My bf and I, 19 have been together for 2 years.
Last week, I followed a male friend from uni on Instagram and my bf got mad at that. He expressed that, when you‘re in a relationship you should never follow the other gender first, it‘s only okay if they follow first. To prove to him that it didn’t mean anything I even unfollowed the guy.
I don’t like that rule I don’t think it matters who follows who but I still respect it because I love him. He however just told me that TWO MONTHS ago, he followed a girl from his class.
I asked why he would break his own rule and he said it‘s not the same. He thinks because he was standing next to her and they were talking it was alright but since I was at home when I followed my friend, it wasn‘t okay.
His argument is essentially that they both had opened the other persons insta acc so he just followed. But I think if his rule is really that important to him he could have just asked her to follow him. I am not jealous, and after 2 years with him I know he would never cheat. I‘m just hurt because I feel like he made a rule that only I have to follow and he gets to make exceptions. He thinks the two situations are completly different which is why he is in the right.
What do you think?
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My bf and I, 19 have been together for 2 years.
Last week, I followed a male friend from uni on Instagram and my bf got mad at that. He expressed that, when you‘re in a relationship you should never follow the other gender first, it‘s only okay if they follow first. To prove to him that it didn’t mean anything I even unfollowed the guy.
I don’t like that rule I don’t think it matters who follows who but I still respect it because I love him. He however just told me that TWO MONTHS ago, he followed a girl from his class.
I asked why he would break his own rule and he said it‘s not the same. He thinks because he was standing next to her and they were talking it was alright but since I was at home when I followed my friend, it wasn‘t okay.
His argument is essentially that they both had opened the other persons insta acc so he just followed. But I think if his rule is really that important to him he could have just asked her to follow him. I am not jealous, and after 2 years with him I know he would never cheat. I‘m just hurt because I feel like he made a rule that only I have to follow and he gets to make exceptions. He thinks the two situations are completly different which is why he is in the right.
What do you think?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) Not being able to understand why these two situations are different. 2) Because I could be seen as dramatic or jealous
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Girl.
NTA. Yeah, he’s controlling, and his excuses are bullshit. Ask yourself if you want to stick with someone who holds you to a different standard. In my experience this kind of thing gets worse, not better, over time.
I think you are dating a doofus.
NTA. What u/PeelingMirthday said.
NTA. This feels like projection if its new behavior. he knows hes cheating doing that stuff so now hes worried you’ll do the same type of thing.
If hes always been like that hes just super insecure.
This is a slippery slope. Think back over the two years about anything else that made you uncomfortable. His ‘rule’ about insta is just BS and one rule for him etc. His insecurities are playing out as control. As a general rule, if you find yourself ‘moderating’ or modifying your behaviour because you are concerned about his response then that’s because you are uncomfortable with it and you need to reflect on if you are going to be happy with that.
NTA. I’d think about continuing this relationship. He’s only going to get more controlling.
NTA. Get out the relationship and i PROMISE you you’ll look back and be glad you did- coming from someone who left this exact situation.
You’re not the asshole. He’s being hypocritical and controlling if a rule only applies to you, it’s not about respect, it’s about control.
NTA. He’s insecure.
Good lord, does this mean you can never follow any male celebrities? NTA!!
It sounds like your boyfriend is applying a rule inconsistently
NTA, but you risk being a dumb ass if you don’t start working your way towards the exit door. He needs to do a whole lot of maturing and from where he seems to be standing I’m not even sure he’ll grow into partner material.
He’s welcome to dislike your friends but he has no say in who they are or who you choose to talk to. That right there is a gigantic red flag you would be ill advised to ignore. You can do the hard thing now and quit, or you can put up with a whole lot of bull that would make the decision easier later.
NTA. Controlling and has double standards. Need to think hard if this is who you want to be with.
NTA.
That’s weird & controlling.
If you had a daughter, and their boyfriend said that to them, what advice would you give her? Love yourself more.
NAH. I would like to for any more info so i can explain myself better. Two very different situations in my eyes but you will talk to him if this is such a big issue. Explain your side ask his and understand each other. The rule is very fucking value And it seems that he is using that role and applying its meaning and power based on the situation. Set rules about what YALL want and move on.
