I (30f) came across a Reddit account notification in my husband’s (31m) email inbox with a Reddit username I didn’t recognize- It was a chat request asking if he was still up. that, coupled with some other weird behavior this week, set tons of alarms off in my head. So I did some digging. A few lines down was an email to verify an account with something called sniffies? Google search told me it was a bi/gay hookup site.
I searched for the reddit account and found he created the account 11 days ago, while I was out of town for a work trip.
There was one post, looking to hook up with another man. It was posted at 3 in morning- I was scheduled to come home that afternoon.
I am.. floored. We have been together for seven years, married for one. And.. really really happy? I thought so at least. He seemed to have such a strong moral code when it came to fidelity, I didn’t think I ever had to worry about something like this. I had always kind of suspected he was also into men, but it didn’t really matter to me so I never pressed for confirmation. Figured if he wanted to talk about it, he would. But I never suspected he would cheat on me.
I don’t even know if he did anything, I don’t know if it even makes a difference.
I just discovered this morning and now I’m an anxious wreck about how or if I approach him with this in a few hours when I get off work.
I love him so much- he really is my best friend and I thought I knew him? I can’t wrap my head around him crossing a boundary like this. But I don’t know how else to interpret this, other than straight up infidelity.
I guess im looking for.. idk. Kind words? Guidance for how to approach this awful conversation? Advice how to proceed if it is indeed a cheating scenario? Maybe reassurance that this doesn’t have to be the end of my marriage?
Tldr; my partner of seven years posted in a local hookup subreddit looking to hook up with another man. What do I do now?
Comments
This isn’t really crossing a boundary, he’s actually cheating or at least trying to
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I’d say it definitely requires a chat. He’s potentially putting you both at risk. What your next steps are really depend on you and your relationship but there is at least a chance the ‘chat’ could end the marriage.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. What you found IS cheating . . . even if he says “nothing happened.”
None of this cancels out the love or good years you’ve shared, but it does mean there’s a break in the foundation that only honesty and accountability can start to repair.
When you talk to him, try to stay anchored in what you know:
He created the account.
He sought out hookups.
He hid it from you.
You don’t need to prove anything beyond that. From here, you get to decide what safety and healing look like. Not him. Don’t let him turn anything around. You’ve got this.
I speak from experience, not married but we were dating and I caught my boyfriend messaging another man. I gave it a month and I couldn’t fix the bond we once had because I felt we didn’t have that trust.
It’s really up to you on how you feel about the situation. I think you need to ask yourself a few questions before making a decision.
With how long you’ve been together, do you want to sit down and talk about the situation?
Do you think you could move past what was said/done if they did admit this?
Do you feel comfortable asking about this sort of thing or do you think this may be something you need to let them come to you to talk about?
I really think communication is key here, and it either has to be you who instigates the convo or let him come to you if you trust he will.
Tell him he must have a cold since he’s got the sniffles so he should go for what makes him happy because you’re done
Mine did this. What you find is so much less than what actually happens. I found sniffies on his phone and we talking it out, went to therapy, I was under the impression that it was a few online only chats.
Turns out, he had actually hooked up a week before we got married, and kept hooking up with nearly 30 people over 5 years and he broke up with me on our 6 yr anniversary and came out as gay.
Love yourself, he has his own issues to sort out and you DO NOT have to comfort him or even forgive him. You’ll find so much more happiness away from him. I wish someone had dragged me away from my ex instead of me forgiving him.
It is straight up infidelity, regardless of whether he hooked up with someone this time or not because, let’s face it, it’s highly unlikely this is the first time. It’s just the first time you caught him. Give yourself time to set your thoughts down on paper—use ideas from here—before you calmly confront him, and be prepared for him to lie and gaslight you. This is a man who’s been lying yo you for a long time, and that’s not going to stop just because you’ve caught him out. Chances are, his initial response will be to double down in order to protect himself. Don’t let him. You deserve the truth, no matter how painful. And I hate to say it, but you need to schedule yourself a full STI check for as soon as possible. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Updateme!
Please see your PCP and get STI testing done right away
Have you not confronted him?
You need to post this post on the askgaymen subreddit. I think you will find the perspectives of other gay and bi men helpful in your search for the truth. I hope you find some peace in all this 🍃
Suppressing one’s sexuality usually doesn’t end well. It could be that just once in his life he wants to explore that side of himself – or it could be that he’s come to realize that he really is gay.
In any case, you need to talk to him – the kind of long, honest conversation that it sounds like you have long avoided.
There’s a huge problem of breach of trust here, because not only did he do that, but you had to find out accidentally. If you want to save this, you need to discuss it with him, of course. But also think about what would help you feel safe to trust him again? Will you be able to tell if he feels remorseful for hurting you or only remorseful be got caught? What would you need as real accountability from him?
I hope you were able to save proof to eliminate possible gaslighting. Also, please go to your pcp and get tested ASAP.
As far as how to bring it up, just sit him down and let him know you need to talk. Lay out all of the information you have (do not accuse as to not put him in the defensive early) and ask him to explain the situation. I know it will be incredibly difficult, but try really hard during the length of the conversation to maintain your composure, don’t get angry, don’t yell, don’t accuse. Once the conversation is over, by all means go somewhere private and break down. But for YOUR sake and sanity, you want to keep him as calm as possible so he doesn’t get defensive and shut down. The calmer he stays and the less emotion he sees from you, the longer you will be able to maintain conversation to gather information or identify inconsistencies.
I’d also record the conversation if at all possible so you can reference it later if need be.
What boundary did he cross?
A boundary is for us and not for others-
If he crossed a boundary what’s the consequence?
You’re right—trust is everything in a relationship. It’s tough, but facing the truth is the first step to figuring things out.
Damn-nothing says “good morning” like finding out your husband’s secret Reddit life involves a 3 a.m. hookup post.
You’re not crazy for feeling blindsided; betrayal hits harder when it wears a familiar face. Before you torch everything, pause. What if this isn’t just about sex, but identity confusion he’s never faced?
Confront him calm, not crushed. Demand truth, not theater. Whatever comes next-closure or chaos-you’ll leave this knowing you didn’t lie to yourself.
Your husband is a man who is hiding the deepest parts of himself from you. In that sense it doesn’t matter whether he has done anything physical or not—although he probably has, just looking at likelihood. He isn’t emotionally mature enough for a committed relationship, and the person you thought you were with is only at best a small part of him, and at worst a lie. I won’t say leave him no matter what, but think about what it takes to live a lie with the person who is closest to you. At best, he has a very different moral code than you do. If he has one at all.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It sounds like you’re crushed and I don’t blame you at all. You didn’t deserve this and whatever excuse he gives you isn’t worth hearing imo. He’s too ashamed to be anything but straight but he’s not too ashamed to cheat? If your marriage was monogamous then there’s no excuse for his behavior. None. Even if there wasn’t any actual sex this time there was intent to have sex and that’s unforgivable.
All that trust you’ve built together is gone and none of that is your fault. He went out of his way to cross a line- from what I’ve read you’d be accepting if he came out and you yourself are bi so of all the things he could have done to figure things out this was by far the worst choice he could have made. Even if he had to get past his own internalized biphobia and shame, he already had a support system in place. He made the choice to break your trust and go behind your back – that is the most shameful part of this. Be sure to focus on that if he attempts to gain your sympathy.
This whole thing feels very intentional. I worry this is not the only thing he’s done, just the most recent. Having sex with a stranger while one’s spouse is gone feels like something one needs to work up to or is at least premeditated. I agree with everyone who suggested you get tested.