daughter’s medical issues 24/7. It’s yours. It honestly sounds like she is your kids’ mother, not you. This is ridiculous.
Wait…so she looks after your kids before school, after school, in the evening, and during the night? In addition, she has to take time away from her studies during school hours to take your kid to appointments? What exactly do you do as a parent? Because it sounds like she is the primary caregiver for your kids in addition to studying full time. And the compensation is $150 a week. And she doesn’t even get her own room?
YTA. Just because she’s a young broke college kid doesn’t mean you get to exploit her.
Is Syd “helping” or is she now a single parent to your sickly child? Because she sounds an awful lot like a single parent. And don’t think your kids aren’t gonna realize that you don’t wanna help them or care for them when they’re sick, you just pawn them off on the first available relative.
YTA. Your child’s doctors appointments and medical issues are not your nieces responsibility! That falls squarely on you and her father. To put a 20 year old in a room with an 8 year old who is undergoing medical diagnosis and expecting the 20 to handle the late night accidents is a disgrace. Stop acting like you’re doing your niece a favor when you’re just using her to skirt you parental duties.
YTA
when does Sydney have time to study? It seems like you’re pawning your kids off on Sydney. And she’s 20 years old and she can’t have her own room no privacy, huh?
YTA. I would expect clean up after yourself, help with laundry, dishes, cooking etc. Taking the kids to school, taking kids to doctor’s appointments, babysitting the kids for 2 hours a day, taking care of a sick kid all night are not things she should be doing. You are taking extreme advantage of her wanting to save a few thousand on a dorm room. People are paying $20-25/ hour for babysitting around here. That’s $200-250/ week at least just for the watch the kids till you get home bit that’s not including everything else. Ya if I was her parents I’d be furious with you too.
YTA, if she can’t have her own room and has ro look after your children then she should live in the dorms.
You are the parents. You should be looking after your daughter.
INFO – where is your husband in all this, you know, Eden’s other parent who could also leave work to take her to appts or drive kids to school?
You’re a HUGE AH, and you’re completely taking advantage of your niece! How much could she possibly eat, and use of utilities and car insurance + gasoline, that you think forcing her to be an au pair for 3 kids, one of which is ill DAILY, is considered fair trade, even if you give her $150 week?? She’d be better off getting a part time job, and living on campus! FFS!!
YTA, she’s not responsible for taking care of your kids and certainly not a sick one, those kids are your responsibility.
YTA How can you let her work at night. That is way too much. I bet she also hates it, but is too afraid to tell you.
When you said you wanted your niece to help I thought you meant to make dinner once tonight you were describing full nanny duties that a great nanny would make $800 a week on if not more
Why aren’t you taking care of your sick child
Wildly YTA. If your kids grow up to hate you for neglecting them, don’t be surprised at all.
But hey, at least then you’ll get a break, right?!
YTA. My god, your child is sick and you’re too lazy to get up and help and comfort her? That’s YOUR job as the parent. Letting your niece contribute to the household while she lives with you is absolutely fine, but this is ridiculous. Your niece is already doing quite a lot, but with the nights and expecting her to clean up YOUR DAUGHTER’S vomit…come on! You’re taking advantage of your niece.
YTA. What were you doing to care for your child before you got this free in house nanny?
Yta – that is ALOT to put on someone who is a student. You fully took advantage of her. And if your kid is sick that is your responsibility to deal with wtf
So you wouldn’t put your own daughter in with Eden but you expect your neice too? Thats odd to me..I wouldn’t even want someone else to take on that responsibility.. I feel for Eden, I would have died if my cool 20 year old cousin was cleaning up my vomit.
As for everything else, if your neice is OK with it I guess it’s fine but it does feel a tad as exploiting her. My mom stayed with my aunt/her sister when she was in college and I know she helped but she also has the fondest memories and is so close with my cousins. Id just hate to think it formed resentment in your case
It’s totally inappropriate and cruel to both Sydney and Eden to make Sydney responsible for Eden at night (especially as your post says Eden wakes up multiple times a night?!) and extremely exploitative of Sydney too.
YTA. $150 doesn’t cover a night nurse. She’s wasting the best years of her life being a parent to Eden. She should move out and know her worth.
That’s really nice of you to not even make Sydney pay for the gas and insurance and car payments on (your)the vehicle she has to use to chauffeur your children around in. You are a very generous aunt helping her niece.
YTA. It would be a good situation if you took care of your daughter at night. She shouted have her own room until she gets her diagnosis and a treatment plan. Expecting someone’s sleep to be disturbed to clean up vomit should cost you a lot more than $150/week.
