Today is my brother’s birthday. I have 4 siblings. I’ve had a turbulent relationship with my mom in the past couple of years. I am almost 30, married have a child and another one on the way.
My brother is an awful person. He is still a teenager. He was adopted at age 3. I am the eldest daughter and am much older than all of my siblings, my mom had me at 20 and my half sisters have a different father than I do and 2 of my siblings were adopted.
My sisters are amazing. Close in age to my brother.
My parents make excuses for my brother. Blamed it on mental health, his adoption, trauma, school bullies, his ethnic background, but they completely enable his behavior, baby him and spoil him especially in comparison to my sisters. This frustrates me. There’s a lot of favoritism on my mom’s end towards my brother that is undeserved.
We (my husband & baby & I) visited last Christmas and my brother did not like his gifts from my parents. On Christmas he had such an ungrateful attitude towards them and wouldn’t move past it to a point that he ended up in a mental hospital. The police were also called on him by my parents the day after Christmas. For the greater half of 2025 he has been in hospital, therapy, or had the police called on him.
My brother is shallow, entitled and erratic in his behavior and has been for years. My parents relied on him growing out of this behavior with time and age. He didn’t. He has been in therapy, hospitals or had school and social problems FOREVER.
My parents buy him new electronics/sneakers at a frequency that is not done for my sisters. My mom even brags about not buying hygiene products for my sisters once the reach a certain age. And they work. He doesn’t.
My bday was in August and every sibling texted me happy birthday except my brother. I love my brother but I do not feel he loves me.
I had no intention of not reaching out for my brothers birthday, my mom sent a text promptly at 9:40am “don’t forget to call your brother” to which I replied “right, no comment”.
it’s funny that she assumed I’d forget his birthday (I didn’t) but he actually did forget, or not care about my birthday. She replied “that’s plain mean”. It seems she just wanted to phish for an issue with me which is not uncommon for her. I’m pregnant and I don’t really want to be name called by my mom?
I completely disagree with how my parents are parenting and babying him. I do not believe they are raising a good man or human.
They sent him on a 10k trip that they fundraised (which I also am upset by because my parents are not struggling and I don’t think my brother is in a position to be handed a 10k trip) to his country of origin this year AFTER putting our entire family through mental torment to “find himself” and he fucked off in the hotel the entire time and ate McDonalds. I’m so disgusted by how my parents enable him. I did end up texting him Happy Birthday but am I frustrated at my mom for worshipping my brother. AITA for feeling this way?
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT – DO NOT SKIM. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything.
Today is my brother’s birthday. I have 4 siblings. I’ve had a turbulent relationship with my mom in the past couple of years. I am almost 30, married have a child and another one on the way.
My brother is an awful person. He is still a teenager. He was adopted at age 3. I am the eldest daughter and am much older than all of my siblings, my mom had me at 20 and my half sisters have a different father than I do and 2 of my siblings were adopted.
My sisters are amazing. Close in age to my brother.
My parents make excuses for my brother. Blamed it on mental health, his adoption, trauma, school bullies, his ethnic background, but they completely enable his behavior, baby him and spoil him especially in comparison to my sisters. This frustrates me. There’s a lot of favoritism on my mom’s end towards my brother that is undeserved.
We (my husband & baby & I) visited last Christmas and my brother did not like his gifts from my parents. On Christmas he had such an ungrateful attitude towards them and wouldn’t move past it to a point that he ended up in a mental hospital. The police were also called on him by my parents the day after Christmas. For the greater half of 2025 he has been in hospital, therapy, or had the police called on him.
My brother is shallow, entitled and erratic in his behavior and has been for years. My parents relied on him growing out of this behavior with time and age. He didn’t. He has been in therapy, hospitals or had school and social problems FOREVER.
My parents buy him new electronics/sneakers at a frequency that is not done for my sisters. My mom even brags about not buying hygiene products for my sisters once the reach a certain age. And they work. He doesn’t.
My bday was in August and every sibling texted me happy birthday except my brother. I love my brother but I do not feel he loves me.
I had no intention of not reaching out for my brothers birthday, my mom sent a text promptly at 9:40am “don’t forget to call your brother” to which I replied “right, no comment”.
it’s funny that she assumed I’d forget his birthday (I didn’t) but he actually did forget, or not care about my birthday. She replied “that’s plain mean”. It seems she just wanted to phish for an issue with me which is not uncommon for her. I’m pregnant and I don’t really want to be name called by my mom?
I completely disagree with how my parents are parenting and babying him. I do not believe they are raising a good man or human.
