Hi all. I (28F) have been a Communication Officer for four years now. My brother (21M) recently started working a few weeks ago, and home life has been… strained ever since.
My brother at home never bothers to load the dishwasher aside from dinner time. That’s it. My dad, for instance, drove both of us home from work today. As soon as we got home, my brother immediately headed off to his room to game, but I headed off to unload the dishwasher and lay out the table for dinner. After dinner, my dad casually said there were enough leftovers for both of us for tomorrow at work. I had already washed all of my containers and cutlery, but my brother left all of his gross, dirty dishes out on the kitchen table. I noted that at least he should wash out his own cutlery, and my dad said I had to recognize that “my brother comes home from work.” Like… what does he expect me to do at work? Play cards?
It bothers me the most that last year my parents handed a MacBook Pro to my brother for graduating with a bachelor’s degree. When I graduated both a bachelor’s and a master’s (at the same or better grades) and got nothing. And honestly, I’ve never expected gifts for that as I’ve always believed doing a good work at school, being a responsible person, is… what you do. And so I’ve never understood the idea of getting a reward for such activity.
But then I heard my mom speaking with my grandmother yesterday, and it hurt a lot. My mom said something like, “Perhaps it was a mistake purchasing the MacBook, given that he already received a laptop at work… but the thing is, he’s doing incredibly well, he’s been able to work out tough coding issues for iOS programs, and he’s extremely good at what he does.” And I just stood there, thinking, I’ve never heard my mom speak that way about me.
The point is, my brother has always been somewhat lazy. He’s always had people do things for him. I was the one who completed his university applications, contacted people for him so he could find a job (I have connections in his profession (computer science), and essentially cleared the path for him so he could be where he is today. When I was doing what he did, no one did anything for me. I had tofigure things out for myself. Sometimes I do feel that he owes me, which makes me feel terrible, because he’s my brother and I love him, yet I have this hostility that’s developed inside of me that I just have to acknowledge, you know?.
I regularly do nice things for him such as purchasing him small items that are him-specific but I have recently recognized that it never goes both ways. It’s not necessarily about the laptop here. It’s about the acknowledgment or lack there of. I am invisible. As if no matter what I do, I am going to always be seen”looking at”my brother, the one who “works diligently,” while I am the one who simply… makes due somehow.
So, AITA for being upset at my brother and at my parents for this? how many characters does this have?
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Hi all. I (28F) have been a Communication Officer for four years now. My brother (21M) recently started working a few weeks ago, and home life has been… strained ever since.
My brother at home never bothers to load the dishwasher aside from dinner time. That’s it. My dad, for instance, drove both of us home from work today. As soon as we got home, my brother immediately headed off to his room to game, but I headed off to unload the dishwasher and lay out the table for dinner. After dinner, my dad casually said there were enough leftovers for both of us for tomorrow at work. I had already washed all of my containers and cutlery, but my brother left all of his gross, dirty dishes out on the kitchen table. I noted that at least he should wash out his own cutlery, and my dad said I had to recognize that “my brother comes home from work.” Like… what does he expect me to do at work? Play cards?
It bothers me the most that last year my parents handed a MacBook Pro to my brother for graduating with a bachelor’s degree. When I graduated both a bachelor’s and a master’s (at the same or better grades) and got nothing. And honestly, I’ve never expected gifts for that as I’ve always believed doing a good work at school, being a responsible person, is… what you do. And so I’ve never understood the idea of getting a reward for such activity.
But then I heard my mom speaking with my grandmother yesterday, and it hurt a lot. My mom said something like, “Perhaps it was a mistake purchasing the MacBook, given that he already received a laptop at work… but the thing is, he’s doing incredibly well, he’s been able to work out tough coding issues for iOS programs, and he’s extremely good at what he does.” And I just stood there, thinking, I’ve never heard my mom speak that way about me.