For me, this isnt about your niece contributing which she absolutely should be doing. Its WHAT THE FUCK are you doing with your daughter?? She needs her parents. She sounds like she is going through a terrible time, she doesn’t need your niece she needs YOU. Jesus christ. Your 8 year old is going through a health issue that you have no answer for and your answer is to pass it off to a family member for cheap labour? Are you for real? You need to see what your daughter is going through as you are going to be responsible for advocating for her. She needs her parents when she is sick and scared like this. Yta.
Yta wtf. Minding children is very different than minding sick children. Your niece isn’t getting any sleep, and routinely having to deal with bodily fluids?? I would fully expect the children to share a room, but having an adult share a room full-time with your sick child is straight-up unacceptable.
YTA
Pay her like nanny! Stop exploiting her!
YTA- poor Sydney.
I think you should also consider the consequences of putting the responsibility of getting your children to school on the same person who’s up in the night looking after your sick child. Would you be able to live with yourself if Sydney fell asleep at the wheel?
Idk what type of parent is aware there child is sick and distressed overnight and just sleeps through it. If you had a nurse doing this job for you the payment would be worth about the 150 dollars you pay her a week for 1 night.
Sydney needs to learn to enjoy being an adult and taking care of herself without having to worry about looking after a sick child and babysitting everyday
YTA. Wow you suck. As someone who was a Nanny for over 15 years, you’re expecting too much and paying too little. Let her focus on her studies and stop using the poor kid.
Yta. Driving them once a week, babysitting one night, cooking dinner one night, is fair. What you’re expecting is absolutely not fair
Youre giving her a room which is the equivalent of maybe $600 a month.
Youre having her do the job of a full time nanny which wohld be like $3500 a month for a special needs kid and 2 more. (yes if she is vomiting this often it is specialized care)
You are the ones getting more out of this by like a lot. Youre absolutly taking advantage of her and she is to naive to see it but her parents arent.
If she had a job she would make more and have to work way way less. YTA for not seeing this. I think you knew and were minimizing it in your head to feel better
Literally one of the biggest assholes I’ve ever heard of. YTA big time.
She’s not your nanny or maid, stop treating her like that and take on your responsibilities
YTA. Sure she can help around the house, drive the kids to school occasionally, whatever. But having her clean up your child’s bodily fluids is beyond fucked up.
Rather YTA on the disruptive sleep schedule. this isn’t just psysicall but also mentally draining. especially if niece had a light sleep she will be awake EVERY night. this is REALLY bad. Really really bad.
unless you figure out a way that niece can get a full nights sleep: major Y T A. as this would be considered a illegal work environment in most western countries.
if you see her as a worker treat her like one: 18 uninterrupted hours between work shifts are legally mandated where I live. girl needs a break.
YTA, you should have had Eloise bunk with Sydney. Eden is your responsibility. You’re basically making your niece a night time nurse. Like I can sort of understand giving them rides and watching them for a few hours a week but the night time care is wild. You should be ashamed of yourself.
YTA. You’re taking advantage of a young person who was trying to get help from family so she’d be in a better position going into adulthood. Asking her to help out with some driving and to do her part to keep the house clean would have been reasonable. Even charging a reduced rent could have been reasonable. Making her a life-in-nurse for your sick kid is way over the line.
But more importantly? Your sick 8 year old doesn’t need her cousin. She needs her parents. You pawning her off on a college kid so you don’t have to deal with her problems is gross AF.
Edit: also feel the need to point out that you’re not providing her with free rooming… because she’s on call for your daughter when she’s in your home. That’s like hiring someone to house sit and then trying to argue “rent” is part of their payment. This isn’t a living arrangement, it’s a job.
YTA FFS, she’s a broke student. AND you’re exploiting her for free labor, like some slave?
YTA. That’s complete exploitation!
Did you ever calculate the value of the package you are giving Sydney, and how much work she has to do for it? I highly expect that this is extremely favorable for you. She doesn’t even have her own room!
YTA. This is an inappropriate level of work for such little money and not at all good for your poor niece who is allowing herself to be exploited out of desperation
YTA – Huh someone else moved in and you get them to do the night shift to look after your poorly child? Why aren’t you doing it? I guess because you would then be tired? Just like she will be.
You are taking advantage of her – if you had to pay for night shift nanny care, you would be way out of pocket.
YTA. You said thank God we don’t have to take care of our kids anymore.
YTA. You have her on call when she’s not at school, including on call at night. If anything, by the end of the month if you were paying her like a nanny, YOU would owe HER.
No wonder her parents are pissed at you. She’s going to university to learn, and you’re using her like a nanny during the day and like a CNA at night.
Maybe you should hire appropriate help and let Sydney get proper accommodations.
Is there any one who’s going to say other than YTA?
Not going to lie, this must be one of the worst stories I’ve read here. That can’t be real.
You dumped your clearly SICK CHILD onto a young woman who’s barely out of of her teenage years while she should be sleeping at night to focus on her higher education.