Also just ask if you want my reasoning
The world is huge as is the dating pool! You’re nta… and I honestly would encourage you as a 19yo… to dump this guy & see who else is out there. Control… will only get worse with time
NTA rules for three, not for me doesn’t work. Ever.
This is controlling, and odds are, this behavior will only escalate.
He is insecure and is demanding that you change your behaviors for his comfort. That almost never ends well, because the controlling partner rarely gets a grip on their jealousy. First it’s following people on social media, then it will be how you dress, who you friends are, what places you go to.
This is a very bad sign.
NTA
Save yourself a lot of grief and just break up with him. He seems controlling and misogynistic.
NTA. Of course he’s controlling. It’s an absurd made up rule that doesn’t exist anywhere but his own mind.
NTA.
But he doesn’t trust you after 2 years. It’s the same 2 years you’ve trusted him.
Think hard on whether you want a relationship like that.
NTA! Your bf is a hypocrite and has some definite security issues(all young men do really) OMG you followed some guy at school. So much drama. Tell your bf to chill.
NTA. It is controlling. Though I’d give the same judgement regardless because you can think what you want.
The two situations are the same, but he is wrong either way. Having male friends when you’re dating someone is fine. Following your friends is fine. Following other men is fine assuming no romantic or sexual pretext. Same with the genders flipped.
It is controlling on his part, and shows he doesn’t trust you. If he trusted you, he wouldn’t think twice about your social media habits.
NTA. How old is he?
NTA. Your boyfriend is trying to talk his way out of a controlling double standard. Which is one of many reasons you don’t give in to “rules” like this.
PS. He only found out I followed a guy because he regularly checks who I follow, which I didn’t think to be strange until now
If you THINK he’s too controlling…he is too controlling! What is he, 5? Stop dating a boy and try a grown man, instead.
Edit to add: YTA for following his rules. F-him and his manipulative rules.
Girl run!
That’s a yellow flag. Proceed with caution and be acutely aware of any additional indications of controlling behavior (which can easily turn into emotional abuse, isolation, other kinds of abuse, etc). It always seems to start with something innocuous like that. The best thing to do is have a firm boundary that you won’t tolerate rules such as that in a relationship, then see if he sees that as an opportunity to mature a bit, or throw a fit. If he throws a fit, then the yellow flag just turned red.
NTA. He should follow his own rule but it was never about that. It was about his insecurities and how he’s projecting them on to you. Hit the eject button on this one kid.
Red flag number one, two more and he’s out.
NTA- It is controlling what he’s doing. Basically he can do anything he wants, while you can’t do the same. You deserve better.
You know he’s being hypocritical! His logic really is that because he was in front of the person and you were at home, it makes them different?! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I would have laughed my ASS off at that remark…literally that’s the dumbest thing I’ve read in a long time.
Can you tell us how old he is? He sounds VERY controlling.
He doesnt want you following guys because he knows what HES doing when he follows girls.
NTA, he is very controlling. Do you want this, or worse, to be the rest of your life? Because this is it.
Huge red flag. You are too young to put up with his nonsense. It’s hard, but you need to set boundaries. He does not control who or when you choose to do ANYTHING. Period. End of.
Great flag spotting. These are jealousy/control issues. I suggest counseling/therapy for him and an appropriate follow up plan. Hold him accountable, have him complete the work. If not, guys don’t really tune into what you say, it’s what you do. Drop him silently.
🚩🚩🚩🚩
NTA, he is indeed controlling and jealous and insecure! Also his rules only apply to you but he can do what he forbid you?? So many red flags! See them. Recognise them. Do NOT ignore them.
Who cares who followed who first? You and this guy are friends in real life, what difference does it make if you’re also social media friends? Or is your (hopefully soon to be ex) boyfriend also jealous and insecure and forbidding you from having male friends at all? What about male relatives (other than your father and brothers)?? Or has he not YET gone that far?
He might not cheat on you, but he sure is manipulative & controlling
Why are you fighting about this— who friended who and where they were when they friended? Your bf is insecure and controlling and he won’t even apply the same “rules” to himself. This is just the beginning and won’t get better. Find someone else.
NTA. I smell shitty double standards and insecurity
I think you already know the answer. Don’t invest any more time in this. It’s not supposed to be so hard, and you’ll know It when you find It. NTA.