The point is, my brother has always been somewhat lazy. He’s always had people do things for him. I was the one who completed his university applications, contacted people for him so he could find a job (I have connections in his profession (computer science), and essentially cleared the path for him so he could be where he is today. When I was doing what he did, no one did anything for me. I had tofigure things out for myself. Sometimes I do feel that he owes me, which makes me feel terrible, because he’s my brother and I love him, yet I have this hostility that’s developed inside of me that I just have to acknowledge, you know?.
I regularly do nice things for him such as purchasing him small items that are him-specific but I have recently recognized that it never goes both ways. It’s not necessarily about the laptop here. It’s about the acknowledgment or lack there of. I am invisible. As if no matter what I do, I am going to always be seen”looking at”my brother, the one who “works diligently,” while I am the one who simply… makes due somehow.
So, AITA for being upset at my brother and at my parents for this? how many characters does this have?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) The action that should be judged is that I snapped at my dad and confronted him for always making excuses for my brother. I told him it was unfair that I’m expected to help more around the house while my brother does almost nothing and still gets rewarded. After that, I’ve also been acting distant and cold toward my family because I feel unappreciated.
(2) This might make me the asshole because instead of calmly expressing how I felt, I let my resentment and frustration show in a hurtful way. I know my parents were just trying to encourage my brother, and I probably made the situation more tense by being defensive and passive-aggressive afterward.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA, but move out
You’re 28 with a Master’s Degree and a good job.
Stop being their maid as well and move out.
NTA
Seriously, move out. You are very good at making their lives easier, but there is no reciprocity. It will get worse as you get older. Ask me how I know.
2952!
Anyway, NTA, sounds like clear sexist double standard stuff
NTA! Truthfully move out and leave this toxic environment. You will never get the recognition you deserve or the respect for your time and money.
Go out and make and live your life, leave these people behind who couldn’t care less if you made millions unless they could take it from you.
YTA to yourself. You are old enough to move out and have your own place. And then your parents can see what it is exactly you do around there.
OP, You are Not TA for being upset at your the preferential treatment of your brother, but I’m going to ask you to separate out a few things.
Your parents’ behavior is NOT your brother’s responsibility. They are doing that of their own choice, and the blame for THEIR favoritism should rest fully on their shoulders.
Your brother IS lazy and inconsiderate and is happy to let everyone take care of his responsibilities for him. At 21, I give him 40% responsibility for that and 60% to your parents who raised him that way. As he gets older (and very soon) full responsibility for that will fall on him – but not just yet. The pity for him is that he will be ill-equipped to take care of himself if/when he does ever take more responsibility for himself.
Your brother was a college student until this year. You have been out of college for 4-ish years, I’m guessing. You don’t expect to gift to you NOW the way you can gift to him. (Though I won’t be surprised if he continues to be a non-gifter in the future; it’s just a little premature to expect him to buy nice gifts.) Having said that, he SHOULD have been at least gifting you some thoughtful and affordable in the last few years.
I just am suggesting you (1) put blame where it belongs and (2) recognize that your brother is 7 years behind you. There are things he should be doing better, but he is not fully at your more experienced worker/adult level.
You can either choose to say ‘no’ more frequently to bailing your brother out, or you can make plans to move out away from the family home and let your parents and brother sort out how to live. The person whose role in this you can change is your own.
Do you live in a culture where adults don’t move away from their parents? Are you able to talk back to your parents?
Because you could move out or stand up for yourself. Or at least don’t cater to your brother.
P.S. He does owe you. Remind him.
NTA- but you should be mad at your parents. It”s their house, so they should be telling him to contribute with chores. It”s also not HIS fault that Your parents giving him praised and gifts and didn’t do the same to you.
You also choose to help him. Which since you are seven years older and already stabilished professionaly, obvious he couldn’t do the same to you. You also don’t need to buy him gifts.
You should resent your parents, but is easier to resent your brother, whose biggest flaw is being a spoiled 21yo…