If you were my sister, I’d be raising hell on you, remove my child from the situation and probably stop talking to you.
You are 1) avoiding your responsibilities as a parent 2) exploiting Sydney for labour that even experienced nurses would find hard and not pleasant despite being fully paid for it.
Also, as someone with severe emetophobia due to parental neglect ONE time in my life, I just have my heart ACHING for your child. Assuming their issues get resolved, they might grow very very scared of vomiting and being sick alone without a parental figure helping.
ETA: as read in one of OP’s replies, they don’t even care what Sydney has to do to help/get their child to go back to sleep after they were sick. They used verbatim « as long as she’s safe, I don’t care about how she was put back to sleep »
This is pure madness. Someone please tell me this is trolling.
YTA move the sick kid into your bedroom and actually be a parent. You signed up to have bad sleep at night when you had three kids. Sydney did not.
YTA.
Overnight care and cleaning up vomit and stool are unacceptable. Doctor’s visits are borderline provided this is a rare occurrence.
You are not providing room because she is caring for a sick child overnight. She’s at work.
You are paying your niece board and “about” 150/week for 70 + hours of care per week.
You say she has no car payments/insurance/gas bill. Is that because you are currently making her car payment and insurance and providing gas for her personal use?
Stop with the night care, get her in her own room, Define the boundaries of care as ride to school and up to 10 hours per week inside of immediate after school hours. One doc visit per month max provided it is during her childcare time. Maintain 150/week payment.
YTA for the misleading title. This isn’t a ‘contributing’ issue or question.
Why isn’t Eden temporarily rooming with you, if it’s determined she is the one that will share with someone.
She’s your kid, with a medical issue. Why is dealing with midnight episodes Sydney’s sole problem to deal with and clean up?!?
Other than that everything sounds reasonable but this is a major gaffe.
YTA for handing off the care of your chronically ill child to someone else, and changing the sleeping arrangements so that you’re on the other end of the house from her. Did you discuss this with Eden before you did this?
Also, calling Sydney’s room the most private when she has to share with an 8yo is absurd, and makes me wonder what else you’re misrepresenting.
There’s no other way to say it, YTA. I think it’s fine Sydney helps with school pick ups and appointments. It’s grossly inappropriate to expect her to deal with your child vomiting, having to clean it up and put her back to bed. I also have 3 children and would never put that on someone else. Your medically complex child should have their own room and you should be helping her during the night.
YTA for not only making Sydney take care of your sick child at night but for also putting her in the same room as Eden. If you had hired a live in nanny, they would have gotten their own room and would be paid hourly for night time care. Sydney may not be complaining, I wouldn’t have either if I got this sort of gig at 20 years old, but that doesn’t mean it’s not exploitation.
YTA. Not only is this exploitation but your sickly child needs YOU, not an ill-equipped twenty-year-old. Really?
I understand parenting a sickly child can be exhausting especially while having to parent other kids, but that’s what parenting is. You just saw your niece as a Get out of Jail Free card. I’d be pissed too if I were her parent.
YTA –
It’s fine to ask her to drive the kids or care for them after school.
But asking her to care for Eden all night long is ridiculous. As this is going to affect her ability to spend time with friends and sleep well for her studies.
YTA. When you said she was contributing I thought it would be something reasonable like doing some chores around the house, paying reduced rent, or occasionally watching the kids so you could have a date night. I didnt expect you to actually be taking advantage of your niece, you pretty much made her a severely underpaid nanny. Also you couldnt have your two daughters share a room because of a stomach issue that would keep the sister up at night but you have no problem making a full time student not only wake up repeatedly at night but also clean up after her when she is sick to? Hard no. You as the parent should be the ones getting up every night and caring for your child. You are fully taking advantage.
YTA this is wild. She’d make more as a live-in nanny with no night time or nursing responsibilities
YTA for the night shifts. It’s reasonable that Sydney helps drop the kids at school if she’s up and out then anyhow, and even to pick them up after school if it fits in with her own hours.
But having her sleep destroyed every night due to a sick child and being expected to clean up vomit is just not on. Nor would it be fair f she was a sibling.
Eden needs to be in your room with her parents on hand to care for her. Sydney can share with Eloise if they’re happy with that arrangement.
Not paying for room and board is coming at a really high price in terms of sleep deprivation for a child that should not be her responsibility.
YTA. So she has a guaranteed 7 hours free a day, 8-3? For school, study, and social. With a floating, when we get home, but i bet if she wanted to overnight somewhere, there would be an issue. Not to mention sharing a room, so no privacy.
You are taking major advantage. Yes, you’re giving $150/ week, but you are asking for up to 17 hours a day of labor. I bet groceries, rent, and insurance does not equal what working up to 476 hrs a month would net her. (Where I live minimum wage would make that over $7,000 a month of pay owed).