Trying to figure out if IATA, my son is 15, he’s always been really active /a multisport athlete. well this season his coach apparently told him he needs to “bulk up” for varsity, and now his dad (we’re divorced) is totally on board with that and keeps plying him with what seems like total junk every night??
I’m not kidding, he’s gained 30+ pounds since earlier in the summer and none of it looks healthy. My ex he just laughed and said “that’s muscle” but I can see it’s not. he gets out of breath more often and his football pants barely fit anymore, but my kid keeps saying it’s “part of the process.”
I tried talking to my son but he just shrugs and says coach wants him “big.” I told him there’s a difference between strong and unhealthy but he rolls his eyes. I don’t wanna be that nagging mom but I’m scared he’s picking up bad habits and his dad’s just encouraging it. I recently sent an angry text to his father and after a week with no response, sent an email to his coach too. That last part cause both of the boys to blow up at me for stepping out of my lane and now i’m worreid I’m an asshole for reacting the way I did. at the same time I think I’m reacting normally when I really sit and think about what’s going on
I feel like the bad guy for even saying anything but he looks so different lately and it’s all happened so fast.
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Trying to figure out if IATA, my son is 15, he’s always been really active /a multisport athlete. well this season his coach apparently told him he needs to “bulk up” for varsity, and now his dad (we’re divorced) is totally on board with that and keeps plying him with what seems like total junk every night??
I’m not kidding, he’s gained 30+ pounds since earlier in the summer and none of it looks healthy. My ex he just laughed and said “that’s muscle” but I can see it’s not. he gets out of breath more often and his football pants barely fit anymore, but my kid keeps saying it’s “part of the process.”
I tried talking to my son but he just shrugs and says coach wants him “big.” I told him there’s a difference between strong and unhealthy but he rolls his eyes. I don’t wanna be that nagging mom but I’m scared he’s picking up bad habits and his dad’s just encouraging it. I recently sent an angry text to his father and after a week with no response, sent an email to his coach too. That last part cause both of the boys to blow up at me for stepping out of my lane and now i’m worreid I’m an asshole for reacting the way I did. at the same time I think I’m reacting normally when I really sit and think about what’s going on
I feel like the bad guy for even saying anything but he looks so different lately and it’s all happened so fast.
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> The action I took is I emailed my son’s coach without running it by him or his father first. It might make me the asshole because I could have worked with them to discuss and reach a resolution before taking that extra step and causing awkwardness
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
They blew up at you because the coach told them off. NTA
NTA. You didn’t step out of your lane. You took the action necessary when your coparent was ignoring you. Why is football only your ex’s lane? That’s BS.
This is a disturbing and frustrating situation. At 15, your son may be old enough to be educated and informed about how unhealthy this type of weight gain is. But people are REALLY passionate about football, to the point of accepting unhealthy habits and expectations in order to participate. The coach is obviously part of the problem. I think emailing the coach was perfectly reasonable – you want to hear from the source what he is really looking for and what he advises with respect to maintaining health for the sport. You could consider escalating this to the athletic director if the answer shows unhealthy guidance or policies on the part of the coach. If their answers doesn’t suit your needs, you may be able to revoke permissions for your kid to participate.
I’m not saying you SHOULD do that, but I’m saying you have power and influence here, and you can use it. Your ex is being a huge AH. He has a chance to work with his teen on proper bulking through weight lifting and nutrition, but instead he’s teaching him to just eat shit and pretend like the obvious health detriments are a good thing.
NTA. I would be significantly concerned about a random football coach encouraging my child to bulk up without any substantive guidance and support, and I would be double concerned if the coach was providing any kind of guidance and support with no experience or expertise in doing it.
Bulking for a sport like football is 100% a normal thing, but it’s not something you do by just slamming back food – it needs to be paired with a specific exercise regimen, and often means things like tracking your macros so you’re getting the right intake of protein and other supplemental nutrition besides calories.
I would 100% contact the coach about it and ask what the plan is here as well as what, if any, suggestions have been made. I would also ask the coach who the hell is going to be paying for the food bill, because I remember when I was playing football with my brother and our coach wanted us to bulk on a recommended diet plan that included things like 6 eggs and bacon for breakfast multiple times a week.
