When I got divorced, my ex took our dog. The dog was trained as my service dog, but it’s par for the course for my ex to do something like that.
I wanted to fight for my dog, but the power imbalance and history of emotional abuse in the relationship threatened my basic needs. I just needed to make it out alive and with a roof over my head.
My ex was terrible to me, but loves the dog deeply. I know the dog is living a great life with a big yard and other animals. (My former in-laws send me updates, which fuels the guilt further.)
It’s been over a year and life is going so well. But sometimes I think of my dog and just cry. Today is one of those days. My heart feels heavy.
I worry my dog lays awake at night, wondering what he did wrong and why I abandoned him. Is that projection, or am I just telling myself it’s projection to ease the guilt?
I don’t know what I’m asking, I just needed our shared space.
(Please don’t rail me about how you’d “die before letting someone else take your dog.” It’s easy to say until you literally might.)
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I understand how you feel. My ex kept our two cats, partially due to my work rotation and largely through manipulation. I have a dog now, and I think dogs just live in the moment 90% of the time. I believe your dog misses you, but is likely occupied most of the time by their companions and whatever is currently going on around them. I don’t think dogs have the same object permanence that we do. I understand how you feel, and I still struggle with guilt and anger over my cats.
I’m sorry that you’re in this situation. It is a heartbreaking one.
That said, while I’m no dog behaviourist I have had the privilege of having 3 throughout the course of my life so far.
While it’s not the same as your situation – One of those dogs I had to leave with my parents when I moved country (it was impossible to transport her because of a health issue she had – I tried so many avenues – looking at sailing her, flying in a semi private jet but they all came with some level of risk in consultation with my vet). As she was also getting on in years, I made the decision to leave her with my parents, who gladly and thankfully took her in on their hobby farm. Dare I say it, she’s living a better life with fields to roam (which is all she’s ever known) rather than in an apartment in a city.
All that is to say… I was right there with you – thinking that she thought I had abandoned her but all of the reading I’ve done is that dogs are so adaptable to any new routines. (Like when you leave your dog with a dog sitter, they settle in after two or h three days). And a lot of the guilt we carry is projection of human emotions on to them. Of course when I go visit my parents, she is happy to see me however I put a lot of that down to familiarity and excitement rather than a ‘oh good, you’re here to take me back to my old life’.
And all of this is to say… go easy on yourself. You did what you needed to do to get out of that situation and you know that the dog is being taken care of.
I don’t have any advice, just wanted to say you’re not alone. I also had to give up a dog to an abusive ex.