They sent him on a 10k trip that they fundraised (which I also am upset by because my parents are not struggling and I don’t think my brother is in a position to be handed a 10k trip) to his country of origin this year AFTER putting our entire family through mental torment to “find himself” and he fucked off in the hotel the entire time and ate McDonalds. I’m so disgusted by how my parents enable him. I did end up texting him Happy Birthday but am I frustrated at my mom for worshipping my brother. AITA for feeling this way?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think that me saying “no comment” frustrated my mom. And she thought I wouldn’t wish my brother a happy birthday
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. Your frustration is totally valid. Favoritism and enabling hurt everyone, and it’s okay to set boundaries to protect yourself especially now.
NTA. You won’t change her, inly thing you can change is your involvement or your attitude.
NTA. You do what you feel is best when it comes to nurturing or neglecting a relationship. If you don’t want to nurture this one, who cares, do you.
I will say, if you think your parents are failing your brother or somehow the issue when he has been hospitalized multiple times makes me question your true awareness of the situation.
It was not the purchase of tech or shoes that lead police being called at Xmas. It is not the trigger, it is the condition.
NTA. But it seems the issue is your parents. Not giving your brother a birthday call isn’t going to change that.
You have every right to be frustrated your mom’s favoritism and enabling are obvious, and it’s unfair how she holds everyone else to a higher standard. You still reached out for his birthday despite how he treats you, which shows you’re trying to stay civil. Your mom’s reaction says more about her guilt and defensiveness than about you. Setting distance from that kind of dynamic isn’t mean it’s self-protection.
NTA. You story is largely unnecessary and more of a vent on how you don’t like your brother. You aren’t the AH for having negative emotions towards someone, even if it is family. Just live your life how you want, it’s up to you if you want to associate with your brother but there is no AH choice whichever way you go.
NTA. I think sending the bday text was a reasonable thing to do. It’s clear there is a LOT of dysfunction there and doing the bare minimum with them might keep that drama out of your life. As you said, your mom fishes for conflict with you and your brother flies off the deep end over minor issues.
Maybe you can set up a text to send automatically on his birthday. 😉
Anyway though, it sounds like your bro might have severe mental health issues. I definitely believe MH issues can co-exist with just shitty personality traits, but they might also be hard to separate from one another. It sounds like your parents are completely deluded at this point. I would focus on trying to support your sisters as much as you can – they must be miserable if they are still living in that house, barely having their needs met – and consider going low or no contact with your parents and brother once doing so wouldn’t cut off your sisters.
NTA but I do suggest you handle this differently only because getting stressed is terrible for pregnancy. You could have just done a thumbs up to your mom’s reminder/request and then gone about your day. You could just text happy birthday and then move on with your day. Your brother isn’t going to change. Your parents aren’t going to change. You CAN change how you respond. I highly recommend the book The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins.
Your brother is obviously mentally ill. All the hospital visits, therapists, etc. prove that. I’m sure by this point your parents have been given professional advice on how to help him the best. Family therapy and meetings are usually a part of hospitalization.
You sound extremely frustrated, like very many family members of the mentally ill do.
Now to your question, I hardly doubt if he will notice or care that you didn’t call. If he does mention it, you can say “because you didn’t call me on my birthday, I thought you didn’t want to do calls anymore.”
Honestly this seems like more of an issue you have with your mom.
If you and your brother just never talked/texted again would either of you even notice?
Maybe it’s time for some LC with your side of the family( atleast your mom), maybe if your in-laws are better start doing some holidays with them.
NTA, some relatives are too toxic to try to have a relationship with. And he’s not even trying to. I would text your mom, “I’m no contact with my brother because he’s horrendous and makes zero attempt to have a relationship that’s civil with me. I’m furious you texted me and blamed me when part of the problem is you reward his terrible behavior. Getting him psychiatric help is great, because he’s not well, but throwing expensive presents and money at him that you can’t afford isn’t helping him as he just gets worse. Not to mention, it’s painful you wouldn’t even help the rest of us with necessities once we were considered grown but you throw extravagant gifts and vacations at him while expecting us to contribute and go along with him being your favorite. Don’t ask me to contribute to him or call him. If he decides to fight for being well and civil, let me know.”
Yeah, NTA, your feelings make sense. Your mom’s favoritism and your brother’s behavior would frustrate anyone. You’re not wrong for setting boundaries or feeling tired of being the only one expected to act nice
NTA for your feelings. You are entitled to your feelings—and your feelings make sense. It’s understandable to resent how your parents enable your brother and do fairly or hold the same basic expectations for all their children.
You have your own family. Focus on your family and the siblings with whom you have healthy relationships.
I don’t know how old a teen your brother is. But, regardless, he’s a minor and your parents’ responsibility. In your shoes, I’d have a frank talk with your parents and share observations/concerns—as sister to your other siblings and also sister to your brother, who is not receiving the structure and support to become a functioning adult. I’d also set my boundaries and explain it’s for my own wellness and that of my family/kids.
I’m so sorry you have to contend with this at all, and especially while pregnant. Take good care. I hope you are able to achieve some healthy distance for this frustrating scenario.