Anyway, if your fine with son bulking, sit down with the coach and your son, hammer out a real diet and work out plan that’s going to actually build muscle and improve performance.
There’s a way to add muscle without adding fat and that’s what it sounded like the coach wanted him to do. Football is such a dangerous sport. I would not want someone I loved doing it if they were not at their top physical form. I would see if you can get him a doctors appointment and get his blood tested cholesterol his heart rate and see what the doctor actually has to say. He can still bulk up, but there’s healthier way to do it than just gaining 30 pounds.
INFO: is the kid also lifting regularly? It’s hard to bulk cleanly. If he’s training hard while eating excess calories, it’s going to go to a combination of muscle and fat, then the fat will drop off during a cutting/more metcon or cardio phase. During the bulk, though, the kid’s just gonna look fat.
Bottom line: if you have no experience with training, bulking, athletic performance, etc and the coach is overseeing a general plan of action here, YTA. If there’s no guidance beyond “bulk up” and the kid is sitting on his ass all summer and stuffing candy in his mouth, NTA.
This is 100% a repost but how tall is your son and how much does he weigh? Is he currently going through puberty? What position does he play? If he went from 150 to 180 that’s not a big deal if he went from 220 to 250 at 5’10” that’s a bigger problem.
I wouldn’t say you’re the asshole but I do think you need to understand that your son is right when he says this is part of the process. Pretty much 100% of good football players at a college level or pro have intentionally gained and cut weight to fit the positions on the field.
Also, it’s not great to assume him having some extra none lean mass is unhealthy for him. There are countless sports where the peak performance is from a body that is not all lean Hollywood muscle.
The lean bodies of men you see in Hollywood often have to bulk before cutting down to that point anyway.
Try to be thoughtful about this. You could help him avoid developing any unhealthy feelings about his body while still doing everything he can to be a great althete.
The most efficient way to gain muscle is to remain in a constant calorie surplus. The side effect is that you will also put on fat at the same time.
Once you reach your desired size/strength, you perform a cut. Without concrete numbers, there’s really no way of knowing if there’s an issue.
Take him to his doctor. Get a full checkup with height, weight, body fat percentage, blood work etc. Just do a full physical and tell the doctor specifically that your son is trying to bulk up for football. I guarantee the doc has seen this 100 times and can properly advise.
ESH. Was the email to coach also angry? How did your valid concerns get us to angry texts? We can look at this in all ways, and I understand the kids not understanding but the adults, you, the dad, the coach, should be able to address this without anger.
Your NTA for that. But with how much we know about football and brain injuries, there is no way children should be playing that sport. If you car about his body, you need to also be caring about his brain.
NTA…you NEVER should feel bad for worrying about the health and well-being of your child.
Nta, I’m anti fat phobia and all that, but this sounds so unhealthy. If he’s not bulking via protein consumption and weight lifting, if he’s doing so through eating lots of junk, they’re literally just fattening him up. This wouldn’t necessarily be bad thing if your son was an adult doing this on purpose, but he’s a kid getting garbage, unhealthy guidance from people using their position of power over him to do what they want with him. They do not have his health or well-being in mind, and I would be insanely pissed at this.
YTA. Kid is 15 and his Mommy emailed coach. Bad look – don’t be that parent. Kids with those parents don’t make the team because coaches don’t want to deal with you. If you’re concerned, talk to the trainer, a dietician or your pediatrician. Get him on a plan.
NTA! To be worried about your sons health. However if he is really going for varsity he will need the muscle mass. But it sounds as if he’s adding a lot of unhealthy weight. There is a difference between healthy and unhealthy weight gain. If your that concerned take him to his doctor for blood tests/ examination for health factors and tell the doctor what is going on.
I’ve seen this before.
Info: Need to know more about your communication with the coach. Sending a pissed text to your ex seems like a waste of time, but talking to the coach seems like it might be effective.
You also need to know more about what he’s actually eating and lifting. Is he ACTUALLY just sitting around eating junk food or his he just eating like 5,000 calories a day of prettt good carbs and protein and also lifting a ton and getting a lot stronger in the process? These are things you should be asking about.
NTA. It sounds like your son and his Dad decided “eat carbs and red meat and exercise heavily” was the same as “eat McDonald’s and Veg Out” and getting defensive about it.
The couch probably read them the riot act and they’re blaming you, not their own stupidity.
Sorry, but you did NOT step out of your lane. Do you have 50/50 custody or different? If necessary, get your divorce attorney involved concerning the wellbeing of your son via the courts. Meaning if the father is encouraging behavior that is not healthy, the courts are going to side with you. If coach needs him to bulk up, then buy him a gym membership and a trainer. They will put him on the right diet and give him the correct workouts to bulk up PROPERLY. This will a life-long habit of doing the right thing for your body vs eating junk food “because coach wants me big” (which I call utter bs on). To do anything else you risk your son getting diabetes later in life, heart disease and so on. As with anything there is a right way and a wrong way. Since you’re the only adult in the room it’s up to you.
Maybe take him to see a trainer and a nutritionist who can help him do this correctly and safely?
Is your son at a good school (for football)?
Is your son good?
Does your coach have a track record of getting kids college scholarships?
Does your son aspire to get a college scholarship for football?
Is your son training regularly while doing this?
I read in your comments that he plays oline, so the bulk does sound realistic but it’s a huge toll on the body and so it’s only really worth it if he has a true shot at playing in college.
NTA
Your child’s health IS your lane.
NTA. I have a cousin who put on a huge amount of weight in high school at the behest of his wrestling coach and forty years later struggles with his weight.
YTA. Your son clearly wants to do this, so you should help him do do this healthy instead trying to stop him. Educate him what to eat. Want muscles? Eat enough protein and be in a calorie surplus. More than 300 calories in a daily surplus is unnecessary and will be turned into fat. Turkey and milkproducts instead of fatty food. If he wants fat, he has to eat nuts and salmon instead of fast food and junk food. He does sport so I think he gets enough cardio for his heart and body and it’s normal to get out of breath more easily if you gain weight. There are enough articles how to gain muscles right now as gym culture never was more popular than now. Force him to read them so he understands how to do a healthy bulk. I understand him. If you want something you want it fast, but remind him that fitness and endurance is more important in a sport like football than pure mass. He wants muscles to keep him going, not as lose weight to slow him down. I know you have your concerns you sound like a good mum, but let him try it and help him reach his goal in the right way and don’t let it get out of control :). But for gods sake, if he gets fat at least make sure he builds at least some muscles on the way there.
Coach wants him big, not fat. Eat proteins, not sugars. Eat vegatables, not chips.
I’m not sure bulking or not bulking helps prevent traumatic brain injury
NTA. I would be really frightened by this.
YTA – But it’s a soft one, you’re just ignorant of the process. I had a buddy who was doing O-line in college, the big ol boys who do a lot of pushing. He was around 290 pounds. He had to make meal checks, had to be putting X many calories in his body, it was shitty to watch because he didn’t enjoy the eating part but he fucking loved football and only quit when his back started causing problems. His diet was indeed junk food, it’s calorically dense. The line “oop sorry man it’s 9pm I have to smash this dozen donuts” is still burned into my head.
Once he quit, he didn’t exercise, didn’t diet, just stopped stuffing himself, and lost like 80 of those pounds super quick. It’s what they do for the sport.
You’re NTA for being concerned, that’s fine, you’re just the AH for not believing the two dudes who told you it was fine without doing any background digging of your own before going to the coach. You should trust your son and your ex (who is also the father of this boy) to be considerate of the dangers, we are talking football here, and if you still don’t believe them then do your research on something you don’t understand. Your son will indeed put on some pounds, and if he goes to college it’ll be more pounds, and then he won’t be a giant cornfed farm boy from Arkansas so he won’t go pro. I’ve met pro O-linemen, genetics has to be in play at that level, you simply cannot be big enough without genetics giving you the right sauce.
Lmao this was posted last year – and you’re just ignoring everyone that points it out
He needs to eat clean. Brown rice, vegetables and lean protein…..as much of those things as possible. If he is eating pizza, burgers and fries he will gain bad weight